07-26-05 @ 9:47 am EDT

I went and started trying to finally reply to the notes people left in response to my last entry...I got through all of one...I tried doing another and I just stuck. All I can do is sit here and cry and feel utterly stupid because I can't even bring myself to reply to the people who bothered replying to me in the first place. I'm a crappy person. I don't know why people reply at all.

I guess all I can do is try to explain things a little and hope it helps though I don't see why it should.

In case I gave anybody the wrong impression, and I think I did with at least two people: The last entry was NOT aimed at people who do not and are not interested in reading any of my fiction...it was not aimed at people who don't comment on my journal...and it wasn't aimed at the people who DO read my fiction and DO comment on it. I hate that I sounded like I was begging for people who have never been interested in the first place to read anything of mine, including my journal, when this wasn't so. I've long grown used to not many people reading my journal and that's fine by now; I rather wish I felt the same way about my other writing. I don't mind if I'm on a favorites list and somebody doesn't comment; it's the same with me. I often friend people just because they friend me. Most of the people on my friends list, I really don't look in on them because we aren't interested in each other; I'm not even sure why they friended me. It just seemed like the polite thing to do. I admit that it's hard for me to be interested in people's personal lives, unless they're interested in mine or else we have a lot in common. I don't take offense if people choose not to read this thing. That's fine.

Likewise--if you are someone who has never read any of my fiction, and are not interested in doing so, that's fine too. In fact that's the MAJORITY view. I have to accept that my writing will not be liked or found interesting by most people. I get frustrated a lot when I see SIMILAR writing get a lot of attention while mine doesn't, but it doesn't mean I want people who would never on any normal day read something like mine to start reading it out of sympathy. I HATE that I might be seen as trying to stir up sympathy. I can't stand sympathy readers...I just feel so full of guilt. I would rather have no readers than people who force themselves to read just to make me feel better. That's one reason why I can't seem to respond. How do you respond when you guilted somebody into replying? "Sorry, I didn't mean it"? I feel so stupid doing that. I feel like I cried wolf and now I have to tell everybody I didn't mean it (when I DID mean it, just not in the way that they thought). This is what normally keeps me away from posting in my journal. I made an idiot out of myself again.

So if you are someone who doesn't really read or comment on Skew much, that's fine, don't change a thing if you do not want to--and if you are someone who has never read my stuff or cared for it, or if you have never really cared to write to me personally, that's also fine--I've accepted that--I really do not want people doing anything for me out of sympathy.

And at the moment there are about two people who both comment on my writing AND write to me personally so it wasn't aimed at them either.

Who I was talking about was the people who say they read my fiction regularly, and that they love it, and they comment once or twice, but then I don't hear from them again. I just get frustrated that it seems like we would have a lot in common and could be friends but they do not want to communicate. I could even be wrong and maybe we DON'T have a lot in common. It's just that since writing fantasy is my primary focus, it's the thing I spend the most time and energy and thoughts on, so I thought that would be a good start to trying to be friends. I've been led to believe in the past that at least a few of these people don't write to me because they either think I don't want them to or they think I'll get annoyed, when that's not true at all; I would LOVE to open up a dialogue with them. But maybe I'm wrong on that too. And also a lot of the people who seem to read regularly don't mention it more than once or twice so I really can't tell if they're still reading after a while.

I hate sounding like such an ungrateful bitch. -_- I don't mean to. It's just that when a month goes by in silence, I get anxious that everybody gave up yet again because it's happened so many times before. This month alone I've had like two or three people who seemed really interested in my writing and they just disappeared. It happens so often that I always doubt how good I really am. I hate even typing that sentence because I don't believe I'm good in the first place.

I forgot to say this entry is also aimed at the people who have offered friendship when we don't have much in common; there's at least one at the moment. I meant to reply and never did. I'm not rejecting them, I just don't know what to say. I don't know how. I'm so lousy at all of this. Life would be easier if I'd never gone online in the first place. Or just stuck to browsing things.

In addition I'm agonizing over what a crappy friend I am because I never pay people's attention back when they need it, I'm never there for anybody, I think only of myself and can't be of any help. I'm worried all the time that the few people I know now are going to get fed up and I will stop hearing from them someday. They already have better friends there for them, so why would they still want me? I hate being so distrustful. But I don't want to be hurt like that again. I'm really going to try to vow this time. Every other time it happened, I promised myself I would not dare try to believe in someone as a friend again. After P., I did not ever want to do that. But people keep coming along, and I keep trying to befriend them...it always ends up bad...I just can't believe anymore that anybody would want to communicate with me for long. Take a look, three penpals in a row who vowed to be there and every last one left me hanging after one mail. It's like I keep getting signs to give up. If this falls through then I do not ever want to try again. It hurts too much.

I'm just always so desperate not to be entirely alone. I feel so stupid saying this here where I'm likely pissing everybody off.

I've just felt so horrible the past couple of weeks. I thought it was hormones since it started at that time, but it hasn't gone away yet and it always did before. -_- Every time I log off I can't stop crying. Even when people say they care all I can think about is the bad things--everybody who left me hanging before--and how crappy I am to make people reply to me in the first place, and then for me to not even reply to them. I feel like the only way people can like me is if they're pitying me. And I don't want to make people feel like that.

I don't know why I bothered trying anything in the first place. Why penpals? Why posting my writing? Why asking for friends? Why searching LJ? It always comes around this way so why do I keep it up? Since this is how I always am I can't blame anyone for forgetting about me. I would want to too.

So I have absolutely no idea what to say to anybody anymore. I wanted people to reply, but now I feel guilty and ashamed and stupid, and I just wish I were not here anymore. I can't seem to do anything good, not even show gratitude.

I'm terrified that the moment I say thank you, or rely on somebody's being there, will be the moment they aren't there anymore.

And like I said I can't exactly blame anyone for that now.

I'm going to feel even worse after posting this. I hate that I can't think of how to reply to anybody. An entry isn't a way to reply. I'm such a stupid fool. I hope it helps a little that I at least know that already.