06-20-06 @ 8:13 am EDT

Surprise of surprises, it wasn't cancelled like I expected it to be.

I had first a nurse assessment for my medication and then an appointment with the psychologist. It was in the morning, so Ma couldn't drive me; so my grandmother did. I felt very leery because of the whole incident involving that half of the family finding my journal, but anyway. Sorry if this is disjointed, my brain doesn't seem to be working properly. Anyway. I got ready early just in case Grandma showed up early, though I had no goal sheet or story chapter to bring with me. I lost the goal sheet and I decided not to bring a chapter because I figured she hadn't had time to bother reading the first one anyway, and even if she did she wouldn't be interested in the second.

Grandma drives a big dark minivan. I'd told Ma, when calling her to set up this arrangement, to let her know that I have problems conversing with people, and that when the appointment was over I would probably be crying and want to come right home. Don't know how much Ma told her. Grandma did chatter with me on the way there but at least I was able to offer small replies. The minivan seems too big for her. She's smaller even than Ma, and it seemed to keep jerking side to side a bit as if she were fighting to control it. She said she wanted to trade it in for something that wasn't such a gas hog, but hasn't the money at the moment. She's planning on snow tires in the winter though.

Grandma: "Once your Social Security gets through, you'll get a BOATLOAD of money!"

Me: "Well...they turned me down..."

"Oh, they'll do that; but your uncle kept at it for four years, and finally he got a $7000 check! Because they go back to when you first applied--which is why you should've applied LONG ago!"

(Didn't have the heart to tell her that IF mine goes through--big "if" I don't put hope in--my lawyer gets the first $5000.)

I told her I'd likely be an hour and a half, as she was going to leave to go shop or something while I was inside. So I went in alone. I had to go to the front desk and let them know I was there but I made a big mistake. I said, "I'm here to see _____" (psychologist's name), then they said they'd let her know and I went to sit down. A few moments later I realized, "Hold on--I see the NURSE first!!" I was just flexing my muscles to stand up and tell them when the woman pushed the window open and said, "Actually, you see _____ (nurse's name) first, then Psychologist" (I'm going to just call them Nurse and Psychologist since "_____" is getting stupid), at which I quickly nodded and apologized that I'd forgotten. Then I sat down and waited. I'd brought my jacket, because it was a bit chillier yesterday, and my book Ojibway Ceremonies which I'm rereading, but I was so tense and on edge that I couldn't read a word. I brought it only in case Grandma was late in returning. I just sat and stared across the room while another nurse/doctor came in and made lunch plans with the woman behind the counter, and a few other people circulated through the waiting room before leaving. Thank God none of them paid attention to me or sat near me.

I heard Nurse conversing with somebody before coming to get me and she ran a little bit late. I guess that's how things are run there. She at last called me in. I nearly went the wrong way because she said, "Third on the right," so I started to turn right, but what she meant was, turn left, THEN third on the right--how was I to know!! I nearly went walking into the front desk room. >_< Went in and sat down. This was more basic than the first appointment with her, as she never took my blood pressure, or weight, or anything, and I never even found out the results of my cholesterol test...hm. :/ I guess it wasn't bad because she expected me to still be on both drugs, Lexapro and Risperdal. I had to officially inform them that I have been NONCOMPLIANT and had stopped taking the Risperdal.

She kind of looked at me and her voice got this stern-you've-been-bad tone to it. -_- "Why did you go off of it?"

"I feel like it was prescribed for the wrong reason," I said in a tiny voice. "I don't think it could've helped."

"How long did you take it?"

"From the first day she prescribed it; I missed a dose, and I stopped taking it on Saturday I think."

"So you were on it just a few days?"

"About a week or a little more."

"That's not long enough to tell if it's working."

*cringe* "I know, but I'm afraid of the side effects."

"Well, you do realize these side effects are very rare."

"I know..."

"She wants you to take this so you can start feeling better."

"I know...but I think she misunderstood me. She thought I'm paranoid because my brain chemicals are funny. I'm paranoid because I've had bad experiences with people."

UGH UGH UGH. I don't need to be lectured! I'm doing everything I feel is WITHIN REASON to be compliant. I'm not going out of my way to be pissy and not do anything anybody says. I do not like to rock boats. It's not like I'm missing every appointment and not taking ANY of the drugs and plugging my ears and singing LA LA LA. I just did not feel safe on THAT particular drug and I feel I was misunderstood when it was prescribed--and as it turns out, I believe I was RIGHT to think that. The nurse's questions made it pretty clear.

"Are you still sleeping during the day?"

"Yes."

"Is your appetite still good?"

"Yes."

"Do you still feel suicidal?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you still think that people are reading your thoughts?"

>_< ! What did I TELL you!! The psychiatrist completely misunderstood me!! I NEVER said I believed that! DAMN this pisses me off! "That's where I think she misunderstood me," I said as politely as I could. "I never said I think people can read my thoughts--I KNOW they can't. I just feel like people can tell what I'm THINKING--I know they can't LITERALLY, I just feel like, if I look at people, they can tell I'm anxious, I'm a loser, stuff like that..."

I noticed she was taking notes as I said this. So HOPEFULLY the psychiatrist will find out what I really meant. For cripes' sakes! I KNOW people aren't reading my mind! But you have to admit that you can tell a LOT about a person's state of mind by making eye contact. And like I said before, I honestly don't KNOW the real reason why it's so difficult for me. It just feels threatening. I still can't believe the psychiatrist so completely got that wrong. I clearly said I felt LIKE people could read my mind, not that people COULD read my thoughts. I learned about this in two basic years of abnormal psychology. Psychotic people say people ARE reading their mind. Neurotic people say it feels LIKE people are reading their mind. See the difference? LIKE. How could she commit such an oversight?

(Besides--if I really DID think people are reading my thoughts--would I honestly come out and SAY that? I don't think so. So there.)

*steams* Anyway... "So you're adverse to taking additional medications," the nurse said, and I shook my head.

"Just this PARTICULAR medication," I said. Honestly, I have nothing against trying things out. But I'm not going to take a schizophrenia medication for symptoms that I don't even have! Cripes how stupid. I was low on Lexapro so she gave me a month's supply of that to take with me and that was pretty much it.

I went back out to the waiting room and sat back down. Ugh. -_-

I had gotten out early so I had about fifteen minutes to sit and wait before Psychologist called me in. I've felt hurt and pissed off at her for cancelling the last session but I guess she couldn't tell, probably because I hate hurting other people, no matter how pissed off I am. Went into her office and sat down where I always sit down. I now had my jacket, my book, and a bag of pills, so I'm sitting here holding all this stuff while we talk. I eventually had to set the pills on the chair next to me and at one point I dropped my book--it landed title-side up, Ojibway Ceremonies, I wonder if she thought I did that on purpose?--and had to pick it back up and tuck it back in my jacket. Hm. I'm very foggy on all that we talked about at first. Nothing terribly interesting. She asked about my goal list and I had to admit that I'd lost it. I just know she thinks I did so on purpose--Ma even said so. I didn't, but I know why people would think I did. I know I can be passive-aggressive, and I had every reason to be today. But I honestly did lose the list. I didn't look for it as hard as I could have but I did look; no idea what happened to it. Not like I had anything important to add to it anyway since I never do anything. -_- She said she could make me another copy and I nodded but she didn't this session; oh well.

She said the woman at the front desk had said I'd made eye contact with her and that was good. But I never made eye contact with that lady at all. I couldn't even say what she looked like. :/ She asked if I could make eye contact with her (probably remembering how I'd mentioned it would be easier doing it earlier in the session rather than later), but I refused. I said I didn't want to. Don't know if she caught that it was because I was mad at her, though it was also because I was already in a poor mood. Had to tell her that no, the Lexapro wasn't working. "You said last time that you weren't crying as much," she said, and I shrugged and said that it was about the same as it was before, now. Lot of good that's doing.

She asked if I was still writing, of course I am; she made the open-ended request, "Tell me about what you're writing right now," which I of course couldn't answer. She asked if I'd brought in another chapter and I shook my head. I've rehearsed this scene in my head a hundred times since the last appointment was cancelled, and it played out just as I'd thought. She asked why I hadn't brought one, and I mumbled, "I figured you wouldn't read the first one."

"Well, I did," she said. "And I was hoping to see another." Bla bla bla, you're overworked, too many patients, why bother looking at my dumbass writing? I noticed she never made any PARTICULAR comments about a word she'd read so for all I know, she didn't, and didn't even like it. So there. She asked if I posted it anywhere on the Web (she isn't very Web savvy) and ended up asking me for the URL so I wrote down the GeoCities one. For a moment I began to panic that she would ask for my WC one, where ALL my writing is posted, including the X-rated stuff. Don't know how she would take it. But that's not linked from my GeoCities sites, and neither is my journal. She can go, click around a few times, get lost, get bored, whatever, I don't care.

Most of the rest of the session didn't go very well...I think I'm finally pissing her off. -_- She must realize now just how whiny and defeatist I am. I don't feel like going into too much detail but I mostly complained about people leaving me hanging, all the people who say my writing's so good and then I never hear from them again, bla bla bla. She kept taking the OTHER people's side by saying, it's the Net, how can you be sure they're not still reading?--how can you be sure of this, of that, etc.? I simply can't know things unless people speak up. I don't believe in potentials anymore. She's obviously a potential-believer. I USED to hope for things, but after enough times of hoping and being let down, that tends to wear one down to not believing in potentials anymore. Wish she and some other people would realize that. I'm not defeatist because I enjoy it. I really USED to believe that if I waited and worked long enough, better things would come. Several times throughout the session I reiterated that if people can't follow through on something, then they shouldn't promise it in the first place. She agreed, but she obviously doesn't take people's vows as seriously as I do because if everybody took them as seriously as I do, the whole world would be pissed off.

She actually suggested that I should spend less time online and maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. I told her that wouldn't work. My problems follow me no matter where I go--the only time I can feel better about them is when they're resolved, and sometimes not even then. Besides, most of my time online isn't even spent interacting anymore anyway. I never got to say, "Um, if it weren't for the Internet I'd have absolutely NO contact with the outside world, I figured it was better than absolutely NOTHING"--maybe because sometimes I'm not sure if I believe that myself. Before I went online, I still believed in myself, for example...

AGH I just rubbed chili pepper in my eye!! >_O Ugh ugh...

Anyway...I didn't care for much of this session. Lots of her telling me that I COULD change, but I had to WORK on it, and lots of me just sitting there crying because by now I really don't believe that's true. I know she was irritated and thinks I'm a whiny passive-aggressive baby. Just what I need, yet another person who thinks so. I do realize that I need to WORK on things. But I'm too scared. And in all honesty, every time I've tried even tiny things, they've fallen through. I didn't give up because I'm lazy and whiny wah wah. I gave up because I honestly don't have hope left and I'm tired of being disappointed. Yes, IMO, by now I DO believe it's better to just not try than to try and end up disappointed. Failure doesn't result in learning lessons for me, it just results in me feeling like shit. Maybe, if she'd gotten to me several years ago, I would have stood a better chance. By now life's just gone to so much shit that I figure, what's the point in trying.

She seems to think that I base too much of my attitude on online things (true) and haven't tried hard enough (false) and give up too quickly (true but not for the reasons she thinks, it's been my experience that when I DON'T give up too quickly, the other person goes and does it for me!). She seems to think I'm irrational in wanting a relationship that LASTS. She even kept saying, "All relationships on this Earth end"--well DUH! But some people have LIFELONG friends. Cripes, I'm not looking to be latched to somebody's hip after death, I just want somebody who lasts for a good long time. It happens, I know it does. Just doesn't seem to happen to me. And everybody else who doesn't have long relationships, at least they don't usually seem to be as bothered by it as I am. So sue me for wanting some continuity and reliability in life.

I mentioned how I'm clingy and ask for too much, but I really do TRY to not do so, and to offer my friendship in return. She asked me to explain how I'm clingy and ask for too much; isn't it obvious?? I just mentioned how pissed off people get whenever I get angry when they don't keep their word. *I* find this irrational, because as I said, why make a promise you can't keep? But so many people I've interacted with have gotten so pissed off at me for taking their promises literally that I have to surmise that it's STUPID to expect someone's word to mean much. Doesn't make sense to me, but that seems to be how it is. *shrug* When at last she said it sounded like I wanted a real-life friend who I could share my interests with, and I nodded (my face practically hidden in my soggy paper towel--I stuff my pockets with them before every session just for this reason), she then prodded, "And this friend, would they be able to share their interests with you--?" Like I want it to be all me, me, me! I know I'm selfish, but in NO WAY do I want a one-way friendship--I really DO want a friend who not only I can share with, but who can share with me. So I nodded. "So you want it to be both ways," she said, and I nodded again. I feel insulted that she would think I wanted otherwise. I know I'm self-centered but I miss days of give-and-take. Sometimes it feels good NOT to focus on oneself. Why else have I put so much time and trouble into seeking friends?? If I really wanted to focus only on myself, wouldn't I be happy on my own?

Some more complaining from me about how people don't read my writing for long, some more prompting from her about how could I be sure? At least at ONE point they said they liked your writing, she says, to which I say, but they don't ANYMORE, so it all feels fake. Well, in a way it is fake, she says, because it's the Internet and how can you tell that any of it is genuine...? Thanks, that really helped...

Earlier in the session I recall her asking if anything ever made me feel good, because I couldn't give concrete examples of when I feel good as opposed to bad. Does writing make you feel good? Yes, but it feels stupid now. But it's something you enjoy? Isn't that a good thing in itself? It's not enough; I wanted it to matter to someone else. But if you feel happy writing it, that's a good thing it's doing right there. But it's not enough...

At last she asked if I've had any sort of contact with anyone IRL and I mentioned Dianne. How often are you communicating?--we've snail-mailed a few times. Snail mail? That's even BETTER than e-mail. Is this a person you could actually meet with in any circumstances?--yes. Have you suggested this to her?--actually, she suggested it, but I'm scared to. What did you tell her?--what I've just told you. That sounds like it could have some potential good to it--I'm not hoping for much. Well, it still sounds like it could be good...next time we can make a list of goals about that...

So at least it ended on a KIND of more upbeat note, but I still believe she now finds me to be beyond irritating, whiny, passive-aggressive, and lazy, and I feel I made a horrible impression, and I don't really feel like talking to her much. When I get the impression from people that I've irritated them, I really don't want to spend more time with them. It's not like I went into this with any expectation of getting better anyway, so why should she be irritated? I didn't even expect it to be a regular thing...

When earlier we'd been talking about relationships she'd said, "Every relationship has a beginning and an end...even this one, it began, and it'll end..."

"Then I don't see the point in talking to people," I murmured in response. "If something's just going to end I don't see the point in bothering."

Hope she took notice of THAT. It's true--if something's just going to come to an end--why bother with it? After my last therapy ended, I went right back to the way I'd been--I even got worse. This'll be the same. Why does she expect anything different? I need continuity in life. I've already had enough things that ended prematurely, thank you very much. Don't need yet more. I want something that lasts. That I can count on.

Managed to compose myself and not get lost on the way out. Made another appointment at the front desk--the 30th at one PM, I believe, a Friday, ugh--and left. Went to freshen up in the bathroom a bit and then went outside. One has to walk up these steps and then up a concrete rampway of a sort to reach the parking lot, and I saw a dark minivan, but nobody was in it. I stood stupidly in the parking lot for a moment or two but saw no Grandma. :( I walked in a circle--maybe she'd stepped inside, or had gone down looking for me?--but no, I'd have seen her. Maybe she'd gone into the upper level, thinking I would be in there--CRAP. Wish I'd told her where I would be, and had clarified whether she was going to come in, or wait in the lot, or what. What if she wasn't even here? Was that her minivan? All I knew was it was dark. I hadn't noticed anything else. I'm so LOUSY with cars. I couldn't go back and sit in the waiting room or hallway again!! So finally I had to just go and sit on the concrete rampway amongst the ANTS >_<;;;, hoping they would be kind enough not to crawl on me...*shudder*...which I don't THINK they did, so...*whew* FYI, those of you who are unaware--I FRIGGING HATE ANTS. THEY SCARE THE S**T OUT OF ME. Today for some strange reason the ants didn't scare me quite so much. They were so busy, and focused on their own thing, and in a weird way they kind of kept me company... :/

At last I heard a door slam and turned to look and see Grandma making her way around the back of the minivan. I popped right up, confused. "How long have you been sitting there?" she asked; it was maybe about five minutes. Turns out that she'd been there all along--in a dark minivan--BEHIND the dark minivan I had been looking at. >_< Good thing she'd finally decided to come looking for me, or I could have been sitting there amongst the ants forever!!

We drove home. More chatter. "Did you get your dad anything for Father's Day?"

"Ma got him a new lawnmower."

"A LAWNMOWER? How romantic!! What did he say?"

"He said, 'Now we can mow the lawn side by side!'"

"What did I tell you? ROMANTIC!"

As we drew closer to the house she looked at me and said, "Don't you let them put you on any medication that makes you feel FUNNY!"

"Well," I said, "I stopped taking one of them."

"Did it make you feel funny--?"

"No, but I feel they prescribed it for the wrong reason..."

She nodded as if in complete agreement. "Some of the side effects of those things are worse than the DISEASE!" Amen, I guess. I don't want to end up with tardive dyskinesia. (Though Ma always laughs when I mimic TD to show her a good reason NOT to take Risperdal. The other day when I was feeling weak and shaky, I began flailing my arms just to loosen up and she panicked and exclaimed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Had to tell her I was doing it on purpose. o_o; )

I'd been worried that Grandma would want to come in, since Ma had said she might want to wait there a bit until she had to go pick up my cousin, but my stunt in the parking lot had taken up a bit of time so she had to be on her way. *whew* I unlocked the door and let Coz out so he could do his little routine, though he was kind of perplexed because his schedule had been thrown off. My cat is so much like me that it's scary.

Checked the mail to find that they've sent me my "Michigan Medicaid health identification," or "mihealth," card, which is some kind of precursor to full Medicaid coverage. I never mentioned we went to look into that and my overcaffeinated caseworker informed me I'd been placed on this thing until they could approve or deny me for Medicaid. Apparently it covers prescription meds with a $1 co-pay, and should take care of the most recent bloodwork I had done (not the $300 one though), so maybe if the psychiatrist is informed of it she'll try me on a non-sample that's not an ANTIPSYCHOTIC. (She only put me on Risperdal because I refused having my parents pay for anything else.) No dental coverage though. :( Bummer. Ma spent all night scanning my birth certificate, diploma, old ID card, etc. etc. for the Medicaid process.

When I awoke later that night Dad informed me that the nurse had left me a message. She said it was okay for me to increase my Lexapro to three pills a day rather than the two I'm currently taking. Call her if I need more, which I will, since she gave me a month's supply only if I take TWO a day. She must've talked with the psychiatrist. I hope she set her straight on the READING THOUGHTS thing. I cringe because I hate pissing these people off and making them think I'm sabotaging all this, like some petulant schizophrenic refusing to take meds because I "feel fine," but I really feel I was misunderstood and this was the best thing to do. Been off the Risperdal since Saturday, no funky side effects yet. IMO it was best to go off before I hadn't been on it very long anyway. So I took three Lexapro last night instead of two. I guess I'll see how that goes, though I don't expect much.

For some reason I seem pretty resistant to everything they're trying. :(

I know I owe a few e-mails; I'll get to them but I spent all morning typing up this. Here's an interesting site to visit: http://www.dailywriting.net/