08-09-06 @ 7:11 am EDT

Not much to say, as not much really went on this time. Grandma B. wasn't available so Grandma H. had to drive me...I called up Ma after I got back home and told her in no uncertain terms that I never, ever want to ride while Grandma H. drives ever again. She's a very nice lady, but...I don't want to be rude or get her in trouble, so I'll just say that I've never been afraid of riding in cars, but I was afraid yesterday. I was shaking when I got to the psychologist's office and when I finally got back home. I've never prayed during car rides before. I hope we can find some way to work this out because I CANNOT ride with her driving again. >_< I'm not even kidding.

Anyway...I'd brought the entries "Ten" and "Eleven & Twelve" since I hadn't brought "Ten" the last time, as well as the dreams I'd had since then...most of the session simply consisted of her silently thumbing through those and me staring at the floor. I could tell she was overwhelmed by how much I write. She didn't express irritation or anything but she did say a couple of times that it would take her some time to read it and I hate that. Not that it would take her time, but that *I* take her time. See? Even in therapy my writing is just too damn long. Everybody, even the people who hate long writing, insists that writing a lot is such a great and enviable thing, but it isn't. Nowadays I honestly wish I just didn't write much at all. At least I wouldn't be bothering people with how much I write. You (hypothetical "you," no one in particular) might think it's so awe inspiring to be able to write hundreds of thousands of words, and hundreds of chapters, and scores of novellas seemingly out of nowhere--but just how great is it when the vast majority of it is simply too long for the rest of the world...? Many days I wish I were just good at drawing or something because at least people never look at a drawing and say, "It's too big, I can't look at it all." I wish I were good in some medium that people actually have time and interest for.

So I felt incredibly stupid to have taken up so much of her time...I wanted to apologize, even, for not being able to think of anything really to talk about and for forcing her to have to look through those papers in the hopes of sparking a conversation. There were these big long silences. -_- I didn't say anything unprompted. I know she finds that irritating or frustrating because what's the point of going to therapy if you're not going to say anything? I'm just used to not talking to people. I CAN'T start talking or conversing; somebody else has to start it, and even keep it going, because as soon as I answer all the questions asked, I'm not going to be able to contribute any of my own, no matter how rude it is not to. At least a couple of people in the past have mentioned how I'm sort of a "conversation killer"; I never attempt to take a conversation further once I've answered the other person's basic questions. I know it's true. And I don't really feel like changing it because I've learned not to converse lest I bore people; simple as that. So what use are these sessions when they're just big long silences? I hate how frustrating and wearisome a patient I must be. -_-

She liked that I mentioned an unpleasant incident regarding our cold water handle breaking when I came in and she first asked if anything had happened during the week, though it was of little consequence...I couldn't get myself to bring up all the other things that incident triggered in me. The cold water handle broke so that I couldn't turn off the water, and I had to call Ma at work, who had to come home and then call Dad at work, and we ended up having to shut off the water so the tank ran out before it stopped flowing. I was sure Dad was going to be mad at me, but he called back to let me know he wasn't...still, I spent most of the morning crying and thinking about how everything falls apart around me, and about how useless I am. Breaking a tub handle reminds me of how I shouldn't even be here to break a tub handle in the first place--I should be out working, living on my own, having a family. Not sitting at home, trying to make tea, and crying over pouring water...and bothering both parents at work.

She asked a few times if anything else came up during the week but it's such an open-ended question that I can't answer. I didn't mention how my brother's got a lucrative eBay business going on, selling carved sticks and such like my dad does...how my own pathetic attempts at selling those handmade pendants that people say are SO pretty I should try to sell them have utterly failed, as apparently people think they're pretty, just not pretty enough to buy...how much that hurts that my brother has yet again trumped me and proven himself useful, while even when I try, I can't do a thing. I did tell her, when she asked how my depression was doing, that I feel useless, but I didn't really go into detail about how much. I didn't see the point. I'm tired of people saying to try yet whenever I do nothing changes. I was the one who was so promising when I was in school...what happened to all of that? My brother's always been ahead of me, all the way. I haven't found one thing of use to do. I wish I had some kind of talent that was actually useful.

She said that more seems to go on in my dreams than in my real life...I said that's rather pathetic, and it is.

She asked if I've heard from Dianne yet...I haven't...it's been almost a month now. Even the psychologist commented that it's seemed like a long time, and asked how that made me feel. Thing is, by now, I no longer even expect mail. For the first letter or two I was anxious to receive a reply, but by now I'm just so resigned to it dying out sooner or later that it even keeps slipping my mind that she wrote to me at all. Even if she does reply (it usually takes her a while as it is), I'm just resigned to it not lasting long...that's simply how it is.

When I'd first shown up, another guy had attempted going into her office at the same time as me, thinking it was time for HIS appointment...turns out it was the wrong day for him, but she asked how that had made me feel, and it had made me feel awful because I couldn't help but wonder, what if it really HAD been the day for his appointment, and she'd rescheduled it because of me...? She said he just tends to forget when his appointments are, but I can't help but wonder if I was really the cause.

There wasn't very much else...just general things like that.

What I'm more worried about now is the effect these sessions are having on Ma. Whenever I tell her the date and time of the next appointment, she always rolls her eyes and gets this incredibly exasperated, frustrated look. I know it's difficult for her to keep arranging her schedule around this, and it's sometimes impossible. The only other people I have to drive me are my grandmothers--and now that Grandma H. is out of the picture, that leaves only my Grandma B., who isn't always available. Ma can't get away from the shop in the morning, and even 12:30 (time of the next appointment) is too early for her; Grandma B. might be able to do it, but that's just next week--what after that, and after that?

I asked Ma outright if she would prefer if I just stopped going to therapy. She said no, but only with great reluctance. She's been missing a lot of time from work because of this, and this is exactly what I DIDN'T want to happen. I only went through with this therapy because I wanted to help pay our bills--and now I'm just making it worse, like I always do. I HATE that I'm doing this. It just makes me feel worse. Therapy will never help as long as I know I'm just being that much more of a burden on my family, and at the moment, that's all that I'm doing. It hurts me every time I tell her when my next appointment is and I see the irritation and frustration in her eyes. I'd rather just go off the meds (lot of good they're doing anyway), sit at home in my room, and cry every night than keep putting her through this. It's not much different from what I expect will happen soon enough anyway. They surely won't keep me in therapy if I never do anything to get better.

So I really don't know what to do about this. I hate putting all this strain on her and her job but I have no other way of getting to the appointments. I can't seem to win no matter what I do. -_-

And gas prices are going up yet again.