06-06-06 @ 8:15 am EDT

The appointment with the psychologist was cancelled at the last minute. It couldn't be rescheduled for another two weeks, which will make it about a month since I've last seen her. Proving that she doesn't have time for me.

I got the call right as I was finishing printing out the second chapter of EFMI. I won't bother bringing it next time. Waste of ink and paper and time. I know why it was cancelled, too. Because I had been LOOKING FORWARD to it. I had even been wishing, these past two weeks, that it was SOONER. I got two reminders in the mail about the appointment, including one that very morning. And then, sorry, cancelled. You see? Whenever I look forward to something, it's taken away. Stupid of me to let myself do that yet again.

The psychiatrist, on the other hand, hearing that the Lexapro hasn't done much, in addition prescribed Risperdal.

An antipsychotic.

Just because I can't look people in the eyes and I worry about what people think of me.

I had only said that when I look people in the eyes, I feel LIKE they know what I'm thinking. I didn't say that they DO know what I'm thinking. I didn't say that they can READ MY THOUGHTS. In fact, I don't even really KNOW the reason why I can't meet people's eyes. I just feel unsafe, and threatened, and exposed, when I do. Even animals in an inferior position won't look a superior animal in the eyes because it's considered aggression. Why is it so abnormal for ME to not make eye contact? What about that is bad enough to warrant being put on a drug used for SCHIZOPHRENIA?

And like not being able to make eye contact is the BIGGEST f**king problem in my life? Funny, I thought the fact that I can't work, and can't socialize, and can't help pay the bills were MUCH bigger problems than EYE CONTACT.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you don't have a good reason to be. I've always been anxious, but I used to be a lot more trusting. Until every person I trusted proved that I couldn't trust them. After enough times of that happening, I tend to find it NORMAL not to trust anyone anymore. It doesn't mean my thoughts are chemically disturbed. It means people shouldn't be trusted.

The potential side effects of this medication are rare but horrendous. And I have to get another blood test, when the first one cost almost $300. The psychiatrist told me this AFTER, in tears, I'd objected to her prompting me to try another, not-free medication, because I can't stand having my parents pay for these things. So...they think the way to make me feel LESS anxious...is to make my parents pay MORE money...when one of the main reasons why I'm so anxious in the first place is because I can't help us pay our bills...and the only damn reason I sought help in the first place was to get disability to HELP pay those bills? Why can't they get it that, no matter HOW many stupid drugs they put me on, I'm NEVER going to feel any better if my parents are still paying for things we can't afford??

Do they think the reason I never sought help all these years was because I found it FUN to suffer?? I kept it all to myself because I didn't want to burden my PARENTS with the cost!

I thought psychiatry was about helping people to feel better, to feel safer. Ever since starting this, I've only felt worse. And now, I don't trust either of them, so I don't feel safe.

If they wanted me to be paranoid, then congratulations, because yes, now I am. I've been told that there is time for me, then that sorry, no, there's no time. I've been put on the wrong kind of drug for the wrong reason. I've had my REAL reasons for anxiety ignored while they focus on the smallest inconvenience and try curing THAT with a pill. I bothered trying to explain how I'm feeling and what experiences have led up to that and have basically had a bunch of drugs shoveled at me in response. And it feels like every single thing I've said has just been overlooked or ignored in favor of just getting me out the door as quickly as possible. Does it look like I have no legitimate reason to be paranoid now?

I wish I'd never said a word to them in the first place. As always, it would have been better if I'd just kept my mouth shut.