08-30-06 @ 7:22 am EDT

(This was written up before I got certain notes which just kind of confuse me even more...I guess I'll find out what's going on eventually.)

I had a good day on Monday actually, which is one of the reasons why that stupid letter I just HAD to get the next day made me feel so awful. I would have felt awful anyway, but it still just strengthens my belief that for every good or okay thing that happens, something lousy will come along to promptly cancel it out. And that's basically what happened.

Ma called the lawyer while I was in session and said that the secretary said SSA "sends those out every so often" while the court hearing is being prepared, and that the lawyer is still gathering material on my case--school records, I think. He already has my attendance and grades from high school so I wasn't sure what she meant; Ma mentioned the high school guidance counselor. He was the one who referred me to this one program, which referred me to Mrs. R., my old psychologist, who referred me to Dr. C., my old psychiatrist, so basically he was the one who got the ball rolling, so to speak. Nothing much ever came of that though. I was also in a sort of "support group" in junior high, but I can't even say that records were even kept for such a thing. I don't have many records because I never really got help. The reason for me GOING into therapy in the first place, because I thought the records I just GOT would do the helping!

It was Dianne who recommended that I seek state disability IN ADDITION TO federal disability, as I believe she's currently on the former and still fighting for the latter (and based on what she's told me, she has far more of a case than I do). The caseworker when I was applying for Medicaid applied me for state disability without us even having to ask her--I guess it was part of the routine. And even Psychologist, in session, stated that she believed I should have been accepted, so from the sound of it, one of these isn't a precursor to the other, you're supposed to be eligible for both. $264 a month helps, but not incredibly much, especially when most of the stuff around your house is breaking. That was another reason that letter pissed me off so much. It seems to be saying that the only reason I was turned down was because I'm already getting help from the state. So the federal government thinks $264 a month is all one needs? No wonder our government SUCKS. They must all be living in fantasyland. And I'm not even living on my own--I hate thinking of all those people who have to struggle on this sort of money ALONE.

A third reason for me being so pissed off? You saw the date on the letter. Over a week ago. This is the COPY sent to me by the ATTORNEY. It says that they sent a letter to ME on the SAME DAY...but I have yet to receive it. Based on Dianne's last mail, I realize the postal system is crap right now, but that still makes little sense, that they mail out two letters at the same time, and one reaches my lawyer first, and he forwards a copy to me, and that gets to me before the letter that was sent STRAIGHT to me! And I know he's busy but I do wish the lawyer would have included a comment of his own in the letter because I assumed this meant he was off my case and that was it. I cried all morning; my eyes still hurt. And it seems like it should be illegal or at least unethical for the federal government to tell someone their case has been denied if it hasn't "really" just yet. Am I denied or not? Is this appeal through with or not? Is this a second appeal the lawyer is supposedly working on? Or is he even working on anything at all? How can I know that it isn't SSA that's turned its back on me, but him? THEY keep saying they'll look into my case and give me a fair hearing, and almost a year into the game they have yet to even try. You have to forgive me for feeling leery of the attorney and other people involved too. It's not like they have much to lose from my losing.

But what angers me most of all is that I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE A COURT HEARING! I don't care HOW piddling they think my case is, or my evidence, or the fact that I'm already getting disability from the state. I've been informed by at least three people so far (Dianne, the lawyer (indirectly), Psychologist) that I should be eligible for BOTH and SSA themselves said I have a RIGHT TO A COURT HEARING. For them to summarily deny my case yet AGAIN while I was supposedly waiting for the court hearing to be scheduled ENRAGES ME! I'm supposed to have the right to present my case myself since they hardly seem to be looking at anything on their own. I filled out their f**king forms in DUPLICATE, I jumped through hoops, I hired an attorney, I went into therapy and on medication, including one I didn't need, I filled out MORE of their stupid-ass forms, I applied for Medicaid, I've spoken with a nurse and a caseworker and a psychologist and a psychiatrist and had all my records released, I've appealed, I've agreed to a court appearance, and..."Sorry, denied"! There is NO F**KING WAY that can be ethical. I realize that what I'm going through must be trivial compared to what other people (Dianne especially, the crap she's been put through alone pisses me off) go through, but this is my case, and I can't believe how unfair and ridiculous this entire thing is. If they say they're going to do something, they could at least DO SOMETHING. Otherwise, they should just SHUT UP.

>_<

Anyway...I HAD been in a good mood, before I got this letter, right the morning of my appointment...so by the time I got there I was still in a bad mood. Usually tears have to work their way out of the eyes but on the ride there they were dripping right out without any difficulty, one after another; it's a wonder my shirt wasn't soaked. Ma tried to make me feel better by saying she was proud of me for what I'd done on Monday (more on that later...might be a bit though because it's going to be a LONG entry), but the letter just nullified all that. Yet again I was reminding myself how stupid it is to feel better about things because you just know they'll be cancelled out eventually.

I didn't wait long before Psychologist called me in and I had to kind of limp my way to her office (again, because of Monday), and sat down staring at the floor like always; but I guess the look on my face and my red eyes were obvious. "You look like you're having kind of a rough morning," she said as she sat down, and I nodded. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"My disability appeal was turned down," I murmured. I don't think I opened my eyes more than halfway throughout this entire session; I must have looked asleep.

She commiserated about this and I explained the letter I'd been sent; she said that she believed I should have been accepted. She asked if I had an attorney and I nodded; she asked his name and I said it, and she reacted as if she'd heard of him. She said she was willing to provide additional info to him if he needed it for the case, which is nice, though I don't know what else there would be to offer...he already got my records because I looked at them, such as they were. She said that it was still early on and I didn't have many records yet, so perhaps that was part of it; I guess, though two people basically said I'm disabled, I can't think of what else SSA would need. :( I guess I'm naive. I mentioned that it sounded like they'd turned me down because I was already getting state disability; she eventually said that I should still be eligible for federal.

My memory is much of a blur...most of the session was spent talking about that and about what I did on Monday. What happened on Monday was I finally went to Mackinac Island...completely on my own. Ferry and everything. The REAL reason why I did this was because Ma's schedule and the weather are such that I was NEVER going to get the chance to go as it was! And I'm supposed to start this week >_< and if we waited until Ma was able to go, it'd probably be too cold and wet, and the leaves are already falling because of the drought in spring (holy crap...I almost spelled that "droubt" O_o )...in short...none of it was working out. Psychologist had suggested me going over there on my own, a thought which I dreaded, but I REALLY LOVE the island and nothing was working out so the Friday after last session when Ma and I were out eating I brought it up. She sounded skeptical, until I mentioned that Psychologist had suggested the idea. Then she perked right up. She said that she could take me over to Mackinaw City in the morning before she left for work, and pick me up after work, which she gets out of around six PM. So I ended up catching the 9:00 or 9:30 ferry, I believe, and then taking the 6:30 back (because I'd misunderstood what she'd said and thought she said she got out at 6:30). Anyway, Monday I spent the day on the island, by myself, and as luck would have it I had to talk to several people while I was there just to get things done. >_< Primarily among them were two people involved in when the batteries in the camera died and I discovered in great panic that the ones Ma had provided me, from the Dollar Tree, didn't work whatsoever. (Never rely on $1 batteries.) I was already out of town by then, yet had a lot of the island to cover (it was only around 10:30 or so, I think), so that of course greatly upset me. So I had to locate a place that sold batteries, and I thought I knew where one was, but I didn't know for sure and so...but I'll get to all that in my next entry(ies). When Psychologist asked if anything else had happened during the week I mumbled that I'd gone to Mackinac Island the day before and it eventually came out that I'd done it on my own. I explained the battery incident and she seemed impressed...I'd been impressed myself, until that stupid letter came. -_- She said it was good that I'd managed that and asked what else I thought I might be able to do. As always, I couldn't think of anything...the only real reason I think I managed this was because, as I said to her, "I like the island and I really wanted some batteries."

She suggested that maybe I could call the lawyer, but Ma had already said she would do that...I think that disappointed her a little...I can't bear the thought of calling up the lawyer though, I must already be such an annoyance and irritation with my no-win case and crap. Ma's always getting his secretary anyway as it is...

She asked if I'd done any writing and I had to mention that I'd put that on hold to take notes on the earlier chapters. I still feel guilty about that. -_- I keep mulling over ideas for BMI now and then. This is exactly what happened with my other stories, the only difference being, there's still a LOT of EFMI to go.

She then went over some of what was in the entries that I'd printed out for her, "Fifteen," "Pointless Lovecraftian Dream," and "Off The Mackinac Beaten Path." I'm surprised she paid much attention to "Pointless" at all, since it was such an inane dream IMO. She asked if "Beaten Path" had come before or after my trip to the island and I said before. She suggested that I seemed to have taken some of what had happened in the dream and applied it to real life in interacting with a cashier, though I wouldn't be sure...in "Beaten Path," I didn't directly address the cashier, and the interaction didn't go too well. :/ Oh. I had also printed out the previous entry from just that morning. I didn't put much thought into that, and feel embarrassed that she saw how I snap when I get upset, and resort to expletives and such... >_< She asked what I tend to do when I get upset and I said, "Cry." (And snap. And use expletives in writing. But I guess that was obvious.) She wondered aloud again what might be going on there, because I was surely eligible, and added, "I know you hear this a lot, but keep trying at it." The thing is I just don't know what's left to try, if two individuals saying you're disabled isn't enough. -_- Her comments about helping out if she could calmed me down a little bit, but I'm just so leery of people by now...this is her job, surely she tells many people this? I have a really bad tendency of reacting to people's offers of help as if I'm the only person in the world they intend to focus on, and when they turn out to have other more important things to do, it always infuriates me. I realize it's unreasonable...though I do wish people wouldn't offer help if it can't be provided when needed. And I've always made it clear that I need far more than a pat on the hand...I think most people don't realize this when they promise me things, so that's why they see me as so unreasonable when I get upset that they can't come through. So...for anyone who isn't aware by now, I'm really, really, REALLY clingy and needy, and I take promises--no matter how casually made--literally. Though I always thought that was obvious...

But anyway...as she was looking through these entries and there were lulls in the session, I couldn't keep myself from dropping into a slight doze every few seconds, and I started hallucinating that my shirt was doing strange things...for example the little yellow squiggles started glowing like glowsticks, and part of the hem or something that curved around morphed into a smiling moon which set below the horizon by falling over like a piece of cardboard...I had to keep shaking myself out of these...I was even carrying on a running monologue in my head about how I would describe the weird things my shirt was doing. I guess I really needed some sleep. That was about it anyway, I think. I didn't draw anything because all the talking about the disability and the island went on for the whole session, I guess. As we got up to go she asked one final question, if I was taking my medication, to which I nodded, and we left to schedule the next appointment.

In the hallway outside the office two other employees were standing staring up at the walls, saying they were "listening for beeps," noises which had apparently been bothering them; they asked Psychologist if she'd heard any, but she hadn't, at least not that day. I tried remembering if I'd heard any but I couldn't. *shrug* The waiting room seemed abnormally crowded when we went out. >_<

I wish I could take some comfort in her offer of help and in Ma's news from the secretary, but I'm just so tired of all of it...I'm not one of those people who can take defeat after defeat after defeat so well. And all I can keep thinking of is all the people who I was so sure would come through for me in the past and never did...I still keep thinking about this girl who wrote to me almost a YEAR ago at the finale of RTMI to insist that I would be hearing "more from me, a LOT more"...never heard another word. Back when she sent that mail, and others like her sent the same ("I'll definitely be back to read the sequel," "I'll come back about once a month to read," etc.), I was so hopeful that I would hear back...never did. And that's the least of things I never heard back on...