09-06-06 @ 7:07 am EDT

I haven't much to write today, though that might be just as well as I'm tired and have notes to take...currently on Part 100 of 155... -_- I'm picking up things I can't recall writing, which may or may not have a bearing on the plot, I can't even remember by now; I do hope this helps continue the story even if people aren't much interested in it.

Cripes, I can't even remember how it started. :/ Most of the talk was about my trip to Mackinac Island. I felt guilty giving her my journal entries because they came out to like TWENTY-FIVE PAGES or so, surely she has more important things to do than read twenty-five pages of me blithering about Mackinac Island. -_- I always stuff the entries in my pocket so they're not visible and she has to ask for them because I feel so stupid carrying papers in as if to say, "READ WHAT I WROTE!" But on the other hand I feel stupid simply shoving things in my pocket, especially when they're that thick. And I feel stupid handing over this enormous wad of folded paper which she has to unfold like a hundred times just to read it. It's terribly sloppy; I actually hate folding printouts. But I'd rather shove it in my pocket and arrive emptyhanded than go in with a stack of papers like I feel it's imperative that it all be read.

Fortunately not as much time was spent with her looking it over in silence though there was some of that. I feel very awkward at these points because on the one hand, I shouldn't be wasting her session time making her read all this drek when she's supposed to be doing other things; but on the other hand, I shouldn't be wasting her personal time reading it out of session, either. I just can't seem to win with this journal. When I gave it to her I told her it was long and she didn't need to read all of it or any at all; I hate making people feel obligated to read my stuff. When she says, "You wrote a lot this time," I'm sure she means it as a compliment because she ends it with "That's good," but I feel awful because that means she has so damn much to READ. -_- When I should just be talking like normal people, not making her read things.

I have to look back over my entries themselves just to remember things she asked; she asked if I'd heard more regarding SSI. I got another CC from the lawyer, who's apparently asking for my records regarding why I was approved for state disability; he doesn't want medical or financial records, just ones pertaining to my disability itself. I honestly have no clue WHY I was approved for state disability; WAS it because of my mental problem? Or was it financial? I do hope it was the former because if it was the latter, then there goes that. -_- The state disability thing was just a blip on the radar; the caseworker applied me for that almost as an afterthought when I was applying for Medicaid. Next thing I know, bam, I'm approved. I don't know why.

So I told her about that...she still seems perplexed herself as to why I seem to have been turned down for SSI again...

She looked over the entry and I guess she came to the part where I started bitching royally about the disability process... >_<; As normal as venting is, I still feel embarrassed whenever I succumb to it. Everybody else, even when they're bitching, always seems more SEDATE than I am. I just seem to get histrionic over every single little thing. I wish I could at least get pissed off in a rational way. In any case, she asked if I use my journal for venting often and I said yes; that was basically the real reason why I started an online journal in the first place. "Do you vent anywhere else?" she asked. I told her not really; my parents and I sometimes get into arguments but for the most part I try not to vent at them because, unless they're in an equally venty mood, it often doesn't go over well. "So writing is that much more important to you," she said, and I guess I shrugged in agreement; I seem to shrug a lot lately.

She saw how much I had written about the island and commented that I seem to enjoy it there very much. She asked if I'd seen anything interesting or if anything had happened and...all I could do was shrug. "Obviously you did a lot of things there and have a lot to say," she said; "would you like to talk about any of it?" I almost answered, but couldn't, and just went mute and as always stared at the floor.

She glanced at the papers. "I find it a little bit strange," she said, "that you have so much to write about...but so little to say." My eyes started welling up right about now and I fiddled my fingers. "Is there a particular reason why you think this is...?"

"I don't like to bore people," I murmured.

"Well, it's obvious that you want to share with others, seeing all you wrote here; I don't find it boring, I think it's kind of fascinating."

A shrug. I was thinking, but this is the difference between writing and talking. When you write something, you're not forcing people to come and read it; they come and go as they please. And in writing, you don't have to get to see the way people's eyes glaze over and they glance at the clock and tap their feet and finally cut in with, "That's nice, I have to get going now" once they get tired of whatever you're interested in...as would happen were I to start talking the same way that I write. I'm so afraid of boring people that, for as much as I whine about lack of readers, whenever people come along and promise to read, I feel like apologizing to them and telling them they don't have to, just because it all must be so boring.

I didn't get to say any of that though...

"'Hope you're happy,'" she read from the last Mackinac Island entry. "Who is the 'you' you're referring to?"

"There's a few people who read my journal sometimes," I murmured.

"How do you know they read?"

"They sometimes leave comments."

"How is this all set up, do they have journals too?"

"It's a journal site." I tried explaining basically how LJ works, as that's the easiest site to comprehend. "Other people have journals there and the people who read each other's journal are connected to each other, and they leave comments on each other."

"Do you read their journals too?"

"Sometimes."

"What do you think of what they write in their journals?"

I had to think over that one. "They seem more normal than me," I said at last.

"Normal as in how...?"

"They write about more normal things."

"What do they write about?"

*shrug* "Family things, job things, daily life things..."

"Do you ever use your journal to write about more things, or is it just this (sessions, and my Mackinac entries I guess)?"

"I used to write in it a lot more, but this is about it now."

"How do you think of yourself as a writer?"

"I write too much."

"Yes...you've brought that up before..." And here I felt like apologizing for bringing it up so often, and for making her read all those stupid entries... -_- I really do just feel I write too much--too much journaling, too much fiction, too much everything else. Too much boring crap that people can't sift through. If I were a good writer, I could write just the right amount to not scare/bore people off, or at least, I could be so phenomenal that people simply wouldn't care how long my stuff is, they'd read it anyway. I'm not either of those...

She tried again to get me to talk about Mackinac Island and at last asked a specific enough question. "Did you have anything in mind that you set out to see, in particular?"

"Cave of the Woods," I admitted. That and looking for the remains of the Fairy Arch were my two primary goals that I could recall, because my mind kept going blank!! >_<

She asked me where Cave of the Woods was located and I described it a little, as well as why I'd gone looking for it ("I write about it sometimes"), and how often visited it is; she mentioned how I'd been looking for a landmark that wasn't there anymore, and that led to me explaining the Fairy Arch a little, how it had been blown up, if I'd found anything...she asked if I'd seen anything else or if anything else had happened but I honestly couldn't think of anything. "Do you think you remembered it all in your entries?" she asked, and I nodded, somewhat with relief, because my mind just blanked out there. I really didn't want to get into yapping about cedars and breccia and rabbits and whatnot, how dreadful.

"Do you actually journal when you're there, or is it afterwards...?"

"Afterwards."

"How many times have you been to the island?"

I honestly have no clue. o_o I couldn't even estimate.

"Would you say you've gone there every year since getting out of school--?"

"About every year, except 2003."

"What happened that year?"

"We visited Tahquamenon Falls instead." (I'd INTENDED to go to the island, but never got the chance...I do not plan on that happening again, if I can help it.)

"Oh." A glance at the papers. "Obviously there's going to be more than one reason...but could you give me a reason why you enjoy the island so much?"

"I like the stories about it," I said; "the mythology"--I had to clarify. "And the nature and such." *feeling incredibly stupid* "And I write about it a lot so it's kind of like visiting a place I write about." I was going to say, "It's kind of like stepping into one of my stories," but that just sounded idiotic.

"So it's almost like it's familiar to you."

I kind of sat up a bit on hearing that, as I think I misunderstood her a bit; but I nodded. "You feel comfortable there." Another nod. "Aside from the batteries dying and you having to go to the store, do you remember anything really bad happening on your trip?" I had to bite my lip and think, then shrugged a little; that was the worst of it, I guess. "So overall the trip was mostly good." A nod. "Do you think that when you're there you tend to remember the good better than the bad...?" I had to bite my lip again; really not sure; so I shrugged and said I didn't know. On the one hand, I feel more RELAXED there because I know the place so well and can just be on my own, but on the other hand I have a long memory for bad things.

She again asked if I'd be open to visiting the island more than once a year, especially now that conflicts with Ma's schedule don't seem as much of a problem, and I nodded, though I don't imagine that happening this year. The leaves are changing color and falling already; usually that doesn't happen until late October. -_- "If you were to go there again would you have anything specific in mind that you'd like to look for?" she asked, and I thought for a moment before mentioning Friendship's Altar. I've seen it before, but I'd like to get better pictures. Of the woods around Croghan Water too. I didn't mention it but sometime it'd be nice to go there and just wander along whatever trails look most interesting, with no real goal in mind. Maybe someday, especially since I'm running out of particular places to look at.

"Friendship's Altar," she mused. "I take it this is off the beaten path...?"

"It's way out in the woods toward the north end of the island," I explained.

"So not many people go out there?"

"It's pretty isolated."

"How did it get that name?"

I paused to think. "I'm not sure. There's a myth to it, but I don't think it's an authentic one."

"You've been visiting the island for a long time?"

*nod* "I remember visiting it when I was little but I didn't know very much about it then."

"So you like to read about it a lot."

*nod*

I feel kind of silly; I hope I don't convey an impression that I consider myself an expert or anything. I feel woefully ignorant about lots of the island...

She asked what I do with the pictures I take, and if I post those along with my journal entries; that led to me mentioning my Mackinac Island site and she asked for the URL. I feel rather cringey giving that out because Powow.com is NOT the most reliable site in the world and I never know WHEN my site will be up or not--and the popups--yeegh! I just went there tonight to see if it's still working and the webmaster seems to have jumped ship and been gone almost a year now. Wow, professional. When I run out of room there or if the site crashes, I have no clue what I'm going to do. -_- I don't want to pay to put up a site; too bad someone reliable won't host it for free. *shrug* I guess when I run out of room I'll just point out my Yahoo! albums and leave it at that. No text, but at least pictures.

Anyway, she said she hadn't yet thought of something else for me to draw, which puzzled me because I thought it was some sort of standard drawing test or something. Could I think of anything I would like to draw? I couldn't. Could I think of anything I could do during the week to challenge myself? I always dread this part, because it's the necessary part, but my answer is always the same; I can never think of anything. -_- Mackinac Island was a fluke; it's something I already enjoy doing so much so of course I could do it; but I can never think of anything else to do. I have no one to call on the phone, and even if I did, I wouldn't enjoy the talking. I have a couple of people I write to, but those are few and far between, and even with as anxious as it makes me I wouldn't consider e-mail a challenge because I do it so much already. I have nowhere to go or visit, and even if I did, I certainly would not want to interact with people there; I only interacted with people on the island because I had to. If I hadn't needed batteries, and hadn't cared to look at any books, I wouldn't have talked to anyone at all.

So I hate how I never have anything in the way of progress or motivation to report to her. -_- That's what I'm supposed to be working on, but I honestly can't think of anything. Even if I felt like interacting with people, my means of doing so are so limited that it would not be much of a challenge, especially week after week. I myself don't consider it a "challenge" if it's something I've already done, no matter how anxious it makes me the second, third, tenth, hundredth time. I'm always equally as anxious whenever I reply to e-mails or letters, but I honestly can't go into her office and say every week, "I wrote to somebody," and expect it to mean anything for long.

This is in hand with how I never seem to get any better or less anxious about the same actions being repeated over and over; with most people making progress and taking challenges the sessions should go something like this:

Session 1: "I wrote an e-mail today."

Session 2: "This week I said hello to somebody."

Session 3: "I took part in a conversation."

Session 4: "I gave a speech before the class."

Whereas with me it would just end up being:

Session 1: "I wrote an e-mail today."

Session 2: "I replied to a letter."

Session 3: "I wrote another e-mail."

Session 4: "Another letter."

Etc. etc....even though each thing I did was just as anxiety producing as the last, how can that be considered progress if you're always just doing the same thing? I never seem to develop any tolerance for this.

So I can hardly offer that as any sort of challenge...and I can't think of anything else I'd have any chance or desire to do...

So I don't know what to keep saying whenever she asks if I've done anything, because whenever I DO do things, it's always an exception, not the norm. -_- And that will get frustrating pretty fast. I have no desire to talk to anybody on the phone or go hang out with a bunch of people somewhere even if I DID have the chance or ability to. Even back when I had a couple of real-life friends, aside from Mya, I visited them only once in a while and aside from walking around town with them a little bit now and then I never did much. I never really wanted to.

I just realized that all of my most fun times that I had were spent with Mya...right here at my home, or in my yard, or on the island, the two of us together, with nobody else. We didn't have fun going out and doing social things, we had fun just being together and doing our own thing. I liked talking on the phone to HER because we talked about the same things...our writing. I liked hanging out with her because it was always about our characters and stories. Even on the island. (Manitou Island probably wouldn't exist if not for her.) Aside from in that context...I never cared to do those things. I guess that never really changed.

So even with as lonely as I am, I just don't desire to do most of the things that more social people find fun...rather, I wish I could find a few people who enjoy the things *I* do, and that I could connect to them in some meaningful way. Now that I think about it, I never HAVE wanted to be a social person. I just want to find a few people like me, and feel comfortable with them.

My problem is I haven't really had luck finding them, and whenever I do, I seem to ruin it so I never hear from them again... -_-

No. You know what I REALLY want? To be confident enough in myself that I don't NEED any friends to feel comfortable with. Because I could have a hundred of the most attentive friends with nothing better to do than fawn over me 24/7, and I'm pretty certain I'd still feel miserable and lonely, simply because I'm not satisfied with myself. If I had that belief in myself, I'd still be alone, but at least I wouldn't be lonely. THAT'S what I really want out of life, even more than friends, because it's been my experience that friends come and go pretty quickly, and usually can't give you what you really need.

So I'm unsure what to do or say whenever she asks me what I've done to challenge myself, because most things that would be considered challenges are things I'm not really interested in anyway. I don't want to make a phone call, hold a conversation with a stranger, hang out in a public social place. The things I AM interested in, I've had shitty luck with and by now I think it's probably best that I don't try them anymore. Except for solo activities like reading and writing. And you don't make friends or challenge yourself that way...

I sure made this long for it not having much to it. :/ Sorry...

There was some sort of schedule conflict for next time which she resolved, but from the sound of it someone else's appointment has to be bumped to a later time...I hate that I interfered with someone else's appointment.

I slammed my elbow into the doorjamb yesterday... >_<;;;

I feel very lonely and depressed the past couple of days. -_- I just have looming feelings that my communications with others, as paltry as they are, are going to fade away...it's nothing new, but it always hurts anyway. I wish I were at least comfortable being alone, I should be used to it. I went three years being alone and was just fine. Other people seem to do fine. Or at least feel comfortable with somebody. I don't even feel comfortable with myself anymore.