01-26-06 @ 8:45 am EST

Ugh. I had to let a lady into the house to use the phone yesterday...how humiliating. -_- Our house is such a mess. I know, when your car has run out of gas, and it's blustering cold out, and you need to get a ride, you don't give a rat's ass what somebody's house looks like just as long as they have a phone...but still...it's embarrassing. I can't believe all the stupid thoughts that went through my head. Well, I guess I can, but still, they make me sound nuts.

I saw the mail go by early so was finishing up online and getting ready to go out when I stepped outside and noticed a car parked right in front of our mailbox. I had to wander around the pavement a bit, pretending not to be interested, to make sure it was empty. Thinking, "Now what kind of MORON parks right in front of a mailbox??" Aren't there laws against that? If there aren't, there should be. I thought it was dreadfully rude and it put me in a bad mood because where was the owner of the car and were they watching me?

I even pondered the possibility of it being the people from SSI (or whatever), checking up on me. Spying to see if in my spare time, I really don't go out and chatter with the neighbors and engage in extreme sports and stuff...you know how they always send people out to videotape people who supposedly have physical disabilities, and like 99% of the time they're out there in broad daylight, lifting heavy weights, engaging in hard exercise, doing practically EVERYTHING in their power to get caught cheating the system? Well I thought maybe they would check up on me. Paranoid, I know, but I've been feeling very paranoid of everything lately...but that's another entry which I swore I would not post because I don't like whining about the same things all the time. Suffice it to say that lately I feel the people around me falling away, and I just feel like saying, "Who cares" to everything nowadays, because nothing feels like it's worth any effort anymore. -_-

In any event...no one was in the car. The Muffin was scared now though, so he didn't want to come out. I shut him on the porch so he wouldn't pee on Pepper's grave (he's taken to peeing when I take him outside, and he got very close to doing that the other day), and went walking around doing my thing. I think the little cedar by the side road is dying. -_- *sigh* I went into the front yard and saw that the snow drifts looked nice so started taking pictures. I would like to upload some for use as stock art on Deviant Art, even though my compression isn't the best so I bet nobody would want to use my stupid lame photos even if they look pretty (which they don't)...but ANYWAY...while I was thus engaged, a minivan came up the highway, and slowed down right out front. "Keepgoingkeepgoingkeepgoing," I started grumbling, but a woman got out and started walking down our driveway. ! "Don'taskfordirectionsdon'taskfordirectionsdon'taskfordirections," I muttered, because I can't even give directions to Wal-Mart, and we go there every week. She didn't say a thing to me, just went walking along and out of sight. I was very confused and kind of miffed by this but decided it was better than talking to her so just kept doing what I was doing like I hadn't even seen her.

On an unrelated note, a few times the past summer there was this shithead on a moped (sounds like a song title...) who would enter our long driveway, go speeding across our pavement, and then CUT THROUGH OUR SIDE YARD before going out into the side road and driving off, ALL WITHIN PLAIN SIGHT OF ME AS I STOOD OUTSIDE IN OUR YARD. WTF is WITH such an asshole?! HELLO! There's a SIDE ROAD you can take if the journey is so damn important! And if you honestly can't take it, then you could at LEAST go down the driveway, across the pavement, and out the other driveway which leads right into the side road. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH CUTTING THROUGH OUR DAMN YARD?! It's like the moron WENT OUT OF HIS WAY just to cut through the grass and trees and endanger my cedar! My cat was always out with me at those times and he could have run him right over--on OUR property! I was outside STARING AT HIM each time he did this, and he LOOKED at me one time. He KNOWS it's private property and that I saw him! I wish I were a bigger person, I would either scream at him, or run at him and shove him off that stupid bike, or set up a TRIPWIRE or something...ASS! But anyway...back to yesterday...*huffing*

Well, this strange lady went walking up our driveway. /:( I pretended not to notice...maybe she had some weird reason? I figured by now that she was associated with the car blocking our mailbox even though I couldn't figure out why she'd cut across our property; well, at least she was ignoring me, and I could ignore her, and all would be fine as long as she didn't pull out a moped. I went over to the tree stump and started scattering some tea leaves (don't ask... -_- ), and saw that she was now on our pavement, walking back and forth and staring at the house, peering at the foundation like she was examining it! :/ Well, she WASN'T some sort of city worker...she was wearing a coat and hat...nothing official...so what was she doing?? Did she think the place was for sale? Who would want it?? I still pretended this was all quite normal. Then she saw me and yelled something but I couldn't hear. UGH, UGH, UGH!! >_< I picked my way back out of the woods and went walking over to her because it's hardly like I could ignore her NOW. She seemed a bit meek to address me but what must she have been thinking, seeing me scattering the contents of a teabag over in the woods?? "What is that weirdo doing??" She said something else which I couldn't hear, then said, "Do you live here?" I nodded--DUH lady, I mean, you just saw me in the yard taking pictures of SNOW! By now I was thinking SHE was kind of weird, but, well...oh well. I don't know. I don't know how people think. I sound even weirder, myself, in comparison I guess.

"Could I use your phone?" she asked, sounding apologetic. "We ran out of gas and I need to call a friend, he lives not too far from here..."

I didn't hear much else, just nodded and said, "Sure," and directed her to the door. Coz was still on the porch, now huddled against the inner door; I bet the lady had just enough time to think, "Aw, what a pretty cat--!" before he was gone. I was thinking all sorts of things as I glanced down at Pepper's grave and went up the steps and inside. Just recently on a Q&A site, someone had asked the question, if you would let someone into your house to use the phone if their car broke down. Almost everybody answered with NO. "I would make the call for them," someone said. "They could be some sort of murderer or something!"

Murderer? She didn't look like one, but who can tell. She had company waiting in the van but she was the only one there, and she was female...if it was a guy, I really don't know what I would have done. >_< Like women can't murder you. Well, they can't do OTHER things to you, so that was what counted; I'd rather be murdered than that. Of course, I guess she could have KIDNAPPED me, and brought me to a guy who COULD...that did not cross my mind until now. :/ Cripes, I'm paranoid. Anyway. I did not want to make a call FOR her!! That would be even MORE embarrassing! I guess I decided that being murdered would be less embarrassing, and wouldn't involve me having to talk quite so much, and so let her in.

"It's kind of messy," I apologized as we went in. (And it smells like cat pee. We need to clean that box, yes. I didn't say that though. >_< I mean, how do you say that to a total stranger--? "Oh yeah, watch out for the cat urine smell! You know how much those critters pee! Ha ha stupid stupid smalltalk ha ha ha!")

"That's okay," she said. The stock reply of all people in need of a telephone. I know that *I* would say, "That's okay" no matter WHAT the state of someone else's house, if I needed to use their phone...I'm just that way...though in my mind I'm probably thinking, "OhGAWDthisisawful." Well, I'm obsessive-compulsive, so maybe I think that more than other people...? >_< Anyway, if she was undesperate enough to take a glance around, I bet she was thinking, "OhGAWDthisisawful." *sigh* -_-

I made sure to move a stack of my old writing and junk away from in front of the phone before she could enter the room...there's a pile of it just sitting in the middle of the floor...CRAP this house looks like shit!! >_<;;; I'm glad it was so cold and she probably didn't care...though she's probably relating this to her friends now and laughing over how awful the house was...ugh. I pointed out the phone, and mumbled, "There's the phone" (I know, I'm obvious), and then crept out of the room again to feign giving her privacy, though I did stand out in the utility room and wait. And NOW another barrage of paranoid thoughts struck me. Is she casing the house? Seeing what she can steal? What will she steal if given the chance? The...JumpDrive? (Honest, that was the only portable thing in the room I could think of worth stealing! A 128mb JumpDrive! With my writing and drawings all over it! The digital camera was safely in my pocket...was she going to steal my JumpDrive?? I imagined her chattering on the phone, seeing it sitting there, and slipping it in her pocket...I actually had to check after she left to see that it was still there...then thought, WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE STEAL A JUMPDRIVE?! You can buy one for like $40!! Well...it's what I was thinking...)

I stood in the utility room, feeling utterly stupid, but what else could I do, HOVER? Like I expected her to order pizza and bill it to our address? (Cripes, I can't believe I didn't think of THAT until now...) I heard her talking, saying the usual stuff...ran out of gas...just a little bit in the jug...just down the road, about a mile...bla bla...I didn't listen TOO closely. Finally she finished and came back out in the utility room. "Thank you," she said as I stepped forward--"I wasn't sure where you went." AGGGHGHHH. Maybe I was EXPECTED to hover?? >_<;;;;; Embarrassing!! She probably wondered, "What was she doing standing out there amongst all those piles of clothes...?" DAMN IT this house is messy!!

We headed toward the door because I wasn't done outside yet, and I figured, she probably expects me to follow her--I don't know the "I've-got-to-use-your-phone" etiquette, what does one do when it's all over?? She opened the door and I was SURE she was going to close it in my face and I would feel utterly stupid, but she left it open, so I followed her out...she said, "It's COLD today!" at which I amened with, "Sure is!"...then she called out, "Thank you again, ma'am!" as she went walking down the driveway, and I managed a final, "You're welcome!" before my voice disappeared and I just wanted to scream STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!! at myself for an hour. >_<;;;;;;;;;; UGH!! I went wading my way back behind the garage to dispense with my other tea packet (don't ask), and prayed that she wasn't watching me and AGAIN wondering what the hell I was doing. I finished doing my stuff...had to work my way around the parked car, to find out that there was in fact NO mail (grrrrr)...then went back toward the house. The minivan was gone. :? Huh. Well. A while later the car was gone too, so I guess she got her ride, or her gas, or whatever.

And now I seriously wonder if she's at home (well, whatever time she's awake?) talking about that weird kid who was taking pictures of snow and pouring tea on tree stumps and wading around the garage and who really, really, really needs to clean her house. >_<;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; God how embarrassing.