06-19-05 @ 9:00 am EDT

Hi again. Again feeling lousy about everything. -_- I do not understand the people (supposedly) reading RTMI; where do they keep going? How come they appear and then quickly disappear so often? I had a lady effuse over all of two chapters before apparently vanishing. She said she had read all of it and MI and would keep reading so where did she go so soon? And the one other regular reader on the site, I do not know the situation; just coming and going. I hate sounding so paranoid, but every time someone goes, I never have much reason to believe they will return. None of the other ones did, at least.

I posted Part 125 maybe a week or more ago and still no ratings or comments. I actually have up to Part 130 fully written, and 131 in progress. I've decided not to bother posting them unless and until I feel somebody is still actually reading. I hate being so pissy yet again but I never claimed I was perfect, in fact, I'm anything but. My REASON for posting work publicly is to entertain (and hear) from others, so if that's not happening it has no reason being online. No matter how many times I explain it it doesn't seem to make sense. I realize I come across as extremely selfish and rude doing this, but imagine you went outside and painted lovely murals upon the walls along a sidewalk and hoped that somebody would notice or be cheered by them, but nobody even noticed them. Part of the very purpose of a public mural is to gain attention. Is that such a bad thing to ask for? If nobody even glanced at your murals I bet you'd be pissed. Well, though it gets a few hits, I can't be sure those aren't mistaken clicks so I have no reason to believe anybody looks at my stuff unless they say so. Thus negating its purpose. I just wish I understood why I seem to get so many people saying they love the thing but they do not want to speak up more than once, if that. It just seems like they don't care about it much if they don't want to speak up.

I feel utterly stupid posting this stuff. I HATE that this dumb thing is going to end and it won't matter one bit. I'm not seeking sympathy, just wondering what is the deal with the people who claim to have read it. Why do they never stick around? I feel almost like my writing drives people AWAY, rather than brings them IN. This always seems to happen right when I feel like writing more, too! I had such grand ideas for EFMI but all I can think is how utterly stupid the whole thing is. If this is the state of RTMI then I do not want to humiliate myself even trying to post the sequel. Imagine how long Part 1 will sit unnoticed by EVERYBODY who said they enjoyed the story! I can't stand that feeling. I had actually started writing a teaser preview for it but stopped. Didn't see the point in a teaser if people won't show up to read the actual story!

(Kind of unrelated, I really wonder why when I do get comments on my SHORT STORIES they always seem to say something along the lines of "I can't wait to see how this continues!" Um, it's NOT continuing, it's a short story--unless I say so in the text, that's all there is. And these people would certainly not come back to read the continuation even if there was one! :/ )

I hate whining about this repeatedly in here as if it will make any difference. I don't seek it to, I just wish I understood why my readers never seem to stay for long. Or at least, that I could post the crap and not give a damn what anyone thinks because none of them will give a damn for long.

I poured my guts out in a social anxiety forum about it, but will probably regret it...every time I do this I get too embarrassed to go back and read or reply, and my posts are always so damn long. -_- And they always get the fewest replies, and those are always along the lines of "Wow, this was long; I couldn't read it all, sorry," or else they are yet more excuses about why people will behave like jerks..."People forget other people sometimes, it happens...people get caught up in things...don't let it get to you..." I'm TIRED of excuses. Excuses apply sometimes. I have lost friends and readers so many times that it is not coincidence, and I have even PROVEN in some cases that it is NOT just "people getting caught up in things" or "people forgetting other people," etc. Believe me, I LOOK for every excuse possible before deciding that these people just don't give a damn about me like they'd said they did. And the excuses do not apply. So offering excuses as to other people's asinine behavior hardly helps me feel better or take it less personally, because by now, it IS personal.

I know I shouldn't have posted that...I'll hate going back and dragging myself over what dinky replies, if any, it gets...I always then banish myself from whatever forum I've ranted in, and end up with one less place to go to. You'd think a bunch of socially anxious people would understand how I feel, but I irritate even them. :( When I complained about all this crap and my writing in an anonymous forum I actually had more than one of the people say, "You rely too much on what others think of you--you'll never be happy if you do this. Forget what others think and just believe in yourself." Um, THAT'S THE PROBLEM! After nearly thirty years, do you think it'd be so easy to just "believe in myself" and screw what anyone else thinks? I would be SO HAPPY if I could think like that...but it's not happening. Not without cognitive behavioral therapy or something, WHICH is not going to happen either. I really can't believe that I stepped into a forum on anxiety and was told that the solution to all my problems was to BELIEVE IN MYSELF. Okay, so...would they tell a clinically depressed person to JUST BE HAPPY? I do not understand the double standard. This was an anxiety/depression forum, BTW. Nobody there told me to just get over it or just be happy regarding my depression. But regarding my anxiety and feeling worthless, they were sure quick to tell me to just stop worrying and believe in myself and not care what anyone thinks of me. Cripes. Rather like telling me to win the Indy 500, when I don't even know how to drive a car. When I don't even know if "Indy 500" is the correct name, to boot! ???

Why the hell do I have to keep going to the bathroom today!! >_<

Besides, all of my life I have wanted to do something to BE OF USE to society. I rather feel that most people have this feeling, and when they are able to fulfill it, it is not seen as a bad thing. (Hence the bad view people have of slackers.) Yet when I feel upset because my one contribution to society, my writing, goes unnoticed, I am told to just stop trying and believe in MYSELF and not care what others think because I'll never be happy that way. Why is it wrong for me to be upset when my contribution to society has failed? When other people are useless, they feel bad, and that's seen as normal, because it's human to want to achieve something. How come just because my attempt at contribution relies on the attention and feedback of others, it is considered a bad thing and I should move past it? When you get right down to it, ALL of our contributions to society are considered important only when they are considered necessary by OTHERS for some reason--it is the opinions of OTHER people which validate our feelings and give us a sense of self-worth. Whether you're writing a novel, or mowing somebody's lawn, or feeding the needy, or taking part in a reality show. It's because somebody ELSE wants your service in some way that it becomes important, and makes you feel worthy as a person. And for the most part, that is considered a good, healthy thing. Face it, how many of us would actually DO something of a contributory nature if there was utterly NO worth to it at all? You might say you'd do it, but if you were put in that situation, I doubt you'd waste your time. If you had the chance to give food to a well-off, full person as opposed to a starving needy person, would you even bother with the first? Well what if there were no starving needy people nearby? What if your only talent was feeding people, and nobody needed it?

So why is it bad for me to rely on the validation of others for my sense of self-worth? Everybody else does it. Unless they're hermits! And even hermits rely on others' LACK OF NOTICE for their sense of validation. We're all human beings and just about every one of us (at least in this society) wants to be told now and then that what we do matters somehow. I admit that I need to be told this WAY MORE OFTEN than most people...but what I want is just the same as what most others want, just to a larger degree. Yet to hear these other people say it, you'd think that wanting validation WHATSOEVER is the wrong thing, and that I should just learn to rely on myself from now on.

Well, I'm not at the point where saying, "Screw the world!--I'm going to stop trying and be utterly useless from now on!" would actually make me feel very good about myself, so...until that time comes...yes, I will get upset whenever validation and attention is not forthcoming. So sue me for being human. Even baby monkeys will cling to a monkey doll mother just to feel as if they belong.

Cripes, cripes, cripes, what a lot of crappy junky blech. >_< Something lighter. Ugh. Well, since CSI was a rerun which was on recently (these programmers need to take the hint that yes, we DO tend to remember when things are aired, and how often), we watched reality TV for a change...*grimace* We watched Hit Me Baby One More Time and it was actually interesting to see all those old groups. Howard Jones appeared! :D He was the reason why I told Dad to stop flipping the channel! He sang "No One Is To Blame," and then covered Dido's "White Flag"--he sounded fantastic! I knew he wouldn't, but I really wished that Howard would have won. Go Howard! His hair is almost gone ^_^ but his voice has held up pretty well! He's also a Buddhist. o_O Hm. Just hope he's not one of those phony wannabe ones. I thought for sure that Sophie B. Hawkins would win, just because she vamped everything up. But it went to Irene Cara, unbelievably enough. As far as holding up over time went, Cameo and Howard Jones did best; Irene and Wang Chung, not so good. Sophie was just...ugh. Somebody shoot her with a tranquilizer dart, already. She looked about ready to go jumping into the audience. O_o I can't really believe Irene Cara won since her voice hasn't held up much...then again, I still can't believe Vanilla Ice won the last time! VANILLA ICE, PEOPLE! I've never hated Vanilla Ice but he was NOT the best performance of the night--just the most flamboyant. He didn't even rap, he yelled! I guess he got it for reminiscence's sake. Maybe the same for Irene. "Oh What A Feeling" WAS a good song, way back when. Oh well, Howard Jones still won in my book. I wish he'd put out another album as good as his Cross That Line one. I love that album. They didn't even mention the hit song from it on the show! Bastards.

Dream duet: Howard Jones and Phil Collins! :D I know, I'm lame. I'm currently peeved that there is no soundtrack CD available for Tarzan II just yet, and I don't even own the movie. -_- Where is it??

In the spirit of this entry, I've decided to post some Howard Jones lyrics! These are not from one of his (like, three o_o; ) well-known songs...I don't think this song ever made it to radio, but another song from the Cross That Line album, "Everlasting Love," did, and it was the reason why I first got the album on cassette. It's a good album. This isn't one of the best songs on the CD but I like the chorus, and the lyrics are moving, so here you go.

Guardians Of The Breath
Howard Jones

They were guardians of the breath
Trusted with those precious chances
Keeping Gaia from the fear of death
Balances must be defended

To take only what they must
(Borrowed from the future)
Live-in lovers of a global home
(Our children will remember)

Guardians slept while comfort came
The vapors poison, the acid rain fell!
The spirit cut from earthly bounds
The creature stirred the pain

How much abuse can she take?
(Awake from your dreamtime)
The lines are drawn, our justice awaits
(Will the guardians surrender?)

A forest bare, a desert born
The life pushed out, they sold her cheaply
All for a shilling for next week's treat
A marvel that had taken ten thousand years!

To take only what they must
(Borrowed from the future)
Live-in lovers of a global home
(Our children will remember)

They are guardians of the breath
Trusted with those precious chances
They are guardians of the breath
Balances must be defended

They are guardians of the breath
Trusted with those precious chances
They are guardians of the breath
Balances must be defended

This song is like over seven minutes long. o_o The verse about the forest brings tears to my eyes. I especially like the reference to the guardians and the dreamtime...kind of reminds me of my own Guardian, Tal Natha, the Dreamspinner...not that he matters.

Dirty Dancing was on USA the other night...it managed to get Ma off of the computer, and into the living room to watch TV...something countless teams of scientists and philosophers have been unable to do. o_o Behold the power of Patrick Swayze. Me, I didn't know he was such a jerk in that movie. After all these years and all the times Ma has watched it, I STILL have never watched the entire thing. Weird, since I like its soundtrack. Even though it doesn't feature Phil Collins or Howard Jones, sadly enough.

I wish I could sit on Mackinac Island at night and listen to the wind in the trees. :(

I think I'm going to try to eat a parfait now.

Holy SCHMUCK this parfait is good!!