05-08-05 @ 9:30 am EDT

I do not want to do anything anymore. I don't want to hope or feel or give a shit about anybody or anything. If I had anything else to do to waste my life, if I knew anything else, I would not bother writing anything anymore. My writing means nothing now because it never has.

I've tried reaching him every way I know how but it looks like I'm not meant to understand. I don't even know what I did wrong or what changed. He won't even tell me. I've just been begging to at least know that and he won't say a word to me now. I don't know what changed and it's tearing me apart not knowing. But no matter how many times I ask he's not answering and I'll never know.

If someone can be my friend for almost five years, and can tell me that they care about me, and call me their friend, and encourage me all that time, and then...for it to just suddenly all be gone...and for me to never even know why...then nobody can be my friend.

Even while I type this up part of me says to save it until I'm REALLY sure but...how long do I wait until I'm sure? How many times to I bother him with my e-mails until I take the hint? I don't want to be a stalker. He does not want to hear from me. He does not want to write to me. And I don't even know why. The last he said to me, in March I think, was I would hear from him soon. The last he reviewed my story, in late March, he was saying how much he still liked it. He was the one who stuck around the longest for that story. He's been online six or seven times since then...I wrote him last week...he was on again just moments ago. He didn't reply to my last e-mail just asking to know what had happened. I e-mailed him today. Just after I did...he logged off.

There is no new mail in either of my inboxes.

I wish he would have at least told me he hated me.

I don't even deserve to be told what I did wrong. If almost five years can come to an end and I don't even deserve to know why...then I cannot believe anyone will ever be my friend. I actually trusted him. Even as I type this I hope so much I will just hear from him and it'll be a misunderstanding. But I don't know how much clearer he can make it. I just wish he would have given me a reason, or at least a goodbye. This breaks my heart the most that he was the one out of all of them that I had actually grown to trust and believe would always be there.

Stupid me. I will not believe anymore. If you ever read a word I type, Name Omitted, then I'm sorry I ever bothered you. That must be what I did, because I can't think of what else fits. I bother everybody eventually. I wish you would have at least told me so. I wish you could have told me long ago.

I will be nice to people who are nice to me, but if five years can just end and I won't ever know why, then nobody can ever mean it. Nobody can care for me and nobody will ever be there for me. I can't go through that again. Not anymore.

I give up on friends.