07-04-05 @ 8:40 am EDT

7/3/05

I caved in and sent another e-mail to the penpal person last night. Perhaps the first had gotten lost. Lately Yahoo! has been marking replies to my replies as Spam. This person uses Hotmail, but who knows, it could happen. I wanted to hope.

Checked my mail today and there was no response. Maybe she is busy with the holiday weekend. I said I'd wait until it's over before I start worrying.

Until I went to the penpal site to browse the ads. And there right near the top...ANOTHER one posted by what looks to be her, only with a new e-mail address. (She had a few different e-mail ads there.) She's still looking for friends. The ad was dated July 3rd. Today.

The "logical" part of my brain is saying, it's too early to post this entry. You just mailed her yesterday. Even if she doesn't reply to two mails there that doesn't prove that account's not having trouble, in fact, it seems to verify it. And I did swallow my embarrassment and e-mailed her at this new address, too--"Maybe you didn't get my e-mail?" That was probably around 2 AM and it's now after 9 AM.

Still no mail.

I know it's too early yet to say. She could be offline for the night. And also away for the holiday. But everything just seems to tell me the same thing. In my first e-mail to her, I told her that since I know how much it hurts, I would do my very best to LET HER KNOW if I felt we were not compatible as friends. I wouldn't just leave her hanging. And in her first, and probably last, mail to me, she said the same thing.

I will not be surprised if it turns out she didn't mean it either. Because nobody else who ever said it ever meant it. It was so easy for them all to say it, but never to mean it. It was so hard to just tell me that I would not hear from them again. Why am I the bad person? I always try to be truthful. But people always see me as the abnormal one, the bad one, because I'm too afraid to befriend people, and I push people away even when they reach out, and I get angry and defensive when they try to earn my trust. What sort of good person turns you away before you can even earn their trust, right? Look what happens whenever I fall for it though.

What was all of that junk I wrote the other day about wanting to be able to hope and believe again? I don't want to anymore. I think all the things I learned about trust and happiness in my first eleven years were a lie. I know now why I write friendship and hope so well. Because it's all fiction.

I'm growing to believe that my anxiety is not keeping me from making friends. It's protecting me from being hurt. I just don't know how to listen to it yet because I'm so lonely. But I do remember that it was much easier just being lonely, before I had the means to reach out to others, and now am not just lonely but hurting, too.

At least when there was no chance of me ever being able to make a friend, I still believed in myself.

Now I don't think I believe in anything. Well, the stupid part of my brain still does, but we've seen how wrong it always is, so I'm sure it'll just be proven wrong again, in time.

Even if she does reply to me, I don't think I'll believe a word she says. All I believe in anymore is people's actions. Because people can say a million things so easily, and never mean one of them, but following through is something else entirely. I can only believe somebody means something when they actually do it. I do not have faith in promises. It's much better for someone to just DO something, rather than promise to do it, because I won't believe it until it's done. Even I can sit here and say, I'll go and run around the block tomorrow, I swear it, and I will never even do it. Look how easy it was for me to say that in writing. It hurts to learn how little words actually mean, especially since I use them all the time. Maybe I'm not so truthful after all. Maybe I'm the world's best liar.

I wish I could shut off this stupid part of my brain that insists on hoping and believing in people. Every time my anxiety tried to hold me back, it was right. Why try to overcome anxiety and face your fears? All it does is humiliate you. This is not a chemical imbalance, it's a protective measure, learned through repeated experience. It serves the evolutionary function of protecting me from hurt. And if I finally learn how to listen to it and obey it, then I won't get hurt anymore. I'll still be lonely...but at least I won't be an idiot yet again.


The stupid part of my brain is winning and I will hold off posting this until tomorrow. Just because I often regret my anger, even though it usually turns out to be warranted in the end. At least no one will be able to say that I'm wrong.


7/4/05

No response.

Fine. Screw her, too.