07-20-05 @ 1:42 am EDT

Written yesterday, but I chickened out and didn't want to post it. But am feeling the same way again tonight, and probably will tomorrow night, and the night after, so here it is.

I got to crying again tonight and once it was over started thinking about how stuck I am, how I never get anywhere. How I can't rely on myself, so I try to rely on others; how they always let me down eventually; and how that proves that I am not worth relying on, and how I can't then rely on myself; and how I then try to rely on others; etc. etc. etc. The main problem is I do not feel I can do anything without SOMEONE ELSE'S help--I can't even TRY anything without someone else helping me--and since there is no one who is able or willing to provide such help as I need, then I never get anywhere. I just stay stuck here forever and I probably always will.

People are always insisting that WE are the only ones who can make ourselves better, and to an extent, it's true. But most people get better because they at least have a SUPPORT SYSTEM in place--people around them who encourage them, someone to talk to, a professional to seek assistance from. This ritual abuse book I'm reading is good but it frustrates me because the author seems to take it for granted that everybody has friends. "Don't try to do it alone," she says. "Call a friend when you need them...call for help...etc. etc." For some people, THIS IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE. And this is the main problem with me.

I realized why I tend to stay away from social anxiety groups and forums, the very places where you think I'd like to hang out, with like-minded individuals, people who have been there before. It always ends up that I post once about my current problem--which is almost always the same problem, just with different players--and the responses are such that I never wish to go back again. This frustrated me but now I know why this is. EVERYBODY in those forums--all of these people who are supposed to have BEEN there before, and KNOW how I'm feeling--are assuming the same thing the book is. That I have some sort of pre-existing support system in place that will help me.

Whenever I post about my difficulties, the responses are invariably along the lines of, "You'll never feel good relying on other people's affirmations. Just believe in you." "Don't worry so much about what other people think. The only person whose opinion matters is you." "Have faith in yourself! And don't let them get you down." I always end up leaving in disgust and never posting again unless I should get really desperate and stupid, and then the responses just drive me off again. Why is this?

Because all of these people are STATING WHAT IS ALREADY MY PROBLEM--as the SOLUTION to my problem!

If someone is depressed, you never, EVER hear other people who have suffered depression telling them, "All you have to do is think cheery thoughts!" Do you? If you did hear it, wouldn't you agree how stupid that is to say to them?

Well...why is it that for an ANXIOUS person...a person whose very PROBLEM is trusting in herself and not relying upon the opinions of others...the advice is always..."JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF"?

That's exactly the same as telling an anxious person to "stop being so anxious"! How come these people don't realize that? "Don't worry what other people think. You'll never be happy relying on the affirmations of others. Just believe in yourself."

Well, thank you a lot. As if I did not KNOW this is the root of the problem. As if I have not TRIED doing this already. Would these people be so kind now as to let me know HOW to "just believe" in myself?? Because I keep trying it, and I keep getting NOWHERE.

Take a look at it because here is the problem: I have to believe in MYSELF before I can ever hope to start feeling better, and stop relying on others. The thing is...*I* am the very reason why I can't believe in myself. I'm holding me back. I have no reason TO believe in myself. I have always failed at everything, and have never succeeded at anything, never done anything good or worthwhile, and all my judgements in everything have always been wrong; every time I thought that I must have done the right thing, things can't possibly go wrong yet again, bam, oops, I was wrong yet again. Overwhelming evidence proves I am not reliable or trustworthy or worth believing in--both the evidence that society (others) give me, and the evidence I give myself. People always give up on me--proving that I am not worth believing in. Thus *I* don't believe I'm worth believing in. So, okay now...how do I get around that?? It's a Catch-22. I'm the only one who can put an end to this...but I'm also the very one who's causing it.

Telling me to "just believe" in myself is like telling somebody in a prison cell to just ask the jailer to hand them the key and let them out. The person with the key is the only one who can do that, but they're also the very person keeping them locked up!

Telling me to simply trust myself is like telling an abused kid to simply trust the very person who beats her up every day. How do you work around that one?

And so I ask all these "anxious" people who claim to have been there and to have known how it feels to just give me this answer: HOW do I just believe in myself? Since they make it sound like it should be so easy. I have no doubt that it's what worked for them. I just don't know HOW they did it, or how *I* can do it, when I am the very person beating myself up, and telling myself that I am worthless and should not be believed in or relied upon or trusted. How do you convince yourself that you are worth anything? Especially when you tell yourself you are worthless every day, and you've been feeling this way for so long, that you don't even remember when it started or why anything changed at all.

I would post this in those forums if I believed anybody there would actually have anything worthwhile to say. But I doubt it. Why should I get any help now? Nothing has ever helped in the past. "You are the only one who can help yourself." Thank you, here I go to beat myself up again now. A psychotic person is restrained when they're in the midst of their disorder, so how is it that when I am in the same spot I am always just left to depend on my own decisions? I can end up hurting myself just as badly as any psychotic person, but for some reason I am expected to deal with it on my own. As if my own judgement is anywhere near good enough to do the job. Why is this the assumption? I do not understand and I doubt I ever will. It's like "being anxious" is just not "serious" enough to count as far as getting outside help goes. Professionals and books tell us that we are not thinking rationally, yet they then tell us to rely upon ourselves, and as a result I, at least, feel minimized, and shamed (it must be my fault?), and have no idea what to do.

I wonder if there are any other people like me who just keep it all to themselves because every time they speak up they are just told to forget what everyone else thinks and believe in themselves, when they have no idea how to do that on their own, and their own voices are screaming at them every day about how useless they are and always will be. I am to rely on the voice which reminds me daily how useless I am? I know that with every forum I post to, only to be told this, I am falling more and more quiet.

My left ear just started ringing; someone is saying something bad about me.

And I guess that's my entry for today.

Update re: penpals:

First person I contacted, who responded encouragingly, said she would not leave me hanging, then did just that: E-mailed her once more from a different account in case the other one was having trouble. No response. Her last ad update, still asking for friends, was from two days before I tried. It listed the e-mail address I had been trying all along.

Second person I contacted: Never any response whatsoever.

Third person I contacted, who had contacted ME first: No response.

Fourth person I contacted, who I referred to in an earlier entry as being very friendly and chatty: Sent the first encouraging response and I responded. Didn't hear back. Finally got an update on Sunday. Said she's been busy but would likely mail me back on Monday morning. It is now Wednesday morning...and I do not believe I will be hearing back from her either.