09-16-05 @ 1:03 am EDT

I feel like such a fucking fool. I'm trying to understand, but I don't. I feel like it's just because I tried my best and swallowed my terror and tried telling how I really felt. Every time I do that, it falls apart. I really thought that if I tried swallowing my fear for once, it would work. I got that feeling. So why isn't it working?

I'm trying not to be selfish and I'm trying to be good and to be there, but it doesn't seem to be wanted. It was said it was wanted, but all I feel now is just being pushed away. The silence keeps drawing out. Am I just not wanted? I wish this could at least be said. If my attention IS wanted...then why does it feel like it's not?

Why do I feel like I'm just being annoying and a burden? I've been trying even more than I did with anyone else to be there. And I feel more alone than ever now.

Every day all I see is this silence and this desire for me not to be there. I tried to be confident enough to think that maybe I was wrong...but signs keep telling me this isn't so. I log off and cry every night and can't even turn to who I wanted to because it would just be a bother now. Is this was it was supposed to be like?

I don't even want to post this because I don't want to hurt anybody. Because I really want it to work out. Because I still see pain there and I wanted to help. What if I'm the cause? What if this just makes it worse? But I don't know what else to do by now. I tried everything--offering a shoulder, trying to lean on a shoulder in return, offering things to try to cheer up. It doesn't feel like any of it's working. I can't do anything of more use. And I'm more alone every day.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be there for them and help them out. But I don't think they want or need me there anymore.

And I can't stop hurting and crying about it anymore.

I don't know what's left that I can do. I reached out all that I could. It's like there's nobody there.

If I'm the one behind all of it, then I'm sorry. I want to help you but I don't know what I can do that you would really want or need. I can't speak to you now, not because I don't want to, because I do, but because I feel like I bothered you enough. I would try to be there for you right now, even now, if you would just let me, but do you really want that? I can't seem to do anything of use anymore if I ever even did. I'm sorry I fooled myself into thinking anything I tried to do for you mattered at all. If you're even reading this.