07-28-05 @ 1:16 am EDT

I got a reply from the penpal girl yesterday. Apparently she doesn't have time to write to people online anymore. She would like to snail mail though. I almost took her up on it.

Then I saw that this was not an e-mail to me but to a dozen other people as well.

I was never the friend she claimed I could be. I was part of a collection she doesn't even have time for. I don't even know why she was looking for friends in the first place. I don't know why I even answered her when the voice calling me stupid was right just like it always is. That voice is ALWAYS right and I always find out the hard way.

I wake up and go to bed with STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ringing in my head now. And every minute in between. STUPID WORTHLESS STUPID USELESS STUPID.

God must be telling me I am just not meant to have friends. It never works out. NEVER.

I was STUPID to think I could ever be anyone's friend.

When the ones I have now fall through I will give up. I can't take this anymore. I didn't even know her and I'm crying like she was my best friend because I realize how little I mean and how little I will always mean. I didn't even warrant an individual mail.

Nothing I do will ever mean anything.

I will never mean anything important to anyone.

And I'm STUPID for ever thinking I could.

I want to die in the next few years. I can't stand the thought of another 20, 10, 5 years like this. I can't. I wish I would not wake up anymore.

I asked for help in an anxiety/depression forum a while back and all but two of them informed me that since I'm too afraid to get help on my own, to make a phone call to who knows where and find out that there is no free help available here, then I must not really want to get better. I'm too afraid to "really" want help. If I can afford to be online then surely I can afford a psychiatrist so I must not be serious. That if I want to feel better I should volunteer for a nonexistent soup kitchen and if I complain that I'm too terrified to do that, then I don't really mean it. That I'm STUPID to be asking for help in an online forum. None of them will help me. All but two called me lazy and said I was complaining and didn't "really" mean it. That I like being this way. This is a forum on an exclusive site for intelligent adult people, too. I never fit in there and now I know why. I never fit anywhere. I never will. I hate that I've subjected ANYBODY to what is me. I'm sorry I did. I've never been worth half the trouble anyone even bothers spending on me anymore.

One of the two people who didn't call me stupid referred me to a site but it's in northwestern Michigan and that can't help me. I don't know anybody around here who can help me. I can't ask my parents. I don't have anyone else to ask. I can't even get help. I'm too STUPID to.

I wish I had the courage to take all of these STUPID sleeping pills and get it all over with. Even writing hurts now. I can't find lasting comfort in anything anymore.

And I wasted my morning writing her a goodbye letter just like I wasted those two hours writing her the hello letter, so I didn't even get much STUPID writing done yesterday, not that it will ever matter. Two STUPID letters I never should have bothered with in the first place. I'm tired of trying. Trying has never gotten me anything in life but more hurt. I want to just give up everything. I don't know why I even feel so awful. I should have expected it. It's nothing new. It will never be anything new.

I don't want to keep living this life anymore. I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what it was. I can't keep going on like this. There's no purpose for me here, there never has been, and I don't want to keep living this non-life. I am STUPID to think anything I am, anything I do could ever be worth anything.