07-01-05 @ 9:24 am EDT

FBS paper journal entry, 7/1/05 (edited).

What Changed...?

Another headache. -_-

Well...I finished off Chakenapok yesterday. -_- Still more story to go...but I'm sad. I like Chakenapok. He's cool as far as bad guys go. I loved reading (out loud) his snarky and bitchy arguments with Charmian. It's been a hassle, but so much fun to read the parts of the story where characters (usually Charmian, Chak, and Manabozho) throw royal fits. Now Chak is gone (at least until EFMI), and...I feel sad. -_-

Maybe because I understand him. Jealousy, fear of being left behind, loneliness, being overlooked and unwanted...I know all these feelings. Strange, but not so strange, how fear and loneliness drive so many of my bad guys. Even Ocryana was lonely and afraid. And it's just as the story says, I don't think Chak would have ever been the way he was if he was not rejected in the first place. I know how much of my own love and happiness and trust in the world is now gone, likely for good, because the world did not want me back. So I guess it hurts to lose someone who knows that feeling...even if he was just imaginary.

I hope I can give him a decent role in EFMI...so many roles I never got to utilize in RTMI...too bad fiction can't get away with being as messy as real life...I'm not even definite on everything I want to do for EFMI. I should really take time to think it over...but I feel so lost not working on a story. I always "lose interest" in pondering a current story in my offtime, and focus instead on the sequel. When writing MI, my thoughts were focused on RTMI. Now during RTMI, my thoughts have been focused on EFMI. When I start writing EFMI--what will I focus on?? I have just ONE idea for a fourth story--the offspring of Justin and the manitou from "Strayed," and MAYBE the children of Ocryx and Ocryana. But for actual plot?--nada. So I have absolutely nothing to focus on. :/ Will more ideas come to me throughout EFMI? I don't even think about MI anymore, it's so old...

Possible fourth story: Beneath Manitou Island--BMI. Heh! Oops.

I'm just so used to MI now that going without it saddens me, and I'd feel lost. -_-

*sigh*

No penpal reply. -_- Should I just try again? [Note: I e-mailed one of the people from the penpal listings a while back. Waited three days with no reply and tried again at a different e-mail she'd provided. Got her reply the very next day and it was positive; turned out the first e-mail was giving her difficulty. Wrote her a long e-mail in response and sent it. That was about five or so days ago, still no response. I'm wondering if she even got the e-mail or is having trouble with that account too even though it's a different provider. I doubt she would just decide not to reply--but on the other hand maybe she is just really busy. I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her after all. But I don't know how long I should wait before sending her a short note asking if she got my mail. I don't want to appear as a clingy insecure stalker type, even though I guess I am. So I have no clue how long to wait or what to do. Why is this always my luck? -_- ]

Crap, so tired, can't keep awake...

UGH! STAY AWAKE! >_<

*sigh* "This One's For The Girls"...this song just reminds me of how I've gone nowhere in life. -_- The girl of 25, in her apartment, living on dreams and Spaghetti-O's...I'll never know a life like this...I don't love without holding back, or dream with everything I have...and I stopped wishing on shooting stars long ago. And I hope I don't live to be 42.

Why can't I be like Charmian? I can write her...but I just can't be her. I feel that if I just had self-confidence, I would be so much like her...when with Mya, I was a lot like her, for better and worse...loud, talkative, bossy, stubborn, loyal...and I believed in people. At least a little bit, I believed in me. Why did this all have to change...? I know I used to believe in myself. When did I stop and why? When did I convince myself that no one would or could possibly ever care about me, that no one would ever be worth trusting again, that people no longer deserved a chance, that I did not deserve a chance, that I would never be anything more than a failure? You don't come to believe these things overnight. So when did it happen, and why? And why can't I seem to change it back to the way it was? Why did life just go so wrong...?

I want to be the way I once was. I want to at least hope my life has meaning, even if it doesn't. I want to at least believe in the best in people, even if I never find it. I want to have faith in myself again. I want to have a clean slate, like my characters do. I want all the bitterness and anger and distrust just sucked out of me, or cleaned out. I want the black bands around my spirit stone to be melted away. I want to keep fighting because I believe in something, not because I don't know anything better to do. I want to put my trust in people, and to be there for those who return my trust, and just shrug off those who don't. I want to see some small glimmer of purpose in life, even when everything around me is trying its hardest to convince me that I should just give up.

I want to be proven wrong in never giving my trust, in never hoping for the best, in never believing in me.

Even if I can't throw fireballs or climb rocks or befriend demons, I just wish I could believe in myself, so that things like fireballs and rocks and demons wouldn't matter. Even if I can't have a fantasy life, I wish I could just have a life worth living. I have not felt that way in years. I do not believe I ever will again.