02-27-06 @ 9:57 am EST

I start work on Escape From Manitou Island: Part 100 today.

I just wish it meant something. Considering that only one person has shown any interest in commenting on Part 1, and no one has been interested in it beyond that. -_-

Part 100 used to mean something...now it just means I'm wasting all my time on utter crap. Part 100 feels like my birthday now--another date that should mean an accomplishment of some sort, but just means that I've wasted another year.

That's all any of me is anymore is waste.

I just e-mailed a disability lawyer in Petoskey...the only one nearby...I just know he's going to turn me down. -_- I haven't even a clue how to address a lawyer. I probably said everything all wrong. I mentioned our poor finances regarding payment. I won't be able to read the response if there is one. "Sorry..." It will just be a repeat of when SSI sent the rejection notice. I don't think I can handle another one of those. I really, honestly wanted to end it right then...if I wasn't such a coward I would have. Finding out that not only yourself, but people all around you consider you not worth their time as well, hurts beyond any voice in my head constantly screaming, "USELESS!"

(That was the only thing I could keep hearing and saying when they turned me down...USELESS...USELESS...USELESS...I shouldn't even have sent that mail. I only did because Ma wasn't doing it. A lot of good it will do anyway.)

It's freezing in here and my shirt is soaked through with sweat. I didn't even notice that until now.