08-16-06 @ 7:41 am EDT

Well, I'm typing this up on a big new monitor which I shelled out for...a big flatscreen since Ma was insistent on something not so clunky, though that's silly if you ask me, because it's not like one takes monitors out for walks or anything. But at least it works better than I thought and isn't ready to die on me like the old one was. Everything is really big and crystal clear, though if you're in the other room and you look toward the monitor from an angle, it looks all browned out. It has two burnt-out pixels, a green one and a blue one, but they're only noticeable on a dark background so...*shrug*

Anyway...the last two sessions I didn't cry, which Psychologist commented on, but this time I did again...I guess one has to ask the right "trigger questions" to make me cry. There were the Standard Questions...anything happen this past week? being the primary one. As it happens, Ma and I had gotten into a fight not long after I typed up my last entry, about that exact subject, regarding rides to the appointments, and that had made me feel very miserable the rest of that day. I'm trying not to be down on Ma because I know she really means no harm by what she says. But it really frustrates and hurts me when she says certain things. The matter of the difficulty of her driving me to sessions came up and she said I should just talk to the psychologist about this. I said how I have trouble speaking up whatsoever when I'm in there, especially when it comes to complaining about something like scheduling--as I see it, I'm ALREADY being burdensome and annoying, no matter what time the appointments are at, so I feel I have no right to complain about WHEN the appointments are. Ma took issue with this--as well she had right to--but she did so by saying, "Well, just SPEAK UP about it!"

When I started to get upset and informed her that she's been doing this repeatedly, she claimed not to even remember. But recently, we had to call the cable company to report an outage, and Ma's response was, of course, "Just CALL them!" She does this a lot--"Just call them!" "Just speak up!" "Just stop worrying about it!" These, to me, are the equivalent of two things: the command "Just get over it!" (she apparently disagreed because she insisted that was NOT what she'd said, but she really has said this in the past, just using various words), and an indication of a degree of disbelief in the severity of my problem. This comment really hurt me, and led to a shouting match and then a bunch of crying (most of which she didn't see), because whenever she says, "Just (insert command here)!" it sounds like she doesn't believe that I really have much of a problem. That word, "just," implies that whatever follows should be so easy that it's ridiculous that it's even an issue for me. And the command to do these things, when she knows I'm IN THERAPY because I CAN'T do these things, is really hurtful because to me it says, "Well, you don't really have much of a problem and it's silly to be so worried about such stupid things; just do it!" This is doubly hurtful because I'm right here in therapy right now and she still can't seem to see how difficult this is for me--I'll even say impossible, though I know most people would disagree. While I understand that she can't possibly know the extent of what I'm feeling, I wish she would not write it off or dismiss it as so trivial, especially when she must KNOW how troublesome it is for me--why else am I seeking disability?

So...that argument really hurt me, but it was left unresolved because she had to go to work and we didn't bring it up again. Psychologist asked how it had made me feel and I said "hurt." She asked if it was still an issue with us; and while Ma seems to have blown past it, and we're on okay terms, it's still obviously something that niggles at my mind and which I fear coming up again. You see, people around me seem to move past things quite easily. I might SEEM to move past them, but I don't. In truth I remember all these incidents and just store them away in the back of my head because it's not worth the trouble of bringing them up again. What everyone else sees as matters that are dead and gone are, to me, just matters that still bother me and are unresolved, but what's the point in dragging it out again? I bite down a lot of things because it only seems to lead to trouble when I try to explain why something's bothering me. Maybe one reason why I don't feel like talking up in sessions. I noticed one thought running through my mind a lot. When Psychologist mentioned that doing such things as Ma said I should do WAS within my power with some work, all I kept thinking was, "What's the point in arguing, just keep quiet." So instead of telling her again how I don't see the point in trying I just kept my mouth shut. It's easier to bite my tongue and let the other party win the point than to argue my case.

She asked if I'd heard yet from Dianne, which I finally did...I read only a few lines of it. It appears that Dianne herself was wondering why it had taken me so long to write, when my letter finally arrived. Even though we both live in the same city, my letter apparently took almost two weeks to reach her, I believe. This postal system is utterly stupid. I can pay for something on eBay and my money order will get to California in three days but a letter to somebody in the SAME CITY as me takes almost two weeks? Something is definitely wrong there. So that accounted for the delay. Psychologist asked if I'd written back yet and I had to admit that I hadn't even read the thing yet. When she asked why, I said it was because I'm afraid of having nothing to say. That's not the entire reason, but it's part of it. Whenever I finally DO get the courage to read things to me, all I can keep thinking is how stupid and trite all my replies will be. I'm terrified of people seeing through my forced politeness and thinking, "She's bored of this and doesn't feel like writing anymore." It's not really that I'm BORED, it's just that most of people's experience isn't really what I'm into. Honestly, all I'm really into is writing fantasy and reading mythology and stuff. I'm not even really into talking about my anxiety and stuff, as hard as that may be to believe. I remember when I tried the penpal sites and would always request people interested in fantasy writing to reply, I'd also mention how I was very anxious and might take a while to respond. No fantasy writers ever replied to me, but every so often I'd get somebody saying, "I have anxiety too, let's write!" And I just never really wanted to. :/ That's a reason why I don't bother with anxiety forums and stuff...I just don't feel like hashing it over much outside my journal. *shrug*

But anyway...I'm always afraid of people seeing through my forced courtesy of replying to their comments...and my habit of communicating with people by bringing up incidents in my own life just irritates me. It makes me sound so self-centered. "Oh, such-and-such happened to you? Well, something like that happened to me..." I wish I were able to talk more with people about THEMSELVES, but it's something I just seem unable to do. My attention peters out and I honestly don't feel like asking other people about themselves, unless it's on subjects I'm interested in. Which is never. I'm literally afraid that after Dianne and I move past all the "How are you?"s and "What's happening?"s, we'll just have nothing left to say. That, and the fear of struggling to put everything in the right words...those keep me from replying to people promptly. I owe a nice person an e-mail from like a month or more ago...it's somebody I'd like to write to more but they're probably thinking I'm an ass by now... -_-

She said maybe that could be a goal for next week, writing a letter to Dianne, since whenever she asks if I can think of a goal for next time all I can ever say is, "I can't think of anything." I don't want to make a goal that I'll likely not keep. I hate making false promises, no matter how well intentioned. I'm just being realistic.

She looked over the entry "Thirteen" (she never did mention anything from the previous entries...they were probably too long to read) and said that I seem to contradict myself, in that I really want attention from others, but also don't want to take up anyone's time. I was thinking, "Why bother explaining," so I said nothing. I really DO want attention from people, I just feel I don't DESERVE it. And the attention I do want, I don't want it to be forced or in response to my whining and such. Since I whine all the time, I figure that any attention I get is in response to that, and that makes me feel bad. When someone writes to me out of the blue, apparently unknowing of all my whining in Skew and such, I usually respond to them more cheerfully and openly, whereas if someone writes in response to my journal entries or one of my writing diatribes, I always feel very awkward and don't want to bother them further. I hope that explains some things.

She asked if I could think of a reason WHY I'm so afraid of everything...I once again had to say I don't know. I've just always been this way. She said most people have some possible traumatic reason for being so afraid but all I could do was shrug and say I wasn't aware of any. To this she said that once in a while people don't remember a reason, because they've repressed it. I said nothing to that. I bet she would have a lot to say about Detective Kristeva or TAC.

She saw at the end of the last entry how upset I was regarding the schedule and how it interferes with Ma's work time, and asked if it might help if she talked with Ma about it herself. I felt reluctant about that for some reason but finally said it probably would. Before we left, she said that perhaps I write so much because I don't talk very much, to which I nodded; to this she said she'd been reading some about art therapy and wondered if that might be able to help me. :/ I honestly don't see how drawing something could help me (see what a world of good WRITING is doing?) so I figure she's searching around for SOME idea that might get through to me, since nothing seems to be working. I have this looming thought that whenever the time of my appointment comes around on the schedule, she looks at it and rolls her eyes and groans and thinks, "God, THAT patient again..." because I'm so...well...for lack of a better word, unmotivated. Even if I'm not foaming at the mouth and screaming and bouncing off the walls, all I do is sit and cry and mope, and that has to at least be terribly dreary and wearying. I already know I'm nowhere near a promising patient, and I hate wasting people's time. I honestly view myself as a lost cause so I hate the thought that here she is, trying to think up all these different ideas to get through to me, and one after another they're failing. It just feels like it would be the more polite thing to do to quit early and save her the time and trouble. I really never had plans of actually going through with therapy for any extended period of time for this very reason. -_-

But anyway...she asked if I'd be willing to give art therapy a try and I nodded though I already view it as pointless. I'll draw a few pictures, feel no different from before, then she'll have to think of another idea that won't work on me...in addition I already feel anxious because I'm not very good at drawing. I know people will argue with that, but the drawings I do have are nowhere near the way I feel I SHOULD be able to draw, so in my mind, I don't draw very well. God, I hope she doesn't ask me to do a self-portrait. If she does I'm going to draw a dead tree.

We went back out to the waiting room and she talked briefly with Ma about what would be better for her schedule; Ma prefers it around 2 or 2:30. So next week is still at 12:30 but after that Psychologist said she would try to work it in for later. That seemed to placate Ma somewhat as that's when she takes her lunch break, I guess. On the way home when it came up she appeared to have been misunderstanding the reason for why I've been so upset about all this. She thought I was primarily upset because I didn't want an appointment later in the day because it messes with my sleep schedule. And that's PARTLY true. But the MAIN reason why it's been upsetting me is because I hated how it was inconveniencing HER. I had to try to explain a few times that the reason why I'd been so upset was because I hated how my appointments were making her miss work, and that the reason why I'd asked if she'd prefer if I just stop therapy was because I hated how it was wearing on HER. Even so, I had to put this in a few different ways so she would understand it because it was hard to explain it right. I have this impression that she thought I was more upset about myself being inconvenienced when it was actually the other way around. She's not DENSE...she just doesn't seem to string thoughts together in the same way that I do. The same goes for most other people; I bet almost all my disagreements stem from inabilities to figure out the other's thought processes correctly. Why else all my trouble with people promising me something and then when I get upset they get pissed off that I took that literally? That happens way too often to be coincidence...

Crud, I don't know that I'm going to have time to write today. :( I hate missing two days in a row. I really should take a break though to take notes on EFMI.

Spider Mother was still hanging out in the mailbox as of yesterday...though another mother spider who just had a hatch on the inside window of our back porch door seems to have vanished, along with all of her newly hatched babies. I wonder where they went. The other day I was sitting on my bed reading and just happened to look up and notice a HUGE SPIDER just sitting there on my clothes on the pillow. I had to carefully shoo it away...where are all these spiders coming from lately?? I know they've always BEEN here, but it's almost like they're...I don't know, around more often. When I went to check on Spider Mother a day or so ago there were TWO daddy longlegs hanging out on the mailbox and another little spider on the mailbox door. It's like we have entire apartment complexes and neighborhoods of them in our house alone, all just minding their spider business.

Yesterday I spent way too long online, as usual, after getting caught up in one of those meandering searches inspired by something that had little to do with it in the first place...at DeviantArt I crossed a photomanip of some weird nurses inspired by the movie Silent Hill, and seeing as I'd seen another weird picture there inspired by that, I finally went to Google, which led me to Wikipedia articles that gave long summaries of the movie and the games. The Silent Hill movie entry mentioned a coal mining town in Pennsylvania called Centralia and an underground coal fire that they've had burning there...for the past forty years. And there's enough in the vein to last it about 250 years. O_O ! A forty-year underground fire?? I just last night got to look up a bit more on this and Centralia isn't unique; the oldest underground coal fire is some place called Burning Mountain or something in Australia, I think, which has been going on for SIX THOUSAND YEARS! Now that's just FREAKY! How come one never hears about these things on the Discovery Channel?? All the time they're showing this utterly inane DREK about motorcycle makeovers and tattoo parlors and crap and there are DECADES-OLD UNDERGROUND FIRES going on...imagine what other weird things out there I haven't heard/read about yet. Anyway, that's the weird thing I learned about lately. Go to Google and type in "Centralia" and see what pops up. There are pictures of smoke pouring out of cracked roads and such...eerie. Only twelve people live in that town now.

No, I have not seen or played Silent Hill and likely never will because I don't like most horror movies (the nudity turns me off) and don't play video games...just thought I'd mention that...everything I know about Silent Hill I just learned from Wikipedia yesterday.

I guess I should mention this too. Supposedly a "terrorism plot" to blow up the Mackinac Bridge was recently foiled, though I heard that the suspects had to be let go because of lack of evidence...apparently they'd bought a bunch of cell phones at Wal-Marts, which can be used to detonate things (the cell phones, not the Wal-Marts, ha ha). I was told though that cell phone batteries can also be used to manufacture meth so if you ask me these guys were probably going to open a meth lab and sell that to fund overseas terrorism, ha ha, because blowing up the Mackinac Bridge is just...utterly inane. Sorry to use the phrase "utterly inane" twice in one entry. Most people outside of Michigan have never even HEARD of the Mackinac Bridge, and if they have, they probably don't even know how to pronounce it. Oh my God--they have CUT OFF UPPER MICHIGAN FROM LOWER MICHIGAN!! *horror* But anyway. If they REALLY wanted to cause havoc, they would blow it up on Labor Day. THAT would be an incredible mess...no sane person wants to be anywhere near that bridge on Labor Day...

I believe they were just isolated yahoos anyway, not big-time terrorists...it's kind of funny though, considering that I had a dream about Hezbollah attacking small US cities recently.

I had a Lovecraftian dream yesterday in which I ventured into my basement (it was meant to be someone else's basement) and began searching around for old papers and manuscripts, because in real life I just finished The Watchers Out Of Time by Lovecraft/Derleth, and it's like almost every story is about some guy inheriting a big old house from some supposedly deceased relative and only then does he discover all the weird books and diaries within and learns that the house and his family possess an awful secret yadda yadda yadda then Cthulhu or Hastur or Yog-Sothoth or some other comes along and all crap breaks loose and everybody goes mad or gets killed and the world ends. Honestly, I've just discovered this about Lovecraftian stories. If you inherit a big old house from some deceased eccentric relative and his will orders you to destroy the house or its books or its big weird window, DO IT, because crap will happen if you don't and then you'll go mad or get killed and Cthulhu or Hastur or Yog-Sothoth or somebody will arrive and the world will end. But anyway, in my dream I went into the basement and started looking for old newspapers and journal entries left by the previous owner because I knew I'd find eldritch forbidden secrets but I didn't get to look very much before the dream was interrupted, so so much for that.

Now I'm reading Derleth's The Mask Of Cthulhu and I'm looking forward to all the big old houses and idiot people who just have to look at weird books with names like R'lyeh Text and Necronomicon and Book Of Eibon etc. and then go and talk with the backwards folk in Dunwich before being killed by the Deep Ones or going mad after seeing things through big weird windows or whatever.