03-29-06 @ 2:58 am EST

I'm so tired of feeling this way every day. I'm so sick of being the person I am now. I've always been anxious but there was a time when I wasn't always so unhappy, when I actually believed in myself a little and had hope for things. Why don't I ever feel that way anymore? -_-

Why am I meant to be this person? This person who, even though I have utterly no use here, is just doomed to live? If there's never going to be an end to this pain, then why can't there be an end to my existence? I benefit nobody. In fact, I always seem to bother people, even if they don't say it. And nothing seems to benefit me much anymore. Protestations of caring just seem to ring hollow. I don't even want empty sympathy, or near-strangers insisting that I can turn to them. All I ever wanted was one friend I could turn to no matter what and who would turn to me. I don't want more people to randomly chitchat with about things of little consequence. I wanted somebody who cared about me and what I do, and I cared about them and what they do, and we could spend hours talking or writing about things that would bore everyone else but would mean the world to us. I can't seem to find anyone like that, anywhere. Mya was once like that. But even she changed, moved on, and stopped caring eventually.

I'm so used to keeping things to myself that no matter how sincere somebody might seem in asking me to open up, I barely can anymore. I've just grown too heartsick of trying, and barely ever finding anyone there. I have to compartmentalize myself, just to keep the boring parts of myself away from the people who don't care about them, so I'm always hiding something.

I have to watch everything I say lest I bore everyone off, hence I say practically nothing, not even in my own journal anymore. Not even on paper where nobody but me can see it. I used to have so many grand dreams for the things I created, even if it was only to show them off to others...now I can't even talk about them to myself. It feels too stupid, blathering on about something nobody else will ever care about.

I don't understand why so many people insist I am a good person, yet most of them are never anyone who cares about me otherwise. I appreciate their concern, but they aren't people who care about what I care about, who are there when I'm sad AND when I'm happy, who I can turn to and blather for page after page about the latest thing I'm thinking about. If I am so good, then why does nobody ever stay? Why am I always alone? Why does everything I do mean nothing? If I am such a good person, then why do I always feel so awful?

If I'm in reality as awful a person as I seem to be then why am I here? Why do I stay? I pray every day to find my purpose, and if I have none, then please just take me away from here, because not only am I tired of inconveniencing everyone, but I'm even more tired of simply existing. I'm tired of living every day feeling like a walking open wound. Much less one that will simply never heal. I'm just so tired. -_-

I hear songs, see commercials, where people look up, or wake up, and find that the shadows have all faded away from them, and it's bright out again, and it feels just like a new start, and things feel worth it again. And it makes me cry even harder. Why can't I have a day like that? Why can't I ever wake up someday and everything will be better? I know things won't fix themselves--none of those people who don't care about me will suddenly be there for me--but why can't I at least move on, find hope in something else? Now that I know I can't rely on people to be there for me, why can't I at least rely on myself, take comfort in something else? Why can't I find meaning in anything anymore? Why can't this wound close and finally heal? Why can't I wake up one day and find that my life is a real life again?

I've been hurting for so long now--over a year--if not even longer, since I've just been sliding downhill my entire life--like I've been dying since the day I was born--that I don't even know what it is to be truly happy anymore. I don't even know if I've EVER known this feeling. Have I? I can't even say. Nothing that ever made me happy ever lasted, so maybe I've been fooling myself all along? Even Mya didn't last long. I'm even afraid of hope now, because I'm so tired of it always being taken away from me, and of bad things always taking its place, and of always hurting even worse once it's gone for good. I'm afraid of stupidly thinking that maybe something good will come back to me, then sitting and dying a bit more each day, as I slowly realize that it never will. I'm tired of growing more and more hateful and bitter every day. I don't want to be this person. I used to try to be considerate, and caring, and open to others, and friendly...but little by little that's faded away...now I'm selfish, spiteful, bitter, and resentful...names I see online which I used to love hearing from, I now hate, and want to obliterate completely. And I've become angry and afraid of ever accepting any new names that step forward lest they do the exact same thing, which they inevitably do. I have no fond memories of old friends who just faded sweetly from my life. I have bitter, hateful memories of false "friends" who left me hanging and abruptly vanished from my life. I don't have even good memories to turn to when I'm alone and hurting like this, because by now, EVERYTHING hurts.