01-11-06 @ 9:22 am EST

I go to take the mental exam for disability today...I just know I'm going to mess it up/fail/whatever they call it, and get denied. I filled out some forms (why do they need to know my hobbies??--what do my interests matter??), and said that they could use my journals if they wanted to, because I write ALL KINDS of anxious stuff in here--I've even been spending all my waking hours formatting them for offline use--but so far no one's asked for them...all they have to go on is those forms, and a few dumb questions from the person I'll see today? Somebody who will know me for all of a half hour or so, if that? That's honestly all they'll go on to determine how messed up or not I've been for 29 years? :(

If so, of course they will find me just fine, and let me know what everyone else in my life has been saying all along, that all I need to do is just get over it...and there will go the one way I could have possibly helped my family... -_-

I don't even see the point in going. It'll just be yet ANOTHER person saying they'll help me, then falling through. Another humiliation, just to be told what I've been told all along, that I would be just fine if I would get over it. Nobody in my real life has ever believed me. None of my teachers, none of my relatives, none of my classmates, none of my therapists. I've always just needed to "get over it."

I know I'm going to be sobbing as soon as it's over. And again, when I get the "Denied" form in the mail. And for many days after, just like I've been crying already. Too bad the mental examiner won't be able to see me THEN.

I just want someone to believe me, and help me for a change. But it never happens.

I'm going to lose sleep today just to get humiliated yet again. It hardly seems fair.

(Thank you to the people who posted notes to my last entry...even though I'm not sure who a couple of you are...unfortunately, I cannot do anything about the dog, which has still been stopping by. I don't know whose dog it is, if it even has an owner, and I'm the only one in the house who even cares.)