04-11-06 @ 11:04 am EDT

I am through asking for help from people online.

People are so fucking eager to offer help. They are so fucking eager to say they will do ANYTHING they can to help. But whenever it turns out that I can't take HUGE ENOUGH STEPS after like two or three fucking e-mails, all of a sudden, I'm so LAZY and WHINY and everything that happens to me is my fucking fault for NOT TRYING hard enough.

It's not like I ever told anybody I can go out and do AMAZING THINGS on my fucking own. I say from the start that I NEED HELP, not just a pat on the shoulder before somebody GIVES UP.

Two people offered me help from the Yahoo! Group I posted in because I had nobody else to ask. I went there only because I was desperate. I hated going there. Every fucking time I asked for help in the past, it ALWAYS boiled down to "Figure it out on your own."

Two people offered me help this time. Both promised to do EVERYTHING THEY COULD to help me.

One lasted two lousy e-mails before apparently giving up.

The other one sent me a reply last night that basically boiled down to (in flowery language) "Well, you're not a baby anymore, quit relying on everyone, do it for yourself. Only you can make you happy."

Oh? THEN HOW COME I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY, FUCKING BITCH?

I'm FUCKING TIRED of people INSISTING that all I have to do is TRY HARDER, TRY HARDER, TRY HARDER, DO IT ALL ON MY OWN and happiness will fall in my lap. I HAVE BEEN TRYING MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!! Do people REALLY think I just SIT here saying, "Woe is me" and NEVER do a fucking thing? I never got to tell her that *I* actually had to make that call to schedule the appointment which we won't even be able to PAY for because like every other bitch before her she assumed I DON'T EVER TRY ANYTHING.

I typed up an entire e-mail of ALL THE FUCKING THINGS I HAVE *TRIED* WHICH NEVER WORKED OUT...but she will never see it.

I'm SO FUCKING SORRY I'm not as well off as you or anyone else! I'm SO FUCKING SORRY that I CAN'T DO THINGS ALONE! I'm SO FUCKING SORRY that neither you nor ANYONE ELSE believes me!

I TRY all the fucking time! I try little things because I can't do the big things. And guess what? THEY ALWAYS FUCKING FAIL.

But NO, according to EVERY FUCKING PERSON OUT THERE, I'm just not TRYING HARD ENOUGH.

I sent her a short mail because it wasn't worth the response I had in me. Her mail hurt me so much I cried all night. She had promised to help me no matter what. PROMISED TO HELP. What I NEED is someone who can hold my hand through this, put up with my whining (oh, she sure said I wasn't whining, but her last mail made it fucking clear what she thought!), and not tell me to just FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN. I need somebody to be THERE FOR ME EVERY FUCKING STEP OF THE WAY. I even said that in my posting. I'm SO SORRY that I'm not strong enough to do anything on my own. But not everybody is. I said this upfront. She STILL promised to help. Then, after three mails when it turns out I'm not going to just gee, snap right out of it, she unloads this SHIT all over me. In one mail she says I'm actually giving her life purpose because she's been depressed and it's helping her to help me. In the very next, she's telling me to stop feeling so depressed and TAKE A WALK or STOP RELYING ON MY PARENTS because whatever will I do when they die and can't support me anymore--?

I PLAN TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF WHEN THAT DAY COMES, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. Not that you'll ever hear of this. I sent her a short reply saying basically that I thought it would be best if I stopped e-mailing before I got more bothersome, thank you anyway. Then, offline, in case she replied with an apology or a question or anything, I spent ALL FUCKING NIGHT pouring my guts out in an e-mail which I felt I probably wouldn't get to send, but I wanted to explain my side anyway, how I AM fucking trying, how just LIVING is getting too hard to bother trying, but nobody seems to notice how I try because what I try just isn't IMPRESSIVE enough for them.

Because I'm not OUT THERE DOING THINGS ON MY OWN I guess NONE of my attempts at trying mean JACK SHIT.

Of course, the OTHER person must ALWAYS have the last word, and it ALWAYS hurts me. The bitch replied to say:

"I guess my last e-mail struck close to the truth. It's your loss, not mine."

FUCK YOU. FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. I am SO FUCKING SORRY I BELIEVED YOU AND BOTHERED!

Every single time I ask for help, it always turns into this. EVERYBODY gives up on me. Most don't even last two or three e-mails before deciding I'm just not worth the trouble. I know I'm negative. I know I'm whiny. I know I ask a lot. I know I want to give up. But I keep fucking trying. I need somebody THERE for me. I need somebody who, when they SAY they're going to help, THEY HELP ME. Not just by sending me three mails and then basically saying, "Well, stop whining and do it on your own." That is what EVERYBODY ends up doing and because of it, I'm crying again, I feel like shit again, and again...I can't even say it anymore. YET AGAIN, I wish I had not bothered, and I wish I were dead RIGHT NOW because it's just not worth it anymore. Everybody says so. Everybody says I don't try hard enough. Yet I've been trying as hard as I can this whole time. Nobody believes me. I guess that means I'm useless and NOTHING I ever try will ever be fucking GOOD ENOUGH.

I give up asking anyone for help. Nobody ever means it. Nobody will ever FUCKING care enough.

You know why I don't consider life worth living and things worth trying anymore?

Because nobody considers ME worth the trouble anymore.

FUCK all of them.