08-25-05 @ 9:47 am EDT

I actually did not feel so bad today as I did yesterday, which was a relief, because I hate that feeling so much now. I cried so much the other night that I've been sneezing and everything like I have a bad cold. When I'm like this, I hate any little thing that happens because it's so hard to stop the tears from coming, that when even a little trickle comes, it turns into a flood. Always. I even shied away from two message boards where I made confrontational posts because no matter how anonymous the people behind the responses are, if one of them disagreed with me in the least, I could have burst into tears and reviled myself the rest of the night. In fact I did get upset with one person's reply, but at least I didn't end up crying.

I messed up today.

I logged into one of my alternate Yahoo! accounts to send a message. It's the account I used to e-mail the girl I tried being penpals with, who had so many other penpals that I wrote her a letter letting her know that I felt I'd made a mistake, I didn't think she would have the time or inclination to be penpals with me, that I'd misinterpreted her ad and had just shown up too late. I wasn't rude in it but by now that doesn't matter. It was basically a goodbye e-mail because, yes, I felt so utterly STUPID after going out on a limb and contacting her, then finding out she already had a DOZEN other people she was writing to; and this does make me angry when I see it on penpal sites, the people who say, "I've found great friends here but I wanted to find a bunch more!" To have a bunch of friends is nice, but why keep looking for more and more and MORE? It's been my experience that people with dozens of friends like that don't really have the time to dedicate to ANY of them in any sort of depth. They aren't friends, in short. Just acquaintances. When *I* first tried penpal sites, I mistakenly assumed that that's what people were looking for, was FRIENDS. I've since learned I was wrong. Even the ones who say they are looking for friends and not just e-mail in their inboxes don't really mean that. And that's the people I DIDN'T write to.

I felt so stupid for having even bothered this person, but yes, I was angered and insulted that she hadn't even bothered to send me an actual e-mail. It was a carbon copy sent to TWELVE other people besides me. Saying she didn't have the time to e-mail but she'd love to try snail mail. I was going to give it a shot until I noticed all the other names included and then I just felt so stupid and idiotic. I had started to get a hint when she described all the stuff she was involved in that she was so outgoing and popular that I felt uneasy already. I am always the person who falls through the cracks, and I did not want that to happen again. This just proved it and I wrote the apology/farewell letter. "I hope you realize how lucky you are that you have so many friends. Some people can only dream of that sort of thing," I told her.

I assumed that since she was so POPULAR and BUSY (Harry Potter parties had kept her away from replying to me in the first place), she likely wouldn't even reply, if she even read it. She might send a short response but nothing big. I could tell she had enough of a life to not care. I didn't log into that account again and this is the first time I have in about a month. I avoided logging in just so I would not have to see the title of any response she might send...or so I would not see the response she WOULDN'T send.

I really figured there would be one short response at most, which I would just mark as read and then forget about as always, like all the other people I tried out.

I logged in there today and there were five mails. All from her. The first, something like "I DO want to be your friend!" The second, "A nice LONG e-mail!"--it was 39kb. The next two, "Lugnasadh" and "Happy Lugnasadh" or however it's spelled. The last one, "Depressed."

I honestly did not believe she would give a damn either way since she had so many other friends, I was a drop in the bucket and would never matter. I would not feel so awful now if it weren't for that last mail with the subject "Depressed." She sent the last mail on the fifth of this month. Twenty days ago.

I can't possibly reply to any of them at all now. I can't even bring myself to open them. I marked them as read and moved them into a folder I had just created, "Junk," so I do not have to see them. I know she won't be sending any more.

I *did* think that she MIGHT be a tiny bit hurt--but more likely pissed off--when I sent my goodbye letter. I did honestly believe she would read it and think, "This stupid bitch! Why did she waste my time like that?"--and then delete it and forget I exist. Why would somebody with a dozen other friends give a rat's ass about me? Especially since she sent me a form response. That rather told me she didn't much care. And I still do believe that, in a way. I honestly do feel we would not have made good friends, and either way one of us would have ended up not writing to the other anymore.

But no matter how crappy that made me feel and how hurtful and wrong I think it was of her to do that (what sort of person posts a penpal ad and then sends a form response??), I still feel awful that I hurt HER. Why would she send me an e-mail with the subject "Depressed"? I made her feel that way. The way I feel now. The way I felt when SHE sent ME that form letter. I hate this feeling. I hate giving it to someone else, no matter what she did.

Now I'm crying again. Over somebody I honestly figured had already forgotten me by the time I said goodbye.

I don't know what to do to make it right. No matter what I do it ends up all wrong. The ONLY thing I could have done right...would have been if I had simply never contacted her in the first place. And I can't take that back, now. I still think it was the best thing to just not write to her anymore, because I do not think we had enough in common to sustain anything, and I think she was way too popular and way too busy to approach anything even resembling friendship with me--I still hurt over the LAST busy person I attempted friendship with. It never works. And I feel far too stupid and ashamed now for anything resembling "communication" or "correspondence." I do not want us to correspond with each other. I cannot even open a single mail she already sent me. But I hate that I hurt her like that. It's true, and I never denied it--I was giving up on her too early, and not giving her enough of a chance, and then avoiding her like the plague. But I really did think she would not mind or care, and I really thought it was the best thing I could do, short of just leaving her hanging, which I had vowed not to do.

So how come I feel so lousy and how do I make it right? I almost want to send her a short mail, let her know I did not read her responses and had not logged into my account in a month, and just tell her again that I'm sorry. No correspondence wanted, but I'm sorry I hurt her. Please do not reply. But knowing my luck, that would just make her feel even worse. She probably HAS forgotten me by now.

But I hate the thought that maybe she hasn't. I was wrong before.

I can't do anything right. Not even tell somebody I won't bother them again. I really thought that would make everything right, at least for her. It's too late to fix it now but I can't stop hurting about it. Even if she doesn't remember me, I do remember her.