08-02-06 @ 7:27 am EDT

IT IS SO HOT. -_-;;;;; I said it was mindnumbingly hot before--? Well the past two or so days it's been STULTIFYINGLY hot. I took a bath just yesterday and like ten minutes after taking it I felt skanky again! I like summer as much as the next person, but cripes, one shouldn't be dripping with sweat just from STANDING UP or SITTING DOWN.

Thankfully, we got a great light show and some thunder last night, and I think the heatwave's broken somewhat so it should be more tolerable now. Urgh. I still think I need to take yet ANOTHER bath today...

Anyway...Monday I had a psychiatrist appointment, at THREE-THIRTY PM. I only found out at the end of the week prior because they send you an "appointment reminder" which isn't much of a REMINDER because it's the first you hear of it! I wanted Ma to reschedule it for earlier in the day if possible but later in the day is better for her with her schedule and it was such short notice...so I had to go in for 3:30...and was so tired the day after. -_- They know I'm nocturnal, you think they'd work with that.

Ma was pretty snitty when she showed up, because of the heat, I guess. The appointment wasn't much of note. She (Dr. K.) asked me the same basic questions as usual--notice any changes?, still sleeping during the day?, still having paranoid thoughts? etc. I noted that now and then I get these little muscle jerks but I don't know if they're related to the Lexapro or not--for all I know I had them before I started on any drugs, I just never noticed. In any case I find them more curious than annoying. They're kind of hard to describe. Sometimes it's kind of like I get this feeling that I'm just about ready to start flailing my arms or legs or shuddering uncontrollably and I have to fight it. I don't think I really AM going to do that, it's just this kind of...twitchy feeling without the twitches. :/ And sometimes an arm or a leg just jerks a bit and that's it. *shrug* I don't think it's a big deal but the medication warnings said it could possibly be serious so I mentioned it; she seemed to think that as long as it's not bothering me it's okay, which I guess I agree with. She asked if I was okay at this dose and I said I guess. Also which I felt had been more useful, the Prozac or the Lexapro? In truth I don't know. Neither did miracles for me. I remember the Prozac "cheered me up" a tad and made me a bit hyper (probably in combination with the BuSpar, I read those two can do that), but didn't really alleviate my major symptoms. Basically the same with the Lexapro. The depression isn't so great, except for when things upset me, but the anxiety is still there. She asked if having the Medicaid made it feel any easier and I said yes because at least money isn't as big of a problem and now I have a prescription for the Lexapro. Otherwise it would cost like $137 a bottle, I think. Now it costs $3.

Oddly, she didn't mention a thing about the Risperdal. :/ I thought for sure she'd niggle at me about it, like the nurse did. In fact the way she talked made it seem like I'd never been put on it at all:

Dr. K.: "So you're still taking your medication?"

Me: "The Lexapro, yes."

Dr. K.: *looking at notes* "Well, that's the only one you're on, isn't it?"

Me: *kind of perplexed* "Yes..."

Oh well. :/ I'm not one to complain when I'm not getting niggled at.

She asked what I've been doing lately and I said the same, reading and writing...she asked what I've been reading. O_o What does that matter?? I'm constantly puzzled by that question. Like I said previously I had a jonesing for Lovecraft so I've been going through all my Lovecraft books and right now I'm on The Loved Dead, a book of Lovecraft revisions. I didn't know how to answer her question because Lovecraft's an author who kind of defies genres...is he horror?--fantasy?--sci-fi?--occult or supernatural? So I finally just said, "Lovecraft," and I guess that was good enough. She's probably never heard of him anyway.

She asked if it would be okay if she could call Ma in and I said yes. They talked a bit and Ma promptly brought up the Risperdal (though she got the name wrong, "Risserdal" or something). *sigh* (This monitor is seriously twitching... -_- ) "Well, as I have it, she's not on that anymore," was all Dr. K. said; when Ma said it was because we were scared of the potential side effects, she said, "That's okay," so she didn't raise a fuss about it. Huh.

She asked if Ma had noticed any differences in me and Ma said yes, and proceeded to list a few things that I didn't really see of much importance... :/ She mentioned a stamp class all-day thing she asked if I'd like to go to, and said that I'd answered, "Yeah," when in fact I'd said, "Maybe," and that I'd need more details to be sure. She also said I'd called a telemarketer and told them to take me off their call list, which isn't quite true...I just picked up the phone while Dish Network was leaving their umpteenth message to us and waited until they said which button to push to be taken off the call list, and I pushed it. And that I only did because I was supremely pissed off at all of Dish Network's calls!! >_< So I think Ma might have misinterpreted a few things as being more significant than they really were... :/

Dr. K. said then that I would see the nurse in about a month and her every three months, which I found kind of odd, but oh well, it's not like I ever have much to say to her...she made a point of saying that I could see her sooner if I needed to, but I don't really imagine that happening. Mostly what she does is prescribe the meds and ask how they're acting anyway. *shrug*

So Dr. K. wrote out a prescription for the Lexapro--still 30mg a day (the bottle the nurse gave us had no refills and that had really been bugging Ma)--and that was that. Went home, went to bed.

While I had been waiting for Ma to arrive and take me to Dr. K., I'd gotten a call from the...cripes, I NEVER know what to call that place. The mental health place. My next psychologist appointment had been scheduled for Wednesday...and they had to cancel it. -_- They must have known that would upset me because the receptionist or whoever left the message sounded very contrite. I have to say that I was rather expecting this, but I did get upset anyway. It turns out there was a very legitimate reason this time, but that always makes me feel I should stop seeing people because their schedules are so cramped as it is--I HATE taking up time they don't have, or time better spent on more promising people. I don't pretend to believe I'm going to get better, so it really bothers me to be such a burden.

In the message the receptionist tentatively rescheduled me for noon of Tuesday instead, a day earlier. Ma was quite peeved when I told her but perhaps it was for the best because she'd been sure the appointment was on THURSDAY--I had to keep telling her over and over that no, it had been set for WEDNESDAY, even said so on the card. When we went to see Dr. K. and she asked after it, though, they rescheduled it for ten on Tuesday. That's a hassle on Ma even though it's better for me. My Grandma B., who's been the one who's been driving me lately when Ma can't get away from work, doesn't get up that early, so Ma had to call my Grandma H. (Dad's mom) to do so. This made me nervous because she's more loquacious (sic?--who cares) and in very frail health. Ma could drive me in there on her way to work--but I'd have a half-hour wait beforehand! -_- I decided to wait out on the bench in the hall rather than in the waiting room, because even though people pass by a lot, they don't sit down near you, and there isn't that closed-in feeling. I was nervous that people would see me and wonder what I was waiting for but nobody who passed by said a thing. Plus it's air conditioned there. *sigh*

I sat and made myself read some Lovecraft until about ten to, then went in. I was dreading that it had been cancelled while we'd been on our way there. And in fact, when I presented myself, the receptionist murmured, "Wasn't that for noon...?" >_<; But it was for ten because she abruptly said, "Okay," and closed the window :/ so I guess that was intended for me and I went to sit down.

It's raining again. I like the sound of rain. I wish this monitor would quit flickering. -_-

Psychologist called me in...cripes my memory is bad. There were some of the usual questions, especially if I'd gotten out that week or done anything, and since it was only Tuesday the answer was no...though in truth with this weather I don't think I would have WANTED to go anywhere or do anything... _-_ She too asked what I was reading, since I was still holding The Loved Dead in my hands, only when I told her, "Lovecraft," she asked what that was and I had to say, "Supernatural," because who even knows what Lovecraft is? O_o I have to confess that I don't. Maybe that's why I like him so much.

She'd read my journal entries of the last time and said she'd found them interesting and helpful, and again that I had a lot going on mentally...she asked if I'd brought in any more but I hadn't because I didn't know that she'd wanted any. My entries are so damn long I hate boring people with them, especially when they're busy. She made some comments on some of the things I'd mentioned, firstly about the dreams I'd printed out (I figured, they're mental things, so I'd printed out the dreams I'd had in the same period as the entry "Nine & Various Stuff"). "Scenes From An Airport" was one of the primary dreams; she took note a few times of how I'd conversed with a woman in that dream, and said she believed that indicates that I "have it in" me somewhere to be more outgoing, but I don't know if I agree; I've killed people in dreams and have flown and gone up in high places, and performed an indecent act with one of my own characters O_o;; , and I can't imagine ever doing that stuff in real life. :/ I had to say that it's true that I'm "more outgoing" in dreams for some reason...maybe it's compensation. *shrug*

She also mentioned how, in this dream, I'd fought to save an elderly woman from falling to her death, along with the help of some other people; she asked what I thought that might mean and I had to shrug. While I've interpreted a few other people's dreams in the past and they found the interpretations interesting, I'm not good at doing it to myself. She said, "Do you think maybe you trying to save this old woman was your way of trying to save yourself...?" o_o Well...maybe...it sounds rather Jungian, which is more my school of thought. And I had even compared the dream to "Baby Savior," an older dream in which I saved an infant from drowning, and I always figured that baby represented part of myself somehow. Don't know what part of me the old woman would represent. Freud would probably say it had something to do with sex or repression. I couldn't explain the specifics though...

This rain is getting heavier. Hm.

What else... :/ She asked if I'd had any dreams this week and I nodded. She asked what about; and I completely forgot my interesting recent dreams "I Am Anubis," in which I was the god of death, and "Fallen House & The Body Plot," which featured rotting corpses lying in the road...in favor of "How Could I Forget All That?!", a simple dream about showing up on Mackinac Island only to find I'd forgotten my map, my camera, and basically everything else I wanted to bring. >_< This led to her talking about how I seem to like Mackinac Island, which is true, and if I'd gone there this year yet; not yet, though I hope to later this month. I haven't even planned out a route yet. :/ I always want to do so much I haven't time for. *sigh* She asked what I liked most about the place and I said, "The nature"; she said it also had a good sense of history, at which I nodded, because I like that part of it too. When she asked I again went over how I have little trouble there because I basically leave town and don't interact with people much. She asked if I'd be able to go there completely on my own, without my mother, and I don't think so, because we'd have to coordinate how I'd get back to Mackinaw City and find Ma in the parking lot hours later...without cell phones I don't see how that would work.

She took note of how I'd said in the entry that I wanted to go to various places, and if there was chance of that happening; I had to bring up again about how much it would cost. If money wasn't a problem would I go? Yes, if a parent was present. Would I ever travel anywhere alone? I shook my head immediately. One of the big reasons being, I have no real way to travel anywhere on my own as it is! And I can't envision myself taking a taxi or a bus anywhere on my own. o_o

There were a few other minor things...she then asked if I could bring her more journal entries, including dream ones, and I nodded...I guess I can, though I still hate how long they are. She also wanted me to take note of various things I think during the day so we could discuss those during sessions, though in truth, I'm not sure what that means. I don't really think much of interest throughout the day...except for when I'm focusing to write something, like an entry, most of my thoughts consist of inane stuff like, "What's on TV tonight?" or "Should I read or should I draw?" or "I wish this stupid monitor would stop twitching." :/ I never noticed this before but it's almost like I have to sit and FOCUS on my thoughts before they actually form something even moderately coherent...maybe that's why I don't write entries much anymore, they take some trouble just to type up. I always feel really unfocused when trying to sort through all my thoughts. They're like the file cabinets in my room--overstuffed with all this junk that's all mixed up, and there's lots of stuff in there besides that doesn't even belong in a file cabinet. Once in a while I luck out and there's a folder with some contents that are actually in order, but most of the time it's hit or miss.

My file cabinets are really messy BTW... :/

So I'm not sure that I'll really be able to do that one since most of my daily thoughts are pretty dull and wouldn't make for decent conversation...

She asked me how I'd felt when the session was cancelled and I had to admit that it had upset me even though I know she had a good reason. She decided to try to make a more regular schedule for us to meet on since it's obvious I thrive on plans and predictability. (My two criteria for feeling okay in a strange situation: I don't have to interact with people, and I know what I'm doing/what to expect.) She asked which time would be better, around two or around noon? While I like noon, two is better for Ma, so I couldn't decide. She said we could try out 12:30 and if that was a problem we could modify it the next time. We went out to try to schedule the next appointment though and it immediately ran into hitches. Her schedule is so busy. -_- I wonder if they ever groan and get irritated when they hear they've been assigned a new patient?--how do they keep handling all that? So the next appointment is for two after all, and the week after that is up in the air because apparently there's currently NO Tuesday slot available at either time. I stared at yet another bug of indeterminate species crawling along the wall as they discussed the scheduling, and I felt like a bug myself...I hate being such a...wrench in the gears...or whatever. Such an annoyance. Finally she gave me the card and said they'd work it out later so I didn't have to stand there waiting all day. The receptionist said my grandmother had stopped by to say she was waiting in the parking lot so I then left.

Turns out Grandma and her friend Mary were in the hall, because of the air conditioning, of course. Grandma is so frail. -_- Mary had had to drive because her arm is bothering her or something, I guess. I sat in the backseat while they talked to each other a lot about...cooking or something... O_o Well, at least I didn't have to make conversation. Made it home uneventfully, let the Puss Man out for his fresh air, then went back inside and got all naked and TOOK A BATH. >_< UGH.

Spider Mother was still in the mailbox last I saw, but she was cowering way in the back, rather than sitting on her nest. :/ Hope she's okay...

And I had to rescue ANOTHER spider the other day as it was scampering around in the sink, which I had to use, and they can't ever seem to climb out of the sink. I stuck a toilet paper roll in there and shooed it inside, intending to transport it out, but it ran out of the tube and over my hands >_<;;; and then rappelled down to the floor and out of sight. Oh well, at least it got away. What is it with all the spiders lately??

Redoing my old dream sketches from '96-'97 is rather fun, though I wish it were going faster. I've only pencilled (sic?) in about sixty so far, and haven't yet done inking or coloring. Was that thunder? Hm. Gives me something to do at least.

I hate it, but I think I'm going to slack off with writing again today. -_- Didn't write yesterday because of the early appointment, and today I had this to type up, and I keep getting stuck on EFMI...it's currently in a "boring patch"...oh...plus I have a couple of dreams to take down. Ugh. Well, I guess it's a good excuse, and again, if anybody has a right to slack off with writing it's me, but I still always feel bad. Wish I were not so confused on EFMI, I'd like it to start moving along more easily again.

I had a dream last night that the Hezbollah was attacking the US. :/ They were bombing minor cities in a genius plot to catch us offguard, because who would expect minor cities to get attacked, right? This had me worried, because what is Cheboygan but a minor city nobody's ever heard of...?

Also dreamed that a remarkably large RAT was on the porch and started attacking our cat...ugh...normally I like rats, but this was a very large wild one, and very nasty. Oddly, I used a lucid dreaming technique in that dream, and I still didn't go lucid--I thought it was real. Strange.

Ma kicked everything off the footstool last night, then promptly went back to sleep. :/ She didn't even remember doing it. Must have had a leg spasm. That was very weird and annoying.

Now she just got up to go to the bathroom and ran into the table. >_<

I've been reading the works of Clark Ashton Smith online lately. He was a contemporary and friend of Lovecraft, and they often collaborated, borrowing each other's characters and storylines. And I'm even noticing the borrowings in the Lovecraft revisions I'm reading! The one I'm on right now just mentioned "Averoigne," which Smith wrote a lot of stories about; interesting. Strangely, the site I'm reading these on sometimes has the texts available in their entirety, while other days it has just the first paragraph or so and says that since it's in publication you have to buy the book to read it. It's like they can't make up their minds. They don't even make note of such changes in their news section. I only found out when one day I went there to read the story I'd started on the day before and suddenly it wasn't available. (So I saved all the CACHED pages from Google. Phhbbttt.) But then it was available again. :/ Weird. He's very wordy...like Lovecraft...but even Lovecraft's a little easier to understand...sometimes you just want to grab him by the lapels and shake him and yell, "USE NORMAL WORDS!!" because it's like Smith goes out of his way to use big weird words when smaller more common ones would suffice.

Oh yeah. The ATM. That went tolerably okay, though the machine did freak out a bit when I typed in "240" and paused because I couldn't figure out how to make it say "$240" rather than "$2.40." "DO YOU NEED MORE TIME?!" it demanded with an annoying beep-beep-beep, and I said YES DAMMIT I NEED MORE TIME. Ma solved this by typing in..."24000." Duh. Need to remember that. I should have had like $24 left in there...but it said I had over $150 left! :? How the hell did that happen?? It was supposed to be $264! None of us have any clue where that extra money came from! And it quite peeved me no end that I didn't take it out. I guess I'll have to remove it this week. Ugh.

I probably had something else I really wanted to take note of but as always I can't remember it, and I have to go feed the birds now. Sorry that I STILL haven't replied to some comments I've gotten...but I did read them and appreciate them, and still intend to reply, I'm just never sure when. I'm sorry if that's peeving anybody, it's honestly nothing personal. It's just hard for me to formulate the right replies. -_-