05-23-06 @ 8:34 am EDT

Don't feel much like writing this up today...it's hard to try to remember all that goes into these, so I might end up summarizing more than anything.

Firstly, my "nurse assessment" or whatever--I guess to determine whether I should keep taking the Lexapro or not--was cancelled because the lady was sick, so that had to be rescheduled for Thursday, I think. More sleep to be lost. I was in a moderately okay mood when I was called in, and the psychologist commented on this when she said, "I notice you're looking up more today, that's good"--though as soon as she said that I of course felt embarrassed and ducked my head. I think I commented on this before, how it's easier for me to come CLOSER to making eye contact when I'm in a good mood, but the lousier I feel, the lower my head goes. I hadn't been making eye contact or even looking at her head but I was kind of glancing off toward her middle rather than at the floor, at first.

We briefly went over the list we'd made with the things on it that I'm supposed to try to do...at some point she mentioned how the more often you do things, the easier they supposedly get, and that has its merits but I'm proof that it doesn't always pan out that way. About the only thing on the list that I regularly do is e-mail people--and I've been doing that for years, yet it's still terribly difficult, there are still a lot of times I neglect doing it, and in fact it's even gotten HARDER as time's gone on. I didn't argue this point with her but it made me want to distance myself because this is what the (outgoing) people around me have been claiming for years, just keep doing these things and I'll get used to them; well look, it's not working that way. No matter how many times I do these things, they never get easier.

I think she wants me to try to order my own dinner when we go shopping this Friday. -_- Even if I do that it's a far cry from holding a conversation with anyone. She asked if I'd added anything to the list; I wasn't aware I was supposed to. So I mentioned a few IM's I answered on a site I used to belong to and just rejoined for whatever stupid reason, AncientWorlds. She said that was good (because I loathe IM's and other forms of instant communication), though I didn't feel good about it, I was just basically saying thank you to a couple of people who were gushing "WELCOME!" and "Hit me up for help if you need it!"...uh-huh, whatever, you people with a hundred friends and stuff, I know you send the exact same messages to everybody. I just forced a kind of flat mechanical "Thank you for the information" to them; they probably think I'm a snot. I never did answer the e-mail one sent me. Oh well, who cares; they won't notice.

I can't remember all we talked about but most of it centered on online friends, and my writing. She got to asking if I would ever want to meet any of the people I e-mail and I basically said no. I no longer want to. She said that online friends are a start, but eventually you have to go further than that; and in a way I agree, since online communication just isn't the same as real life. (I never mentioned how I think it's just STUPID to meet people from online, due to the possibility of stalkers and murderers and stuff, or of how most of the people I've communicated with aren't even in the US; didn't matter.) She asked if I'd ever thought of doing that, and I used to, but the answer is now no. I pretty much told her that I don't expect any of these people I communicate with to be there for me for long, and it's true. I don't trust or believe in anyone anymore. And I'm just tired of getting my hopes up.

I think she got the impression that I cut people off prematurely, and I know I do this in ways, but IMO people wouldn't LET themselves be cut off if they REALLY meant it. It's not like I flat-out say to people, "F**k off and leave me alone." If I don't come across as the most enthusiastic friendly person, that's only because I USED to be that way, and over and over and over again, it never worked out--and not because of ME. She asked for examples of the times I'd been left hanging by people I was SO SURE would never do that and I briefly described how it went with P. and II, and mentioned how those had been only two of many. She seemed to be hinting at how it sounds like I don't even give people chances anymore, which is true in a way, but that's no fault of mine--everybody ELSE decides not to give me a chance after they say they will. And I'm simply tired of it. I mentioned all the different things I TRIED to be as good a friend as I could (and yes, she brought up focusing on the other person--tried that too), and how not a single one worked. She seems to be of the mind that all the crap that's happened before is no indicator of what might happen in the future, but IMO it is. For years I held onto hope in potentials and things that MIGHT come true. Time after time after time of that being proven wrong tends to wear down one's desire to keep believing and hoping that maybe someday it'll be different. Yeah, maybe there's a needle somewhere in that barn full of hay. But to me it's just not worth sifting through millions of pieces of hay just to find it when it might have slipped through a crack somewhere and disappeared--or maybe when it's not even in that barn at all.

She mentioned how all friendships eventually end, but I don't believe that. Almost everybody I know has at least one person they can count on and have been able to count on for years, if not their whole life. Me? The longest lasted five years and then decided to totally ignore me. I don't think I got it through to her that it's mostly not been a matter of my "friendships" fading, but of people just deciding, out of the blue, to IGNORE me like I no longer exist. I told of how this happened in real life as well.

"What about the time when you WERE friends with these people, did you get any goodness out of that?" she asked.

"All I feel about it now is angry," I murmured in response. "I'd rather we'd not been friends at all." And it's true. If this is how it's ALWAYS going to end up, then screw it, I don't want to bother anymore.

"But if you don't try, don't you feel you miss out on a lot more than if you had tried and failed...?"

"No. At least before I tried I had hope that I could matter to somebody. Now I know I don't."

Perhaps puzzled, she brought up the quote "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"--I knew she was going to. And I promptly replied, "I don't believe that." Because I don't and I never have. She mentioned several times how in these cases, online, the problem is likely almost always on the other party's end and I have no real way of knowing what's going on in their lives, BUT, I've heard that excuse a million times; and all I can say with certainty is that I see these people making and keeping friends and having all sorts of time for all sorts of OTHER people, just not for ME. And that rather tells me that either the problem is on MY end, or nobody I befriend will ever care about me for long, and either way, it wasn't worth bothering to try.

She asked if I'd had hopes that I could make friends, and get closer to people, and I said, once I did; but not anymore.

And it's true. I'm tired of making friends and getting close to people. It's not worth the trouble.

This entire session, I'd been holding both the list and Part 1 of Escape From Manitou Island in my hands. I was beginning to feel she would not ask for it, and I would then feel even stupider, but perhaps it would be for the best. It's not like she'll like it. Somewhere along the way she got back to my writing and Charmian again. I wonder why she brings her up so often? Does she feel that I identify with her? I can't say if I do or not. Who cares.

"Is Charmian afraid of anything?"

"Failing."

"I take it that she's trying to do something...is she trying to save somebody?"

"A place."

"Does this place have a name?"

*feeling very stupid* "Manitou Island."

She misheard me. "Anitou Island--?"

I said it more clearly. I think she wrote it down.

"And this place has a lot of people on it too, who she's trying to help...?"

*nodding*

"Does she ever fail?"

I had to think over that one. "She messes up smaller things sometimes, but she doesn't fail on the big things." And it's true. Happy endings, remember. Charmian is not me. I know she was trying to compare us, because I mentioned sometime during the session that no matter what I try I always fail even at the little things so what's the point in trying bigger things. Why compare us? Charmian's fiction and of course things go better in fiction--because it's FAKE. Things like that don't happen in real life. Not to me, at least. If she thinks I can take inspiration from my own characters, then she's wrong, because I know the difference between real and fake.

She at last asked if I would consider bringing in something for her to read...I cringed and it seemed to take me ages just to hand her the printout. She seemed surprised that I had it on me...she'd asked last time that I bring it, so I'm not sure why. I mentioned how it was longer than I'd calculated before, and I was sorry, and she didn't have to read it; at least I managed to get that out. She said that was all right but she did intend to read it before the next session. Whatever, it will be boring. She's just a therapist, not a reader. At least I also got to mention how this is the third serial and not the very beginning; so it probably won't even make sense to her anyway. She then got into questioning me about what I would like to do with my writing other than post it online. I told her I couldn't think of anything else TO do with it. I mentioned at some point that there's no readership for it and she asked if I felt I'd done EVERYTHING I could to get it out to readers; no, I haven't, but I don't think it matters. I guess she was trying to hint at publication, which I gave up hopes for long long ago. She mentioned self-publication, which I detest, though I didn't say that; just that it's expensive and you have to get out there and promote yourself, and I could never do that. She asked if I'd taken any creative writing courses and how those went; I mentioned the one in college where the teacher hadn't cared for my writing style, though my grades had always been okay. She asked if, if money were no problem, would I be interested in pursuing more courses like that? To which I said, I didn't really see the point; I KNOW how to write, it's just that nobody's INTERESTED in it. She said that she has a friend who's a writing instructor or something...who knows or cares...I just shrugged. She asked if, if she would help me look into things, would I be willing to try to do more with my writing? I shrugged again; I don't hope for such things. I didn't mention the million reasons why my stuff would never be published anyway--too long, no audience, character not of my own creation, copyright endangered by posting it online, etc. etc. etc. Plus the plain fact that it's just crap. Not worth the trouble. She asked if I would bring in more of it and I told her it's just too long. She said maybe a chapter each session, but I didn't mention how, even if we met exactly once a week for two years, she would never get to read it all, that's how long it is so far and it's not even done. I figure, she might read a few chapters and this will be over with and that'll be it, so why bother arguing. I just kept shrugging and going along. Not worth the trouble.

At some point she asked if I would ever do anything aside from writing and I mumbled that I don't know how to do anything else. Would I learn to do something else, she asked? I said I'm just not interested in much else. "But you are interested in writing?" she asked, and I nodded. Not that it matters.

Near the end, she asked, "Do you have any ideas about God?" I thought maybe she'd glanced at the opening of EFMI, where it mentions the Great Spirit, and was asking about that. I nodded and she asked what my thoughts on Him were.

"That He's everywhere."

"Do you feel that He's there for everybody?"

"I feel He's supposed to be, but it doesn't feel like He's there for me." I started crying harder now. I have a lot of grand loving ideas about God, but I'm the exception to each of them. God loves everybody BUT for me...God is there for everybody BUT for me...that's just how it feels, most of the time.

"It is rather hard to feel that way without any proof," she agreed. "But I feel that God is there for each of us, and created each of us with a purpose. Do you feel you have a purpose with your writing, in putting it out there for other people to see...?"

"I used to, but nobody cares."

"But you enjoy it, yourself."

"That doesn't matter. I wanted other people to care about it too."

I think she reiterated attempting to do more with it than just post it online (not that that'll ever happen), and as she shuffled the papers she said, "I have the feeling that you care about your writing very much. Do you feel like you were called to it?" I shrugged and nodded...I used to think so. Remember my brief attempt at hoping that, since my writing meant nothing to people, maybe it could mean something to God? Whatever. "Well, I do feel that He has a purpose for each of us, and maybe this is the purpose you were called to. We'll look into that further."

Not that I hold hope. I now believe it was completely stupid for me to think my writing would mean even a SPECK to God. I also felt uncomfortable because I'm not Christian, and some of my ideas--particularly ones I put into writing--clash very much with Christian belief; I don't know if she is Christian, but it was starting to kind of sound like it. Even though I believe in God and that's what I call Him, I always feel leery when other people mention the G word. (I'd like to just start calling him Gitchi Manitou but I feel I'd be appropriating someone else's culture! I always roll my eyes when white people refer to the "Great Spirit." I guess I have my own prejudices.) I'm glad I never mentioned TAC to her. I almost did once, but now I really do not feel like it. I realize she was likely just trying to find a way to help me put my feelings of uselessness into a greater perspective, but I've had some bad experiences with religion, so whenever it comes up I start to get very uneasy. I felt like distancing myself again right then, and clamming up lest I say too much.

She asked how I was feeling right now and I had no clue what to say! I wasn't even sure WHAT I was feeling. I finally just said, "Embarrassed," because I always feel that way. Why, she asked? Because I felt I was looking stupid. How? Because I kept giving stupid answers to her questions. She said that she didn't find my answers stupid; she hoped I could answer more sometime, but she didn't find me stupid. I don't know, I must come across as very passive-aggressive, at least.

She asked if I could meet her eyes and I did, but again it was just a split-second peek and then I whined and had to lower my head quickly. She looked different from the picture I remember of last time. Again, we can't meet next week because the only opening was in the morning, and Ma can't come in in the morning; so I think it's June 5th. The day before Damien's birthday. She has no idea about Damien. The guy I care about as much as I care about Charmian now. Trying to explain HIS story would be COMPLETELY humiliating. When she asked if I write any other things I said yes, but they weren't "as good." I mentally cringed because that made it seem like I thought my Manitou Island stuff was GOOD. I actually just meant, it's all crap, but that stuff isn't AS crappy as the rest. I didn't mention how I hope to someday rewrite all the stuff that is crap, because there's just too much to go into and why bother. I did tell her sometime in the session that I didn't see the point in making friends when they would leave me hanging eventually. Same applies to therapists; why bother opening up too much? We'll just meet once every week or so for a year, that'll be it, I'm back to sitting stuck in the house every day, no better off than before, the end. Same old thing.

We'd already rescheduled the nurse assessment thing so that was it. Ma was chatting with someone in the waiting room when I came out and I was terrified that maybe it was Dianne and I couldn't even look up at her, but it wasn't, so at least I didn't run into yet another person who knows me there. That appointment is supposed to be on Thursday now. That's the same day I run out of Lexapro. What exactly are they intending to do? Give me more samples? If not, then I really wish they wouldn't have bothered putting me on it in the first place. I've noticed that I don't cry as much, but I still feel lousy. Going back to crying every day AND still feeling lousy...wonderful.