05-09-06 @ 8:34 am EDT

Not proofed.

-_- Still lonely. I feel utterly STUPID even hanging out on WC daily, updating items in the hopes of luring in readers. All of my return readers are long gone, and my writing there hasn't had new return readers in years. I've been a member there for five years, and am one of the top thirty most-viewed authors, but it doesn't matter. No one cares. Not for my long writing, not for my short writing, not for my 13+ writing or my adult writing. I feel like an immense fool for ever hoping that I could ever accomplish anything with my writing, even if it was only to entertain people. By now, all I have to go on to know that anyone might actually be reading anything of mine is the one or two occasional new hits to my site at GeoCities. At least there, it's likely that people clicked fully knowing what they were in for. All those hits at WC are likely just mistakes, seeing as none of the people behind them care to stick around long.

Why did I ever think I could make any difference? -_-

I had to see the psychiatrist yesterday...she apparently comes in monthly since our city has none of its own. I didn't feel as shitty as I have the past two times, but I was still anxious and did still cry a few times. She ran a little late. :( And like always, I have no clue what she looked like...so much for making eye contact. -_- I don't even really feel like summarizing all this...I feel so exhausted and listless. Probably from missing some sleep...though since she put me on medication -_- , I'm probably now going to think that every single little strange feeling is a side effect.

Anyway...I can't even remember well. Lots of questions. Nothing terribly specific. A lot of the things she asked, I found myself ID'ing the associated mental disorder in my head.

* Do I hear voices? (schizophrenia)
* Do I feel I can read people's thoughts? (ditto)
* Do I ever have elevated mood? (bipolar disorder/mania)
* Do I have panic attacks? (panic disorder)
* Do I have trouble throwing things away? (OCD)
* Do I ever cut or burn myself? (borderline personality disorder)
* Do I ever have racing thoughts? (ADHD or mania)

etc. etc....in addition to the obvious ones...depression and social anxiety...

I notice that whenever I'm asked about my OCD, I always downplay it and forget most of what I do. :/ I always remember my hairwashing/styling compulsions, and my obsessional worrying, but the rest always slips my mind and I never care to talk about it. No matter how bothersome it is, I'm just used to it. I forgot about my sleeping and bathroom rituals (not that I'd discuss that anyway), all the little rituals I do all day without thinking just because I always do them, my hoarding, my taping rituals...I have more but yet again, I've forgotten them. I'm just so used to them that they constantly slip my mind. Oh yeah. My need to know EXACTLY what to expect ahead of time. That's a big one for me. Though in truth, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to plan for every contingency. It's my parents and other people I think are strange, doing things without planning or just shrugging and saying whatever will happen will happen, deal with it when it comes. How the hell can people be like that?

I feel weak and shaky now. This stupid thing is turning me into a hypochondriac. -_-

Cripes, I can't summarize this well, just a lot of questions. Some focusing more on depression and anxiety of course, symptoms of those. Lots of repeat questions ("Do you ever have thoughts of suicide? Did anything happen in your childhood?"), even a few of the same ones the SSA guy asked me ("What does 'The grass is always greener on the other side' mean? Remember these three things as we talk, then repeat them back. (Pencil, train, ball.) Count backwards from 100, subtracting seven each time." -_- I only got to 93! So she had me count backwards from 20, subtracting three...)

I felt very uneasy when I told her that I did not feel I had been properly diagnosed in the first place. Like, how would I know? She asked me if I felt the diagnosis of OCD was wrong and I said no, but I felt it wasn't my REAL problem. "What do you feel your real problem is?" she asked >_< and I of course mumbled, "Social anxiety."

Now I really feel I KNOW what is wrong with me, for the most part. I read about these things and they strike a chord. BUT...I'm not a professional. And the mere fact that I've read enough to know/recognize clinical terms and definitions makes me worry that I'll be accused of lying, or, at best, being a hypochondriac. "Oh God, one of THOSE people who read something on the Internet and all of a sudden they think they're a doctor." (This figures in my writing (I know, sorry to bring it up), with my character Detective Kristeva; he's a ritual abuse survivor, but he repressed the memories and went into work...investigating ritual crime! So of course he did a lot of reading on the subject...and so when it started to come out that HE went through that, there was this conundrum of, what if he just imagined it all from his reading...?) All this time, I've merely been telling them (truthfully) that I'm afraid of people criticizing me, and of having to interact with them or looking stupid in front of them--I've never used clinical terms like SOCIAL ANXIETY, I've left that to them. In truth, I also suspect I'm borderline, but I'm sure as hell not going to go in with a Chinese menu of disorders and start picking from Column A and Column B. The last thing I need is MORE people thinking I just need to get over it. -_-

I worried about this with her. I can't remember what she asked to prompt it, but (staring at the floor as always) I answered in a barely intelligible voice, "I'm worried that you're going to think I'm lying." I know clinical terms--it's obvious I've looked this stuff up--she knows I was in there for a disability appeal--what better reason to lie?

"I don't think you're lying," she said. "Do you know what I find interesting?" She resituated herself in her chair. (She kept pulling her feet out of her sandals and putting them back in, I noticed. o_o ) "A lot of people I get in here, I feel like they are lying, or exaggerating. But I don't feel that from you. I feel like this is really something that's been troubling you for a long time now."

I don't know. She probably would say that to everybody. -_- Numerous times she asked things and I could only give general answers, to which she'd say, "Could you give some more detail?" and I always SUCKED for some reason. It's hard to explain feelings and beliefs. For example, when I said that I just didn't believe anyone anymore when they promised help, because so far that had always been right, she said, "Even your parents?" :( How do I answer that? I know they CARE, but at the same time I really get the feeling they just don't UNDERSTAND, thus often unwittingly minimize my problems. Not out of spite, but just because my fear is such that they CAN'T COMPREHEND it being so bad, so they tell me to get over it. Even recently, Ma told me to "just call" Dianne, and I practically screamed that I COULDN'T...not that long after I'd told her that I couldn't. When something goes wrong and I worry, Dad often gets pissed off and tells me to knock it off...something which I just can't do. Hence, they come across as being "unhelpful." Even though I KNOW they mean nothing cruel by it. They just don't know how it feels to be so afraid of EVERYTHING. It's easy to dismiss something if you've never experienced it. For example, I honestly can't comprehend how THEY can brush things off or not worry about things! It's utterly foreign to me to be like that...thus easy for me to write it off.

So even while I felt my parents weren't always helpful, I had no idea how to concretely answer because a lot of my issues are more FEELINGS than actual ACTIONS. My parents have NEVER said that I'm a burden on them, or a disappointment. In fact they've said otherwise. But my FEELING is that I burden them, and I've disappointed them. How would I not? But how do you "give more detail" when all you have is your own personal belief that it's so...?

I feel I irritated her with all the times she had to prompt me for more detail and all I could give were clunky or vague answers. -_- There were awkward silences, just like with Dr. C. I don't seem to warm to psychiatrists well. For the best, though.

Finally the subject turned to medication again, since, as she bluntly put it, that's her role here...she started to nudge me toward Prozac again (they still make that??), but I told her I can't pay for meds. Any insurance, she asked? No, I said. "Well, then we should try you on something that we have samples of," she said, and left to get something. She returned with some little boxes and there was a flurry of paper signing--I wondered if maybe she was a little ADD, herself o_o --and apparently I'm to take 10mg a day for a week, then 20...I have no clue after that. I don't understand how "samples" work--surely they don't keep giving you free samples? Drug companies make no money that way...this is the main reason why I wanted no meds, I could never afford them.

I have to go get my blood drawn, before which I have to FAST for TWELVE HOURS!...not even a drink of water! -_- I could probably go twelve hours without eating...I'd feel sick, but whatever...maybe I'll have a vision and get a manitou or something...not having any tea is a trial, because my head will start killing me, and I won't even be able to take aspirin...but NO WATER?? How can WATER mess up blood results?? I really don't think I'll be able to handle that! -_-

Ma also mentioned a PHYSICAL -_- but I don't remember the psychiatrist mentioning one! I even asked what the "lab" implied and she said just a blood drawing...I REALLY don't want to be naked! -_-

I don't get why they put me on the meds (Lexapro...never heard of it), THEN test my blood for any physical problems I may have? Isn't that kind of backwards...? :/ It looks like its main adverse reactions are in combination with stimulants...I told her I daily take diphenhydramine to sleep (I know it's not good, but I never get to sleep otherwise), and she didn't bring that up, so I guess it shouldn't react...the fact sheet mentions stimulants (of which I take none), medications with stimulants like cold medicine (well, every cold medicine I've ever taken has KNOCKED ME OUT, so I doubt those are stimulants!), and caffeine (SHIT!), but then said not to drink MORE THAN the equivalent of three cups of coffee or three eight-ounce caffeinated sodas a day...and I hate coffee and pop, and just drink tea, and probably not enough to equal three cups of coffee, so I guess I'm safe. What will happen if I'm wrong? I'll probably just shake like a leaf or not be able to focus on anything, which is nothing much new, so...

I just hope it doesn't make me all listless and restless, awake and bored beyond belief but not feeling like doing ANYTHING...when I'm depressed and crying that feels like the worst feeling ever, yet when I'm mildly "sober," I can't decide which is worse. I really HATE being so bored yet not invested in anything. Unfortunately, I've been feeling that way about my writing lately... -_- It's a struggle now just to write 10kb a day, especially seeing as it serves no purpose...

Not long before the session ended (before receiving the meds), she asked if it would be okay to speak with my mother and if I'd like to be present or not. I opted to wait in the waiting room; I don't want to hear what Ma thinks of me. -_- But I'm betting she said some variant of "She thinks the world is out to get her!" Which is true in a way...just not in the paranoid-schizophrenic-the-walls-have-eyes way...

While in the waiting room, I heard a guy come in and ask someone if she had time to see him. She said no, she was too busy. It was my new psychologist. For the rest of the time that I sat huddled in the waiting room, the two of them haggled over when he could most conveniently see her. "I'm good for Wednesday or Thursday, better for Thursday, unless you have something really early on Friday, like eight or so." "How about Wednesday at two?" "Oh, no, that's not good. Poker." (I think that's what he said. o_o ) "I think I have Thursday at one open." "Oh, that'd be great!" "Oh...no, that's full...how about I call you if I get a cancellation...?"

I hoped she didn't see me. -_- But now you see why it's so ludicrous that she asked about my writing? She's so overworked as it is! My problem is, when people show interest in me, I tend to CLING to them and demand a lot of attention they just can't give. I'm just so desperate for it. Then when they of course can't deliver, I hate them. For getting my hopes up. I just need too much that people can't give, and every time this happens I get even MORE spiteful and distrusting. Hence, by now, it's just easier NOT to get close to people, and NOT to open up, because even the most well-meaning person will get tired of all I ask for, or will never be able to meet my demands, and then I'll end up hurt and hating them too. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, then getting let down, then getting bitched out over it or else ignored. It hurts to keep things inside but I can't stress how AGONIZING it is to feel that FINALLY you have found someone you can open up to, then to discover all too soon that they won't be there for you either. I just have too big of a gaping void in me, and nobody can ever come close to filling it.

This is what scares me most in TRYING to open up to people, which I've thankfully just about given up. Dianne wrote to me via snail mail recently, I replied, then in her second mail she shared something she feared would drive me off. I have no problem with it. I have no problem with her knowing I have problems and I live at home etc. etc. I'm humiliated and fearful, though, expressing just how DEEP those problems are. Everyone I've tried to befriend has ended up turning away, indicating a flaw in my character, and the people who have bothered replying point out that I'm too needy, I ask too much, I'm selfish. They had no reason to lie then. So of course, when people assure me that I can open up to them, and lean on them, and be myself with them, you can see why I just can't. Because it's obvious no one who assures such things knows just how DEEP this hopelessness runs. Experience has taught me. If I were to open up, lean on them, be my full self, I would either break them, or they would more likely flee before I could. There's simply no one strong enough to support this black hole weighing me down. I've scared off everyone else sharing just a tiny bit of myself. NO ONE would be able to handle the whole me.

I admit -_- I'd entertained a few vague fantasies of sharing my writing with the psychologist, even before she brought that up...her exchange with the guy in the waiting room quickly set me straight. I can never be satisfied sharing just tiny bits of myself. Hence to share that with her would be foolish, and I'd grow to resent her too. After the last session I poured myself out in five typed pages I intended to give her to read after the next session so she would understand why I just can't open up and share such things anymore. Then I trashed it and wrote a one-page version. Still longwinded, but at least it isn't five pages. I can't explain aloud why it is that I can't speak up even when I want to and the other party is clamoring for me to. So maybe I can just give her that. If I have the guts.

Probably another bad idea, as always. -_- I hate taking up even that much of her time...

Left and right, these people tell me I can turn to them when I need someone, I can reach out and they will try to help me as best they can. But when you have an overcrowded schedule and dozens of other people in line, and your personal life in addition, to deal with, how can that be so? It can't. I reached out to the system once in the past and never heard back. I've reached out lots of other times and regretted every one. People think I'm paranoid and spiteful (well, I am) and ungrateful because I ignore their offers (I do see them, I just can't reply anymore), and I don't blame them, I would feel the same; but I know no other way to be. It's lonely, but at least it's safer, not accepting any more offers or reaching out. Sure, I miss opportunities, but it's not like I believe any of them would ever go anywhere anyway. You can't miss out on what people really can't offer.

My next appointment (with the psychologist) is on Friday...cripes I wish I could see these people in the morning so I could get some sleep... -_- I guess I'll skip sleeping Friday. *sigh* Hopefully I can work up the courage to pass her that letter, though knowing me...

Rather stupid to be in therapy when you no longer feel like opening up, isn't it...?