04-05-06 @ 10:05 am EDT

This entire thing was an utter waste. I hate that I honestly thought I had any chance of it working. All I've done is make it worse. That's all I ever do anymore.

I have no one left to ask/talk to about it so I posted in an anxiety forum. I hate going there. There's a lady there who once tried "befriending" me out of pity but it didn't work because I don't care to make smalltalk with people who have nothing in common with me and just pity me. So I feel like shit going there. But I did. A couple of people sent replies offering to help though of course I don't believe them. No one ever has time.

But with what they said it doesn't matter anyway because there's practically no reason left to help me. What they said contradicts what I've been told so far. Basically, I shouldn't have bothered with a lawyer because he won't help me (and they're probably right, I have no evidence and no case as it is), and I stand virtually no chance of winning. Just because I have no money to begin with.

They and the lawyer suggested that I schedule therapy at the community mental health center (an hour's drive from here, thus an inconvenience for my mother, who works every day--she doesn't even have time to schedule it yet). The only way for me to get any sort of evidence before they schedule my appeal hearing (which has already been requested, meaning I'm on a deadline). I have no insurance. They all mentioned "low payment plans" "based on what you can afford" as if that's meant to comfort me. It doesn't.

I HAVE nothing I can afford. I make NO money. All I have is what DAD gives me--"allowance"--and as it is, truthfully, he shouldn't even be giving me THAT. That's what I use to pay for my online activities (upgrading to post my writing at WC, the occasional item from eBay). Sometimes it has to go toward paying a bill. And it's $10 a week. Therapy is meant to be a weekly thing. I remember that, back in high school when I WAS insured, we STILL had to pay $50 a week to see my PSYCHOLOGIST. I don't even know about my psychiatrist or the MEDS I took. Surely those cost more. And back then, we didn't have things like a dying furnace, dying fridge, dying plumbing, dying electrical wiring, dying cars (new muffler just yesterday), and 50% higher GAS BILLS to contend with. Even if I did use my allowance, which I don't even EARN, $10 a week would NEVER cut it on even the cheapest payment plan. Without my parents' aid, I am honestly homeless, moneyless, and have NOTHING. I didn't even realize this until I learned that, since I'm an adult, they are not my legal guardians; they just take care of me. I'm virtually a nobody in the world, the same as somebody sleeping on a subway grate, except I happen to have a house to sleep in and food to eat. Yet the house and the food are just the handouts of my parents. Without them, I am literally destitute.

Ma and Dad would have to pay for this treatment out of pocket.

In short, they would have to pay a lot of money for me to get therapy, to prove I'm disabled, which isn't even guaranteed, because you're not disabled if you're "just shy" ("sometimes anxious," as SSA put it) and even your parents don't believe you and your old therapists never diagnosed it. Ma and Dad would have to pay a lot of money for the SLIGHT POSSIBILITY (virtually none) of me GETTING money.

And even if I did win...which I won't...that disability money would likely have to be used just to pay for the therapy so Ma and Dad wouldn't have to pay for it. We would be no better off than we are now. Probably even worse. Because I'm not going to get better even WITH therapy. I had therapy before. It didn't do jack shit for me. All it did was make me form a connection to a therapist who I could never see again, and learn that she only cared because she was paid to. And nowadays (even back then), all they do is ask you how you're feeling, check your blood pressure, and stick you on meds and send you home where you can feel shitty the rest of the week by yourself, because you don't dare call them up any other time, no matter how lousy you feel, lest you end up paying even MORE money you just can't afford.

"Don't be discouraged"..."Keep fighting," people keep telling me.

Why? All I've done is made it worse. I didn't think it was possible, but I did. The only reason I bothered trying in the first damn place was to help Ma and Dad fix the house, and pay the bills, and pay for my upkeep so they wouldn't have to. I never even bothered with the thought of spending it to help ME get treatment, because that's a lost cause and as long as I'm a burden on them, I'll never feel better anyway.

But all I've done is make it harder on them. People think I'm foolish and lazy and a coward for never trying anything? Well, take a look what happened, now that I tried. I ruined it, AGAIN.