11-30-05 @ 9:43 am EST

The human body needs things in order to survive. If it doesn't get enough of them, eventually it just gives up and shuts down. Why isn't it the same way with the mind or feelings? I'm not even living anymore, if I ever was. Nothing makes me happy, not even writing, and I always get my hopes up for nothing. I've been this way for weeks. I don't see it ever changing anymore. I can't believe anything anybody says if it even hints that I'm worth being here. Everything is empty. I'm tired. Even the rare friendly word just reminds me of the dozen or so before it from people who never meant anything they said. And I believed all those people too. I'm tired of believing and hoping when I have nothing lasting to prove that I have any use here.

The body wastes away, and dies if it doesn't get what it needs. It's obvious I'll never get what I need. So why am I still here? Why don't I just waste away? I'm tired of waking up to every new day of this, of going to sleep after every old day of this. Why can't I at least feel nothing, care about nothing, if it's never going to change?