01-07-06 @ 8:43 am EST

Now I can't even do something selfless without messing up. -_-

I'm always praised online for feeding the animals outside. Now I'm no better than somebody who shoots them for fun. Sometime yesterday(?), the big dog that wanders onto our property killed one of the rabbits that would visit our porch. I loved those rabbits. There were two of them. They usually showed up together. I wondered if they were mates or siblings. I decided on the latter. I called them 'Bozho and 'Basso, after the brothers Manabozho and Wabasso/Chibiabos, the Great Rabbit and the White Rabbit/Ghost Rabbit. I haven't seen them in ages, but I often see their tracks, and I took to buying and tossing rabbit food out for them. For all I know a squirrel is eating that instead, and the rabbits would eat the stray bird food anyway, but I hoped they understood the gesture. I even thought of it, stupidly, as maybe a way of giving offering...since the stories say that 'Bozho feels hurt for having been forgotten...I even wondered if maybe that really WAS him in disguise...? I also cleared a spot under the tree, in case they want to sit for a moment without being in the snow...and it KIND of looked like there were tracks and droppings there once...

Then yesterday, I went out to check the mail, and stepped over a big disturbed area near the door...it was only later when I found a hunk of fur in the driveway. Then more, and more...I went back to the disturbed patch. What I had thought was dead leaves was hunks of torn fur, scattered all over. There, and across part of the yard, and into the driveway...I started to feel so sick. Not physically, as there was no blood, but I hoped so much it was one of the raccoons, or a squirrel...I THOUGHT I saw a stripe on the fur...

I brought a hunk in and showed it to Dad. What kind of animal is this? "Rabbit," he said, without even having to think... -_- I cried all morning...I'd been fearing that that dog might go after them, as it's obviously been prowling our property for weeks (I've never seen it, but a lot of days I see the tracks it makes, and they're huge...like Great Dane feet...the nearest dogs are a Lab, which is small and I doubt it would KILL a rabbit like that...and some German shepherds, but they seem small too, and I don't know if they're allowed to run loose), but I hoped it wouldn't...but it has. I don't even know if it got one, or both, there's so little left. I don't know what's become of the other one, if it's even alive. It's probably gone for good as well. I wouldn't want to come back.

And so now...there's no more 'Bozho and 'Basso. Because of me. They wouldn't have been here for the dog to get them, if I weren't throwing out food for them. And the spot where it died points a finger right at ME. It looks like it was killed right beside my little pine tree. A tree it probably tried to shelter under. My tree.

So now, even the one selfless thing I've ever done has brought nothing but more pain. In the stories, Wabasso was killed by evil manitous, and Manabozho was so inconsolable, he called him back from the dead...but Wabasso was Chibiabos now, and couldn't return. He didn't belong among the dead or the living. In my own story, he became a lost spirit, forever between the two worlds. And 'Bozho was left alone and so full of grief...look what I've done, just like in the story. Only real, and a rabbit can't see any meaning or consolation in anything. I feel sorriest for the survivor, if there is one. What does it feel now? The 'Bozho in my story found solace. This is just a rabbit. There's nothing I could ever do to make up for this. -_-

I tossed the bit of fur on the front porch and sat down at the computer, but couldn't write; no words would come, I felt so guilty, even making the noise of typing seemed wrong; when I forced a few words to come, I had to type slowly; I couldn't make them clack. It felt wrong to sit down and write like that. I managed to wait until the mail went by, then retrieved the bit of fur from the front porch...I couldn't bear tossing it out like it was leftover food...and went back to my pine tree. I stared at the remains and cried. I started to hope that maybe it had gotten away--? Maybe the dog had just torn out a lot of its fur. After all, there was no blood! How can a struggling rabbit get torn apart and leave no blood?? But the piece of fur I held was attached to a piece of raw skin... -_- With how much fur there was, scattered all over, it just couldn't have survived. Ma later suggested that it was merely the pelt of a dead rabbit, and the dog had made off with it, but that wouldn't explain the struggle...I have to face the fact that 'Basso at least is gone, and it's my fault. I tempted the rabbits onto our property, the dog stalked them, and one died beneath my tree. You can't get clearer than that.

I took the piece of fur...I considered trying to collect all the bits I could, but it was scattered so much, and what would I do with it?--I can't bury it--and set it up in the highest branches of my pine tree...I said I was sorry, and asked its spirit to stay in/with my tree if it needed to, because surely my tree wouldn't mind watching over it...I was even hopeful of the thought of a rabbit's spirit staying in my tree...but only if it wanted or needed to. I don't know how this works...it died violently, but I'm not of the mind that everything that dies violently leaves a restless spirit, especially not if it was a "natural" thing...I mean, I don't fault the dog for killing it, that's just what dogs do--there's no malice involved...but maybe the rabbit is lost and confused without the other one? I know how I hurt being alone, how the real 'Bozho must have hurt. If my tree could give 'Basso a place to feel safe and watched over, and it could be there for me too, I wouldn't mind it...I wish I could do more for both of them... -_-

I'm trying to make some sense out of it. On the one hand, I say, if it didn't happen here it could just as easily have happened elsewhere. I'm not the only one who throws out food. Surely those rabbits visit other homes. And the dog wanders loose, so it could have killed them anywhere. I couldn't have been expected to do a thing. And, perhaps it's even best that it happened here, near my tree, because I cared about it...most people would see what I saw, and say, "Ew," and either clean it up/toss it out or forget about it...but I keep thinking about it, and did what stupid little thing I could, in case it's lost and lonely, and apologized...maybe its spirit won't be lost and alone, here, at my tree, since I invited it to stay...whereas most people wouldn't think a thing of it...

But on the other hand...it likely IS all my fault, just because. I throw out more bird food than other people probably do, so the rabbits come for the leftovers...I even toss out rabbit food, clear spaces in the snow, make them dependent on me...they visit too much and too often, even when I KNOW a big dog has been sniffing around...and it died near my tree...maybe not a hopeful sign but an indictment, telling me how guilty I am...this is MY fault. It DIDN'T happen on someone else's property, but on mine. Both animals might never wander anywhere but here. I even probably attracted that dog to our property, with the promise of rabbits. It's my fault...just like in the story, 'Bozho and 'Basso are apart now, and I'm the one who did it.

And even if they do have spirits, why should I think it would possibly want to stay here, near the one who very well killed it? Why should I expect the other one to ever return? I feel guilty now tossing out that handful of rabbit food...I only did because there's a lot of leftover food out there anyway, and if a rabbit REALLY wants to come, it's inevitable, whether I toss that food out or not...so it's probably inevitable that I'll kill the second rabbit, too... -_-

I don't understand how I never even HEARD it. Rabbits are supposed to scream when afraid or in pain...awful screams...and it must have happened when I was awake...I didn't listen to loud music yesterday, as I was crying. Did even my crying distract me too much from hearing it...?

And even considering all of this, why should I be stupid enough to think the real Manabozho would want to be in any way associated with me or what I do? Even if he was, he wouldn't be now...all I do is bring unhappiness, no matter what I do.

I wish it had some meaning to it, but at the end of the day it's likely just a dead rabbit, and quite likely all my fault. -_-