08-23-06 @ 7:12 am EDT

Oops...almost forgot to write this up. o_o

Well...fifteen...I'm actually blank now. :/ Hm. That isn't to say nothing happened, just that I'm blank. There were a few of the Standard Questions and Psychologist asked if I'd done anything or if anything had happened during the week; Ma and I had gone to the antiques fair last week, which was about it. It was okay, but kind of boring and I didn't get anything, like last year; I figure I probably won't go next year after two years of it being blah. Ma did get Dad Band Of Brothers, which I thought he might not like, but he said he was interested in it so that was nice. So that was my getting out for the week.

She asked if I'd written back to Dianne and I had...I probably would have kept putting that off if she hadn't prompted me to do it. Poor Dianne. -_- I ended up typing the letter because even though I like writing by hand, I find that I tend to have to do it in "sessions" and it takes me forever. When typing, I often have to sit and stare off into space for periods but at least I don't walk away for, like, a week. (Usually. Okay, sometimes.) So I typed up the letter and sent that the day before the session. I made sure to tell Dianne I was sorry for taking so damned long. -_-

For some reason that I can't remember she asked if I'd had any occasion to use the phone and I mentioned calling Ma's boss at work. This was only out of worry on my part. I woke up one day during the week to have Dad inform me that my maternal grandmother (Grandma B., the okay driver, as opposed to Grandma H., the bad driver) had collapsed and been taken to the hospital. :( This worried me greatly. I'm not terribly close to her, but she's Ma's mother, and I know Ma was upset that she didn't get to go visit Grandpa B. one more time before he died. So I was feeling more worried for Ma. Just the day before this I'd suggested that she go visit Grandma that very day, in fact, because Grandma was laid up with pneumonia. I went back to bed, but the worry was getting to me so much that I finally got back up and went to call Ma at work just to make sure she'd heard the news. I got her boss, who said that she'd already gone, so apparently she knew. Psychologist said this was good and asked if it made me nervous but I was more worried about Ma so I didn't think of that as much. I forgot to mention that I often call her place of work anyway to remind her of things or tell her to pick something up or whatnot. Incidentally, Ma told me afterwards that her boss had said I sounded polite and "I actually felt like having a conversation with her!" o_o ? Hm...maybe worry makes me sound nicer...?

(Oh. Grandma is doing somewhat better now, BTW. She was dehydrated from feeling sick.)

Much of the session, oddly, focused on the dreams I'd printed out for her last time. These were "Learning To Disappear," "Steppin' Out, Steppin' In, AKA Not-So-Cold Feet," and "Don't Mind Me..." (For anyone who ever might be interested in seeing this stuff, it's all posted at http://tehuti.dreamjournal.org/ , eventually. I don't think I've posted these dreams yet though; will have to do that soon.) The first dream, to summarize, featured me feeling angry about being ignored at a family gathering, so I went and hid so I would worry my parents when they wouldn't be able to find me. As soon as people started noticing my absence, I tried to catch their attention by yelling and waving, but nobody could see me. A mirror then appeared and I saw I had no reflection--I really had disappeared. Sounds like a Twilight Zone episode, doesn't it? The second dream featured me taking care of a little boy I'd accidentally hurt, then stepping out into an icy lake because I really wanted to stick my feet in the water, only to find that the water wasn't nearly as cold or unpleasant as I'd expected. The third dream featured me going into a public bathroom only to find a she-wolf lying on a couch within; I carefully worked my way around her to use the bathroom, but she didn't bother me in the least. The first dream upset me while the latter two I found moderately pleasant.

Well, Psychologist was intrigued by these dreams and asked if I knew what they meant. "Learning To Disappear," IMO, is pretty obvious. I was feeling ignored and wanted to manipulate the situation by making the people who were ignoring me worry; well, I did so and got my wish, just not in the way I'd planned. She asked if I felt that way in real life and my answer was yes. I didn't really know about the meaning of the latter two dreams, though.

She offered her own ideas. She noted how I was reluctant to step into the icy water in the second dream, but did so anyway and found that it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. The dream with the wolf was much similar, though I hadn't really noticed--I'd feared that this wolf might be dangerous, but once I'd faced her and worked my way around her, the situation hadn't ended up so bad after all. She suggested that these two dreams might be referring to my own fears of interacting with people. Maybe once I actually faced this fear, she said, I would find it would be like the dreams and it wouldn't be as bad as I'd thought it would be.

WELL...on the one hand, yes, those interpretations make sense, and in fact are the only interpretations which really DO make sense to me. (Though I mull over additional Jungian ideas regarding water equalling the subconscious and maybe the she-wolf was a Shadow part of myself, etc. etc. bla bla bla...) HOWEVER, as I mentioned when she asked if this made sense, "They're only dreams." She seemed to take that to mean that I was writing them off as meaningless because she said, "Well, dreams are often things that our subconscious is trying to tell us," which I fully believe, but what I had meant was, we always act much differently in dreams from the way we do in real life. Dreams, in a way, are like wants. Just because we dream something or want something doesn't mean we can attain it. I've had dreams where I've faced people down, fought off bad guys, saved people's lives, and those are all things I'd like to be able to do. I just don't think it's possible. Dreams are also highly compensatory, IMO. In them, we make up for what we lack in real life.

When she started bringing this up I began crying again. Earlier she'd seen my journal reference to "trigger questions" and had asked what those were, to which I had to admit I didn't know; I only know when I start crying. *shrug* "What do you think it was I asked that triggered this...?" she asked when I started crying. When I couldn't answer that she added, "How are you feeling right now?"

I was going to say, "Useless," but that didn't convey what I was thinking. I at last murmured, "No point." That's not an emotion >_< but the word "Hopeless" slipped my mind for some reason. She asked what I meant by this and I said again how I've already tried in the past to form relationships with people, and I didn't see the point in continuing to try. She mentioned how in my entries it sounds like I'm not very enthusiastic about being in therapy... -_- I really hate this feeling of wasting her time. It really is the truth that I never intended seeking ongoing therapy. I'm not saying I DISLIKE it, or that I don't NEED help, I'm only saying that I've reached a point where I consider myself beyond helping. So of course, when she asks me why I'm there or what I'd like to do to help myself, it makes me feel very lousy, because I really never intended to do anything. I hate that this attitude conveys either a sense of me wasting her time or malingering; I hate the first thought, and I'm hoping it's obvious that the second isn't true. I just kind of got stuck in this because I hate rocking boats and didn't wish to be rude and speak up and say that no, I don't want to be here. Because that's not entirely true...I just don't feel capable of improving. I'm not sure how to explain it. When she asked I said I'd LIKE to be better, I just don't believe it will happen. I guess that's the best way I can put it.

"Is this the best you see your life as being?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes." Face it...back in 2003 when I started paper journaling I was miserable and thought it couldn't get worse, but take a look, it did, and it just kept going downhill. Every time I think it can't get any lousier, it somehow does. -_-

It went on in this vein for a bit, me crying a lot, until she finally asked if it would be okay if I would draw a picture. I was wondering when that would come up. :/ "I'm not sure how well I'd do," I murmured. She asked what my favorite color was and I took that to mean she was talking about crayons. Urgh! >_< Turns out it was paper. She chose green and handed me a piece of paper on a notepad, and I decided to use my pencil instead of her pen. I had kind of been hoping that when she asked me to draw something, I could take it home and do it, because I get really antsy and nervous when people watch me draw for some reason. :/

"I'd like you to draw a bridge," she said. "Any kind, it doesn't matter."

I paused for a moment when two images flashed in my mind--a little stone bridge, and a big suspension bridge--the Mackinac Bridge, duh. Which to draw? I finally settled on the Mac because a little stone bridge would be harder to draw, and she already knows I'm into Mackinac things, so I figured, draw the Mackinac Bridge. So in the upper left corner I drew a little stylized (i. e., really sketchy and simplified because I suck at drawing architecture) suspension bridge with four supports and two towers, with water below it, cables and everything. This took me, like, less than a minute. I had already finished it when she said, "Sometime during this, please draw yourself somewhere in relation to this bridge," and after another pause I looked down at my drawing. Well...it was the Mackinac Bridge, and the Mackinac Bridge is HUGE. It's five miles long. I wouldn't even be visible in relation to it. :/ So I ended up doing this itty-bitty, tiny little dark dot with a head near the left side of the bridge. I thought, "I can already see what's coming; she'll see how tiny and insignificant I've drawn myself in relation to this huge, imposing bridge." When in truth, I should have been even tinier than that, I just wouldn't be able to draw anything that small. o_o

That took me like another second to do. But I think she wasn't aware that I'd finished, because there then followed this BIG, LONG LULL in which she seemed to be taking notes and organizing my papers and such...at least I HOPE she was, because if she was sitting there waiting for me to finish, I would feel very lousy. As it was I sat there with this pad of paper and my pencil, my eyes wandering along the floor, biting my lip, shifting my feet, wondering how long this was going to take, when she would have me draw something else. I even eventually put my pencil in my lap because I thought maybe, as long as I was holding it, she thought I was still drawing...that resulted in no change. I thought maybe the way I kept looking around the room and biting my lip made her think I was mulling over what to draw when in fact I'd finished long ago! The silence just went ON and ON. >_<;;; I kept wanting to speak up and say, "Um, I drew it," but I really hated speaking up, so just sat there and did nothing. UGH it was awful!! It must have gone on for like at least five minutes, and that may not seem like much but when you're like me it feels like a half hour. >_< At last--I can't even remember how or when--she asked if I was done and I nodded and handed it over, feeling quite stupid. I thought she was going to take it with her and we would talk about it next time or even not talk about it at all, because I remember drawing pictures back when I was seeing Mrs. R., my old psychologist from high school.

*FLASHBACK SEQUENCE*

Early on when I started seeing Mrs. R., she had me draw a sequence of pictures. I looked at some pictures she provided me and she asked me to copy them. One had some dots in it, in the shape of a horseshoe; I can't recall the rest but they were along those lines, random little patterns with not much meaning. She took these and put them away and I didn't hear more of them until I'd been seeing her for a while, had been diagnosed with OCD, and had been put on Prozac and BuSpar. She then gave me the same drawings and told me to copy them again. I did so. After this was done, she presented me with both sets of the copies I'd made, for comparison. I was honestly surprised. My early drawings...were really anal. I was really precise in how I'd measured distances, and I'd even counted the dots in the horseshoe shape so I made them exactly the same. My newer drawings were sloppier, for want of a better word; I'd just drawn basically what I'd seen, without really taking precision into account. Writing it down that way, that sounds kind of like a bad thing, but she took it as a sign that I had eased up on my obsessive tendencies somewhat due to the medication, and I do think that I did, at least a little. At least, I wasn't quite as tense when doing the drawings. Mrs. R. had put these drawings away for a long time and had not said a word of them or their meaning to me until much later on, when change was obvious.

*END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE*

Well, I figured that's what this would be like--she would take my drawing (I was surprised that I'd been asked to do only one, and felt kind of dumb because, expecting that I'd need to do several on the page, I'd drawn the bridge way up small in the left corner--I wondered, even, if its size and position on the page would be taken as signs of anything), put it away, and I wouldn't hear about its potential meaning until much later, or not even at all--you know, like psychiatric records. But she proceeded to talk about what it might mean right while I was there. "This looks like a suspension bridge," she said. "Like the Mackinac Bridge. Is that what you had in mind?"

I nodded; what else?

"And this here, this is you?"

I nodded.

"It has supports and everything, and there's water...could you draw an arrow to point out what direction you're heading in?"

:/ I took the drawing back and drew an arrow pointing right--meaning the bulk of the bridge lay ahead of me. For some reason I took this to mean I was headed toward St. Ignace, away from Mackinaw City and Cheboygan, not that I figured that really meant anything...just that I was walking across the bridge. *shrug* I didn't say that though.

I figured she would notice that most of the bridge was ahead of me, meaning I was at the beginning of something and I had a long way to go--meaning, I felt I wasn't really getting anywhere and the hardest parts lay ahead of me. Crap, have I read too much about psychology?? But she didn't bring that up at all. In fact, she pointed out two things only, neither of which I'd thought about.

"So you're heading this way," she said. "Which means you're moving, and you're making progress...that's a good thing. Bridges can represent transition, you know, and it's good that you're moving along."

o_o Well...in honesty I had drawn the arrow only because she'd asked which direction I was moving in, and I figured that meant I had to be moving. My first thought was to draw an arrow pointing down into the water, but that would have looked suicidal, ha ha, polite laugh. Truthfully, when I drew the picture I imagined myself as just standing there, looking over the edge...not really moving anywhere.

"The bridge has supports to hold it up," she said secondly. "Meaning it won't fall down. Who do you think are your supports in life?"

o_o; Well...*grimace*...I'd only drawn the supports because, bridges have supports...it would be silly to draw a bridge without them, and it wouldn't look like a bridge. I drew them only taking the technical aspects of a suspension bridge into account. I could only shrug because I had no clue how to answer her question. Now I believe that if I were to draw "my" bridge...it would be like collapsed or underwater or something! Not much of a bridge at all. Urgh, I felt rather stupid. >_<

"We should have started this a little earlier," she said. "We can do more of these the next time." So that was pretty much it.

The appointment for next time was scheduled for 2:30 to better fit in with Ma's schedule...on the way out, Psychologist called, "Keep writing!" to which Ma said, "That's the one thing she NEVER stops doing!"

>_<; Well...in truth, I have stopped doing it, for about the past week. *hatessayingthis* I got kind of stuck on EFMI:155--you recall last week when I mentioned I didn't think I'd have time to write? I decided to put it on temporary hold. I could always work on something ELSE, but at the moment I really just didn't feel like it. I know that I COULD keep going on EFMI if I really forced myself to, but the writing would be really sub-par...well, not that it's stellar to begin with, but I hate forcing my writing. I thought, as long as I'm taking a break, I may as well give myself a good reason, and put EFMI on hold to take notes on the earlier chapters since I have lost so much track of that story. I honestly don't REMEMBER writing most of this stuff! So I haven't written any fiction in over a week now... -_- I really hate saying that. I still feel guilty not writing. I do hope this notetaking helps me get the story back on track so I can begin writing and have it feel easy again. There was a time back then for a month or so when the writing was flowing so easily, I wish I could have that again. I'm just afraid that I'm committing all these horrible plot errors. I really must learn to keep notes from the beginning of things.

So that's my guilty confession. -_- Unfortunately I can only seem to take notes for two chapters a day, and I'm only around Part 80, I think, about halfway through...ugh. I don't know if I'll wait until I'm done taking notes before starting writing again, or starting up before that and doing both in conjunction. Probably the latter, though I'd really need to shuffle my time around because it's sorely lacking as it is.

I haven't had much time to do other things because, get this, I have been READING TOO MUCH. Ironic, isn't it? I finally gain enough of an attention span to read more than a couple of pages a day, and end up reading so damn much that I don't have time to journal, draw, write, reply to e-mails, etc. Ugh. So I should really try limiting myself on THAT too, like I had to do with my writing. Irritating. I'm currently reading The Trail Of Cthulhu (The Mask Of Cthulhu--just like I expected--featured all these stories with people INHERITING HOUSES! I wonder if poor August Derleth ever realized he kept writing the same story over and over again?), and after that I'll be done with all my Lovecraft collaborations and will start on pure Lovecraft itself. I have three big omnibus volumes of his various works...*drool* Then I have the three Brian Lumley "Titus Crow" books which I bought in college...I never did finish those, I can't even remember how they went now. Just that they weren't as captivating as Lovecraft. *shrug*

We ended up having to take that flatscreen monitor back when it malfunctioned--for some reason the screen kept blacking out like it was turning off--we'd turn it off, and it would come back on, but only for a few seconds before blacking out again--and just when I thought I'd fixed it, it worked only as long as I didn't try opening the browser!! What kind of stupid malfunction is THAT? -_- So we exchanged it for another of the same model...which I'm working on now...and I HOPE the dumbass thing keeps working like it's SUPPOSED to. The manual is atrocious; I think it was written by foreigners. It says stuff like, "See the end of Chapter 2," and get this, THERE ARE NO DAMN CHAPTERS IN THE DAMN MANUAL! Cripes! >_< Dumb thing.

Kitty caught a chipmunk again and again I made him let it go; I think it was okay. >_< Dumbass cat.

I haven't seen any red squirrels in ages. :( Where did they all go? I miss them.