02-21-06 @ 9:20 am EST

This entire thing just seems to be going completely nowhere. -_-

I'm supposed to be filling out some kind of form online, because we have no idea what else to do...I had to stop because I don't know what to fill in. "Please tell us about doctors you may have contacted since your last exam, OR anyone you may have not told us about..." How would I know?? I haven't seen anyone since then, but I could have forgotten things...and if they ask for doctors I HAVE seen, I don't remember any of that. Ma doesn't remember it either. I don't know any of this stuff. I can't even remember the names of my college teachers from ten years ago. I can't even remember the name of the Social Security person who handled my case.

Ma's apparently my "witness" because there simply IS no one else.

But we still have to file something with a judge--I don't even know what it's called!--and I have no idea how to do it. Another form. If I'm supposed to be going in there with a representative, then I'm screwed, because there ARE none. If there were any we wouldn't even know how to contact them. Ma doesn't even have the TIME.

You see, she has to do all this calling on her WORK time, when she's too busy, and if they find out that she's not qualified to speak for me then they won't talk to her, I'm assuming--that's what the Women's Resource Center said. But when I AM there to talk on the phone, it's only when she's at HOME, which is at night when everything's CLOSED!

She said she was going through with this appeal, but it's proving too tedious and bothersome for her. Whenever I bring it up with her, she gets irritated. That's all I ever am is too much trouble. I can't even be declared utterly useless without it being too much trouble for everyone.

I can't even ask for help because...why bother? Every time I've asked for help, or been offered help in the past, it fell through...people simply decided they didn't care. EVERY time.

* I still recall "Sue," who offered to help me when I was called for jury duty. She got through the monumental task of asking for my psychologist's number. I could only give her the home number because I couldn't find the work one. "Don't worry!" she claimed. "I'll look for it myself. And if I can't find it, I'll just call her home number!" Time passes. Next thing I know, she's shrugging and saying, "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out. Bye!" (That was never properly resolved, BTW. They gave me a one-time pass. If I'm called to jury duty again, I have no recourse. -_- )

* I still recall "Cyndy," who offered to help me through it when I was trying to figure out my SI (self-injuring). She asked me all sorts of questions, including one which upset me so much that I agonized over it all night, crying for hours. When I finally got back to her about it, she was very bored, listless, no longer concerned, and practically brushed me off with "Oh, well, uh-huh, that's what I meant, bye." She never did resume the discussion she'd dropped me off in the middle of.

* I still recall "Brigit," who I always let cry on my shoulder when she was upset, but whenever my turn came to cry, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm too tired, Tehuti, maybe later." In the end she even defended somebody who was personally attacking me...not long after *I* had defended HER from a personal attack. She was supposedly an "empath"...she still has no clue how much I hate her now.

* I still recall the high school guidance counselor, who promised to talk to two bullies to get them to leave me alone--I even ID'ed them from a yearbook to make it easy. He never did a thing. I ended up having to take a circuitous route through the school, nearly making myself late for class, just to avoid them every day.

* And need I even start to mention the countless people who promised writing help and never bothered showing up for so much as two chapters...?

And there are other times I just can't remember right now, or don't want to mention. -_- People offering to help with this SSI thing left and right, but in the end, I'm alone in this, and have no idea what to do. I'm simply too humiliated to bother asking anymore. Even Ma is too busy to really deal with it. We have just over 40 days left but I do not think a single thing of any use will get done. I feel like an idiot for even bothering. Nothing is ever worth trying.

I stare even at uncomplicated words and all I can do is panic that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I probably could have filled out that page, but I'm just so afraid of messing everything up that I can't do a thing--I can't understand a word. And this request for a hearing...I may as well just tear the stupid printout up. Like it'll ever even get started. I need somebody to speak for me and there's nobody around. They've left a total idiot to do a job on her own.

I just wish I could wander off into the snow and vanish...just disappear...that thought is a lot more comforting than the thought of facing another year, ten years, thirty years like this. I do not envision life ever changing, ever getting better. I will never fall in love, have a family, have a job, have anything resembling a normal life...by now I won't even do anything that matters, or that makes me happy...even writing is useless now. I can't stand this thought that this is all there will ever be, and chances are it's just going to keep getting worse. It hurts, thinking of living, now.

When I first got the rejection in the mail, I told Ma I wished she had aborted me. That was no joke. It's true. I've been wishing that for years. I just never told anyone, because they always think I'm trying to get sympathy. But it's true. I went in my room and couldn't stop crying. I stared at that X-acto knife so hard...and just wished that I could DO it because I hate that I'm stuck here and it NEVER CHANGES. I could at least have the strength to end it, if it's not going to end itself.

I'm terrified of dying, yes. But the thought of another thirty years of this, even another five years...that's almost unbearable. I'm terrified of LIVING any longer.

And I can't even figure it out through the next FORTY DAYS to at least find some way to help my parents, if I'm going to be forced to live another ten years. -_-