07-28-06 @ 7:37 am EDT

I'm tired and never feel like typing these up anymore...well...at least it probably won't be long.

Grandma had to drive me again as Ma can't get away from work that early (noon); I was just two minutes away from phoning her anyway, as Grandma didn't show up until 11:43, so that was cutting it pretty close. She and I didn't talk much on the way there, which was just as well. I had decided to bring the printed-out journal entries, even though I hated myself for doing so; nonetheless, I folded them up tight in my pocket so they weren't in plain view. I didn't want the psychologist thinking I was eager to be there or to talk, because after last week, I honestly wasn't.

She didn't mention anything about the cancellation when I first went in, just like last time. I felt resentful about this; even if it wasn't her fault, she could have said something about the inconvenience, especially since she knows how much difficulty I have with people when they can't keep their word. I didn't feel like talking much anyway and just stared at the floor and gave the shortest answers possible, feeling stupid when they involved more than one or two words. I just didn't want to raise my voice loud enough to be heard; I wanted to be mute and just blend in and disappear. -_-

She asked the same old things...get out in the past two weeks?...do anything interesting?...etc. etc....this whole process feels so repetitious, how could I possibly get anywhere just being asked every week if I got out of the house and did anything? Even when I do get out of the house, I don't really interact with people. She seemed enthusiastic when I told her about the trip to Traverse City though I can't comprehend why. I even told her that I hadn't gone up to the counter to pay for the items myself, which I assume would be the only positive thing I could get out of going to a mall. She asked why and part of the reason is that I don't like communicating with the cashier, but a big reason is the money itself; I'm AWFUL at figuring out how much something will cost. I just can't do that kind of math in my head, taking tax into account. And since I like to have money ready AHEAD of time, that makes this impossible since you don't know until they ring it up and are already waiting for the money! I have this horrendous fear of flashing money in public. Whenever I have to pull out money to pay for something, I'm very furtive about it, to the point that they probably think I'm trying to shoplift something. I DETEST people seeing my money. It makes me feel like I'm bragging or something. Even if it's a wad of $1's. Hence I just hand some money to a parent and have them do it. If I have the right amount of money to pay for something without the cashier either having to ask for more or give me some of the bills back because I have too much, then I can usually go through a checkout. But it's rare when that happens.

She asked me if I felt okay during the mall trip and I said mostly; she asked when I felt best and I had no idea how to answer that. Um, I felt basically the same throughout the whole trip...nothing terrible happened...so I had no huge reason to be anxious. o_o The worst part was stopping at a roadside park to use their toilets and they were those...what do you call them?--outdoor latrines or something...they had nice siding and were basically clean but I HATE those toilets that don't flush, basically you're going into a hole in the ground, and every noise carries remarkably well. Plus the seat was way too high. And don't mention the smell. >_< I did not particularly like that, but that's as bad as it got. I even strode past some strangers seated on the beach to stick my hands in the lake because there were no sinks; none of them noticed me so that was okay.

So...I forget where I was going with this. She seems to think I'd have difficulty with the wrong things, it appears. As I've said, I can USUALLY function pretty well if I 1. know what I'm doing and 2. don't have to interact with people/don't have people noticing me.

The session was so bland, most of the questions aren't worth going over...as if I would remember them. She asked then if anything had bothered me and I started to answer, then realized that I wasn't sure what she was asking. "In the mall, or during the past two weeks?" I asked. "During the past two weeks," she said, and that set me off crying because yes, there was that HUGE THING which really upset me in the past two weeks, and I could of course not tell her what it was. Hello, Psychologist, I was incredibly upset in the past two weeks because of YOU. -_-

So there was this big long awkward part with her pressing at me to answer and me just being unable to. I said I didn't want to be rude and she asked how that would happen. I said it had to do "with this." Something about the sessions was bothering me? Could I tell her about it? More mute crying from me. Could I write it down? I really, really, really didn't want to. But I knew she'd get exasperated and pissed off if I didn't do something. She handed me a pad of paper and I had to unclip my pencil from my collar (I have a safety pin on my collar and I hang my pencil from it wherever I go...looks stupid but at least my pencil's there, and I can use the safety pin to pick my teeth...), and even that made me feel stupid. She probably expected me to write down a big long slew of something...but all I wrote down was

cancellation.

I don't know why I put the period there, it just came out. :(

I handed the notepad back and she asked me if the cancellation had upset me; I nodded. "How did you feel when I cancelled on you?" "Angry," I said, though it was more like, angry, hurt, infuriated, pissed off, guilty, embarrassed, worthless, with a big general feeling of "Of course this was going to happen, it always does." She said that sometimes emergencies come up and they have to work in "rounds," and that time happened to be her round; they tried not to cancel on people more than once (I began thinking, "Oh really--?"), if they could help it, she added. She said the emergency hadn't really been much of an emergency but these things came up sometimes; "I'd rather have been here talking to you."

(The inner voice said, "Whatever.")

The outer voice said, "I know it's not your fault and stuff just happens, but that's the reason why I feel like I shouldn't even be here."

"How do you come to that conclusion?"

"I'm not having an emergency, I'm not doing anything useful, I'm not a good patient or making any progress. I can't keep taking up people's time."

"Well, you deserve to be helped and listened to too."

I shook my head. "No I don't. It's not important enough."

"Of course you're important."

More headshaking. Nope. Not buying that.

I can't recall all that was said but I repeated several times how I hate taking up other people's time and I just can't do it. I can't STAND the thought that out there, there are so many people more important than I am, people who actually contribute things--things a whole lot more important than some stupid stories--who need help and I might be taking up time better spent on them. I've never been a "survival of the fittest"-type person, but when it comes to me, the shoe fits. Maybe if I contributed something that actually matters, I'd feel differently, but I don't believe I ever will. It's nice for people to say I do but writing some stories that a few people kind of like yet could just as well live without doesn't sound very important to me. There are people out there who have families who depend on them, who contribute to society, who improve the lives of others, and who need a lot of help. Me...I sit and write stuff. It hurts, but I'd much rather they get the help because at least it isn't wasted on them.

She asked if I was still journaling and I nodded because I always do. When she brought up the journal entry she'd wanted me to bring in I mentioned at last that I had it; she hadn't thought I did because it was in my pocket. I said, "I wasn't going to give it to you" but I don't know if she got the significance of that or not. I told her several times that it's long and she didn't have to read it because I don't want to take up people's time. I wish I'd had the strength of will to leave it at home, that would have sent a stronger message AND would have saved her time for something more important. I'm mad at myself for wussing out and bringing it.

She looked at it briefly and said it looked interesting (where've I heard that before...the fiction writing of mine that she promptly lost interest in) and like I had a "whole lot of things going on" in my head...she said she believed that would be very helpful, though I don't see why it would. She seems to think that me journaling is a good idea but I've been doing it for five years now and haven't gotten any better at anything. When I first started journaling, I was of the mind that it would help me vent and get over my problems more easily. And sometimes, it does. But a lot of my journaling is just endless continuations of the same whine. Science backs this up, too. You know how so many journaling sites say that venting in your journal is good for you? Well, I read an article a long while back that said that people who vent in their journals a lot tend to be MORE depressed and tend to linger on problems longer than people who don't journal about it. While I'm sure that doesn't hold for everyone, it seemed to hold for a majority...and I'm an example of someone who once thought that journaling was really helping me, only to realize one day that no, it isn't. So there could be others out there who don't realize how "stuck" they are when it comes to journal venting...

I guess it's all in how you look at it...in my case, I don't think journaling's helped me much emotionally. That's the gist of it.

She asked a few times if I had any questions for her or anything I wanted to bring up...I just kept shaking my head...didn't want to take up her time and just didn't want to talk anymore. I don't really want to ask her questions, because I don't really want to know her or get close or anything. I'd made a mental resolution as I sat waiting for Grandma to pick me up earlier. That if she cancelled once more, I'd have Ma request that I see another psychologist. She didn't cancel yesterday, but she likely will again sometime...

But I feel I have no right to complain, because I'm not exactly paying (you get what you (don't) pay for), and I'm just not important enough to warrant such attention. All the other patients are much more promising and important than I am. I bet that emergency she had to see to was somebody more promising than I am, somebody whose situation was a lot more dire. That nullifies any complaint I might have. As pissed off as I am, I still feel guilty for even getting upset, because getting cancelled on is only what I deserve. I'm not high risk, I'm not high importance, I'm not high anything. I just am.

She said, "If and when you have any problems with me or with the sessions, I hope you can bring them up with me, because that's what I'm here for, to discuss that."

"I don't think I can," I mumbled, feeling bad enough about saying what I did.

When she went to schedule the next appointment she seemed to make a point of making it sound important--"If you can't fit her in for next week, then at the very beginning of the week after that." That won't convince me any...this time Grandma's car (she got rid of the minivan) was in the lot in plain view, so I went over and got in.

"That was short!" she exclaimed, and looked at her watch. "Only a half hour?"

I nodded.

From behind me, a young child's voice suddenly exclaimed, "A half hour and five minutes!"

O_O !!! *HEARTATTACK!!!* I gasped and nearly screamed! Grandma asked me what was wrong and it was all I could do just to whisper, "I had no idea there was anyone else in the car!!"

Turns out it was just my cousin Hannah. I thought Grandma had just picked her up, but based on what my parents said later on, I think she was in the car ALL ALONG! I had NO IDEA! _-_ !!! "You didn't know anyone else was in the car because I was sleeping!" she explained, and we pulled out of the lot.

Grandma had to drop off a few pillowcases at someone's house--based on what Ma said, I think it was my aunt--and Hannah really wanted to stay over there with her friend Nina, but Grandma insisted that she had to get me home. This made me feel very guilty. -_- Fortunately my aunt or whoever saved the day by telling Hannah that Nina was going to stay the night at somebody's house anyway. So the burden of guilt didn't have to be on me...

I returned home to Coz and decided to get back to reading my Lovecraft and making some dream illustrations...I'm drawing new versions of my old dream journal illustrations, and maybe will draw all-new ones for newer dreams, because I saw this one guy's page at DreamJournal.org and he had these funny illustrations uploaded at Flickr. I think you can have as many photos there as you want and can link them to your blog for free; at least, I hope so. I'd like to clean up my drawings and link them someday. The old ones are done in pencil on lined paper and are pretty rough sometimes so the scanner doesn't take to them very well...

I had a dream the other day that I kept coming across dead rotting bodies on G. Road...I haven't had a rotting-bodies-lying-around dream in quite a while. :/ I also had a dream that I went to Mackinac Island but forgot my map...and my letters I planned to leave on the island...AND my camera...practically everything I usually take! What a lousy dream...

Oh. I also dreamed recently that I was Anubis, bringing death to mortals...that convinced me to make my next Kemet fic (I FINALLY finished "Ihi & The Fish Of Ra") about him. It's called "The Deathbringer's Burden." Don't know if I'll have time to work on it today after this, though.

There's this spider living inside the door of our mailbox and I call her Spider Mother because she had a sort of web nest with first eggs in it, then little tiny baby spiders. Normally such things freak me out but she isn't causing any harm, and I kind of liked opening the mailbox door every day and seeing her crouching on her nest; if I blew gently on it, the little spider babies would start crawling around inside. Aw. :) A few days ago though they weren't moving when I blew. So I gently touched Spider Mother's leg to nudge her aside and she scrambled onto the outside of the door. A bit more blowing, still no motion. Either they've gotten bigger and don't respond or they've moved out. I tried nudging Spider Mother back onto her nest, which she usually does, but this time she rappelled down from the mailbox and went scuttling off. :( I felt so awful for scaring her away. I felt sure I'd never see her again. I checked an hour or so later, no Spider Mother. -_- I went out with a heavy heart the next day and opened the door and...THERE SHE WAS! :D Hooray! I guess they can find their way back after all. Still no more movement from the babies...oh well. I noticed yesterday that she seems to have ANOTHER little nest in there so maybe she laid another batch of eggs? Aw! I do hope the mailperson doesn't hurt her or the nest when tossing in the mail every day. I like going out there and seeing that spider sitting on her nest.

Speaking of, I've gotten to wondering if nature doesn't have a weird way of trying to get our attention sometimes...the night before last, I noticed a daddy longlegs wandering around in the grocery bags in the utility room, and felt sorry for it because I've never seen one inside a house before. "Poor thing," I murmured. "Wish I could put it back outside." But daddy longlegs are really fast, and I knew I'd never catch it, so I had to leave it.

The next night I was at the computer online when I saw something move near the mouse and I jerked my hand away. Turns out it was the daddy longlegs, clambering around on the computer desk. "Poor thing," I murmured again, wishing I could place it outside, but it went crawling off before I could. I knew that without some sort of container I'd never be able to catch it, so I had to leave it alone again.

A few hours later I was in my room eating ice cream when I saw something move on the bed and jerked my arm up and THERE IT WAS! The daddy longlegs, right on my arm!! It freaked me out at first...but I managed to transport it out of my room, and open the porch door, and tried blowing it off my hand. It clung to me. >_< So I at last nudged it onto the bush beside the porch and it crawled off. Cripes...my room is like at the other side of the house from the utility room and dining room! I actually got to wondering if that thing FOLLOWED ME knowing I'd want to place it back outside where it belongs...because, I don't know...maybe Spider Mother told it that if it ever got caught in that house, there was this girl who'd be nice to it and put it back outside.

I know, weird...

Kitty caught a chipmunk when we were outside the other day, but I made him let it go...I think it was okay. Dumbass cat. >:/

I have to learn to use an ATM today because that's where the state disability money is going, into a bank, and I have to learn how to withdraw it...stupid machines. Stupid banks.

Sorry I'm slow in replying to people or in not replying at all. I really do appreciate what people have been offering.