10-27-05 @ 10:05 am EDT

Half of my family discovered my online journal.

I want to say that I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. I never meant anything cruel I said. And if I jeopardized any of you in any way then I'm even sorrier. I know how much what I wrote about meant to all of you and I never meant harm by it. I thought it would be enough for me to omit last names but it wasn't. I will not post such personal information ever again.

I want to say in case anyone was worried, the "map" on my journal page is not a map. It is a weather radar to show the weather in my hometown. Everyone online knows my hometown, but not my address. I have never once publicly posted my address, or anyone's address, and I have been very careful in who I share my last name with. Even in the entry which located my journal, I omitted last names. It was never my intent to hurt anyone.

I want to ask all of you one thing, that even though no one can turn back the clock, you please stop reading my journal. I know it's a foolish thing to ask, but it's the only way I could ever make any use of the thing again. My only purposes in having an online journal were in letting out my feelings, and in sharing things of interest to me. It was just never an issue regarding the family before because nobody ever showed any interest in reading anything of mine. My journal has been online for four years now. Nobody ever brought it up so I figured that even if someone had found it, they weren't interested enough to say anything. Ma found it once, and I was so embarrassed, but she quickly forgot about it. I really don't say much of interest in it.

I realize it makes little sense to all of you, because you have families, jobs, lives, and real-life friends. I don't have these except my parents. And I can't share everything with them. It's actually easier for me to share things with people I've come to know online, and, yes, strangers. I've never posted a thing in my journal that I would regret a total stranger knowing, but I have posted things I regret my family knowing.

I've posted things in anger and I've called names and said hurtful things. I apologize for each of these and wish so much that I hadn't come across the way that I had. I've NEVER, EVER said an untrue thing in my journal. But I have said hurtful things and things I wish I could take back. I can't delete my entries because to me that's deleting a part of my life, and it doesn't erase what I said...but I wish I'd said things differently. Most of these entries are from long ago and I've changed somewhat since then. I still get angry and I say mean things but if it sounds like I hate anyone, I don't. I feel like I don't understand any of you, and you don't understand me, and that gets me frustrated sometimes. I really did get the feeling a lot that most of you just didn't care about me. Not out of cruelty, but just because we were too different. Whenever I've met any of you, you never seemed interested in me for me. When I get asked about when I'll get a job, or a boyfriend...it just hurts me so much because I'm not normal like the rest of you and I wish I were. This is what I've been agonizing over lately, why I'm not like all of you? How come I turned out so different and messed up? I can't understand it and it makes me feel angry and frustrated and I say stupid things. I never meant to sound hateful or hurtful. I hope that all of you can believe me, though I feel that's too much to ask considering what I did.

I can't say enough how sorry I am that I hurt everybody. Even before this happened, I wished I had not posted certain things. I wish I could make myself believable but I don't know how.

I will never post such things online again. The ONE thing I've tried to be careful with is addresses and last names. The mere fact that any of you know now where I post is enough to keep me from talking about any of you again, and I'm sorry that I already did. You don't have to worry about that, I will not do it again. I just wish I could be sure I haven't messed up your applications in any way. I never meant harm. I was sharing it because in honesty I was hopeful about it myself but if it messed it up for any of you...I can't even say I'm sorry because it's pointless. I know all of you would be furious with me. I mess up so much and now I've done it again; I wish I could take it back. I'm sorry.

I'm so embarrassed right now and I wish I had never let my temper get the better of me...I'll try to explain...but I don't know if you would understand or agree. I don't have real-life friends, and so I try to make them online. There are a few people I write to. I NEVER, EVER share personal information about ANY of you with them. We just write about the things I'm interested in, and my life--stuff anybody could know--that's it, I swear. I know it sounds weird to you that I make friends online and post such personal info about myself online, but to me, it's just as weird to make friends in real life so easily--it's just something I've never been able to do. I see all of you and you're so outgoing and happy and...I've just never been that way, and I've never understood how to be that way. I'm terrified of people--I'm even terrified of all of you, why else do I not go to family gatherings?--and this is why I have no real life. Online is the closest thing I have to any sort of interaction with the real world. I never brought this up with anyone because the reaction has always been that I'm strange for sharing myself online, and I found that hurtful. It's nothing compared to how all of you and Ma must feel...I'm more humiliated that I hurt any of you than that any of you found out anything personal about me!! I would gratefully live with the humiliation of you all knowing my personal stuff if it meant I hadn't hurt anybody! I hope that you believe me.

I just couldn't share things in real life because I didn't want to bother anyone around me--my family--and I knew I would upset them if I shared what's on my mind. I used to but it got people upset so I stopped and I vent online--that's all I ever meant to do. You see, it's a bit safer online because these are people I'll never meet, never pass in town--I don't care that they know about me. It's not like I'm going into chat rooms and hitting them up to meet me somewhere!! I am stupid but I'm not that stupid. Trust me on that at least.

Have you ever said something completely asinine to a friend, something you wouldn't dare say to family? Or vice-versa? This is what I did and I wish I hadn't...because this "friend" was the entire Internet...I felt safe because honestly, barely anybody ever reads this thing! Only the few people I e-mail, and occasional random people. If there are more, then I never knew, because they don't say anything. And in the past I tried interesting some of you in my FICTIONAL writing and there was never much interest that I could tell, so I just figured this would be the same way. I feel so stupid. I wish I had not posted that letter or anything hurtful. I'm sorry if I ruined your applications. I never meant to. I can't say I'm sorry enough. I didn't think anyone would ever see it or bother with it.

I want to ask that after this you please not read any more. I won't post anything of such a personal nature as I did before. I might complain or say I'm worried, because I never lied in here...everything I wrote was the truth, even though I should have not been so hurtful and judgemental in how I said things...please forgive me...but I will not post anything about any of you. I might refer to Ma or Dad in terms of daily life but I will not post anything personal about them. I will still post about ME though, and this is why I wish for all of you to not read this anymore. It's stupid to ask but it's the last shred of privacy I have left. It's no longer private... -_- ...but I still need a place where I can share what's worrying me, or interests me, without upsetting any of you or making you bored. That's the only reason why I ever posted such things in here. Because I never wanted to bother anybody in real life. I can take care of my own personal matters, so you do not have to worry about that. I know what I feel comfortable sharing and what I don't, and I DO NOT feel comfortable sharing anything about any of you anymore. I wish I never had.

I still post personal things though and it would humiliate me greatly if you were to look further and delve into them; like I said, I don't mind names on the Internet seeing such things, but I do mind any of you seeing them. There are parts of me, issues I believe in, interests of mine, that you probably wouldn't agree with, and I would hate any of you to hate me for that. There are parts of all of you that I'd rather not know about, and it's the same with me. I'm not out posing naked or hitting strangers up for sex or taking drugs or buying things illegally or planning to blow anything up...I'm not planning to kill myself...if you were really worried about that!! I've never lied in here but I also never threatened to kill myself. So please DO NOT feel that if you stop reading, I'm going to go and do something dangerous, because the stupidest thing I ever did was I hurt all of you and jeopardized YOU. I wish I could make you believe how sorry I am.

But I still wish you would not continue to look in on my personal things. Since I will not post about any of you in such a way, all I have left is to post about me. You may not really understand but it helped me in a way to post in here when I was angry. I had no one I felt I could talk to but for a few people online. Sometimes, all I needed was to know that somebody was listening, and they cared. I just...never got that feeling from any of you. Maybe because I misunderstood all of you, and if that's so, then I'm sorry. I never hated any of you for it. I just realized you were different. To you, it's easy to walk up to somebody and say hello, to get up and go to work in the morning, to take care of your families. I can barely even take care of myself; I can't say hello to a stranger or even to a relative; the thought of working terrifies me because I don't know how to do anything! This is why I felt so worthless. And so just being able to share my worries and anger with a few people helped a little.

Knowing that anyone who knows me in real life can look in on that at any time embarrasses and threatens me. I know it sounds strange, to not mind strangers knowing such things, but that's how it is. Please understand.

Can you please not read this anymore and let me have a tiny bit of privacy? It's only personal things of interest to me from now on. You could be interested in the same way that an older brother will read his little sister's diary, but all the stuff he reads in it is boring but for the fact that it's private stuff about her. I write about writing, mythology, Michigan, Egypt, my pets, stuff like that. Honest. All you'll miss is my boring personal writing. So please just let me have this one thing back, and I will never bother any of you again.

Please, do not look further into my journal or links, and PLEASE do not share this with anyone who hasn't yet found it. I want it to end here...I'm sorry it ever started. I feel stupid asking for such a big favor in return for all the trouble I caused. I'm so sorry. Even if you can't forgive me then please try not to hate me. I never hated any of you, I just never understood you, and I honestly thought none of you cared. I'm sorry I misunderstood. It was never out of spite or hate. If anything, I've always felt that I've burdened this family and let it down, and I was the one who never belonged. I've envied all of YOU all this time.