11-24-05 @ 2:47 am EST

I'm lonely. -_- And I'm hurting, and frustrated, and have been for days, but don't see a point in posting it here.

I'm tired of crying every single day. Of trying to be a good person, but never being good enough to matter. Of people telling me I'm a good person but actions never live up to words. I'm tired of trying and getting the same results everywhere. Nothing will ever make me happy. I could have a hundred people sending me encouragement a hundred times a day (as if that would ever happen) and it would still never be enough to convince me that I matter. I feel like that time in my life has passed and I'll always be this way. Even looking at my old writing I can see I was once happy, but I'll never be that way again. If this is the rest of my life then why am I here?

I can't even lean on anybody or bother anybody about it. As if it would help anyway.

I feel angry and hurt, but why bother going into it? It never changes anything. At the end of the day I'm still always crying and alone so even typing this entry pisses me off. I've typed a hundred entries like it before and it's never changed a thing. It all comes across as "Wah, wah, wah, pity me," when all I ever really wanted was people who REALLY care, not stupid empty sympathy. I'm not saying the people around me lie, but I can't turn to anyone when I'm feeling like this. No matter what anyone says.

And I think I failed my disability interview. Ten minutes on the phone? How can they tell anything about anyone from that? I talk loudly and clearly when I'm on the phone. Only because I would feel MORE humiliated mumbling! She couldn't see the way my hand was shaking. She couldn't see the way I cried for a half hour after I hung up and Ma left. She can't see how I sit in my room and cry every night as it is, nor how long it takes me to reply to e-mails, nor how furious and frustrated I am when every attempt I DO make at reaching out or being braver results in squat. She can't see how my whole pathetic lack of a life is caught up in writing junk that I'm so caught up in, that other people's disinterest stabs me all the time. A psychologist can't diagnose you after ten minutes on the phone. I really thought there would be more to it. All I got to tell her was, "I was diagnosed with OCD...I'm afraid of everything...I'm shaking just talking to you on the phone right now." Oh, big whoop. She probably thinks I'm another in a long line of people trying to rip off the government...I thought there would be more to it than that...at least an in-person interview. They're going to request my records. My records won't tell them what they need to know! I was never diagnosed with the problem that I really have. I doubt my psychologist and psychiatrist even believe I HAD such a bad problem. I only started feeling like TOTAL shit AFTER I stopped seeing them! I can't even be DISABLED properly.

So now I get to sit and wait for four months for...nothing. Another rejection. Which isn't a surprise since it's practically what I face all the time anyway.

And I post it in here because it's not like I can talk to anyone else about it.