06-05-05 @ 2:58 am EDT

Went to the UAW Family Center again with Dad yesterday. You'll remember that two years ago when I went, I took a lot of photos on the old Polaroid, let them sit on the camera for a week, then accidentally pushed the wrong button when the camera malfunctioned, and erased them all in one click. We didn't get to return last year so we went this year. Yesterday, Saturday, was hot and muggy.

We spent about three hours out there. I took the old Polaroid to take a few infrared shots, and the newer Canon to take the good shots, because it was not likely to malfunction. Took over two hundred photos. Then as my last part of the trip I walked out onto a little dock on the lake, took a few shots, walked back to shore, and decided to stick my feet in the lake again just to get them wet.

I stepped onto the boat landing much faster than I should have been walking, my foot went out from under me, and I plunged and slid into the water up to my chest. The Polaroid was in my pocket. It was totally submerged. The Canon was in my hand. I tried to hold it aloft even as I was falling, but it got splashed. I (Ma, rather) just got a new 512mb card for it Friday. Almost $60. For my early birthday present.

The Polaroid is ruined. The Canon is ruined. The cards are okay, my photos survived intact, but I destroyed both of the cameras, old and new.

I gave Ma the $90-something I've been saving to get a new one.

When I awoke, Dad said she had gotten the Canon to work. It turns out she had in fact replaced it with a newer model which just looks a lot like the old one. It was the last camera there that would take the kind of memory card I just bought, and it was the display model. The very last one. It cost $190.

I was saving that money for when we go to Petoskey sometime this summer, so I could maybe find some books and/or CDs. Part would have likely also gone to an occasional eBay purchase and/or tickets to Mackinac Island, or possibly toward saving for my next upgrade here (though I usually put that off till the last moment). With the way things are in this house, some of it might have even ended up going to help pay a bill.

I had to give it all away to buy a camera to replace the one I ruined out of my own expected stupidity. And what I paid didn't even pay for half of that camera.

Ma said it's "water under the bridge" (I don't think she intended the pun), but I know I disappointed her by breaking her camera, I disappointed myself by breaking the camera just as I was getting used to using it, and by breaking the old Polaroid right after I discovered I could take infrared shots with it (so much for IR shots of the island), I'm angry that I did something so utterly STUPID as walked out onto the boat landing with cameras on hand, I'm disappointed that I had to waste the money I was trying to save to replace the camera I broke out of my stupidity, and I'm ashamed that I made HER pay for most of it, just because I was so STUPID like I always am.

The one time I get out of the house, had fun, actually felt okay for a day, and of course, I had to take that one last step and ruin it again. Just like two years ago. I get the feeling it's like I'm just not meant to do anything right. That I'm just always meant to screw up, no matter what I do. I was thoroughly safe and careful with those cameras, all day, too...until I had to go out onto that boat landing.

At least I saved the pictures and the card, yes, but I'm not feeling very relieved about that right now. I realize it's petty, but I always have trouble saving money, and to me, that $90 was a lot. And that camera was practically new. I ruined the whole thing.

Why is it that I just CANNOT have SOMETHING go right, without me having to then go and ruin it all over again? It's like for every little good thing that happens, there is a big huge catch. You would think I could just step out of the house for a few hours, and take some photos, without making a huge money-wasting mess out of it...but I can't even do that. I get out of the house for a change, and I make things worse than they would have been had I just stayed inside the rest of the week! What CAN I do right anymore?