09-30-05 @ 10:20 am EDT

I can't stop worrying. -_- I don't think we're going to make it through this winter. Dad says that we will, but he says things like that to make me feel better and they don't always have a basis in reality. He says he has a lot of orders for carved sticks but there can't be nearly enough demand for sticks to pay for gas for the winter. In Michigan, winter lasts from October to May. I keep turning our thermostat down; it's currently 68 degrees in here, when anything below 72 makes me feel cold. But it's already started running for the year. If I turn it down more, it'll be about the same as it is outside. And it's only September. It's going to get much worse.

And this is just one winter. There's the one after it...and the one after that...and on and on. And gas is used for other things like cooking and heating water. The bills don't stop once the summer comes back.

Gas; electricity; cable; Internet; telephone; car payments; car insurance; groceries; even the money I spend on this site.

We can't use space heaters because the last one shorted out the electricity in part of the house and now the lighting is useless out there--out here I should say, as it's here, where the computer and printer are located. This is an old house with bad electricity; it's only a matter of time before it goes.

Both Ma and Dad work. Both do odd things in addition to make money--she does crafts--he does his carvings. I can't do anything. Even if I had confidence, I have no skills that anyone needs. I would be happy just to bring in a little bit of money every week--$20 or $30 even. $30 could pay for a bill. But all I know how to do is type and proofread and nobody needs that so much that they're willing to PAY for it. At least, not more than once.

I know from experience. I've done such jobs before. A database for my mom's employer, and a resume for my uncle. They paid for both. But they were one-time things. Nobody ever needs my help more than once.

The only thing I would be good for is disability, and it takes forever to be accepted for that, IF one is even accepted, which I probably wouldn't be because all I am is "shy." And I was never diagnosed. We would have to spend money we don't have just to apply. I can't even be messed up in a way that's of any use.

I am absolutely useless, and even IF I were to die now, my parents still wouldn't make it through the winter. If I hadn't been born, I bet they'd be fine. They'd have saved up all the money they've otherwise spent taking care of ME.

The heater's going to automatically come on in a half hour. I stop it whenever I'm able, but I can't stop it from automatically coming on. And I can't stop it forever.