06-11-06 @ 8:31 am EDT

Typed this up yesterday, didn't feel like posting it and still don't. Sorry I haven't responded to anyone, but I don't have much to say anyway. Depressed and lonely today, like always. I'm guessing I'm going to put my last active item on WC, TAC, on hiatus as, now that I've finally finished the years-long rewrite, all of its readers are gone. I shouldn't be surprised, it's only what's happened with all my other work as well. Whenever I start to finally put more effort into things, everyone loses what little interest they had.

What's stupid is it still gets hits but apparently they're mistake clicks since no one cares enough about it to say they read. I guess they won't miss it, seeing as I haven't posted the new material I worked on yet and it's been months since I finished the rewrite. If they wanted to see it they would've said something by now. The ones who did speak up when I stopped posting it on AFF haven't spoken up since finding it elsewhere, so I guess that's it for TAC.

Right along with EFMI and its potential sequel and my Kemet writing and D4D and everything else nobody cared about for long.

Now that I'm devoting all my time to EFMI, the one or two people who bother to read it at GeoCities will disappear as well. No surprise. When I finally had someone comment on my Kemet writing a year or so back, I began working on that again, then they vanished. When people showed more interest in my MI stories, I began working more on those, then they vanished. Ditto with everything else I write. I guess soon I just won't post any of it anymore. I should be used to none of it being noticed, but I guess it will always hurt.

Here's the entry I don't feel like posting but may as well get it out of the way.

* * * * *

Had my blood drawn again yesterday. I didn't pass out. :/ I don't get it. I always pass out.

We showed up at the hospital and checked in, and then made our way to the room where they draw blood; I went inside and stood waiting near the bed rather than the seat, while Ma decided to stay out in the hall. (She didn't need her blood drawn.) After a while a woman came in and Ma said something to her, then said, "Remember us?" The woman looked at her, then at me, then even though I wasn't looking at her face I know she got that "AHA!" look.

"Ooooh yeah!" she exclaimed, then started waving her arms at Ma. "YOU'RE not coming in!" She waved at me. "And YOU get up on the bed!"

_-_ (When I told Dad about this later on, he said they probably have our picture posted there. "Laura & Hardly," he called us.)

The nurse had to leave to get something--smelling salts?--and came back, still exclaiming--"I'm going to be READY, this time!" She asked if she'd ended up taking blood from my hand. :? No, it had been my right arm. I was lying down now and it was very awkward because my posture is such that it felt like I was arching my back when I wasn't; I wanted to put my hand over my eyes but I was using it to hold my shirt down so it wouldn't slide up or something! Plus lying down makes EVERYTHING look bad. -_- As soon as she found out she'd taken blood from my right arm, though, she said I had to turn around. So she pulled off the pillow and set it at the foot of the bed and I had to turn myself around--it's also that time of the month so I was VERY uncomfortable, still am--and had to lie down again. I squinched my eyes shut and gritted my teeth--I was giving the "stupid smile," which I've realized is more of a grimace, and I wanted to cover my face because I have bad teeth and I look stupid, but I had to hold down my shirt. "Look at you, all grimacing and gritting your teeth!" the nurse exclaimed as she readied my arm. I felt the needle and let out a whimpering noise. "It's all done!" she exclaimed, but I'd heard them say that the LAST time, and it was AFTER that that I'd passed out. Well, I waited and...nothing happened. That really WAS it. o_o ? I slowly sat up but she was still half-jokingly, half-seriously insisting that I be careful--"You're not going to pass out? Don't stand up! If you fall I won't catch you before you hit the floor!" But I was fine, that really was it. :/ I was a little bit shaky, is all. She hurriedly pulled out the step stool and I stepped down--"You're sure you can walk fine?"--and with a very awkward smile that was it, Ma and I left. Took only a few minutes. I was kind of disappointed; I was all ready to pass out and everything, and for once I didn't. How stupid.

We went to...whatever it is next...and filled out my application for Medicaid. I'd wanted to do it at home but we didn't understand it so some lady helped us. We need to submit it before this month is out because apparently I can't apply after that. Ma forgot my SS number, though, so we need to get back to them with that. At least that was quick too.

We then went to eat--a friendly handicapped guy named "Rusty" took our tray while Ma was away from the table and I told him thank you a couple of times, since that was nice, nobody ever picks up trays--I thought about how even HE has a job and does useful things, whereas I don't. -_- Then to Dollar Tree (I picked up some more stationery pads I intend to stitch together into journals, gives me something to do) and to Wal-Mart. In there I pulled off the tape and cotton on my arm and DAMMITSHITDAMMIT!! that hurt even more than the needle!! >_<;;; Bought more "sea glass" to make more pendant thingies that I've been making lately, the one pretty-looking thing I've managed to make. I have an album at Yahoo! with pictures of some...there are a lot more but they're not wired yet, and our camera is going funny and acting up lately, another reason to worry. -_- Go to http://photos.yahoo.com/social_phobe and look for the "Pseudo Dichroic Pendants" album to take a peek at some. If the camera decides to WORK and if Ma ever wraps the rest I should add pictures of them too...I need to find the instructions for them for somebody...

I started a "writing log" at LiveJournal in case anyone ever wants to see exactly what it is that I do almost every day. I've been keeping an offline log since October 2004 and have posted all daily entries in a monthly digest; if I can manage to keep it up (I'm pretty sure I ALREADY did this at LJ but I can't seem to find the username or anything) I intend to post this every month. It's my daily totals of what I've read and written for that day, and it tells what I've been working on as well as what mood I happen to be in when updating it. It's obvious from a lot of entries that I feel like crap most of the time. But anyway, that's at http://tehutis-log.livejournal.com/ (I'll update the most recent monthly entry every day, at least, if I remember, with the previous day's update, so the monthly entries will keep updating until they're done. I might occasionally add writing-related posts since I don't blather about writing much anymore in Skew. I just hate blathering about something that's of no interest. I figure, if I keep it in a writing journal, then nobody who comes to read an actual entry for whatever reason has to be subjected to my boring writing blather.)

The cat nearly tore the blinds down this morning. I went to stop him and looked outside to see what had him so riled up. A rabbit was hopping across the yard. It's the first time I've seen a rabbit on our property since 'Bozho and 'Basso used to visit in the winter, and one or both were killed by the stray dog. I hope it decides to start coming more often...and that that stupid dog stays away. I still have a piece of the poor rabbit's (s'?) fur tied up into my pine tree, near where it was killed.

It's cold again here today. :(

When we were leaving the hospital we saw a woman getting into a little mint-green convertible that Ma's been envying in the parking lot of the mental health clinic. It was my psychologist. I felt spiteful seeing her so normal, getting into her nice car. I know she likely had her reasons for cancelling, good ones, but I can't help but think of when she said that one time that this hour was for me, for her to listen to me, and then just like that that comment was disproven and the hour that was for me was for someone else instead. I know this isn't rational. But I feel spiteful anyway. And besides, most times in the past when I gave other people the benefit of the doubt, it turned out they were just assholes who didn't care like they'd said they had. Sometimes I DO want the world to revolve around me. It just feels like I get pushed to the background all the time; surely I'm not the only one who sometimes wants everything to revolve around me.

Not that I'm proud of it, I wish I just didn't care. In any case, this thinking seems to show that this Risperdal isn't doing squat but giving me a dry mouth. I think I'm going to quit it on Monday, after taking it for a week. Even if the side effects are minimal, I simply feel it was wrong to put me on it. You can't cure a learned behavior with a drug, and my paranoia is learned. Try befriending enough people who turn out to be uncaring assholes, and you'd be paranoid too. I hardly think .5mg a day of an antipsychotic will take care of that.