02-11-06 @ 9:22 am EST

Apparently, my condition isn't "serious enough" to keep me from working.

Wow, I'm certainly surprised. I guess I've just been faking all this time. The eight pages of questions I answered, describing how terrified everything makes me, the 45 minutes I spent staring at the floor, unable to meet the examiner's eyes, and crying most of the time, the past eight years I've spent pretty much holed up in the house with practically no real-world contact aside from grocery shopping trips, the past ten years in which I have not made a single real-world friend, the past six years in which I haven't even made a friend online and now can barely even read e-mails, I guess that was malingering. Go figure, I certainly didn't know that.

In the rejection letter it said, "Perhaps you are receiving other benefits..." but one of the very first answers I gave the examiner was that no, I was not receiving any other benefits.

Did they not even look at the answers he must have written down?

The questions he asked showed that he hadn't seen the eight pages I had previously filled out.

Do they not compare notes?

He spent 45 minutes asking me to compare and contrast a dog and a lion, subtract these numbers, remember these three things while we talk, repeat this back to me.

What the hell does that tell them about my terror facing people?

I offered them my personal journals, five years worth of seeing me going downhill socially, but they didn't bother asking for them.

Did they not even read those eight pages I filled out?

Their site says they can interview friends, family members, coworkers to see how I am, but they didn't.

Do they even bother doing that?

They said they were going to schedule a medical exam, which, even though I'm terrified of it and don't think I need, I was getting ready for because I wanted them to be thorough; but they never bothered following through.

What was the point of that?

The booklet they gave says that if I want to appeal I have to schedule a hearing with a judge.

How the hell am I going to manage that when I could't even look the examiner in the eye?

It says I should bring witnesses.

Where the hell do you get witnesses when you've been stuck in the house for the past eight years?

It says I should hire a representative.

Where the hell do I get somebody like that, and how do I even afford it?--the only reason I TRIED this stupid-ass plan was to get money which we need to pay bills.

It says that if I can't afford a representative, to call SSI and they can get me one.

Why should I think they even give a rat's ass to hire me a decent representative when THEY are the ones who have just informed me that my problem isn't SERIOUS ENOUGH?

Ma says she's going to take the info to the Women's Resource Center and ask them what to do. She even suggested calling up my old psychologist, but I don't see what use that would serve, as it would cost money, and SSI already asked for my records from her (at least, they SAID they were going to!--should I even look into that??), and she never diagnosed me with this problem--what if she were to agree with them and say it's not that bad, herself? I used to trust her. To hear her tell me it's NOT THAT SERIOUS would crush me inside.

I have no idea what to do. I knew it wouldn't go through, but I had no idea they would care so little about it. I shouldn't be surprised, it's just one more in an endless line of people who promised to help, then didn't even bother.