06-17-06 @ 2:58 am EDT

I'm going to quit the Risperdal as of right now. I've been menstruating for over a week now, and I NEVER go for that long. It flared up a little bit last night. Messing with the menstrual cycle is a possible side effect of Risperdal, and I do not like the thought of what it could be doing to my hormones. I haven't taken it long, but I still feel in my head and in my gut that it was prescribed for all the wrong reasons, and I do not like how it could mess up my cycles. I was going to wait until seeing the psychologist on Monday, but that could be cancelled for all I know, the drug is acting up right now, and it's not making me any less paranoid anyway. I heard somebody walking down the road in the dark a few hours ago and had thoughts of him breaking in the window, stabbing me through the eye, raping me, all sorts of awful things...

I've been taking the Lexapro for over a month (first wrote about it in here on May 9th). I was told the effects usually take a week or two to kick in. I realize it's different for everyone, and even a month isn't a terribly long time. The thing is, I noticed mild changes just ONE WEEK after starting to use it. The first week, when I was on a lower dosage, I felt listless and empty. The second week and slightly after, when the dosage was upped, I felt the same as I had before I'd started, I just wasn't crying as much. But then in the past week or so, the crying's started again (one reason why I was put on the Risperdal). There's a personal problem which is leading to a lot of the crying but I don't know how to address it because it concerns somebody I know. A drug can't handle that. That's what these people don't seem to realize, a lot of my issues are with actual THINGS that are happening, and medication can't take care of those things. You have trouble with a friend and they give you a pill? They wonder why it isn't working? I was feeling moderately okay, until this issue came back up.

But now I'm wondering if the Risperdal isn't just making it WORSE. I was hoping, since it was that time of the month, that the crying was just due to hormones; I used to get VERY bad the week prior to starting, but I've been so depressed for so long that I no longer noticed ups and downs because it was all down. The thing is, that time of the month was supposed to be PAST, and I was STILL crying (and likely will again today). Risperdal messes with hormones. It's not causing the crying but what if it's making it worse?

The result is I feel exactly the same as I did before starting EITHER medication. In truth, neither WOULD ever help me as long as I still have this personal problem I don't know how to address.

I'll still take the Lexapro even though it's not doing any good, but I do not like taking this other one. I do not feel safe or good on it whatsoever.