07-16-06 @ 8:11 am EDT

I'm late with this because we were gone yesterday. I haven't had proper sleep in two days. _-_ The appointment didn't go as horribly as I figured it would, but it didn't really go much of anywhere period...it seems most it consists of now is her asking me open-ended questions, and me just sitting and not being able to answer. I realize by now lots of people think I'm being stubborn and passive-aggressive, and sometimes I am--I even got thoughts to purposefully be that way rather than talk in sessions anymore. But I've just become so used to not talking period that when people ask me anything other than direct questions, I literally go speechless. If a question could garner more than a short, simple answer, I just can't seem to reply. "Tell me what you've been doing lately" and "Tell me what you've been writing about," etc., the answers could just be too longwinded and dull and by now I don't like going off too long about something. It's not just that I don't LIKE it. I literally CAN'T. I learned from experience not to bore people no matter what they say...

Anyway... -_- She commented that I seemed to be "looking up" a bit more, which was good, but this is nothing new and not an improvement, I've already gone over how my eye level goes up to about waist level when I'm feeling okay, but the worse I start to feel, the lower my eyes go. This will be kind of out of order but there wasn't much to it anyway. She asked if I'd gotten out of the house lately and I honestly wonder about this question and why it keeps coming up, because I honestly CAN'T get out of the house a lot more often, because there's no transport and nowhere to GO. Truthfully, I'd have no problem going a lot of places, IF I didn't have to interact with other people on the way. I want to go to the Estivant Pines, the Hiawatha National Forest, the Pictured Rocks, a slew of other places I can't even remember. And that's just in the state. I'd also like to visit the Muir redwoods, Shenandoah National Park, the Hoh Rainforest, Rock City, Lookout Mountain, the Underground Sea, the Walnut Street Bridge, the Dells in Ohio or wherever those are--I've seen pictures of some of these and they look so beautiful, I'd love going. The thing is, my parents just don't have the time or money for taking me to such places--not even the places in Michigan. It's my dream to spend a week on Mackinac Island, something as simple as that, but even that's way out of the question. I'd take just being able to visit it more than once a year, and that's beyond our means too. Plus it would really irritate my mother.

So it's not really a problem of not WANTING to get out of the house, but just not being ABLE to. There isn't--THUNDER!! HOLY CRAP!!--erh--there isn't really anywhere to go around here that isn't in full view of the entire neighborhood. I used to love riding my bike around until the neighborhood kids started making fun of me. I used to like taking walks and going outside for a while until the neighbors started calling to get my attention and kids riding down the road started yelling out insulting things. So now I just creep out when there's nobody in sight, and go back inside in like twenty minutes. Even that's hard sometimes, as the neighbors are often out and they have kids who frolic around their yard a lot. -_-

And getting out of the house just doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me. Getting out's never been a fear of mine. BEING NOTICED has been my fear. I'm perfectly fine wandering all over Mackinac Island completely on my own for nine hours. Stick me in a store and make me have to speak to somebody, however, and it's far different. And even when I DO do things that I don't normally do, they never seem to get any easier. Like making eye contact. I had to actually do that once later that same day (more soon)...and it didn't make it easier. Nothing I do repeatedly like this comes easier. Like every time I e-mail somebody, even somebody I know, it's just as hard as the time before. I don't seem to get desensitized to things, as it were.

I'm so rambling all over this. :/ Sorry.

I told her that no, I hadn't gotten out, but then remembered that we'd gone to see Pirates Of The Caribbean. She reacted like that was progress of a sort but IMO it wasn't; I've gone to movies before. If my mother's with me and I don't have to talk to anyone I'm fine. I'm not agoraphobic or anything. (At the theater, BTW, there were at least seven older teenaged girls wearing homemade PIRATE COSTUMES and yelling, "ARGH! PIRATES!" O_o ??? I'd expect that from little kids, in a big city, at a movie's big opening, but these were older teens, in Cheboygan, on the next-to-last night of the movie...weird. At least they didn't yell and stuff during the movie.) Anything else, she asked? Not really. We'd eaten before the appointment and were going to Wal-Mart afterwards but that's nothing new or outstanding. Any plans to get out later on? We were making plans to go to Traverse City but I wasn't sure when. She said that sounded good, though again, it's nothing new, nothing I've never done before.

Cripes! That was IT as far as thunder is concerned?? It's the middle of July and we haven't had a real...okay, there was another grumble. o_o; I'm pissing off the Animiki I guess...

Anyway...there really wasn't much to this session. She would ask me if I wanted to talk about anything in particular and all I'd do is just sit there staring at the floor and starting to cry again. On the one hand I don't want to answer, because it feels like a waste of time. On the other I just can't answer, because I've learned not to. So the big awkward silences draw out. I hate long silences. -_- Dr. C. would do those all the time...

She saw I was holding a book; I'd truthfully brought it along to carry a couple of papers, one of them the ten questions I was asked to type out (I decided to address them to Dianne), the other the "clarifications" I typed up regarding my psychiatric records. I'm always too nervous to bother reading in the waiting room. She asked what this book was and I could barely murmur, "Ojibwa Sociology," and kept thinking, is it so-SHEE-o-lo-gy or so-SEE-o-lo-gy? Ugh. She said that sounded interesting, and said I should perhaps look into further schooling regarding anthropology or something, but I already took anthropology in college... :/ Didn't mention that though. I have no plans to take any more college; I only went in the first place because I had no job and couldn't think of anything else to do after high school. And when I took that anthropology class I had no interest in the Ojibwa whatsoever...I didn't even know what the Ojibwa were. Sad.

What else? She asked if I'd been working on my writing and of course the answer is yes, but when she asked what I'd been doing and working on I could only say, "Same stuff." It's not like I ever do anything DIFFERENT, and even if I did, I would never go indepth about it.

Our monitor's twitching. :( I bet it's getting ready to die. Go figure.

I can't recall how we got around to it but she asked a few times if there was anything currently bothering me. I couldn't answer the first one or two times because it was too open ended, but I began to get more upset, because I did know what mostly was bothering me. I finally said, "This here. Being here." I had to tell her I felt it was a waste of her time, because I was being a bad patient. I think I heard her write down notes...I wonder if she noted that, "bad patient." When she asked why I thought I was a bad patient I had to say, "Because I never do anything." And it's true; I'm too scared to, and I no longer believe I'm capable of change. I USED to, but after a certain point, you just give up hope. Maybe a few years ago I would have stood a chance, but not anymore, the way I see it.

I figured she'd get pissed off at me and start telling me I had to try harder, etc. etc., at which point I planned to just shut up entirely until the session was over. She said that sometimes it takes a very long time for people to improve. I said that I'd already irritated her the last time. I didn't mention all the people who in the past offered help and then got fed up with me when I didn't change just like that because why bother? It's just so much whining. I said I would never change in any reasonable amount of time so what's the point. She said she's seen some people for years, and she could see me for years, but the records don't reflect that, I'm supposed to see her only a year I think. And I really don't even see the point in seeing her at all; I'm not getting anywhere. This is my ninth meeting total (including the psychiatrist and maybe the nurse, I think), and what exactly have I done in the past two or so months? Squat. I know it's a very short amount of time, but it's a long amount of time to get absolutely nothing done.

I just really hate wasting people's time, especially when she's got more promising patients to see to. Patients who actually DO stuff to get better. I just don't hope for that anymore. At this point even if I had a dozen friends and was getting out of the house every day etc. etc. I still would feel miserable because I would still just hate myself. Even when I get compliments, I never believe them, because I don't believe in my worth in deserving them.

I think she was getting irked by the long silences too. -_- What a waste of time. She suggested meeting more often, I think, but for shorter sessions. I really don't see the point of that but who am I to argue. So I guess the next appointment is next week (now this week) already, on Friday...ugh...for a half hour. Considering that I think I've been getting out of sessions early as it is, I guess shorter is best, especially as I don't really do anything in any sessions. So there's less time to waste, I guess.

She asked if I do any personal writing and I asked what she meant. "I know you already write fiction pretty well," she said (not that it's of any interest), "so I was wondering if you ever write in such things as journals..." I started nodding, yes, of course I write in journals. Here I am now, right?

She asked how often and I murmured, "I write in a paper journal almost every day and an online journal once in a while."

She said, "Do you think you'd be able to let me see them?"

O_O;;; >_<;;; UGH!! Humiliating!! I started panicking immediately. "I write about my sessions in there," I had to admit, feeling like a louse. "I'm not always very friendly." UNDERSTATEMENT.

She insisted that if her feelings were hurt, that was her issue and not mine and she wouldn't take it out on me. But I just dread the thought of hurting anyone's feelings, no matter how frustrated I feel. I get so pissy in my online journal, duh, and if you think that's bad, my offline ones are way worse! So no, I really did NOT want her to see any of that. -_- So she asked if I ever write about any good things that happen? The rare times that they do, I answered. But most of what I've been writing about lately is of course sessions, since my life is so dreadfully dull otherwise. (Er...I think a bat or something just came screeching at the window. I hope that was a bat. o_o; ) And by now, since people online seem to be most interested in my sessions, I feel stupid writing online about my writing or really boring things. And I'm usually so pissed off by something that I can't write about mundane things anyway. Little regular things still happen to me, it's just that when I get time to write about them, I'm usually in a bad mood so don't feel like sharing anymore. Cripes this is a rambly entry.

Anyway...she asked if I could perhaps write about something more normal and share THAT with her. I honestly don't have much to write about. -_- And I can't share the paper journal because it's all in one book. So...I guess that means this entry will end up being the one she sees. I feel so stupid. This journal always seems to be getting me in some sort of trouble.

She nearly forgot the ten questions and I had to remind her, meekly pulling them out of my book. I decided not to hand over the clarifications on my report; chickened out as always. Who cares. She looked them over and said they looked like good questions; would I be able to ask them of Dianne? I didn't know. (More Animiki...they must be chasing a Mishupishu. I like that thought more than electric discharge.) I had to say that I would feel rude asking the questions. She said it wasn't rude, most people LIKE being asked about themselves...I didn't speak up about how whenever I run into old classmates in the store, they ask me a select two questions ("So how are you doing? What are you doing, you have a job?"), and I always end up feeling terribly embarrassed and it always ends badly, with them smiling awkwardly and leaving without another word. I just feel terribly rude asking other people questions, because when people ask me the normal questions that everybody asks each other, I always feel like dirt. The only things I ever honestly want to ask about are, "Are you into mythology? Want to read my writing? Do you write too?" And that's way rude too.

I thought she was going to keep them, but she gave them back. Just as well, since I hadn't saved them, I guess...

So she gave me the goal of sharing a journal entry with her. -_- This one is tame, but mainly because nothing really happened this session. Ma wasn't in the waiting room when I got out (I think I saw an ant crawling up the wall!!), and I nearly missed her in the parking lot as her car was way behind another. We went shopping after that.

In the store, I took the cart and went off toward the pet food section to get Coz some treats and I noticed a woman with a cart of her own slowing down as she came my way. As I tried to go past, she grabbed my cart and halted it. I glanced at her without looking up; she said nothing, so I had to make eye contact, just briefly. >_< And I STILL didn't recognize her! She obviously knew me since she asked what I was doing, and what I was getting; I pointed out a blouse in the cart, and she noticed that it was the exact same as the one I was already wearing, just a different color. Where was my mother? In the bathroom. I got my hair cut again, it looked nice; I kind of nodded, thinking, WHO THE HELL IS THIS?? The only thought that crossed my mind was it was my mom's boss, but her voice sounded way different in person! She at last went on her way and I told Ma about her later. Later on that day Ma had to call her to see if she worked the next day and yes, it was her boss. I said I'd had to make eye contact and Ma said, "She said, 'I MADE her make eye contact!'" >_<;

Ma didn't have to work on Saturday, so we planned to go to Traverse City. It's a two-hour drive but it took longer because there was a car show in Charlevoix (I dozed through it, I guess) and road work in various places. We passed cherry orchard after cherry orchard. Traverse City is known as the Cherry Capital of the World for an obvious reason--there are scraggly cherry trees as far as the eye can see, and it seems like there's a sign saying, "Cherry picking" or "Sweet cherries" or some such like every five feet. One of their two malls even used to be called the Cherryland Mall, but it's since been converted into the Cherryland Center, and so we sent to the Grand Traverse Mall which is better anyway. They have these two big huge glass entrances flanking a huge glass-enclosed section in which is stationed a large ornate carousel with horses, goats, rabbits, camels, etc. As soon as we walked in we noticed a new addition, a sort of bungee (sic?) thing in which a child is strapped into a harness like on a swing and jumps on a trampoline WAY up into the air and can do flips and such...made me leery just looking at it. It was popular, but you'd never catch me dead on such a thing. -_- To me it looked like if the kids went high enough they'd go crashing right through the skylight!!

I wanted to check out a music store and a bookstore, plain and simple. So we started walking, though Ma kept wandering off. We found B. Dalton and I started browsing around. Get this, there were assloads of pirate books on prominent display, I wonder why?? *sarcasm* I first browsed the regional interest section...no things about Great Lakes Indians, fooey. :( I did find a big photographic book about Mackinac Island though, and a book called Weird Michigan, and kept those in mind for later. Went next to the fiction section, New Age, fantasy, self-help/psychology...saw a couple of Lovecraft books but it's stuff I've read before. I've decided that after Ojibwa Sociology, which I just finished, instead of reading my other few Indian books I want to read my Lovecraft all over again because I really have a jonesing for Lovecraft lately. I have so many things I want to read--Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code, the Winter of the World books, my Mysteries of the Unknown books, my Indian books, Daily Life Of The Egyptian Gods again, my writing books, my other Egypt books...I just want to read everything at once for some reason. But I'm going to start on Lovecraft first, The Lurker At The Threshold since it's one of my favorites. It was the first Lovecraft story I ever read; I still remember checking it out of the Petoskey library in college and sitting on the heater on cold evenings, absorbed in it. But that's the sad thing about liking a dead author, there isn't much you can do once you've read almost all his stuff. So I've been reading online fanfics of his.

I saw those "People Of The" books--you know, People Of The Fire, People Of The Wolf, bla bla bla, and decided to try People Of The Lakes and People Of The Masks, about the Great Lakes Hopewell (what, they couldn't do the Woodland??) and Iroquois. I HATE getting only a couple of books in a series but I'm only really interested in the Great Lakes and Iroquois tribes, and I figure, well, if I really like them maybe I can get the others some other day online. From the looks of it it's not like I miss anything by skipping some of them anyway. They better be interesting.

They had a cute little Zen garden kit but I figured what would I do with it...I just realized later on last night that they sell sand at Wal-Mart, maybe I could make something similar on my own. Hm.

They had some books on Freemasonry but again, I already have an encyclopedia of Freemasonry I haven't read yet. LOTS of secret societies books which I bet were spurred by The Da Vinci Code. Some interesting paranormal books but eh. Lots of fantasy series books but that's my problem with such things--while I love fantasy and I love series (says the person who's written like over three hundred chapters of fantasy serials so far), I can never seem to obtain ALL the books in a series, so I prefer to just read none. So I didn't get any of those.

By now Dad had found Weird Michigan as well and said that if I wasn't planning to buy it, he would, so I didn't have to pay for that one. I ended up getting the Mackinac book and the two novels. At the checkout, I saw these ADORABLE tiny little sets, like a REALLY tiny Zen garden in a box, and an itty-bitty water garden, and bonsai tree, and stuff...they were so cute!! I would've gotten the water garden but they were already ringing up my stuff so eh. I'd also looked at their journals and they had some GREAT nice fat journals, pretty, for a reasonable price, but I also decided eh...I've already got over 200 and don't even hope to live long enough to fill them all...

Dad said, "If I tell you where the music store is can we then go?" That's all I wanted, so I said yes. He pointed it out and we went. There were two specific CDs I had in mind, Vertical Horizon's re-release of Go, which has defied finding like EVERYWHERE in northern Michigan (honestly--I was coming to the conclusion that northern Michigan had some kind of deal not to carry that particular CD), and a CD that Amazon recommended to me, the Pat McGee Band's Save Me (the samples sounded interesting). The layout was really weird and it took me a moment to realize I was in the DVD section. O_o So I had to find the CDs, and the layout was still really weird. I went into the Pop/Rock section and began weaving through the aisles. I reached the M's and began browsing the Mc's, and wouldn't you know it,

ASIN: B0009PVZ2S Save Me Product Type: Music List Price: $ 11.98 Amazon's Price: $ 10.99 You Save: $ 0.99 [Buy Now!]

So that was nice, I plucked that one out and went looking for the V's. I found the card for "Vertical Horizon" and began flipping. First I saw Everything You Want; no, got that one already. Then I saw the first release of Go and sighed to myself; nope, got that one. :/ Then I flipped that forward and right there behind it,

ASIN: B0009RQSXC Go [With Bonus Track] Product Type: Music List Price: $ 12.98 Amazon's Price: $ 11.99 You Save: $ 0.99 [Buy Now!]

HOORAY! :D

Ma came over then and I said that yes, I definitely wanted these two, and handed them to her to hold onto. She put them up on the counter where the checkout girl was and I looked around a bit more. Wanted to see if they had anything by Cirque Du Soleil even though I'm not terribly interested in their older performances; didn't find any anyway. Would have browsed the soundtrack section longer but I sensed my parents (LIGHTNING!!) were getting antsy (Dad had picked up a Sixties CD and a Lynyrd Skynyrd CD--he heard them on TV recently so I guess he had a jonesing for Lynyrd Skynyrd) so I wondered where the New Age section was. We looked around, couldn't find it. :/ Not even near the World music. That was odd. Then I noticed they had a sort of upper level where the Blues and Jazz music was, and I saw "Easy Listening," and Easy Listening is just one step away from New Age so I had to wind around this ramp to get up there. (THUNDER!!) Voila, New Age. I wanted to see if they had anything by Era or Lesiem because I've listened to samples of their CDs at Amazon and a few sound really good, and I can't seem to find Era's CDs at eBay except from foreign sellers. :( Didn't see anything by them though. I did see a Secret Garden and an Ah Nee Mah CD I was interested in, but they were expensive and I figured, eh, I can always just get those online. So I decided that yes, I was done. We went back to the counter and the checkout lady flashed the two CDs at me and I nodded; she said, "Just wanted to make sure you didn't end up with someone else's CDs!"

It was time to eat but I had seen pictures of a fruit smoothie from Orange Julius that looked so good that I didn't care to eat any real food, I just wanted one of those smoothies. DAMN they were expensive. o_o It was good though. We left the mall and found a bead store that Ma had looked up online ("If we're going to Traverse City I'm going to find a BEAD STORE!!"--she says as confidently as Columbus setting out to discover the New World). Nawbin Beads or something. It looked kind of interesting so I went in too. They didn't have books, foo, but the beads WERE really pretty. I found a little box of those carved fetishes and saw an owl, then a turtle, then I had to keep looking and found exactly TWO rabbits. That seemed a bit too much of a coincidence to overlook, so I decided to get all four of those. Kept browsing around; they had woolly mammoth hair and fossilized fish and antler slices and bits of amber and all kinds of weird things. o_o Woolly mammoth hair?? Strange. The prices were pretty good on everything too, it seemed. And I'm really surprised that Ma managed to get herself out of there in only 45 minutes. (Dad, out in the vehicle, timed us.) That's a record for Ma, when she's surrounded by beads.

Normally I'm feeding the birds way before now but it's so dark outside. o_o

I do hope I can find my magazines at Wal-Mart; they had them at the bookstore but I didn't want to buy them there. Should've picked up Traverse magazine, though, since they keep "forgetting" to carry it here, ugh.

This Weird Michigan book has a story about a large lake creature that was spotted off Cheboygan back in the Seventies! Something--TWO somethings--about forty feet long! Dad knows the sheriff who's quoted in the item and says he's a stand-up guy--"If he says something, then it's true." It was probably sturgeon, IMO. They could still be out there since those things live forever! Mishupishu is mentioned early on in the book; I'm betting at least a few Mishupishu stories can be attributed to giant sturgeon. Though I like to think there really are some Mishupishus out there. I've been thinking a lot about Mishupishu and wabanos lately, wishing I had more to read on the subjects. I've been looking into Woodland art online--artwork pioneered by Norval Morrisseau, Carl Ray, Roy Thomas, and others--and wishing I could try some of my own, but I'm kind of leery of doing it yet. I don't think I know enough about it to do it well. If I ever do, I want to try my hand at Mishupishu, because he's such a dramatic character.

Other things before I go...I spotted a HUGE GIGANTIC SCARY ANT on the shower curtain...so hugely grotesquely huge!! >_<;;; I had to wash it down the drain...creepy scary freakish ant!! I HOPE there aren't more...ugh!!

Speaking of big bugs, the other day on the porch I spotted this Grotesquely Huge Bug of unknown origin...some sort of beetle with REALLY long antennae and wings. It was mottled brown and seemed kind of tangled in a spiderweb. I poked at it but it didn't move much, so I plucked it out by its antenna and it then began wiggling in protest. Ma had spotted it the night before. I carried it outside and deposited it on the pavement to get a better look while Coz wandered off (and missed the whole thing). It had big black mandibles so I was glad I hadn't handled it! But I picked up a twig and poked at them and it didn't bite. :/ So I poked at its underbelly to see what it would do and this bug TALKED to me. O_O !!! It waved its antennae and legs and let out this tiny little "EeeEEEeeeEEEeee!" sound!! OMFG!! Talking bug!! :O I just had to try that again, and sure enough, again it waved and made the tiny little EEeeeEEEeee sound...you know those old horror movies where there are masses of ants attacking and they're always making those little screechy sounds? It was just like that!! Talking bug!! Freaky!

By now I HAD to get the camera, which we keep unprepared because it has a habit of turning itself on and off at whim -_- , and I was sure this bug would be gone by the time I went back out, because after it had talked to me, it had started spreading its wings and getting ready to fly but without success. I hurried in, stuck the memory card in and shut the battery case, and ran back out--no more bug! :( But then I heard leaves rustling and looked down to see it wandering away into the lilies. I nudged it back out and it sat still so I aimed and clicked--but it moved just as I did so, so I don't know how well the picture turned out. Darn it! And it spread its wings one last time, and at last lifted into the air like a little helicopter and flew away before I could shoot another picture. :/ Oh well. I kind of miss the Freaky Talking Bug now. I've never met a bug that could talk before.

I had a dream the other day that I rescued some little old lady from falling off an escalator (?) in an airport. She was ready to give up, but I kept insisting that she just hold on. :/ Strange.

I think I've been approved for Medicaid, and I THINK I've been approved for state disability, though the wording is such that I'm not sure. It says $264 a month. I honestly don't know if they're saying that's what I MIGHT get or what I WILL get. They aren't very clear so I won't get my hopes up. Still no word on federal disability.

Anyway...I haven't written fiction in the past two days due to the disruptions in my schedule, and I don't know if I'll have time today either. Three days without writing. *sigh* -_- I know I write so much that I deserve a break, but I still feel bad. I'm kind of stuck on that story anyway...maybe I'll take notes instead, since I really need to figure out where this thing is going. I'm so lost.