09-13-06 @ 7:28 am EDT

Cripes! I go into my room to read and end up dozing off completely! x_x Well...hopefully I'm caught up on sleep now...

This session was pretty short and straightforward...she asked how I was doing and I shrugged because I'm tired of saying, "Fine," especially since that word doesn't ever really seem to summarize how I'm feeling. I must seem terribly passive-aggressive, shrugging all the time. She asked if I was writing and I said I was still taking notes. I probably won't have time to take them today because of this entry and other things, *sigh* but I'm getting closer... She asked if I'd had any interesting dreams and I mentioned "Wired," a dream I had recently where I pulled a LONG black hair/wire out of my arm; she said maybe that had something to do with her trying to pull information out of me, but I don't know, in the dream I was worried about the empty space the hair/wire had left behind, and that doesn't seem to fit. Who knows. *shrug*

She asked if I'd brought any writing in for her and I handed her the last entry and that dream. She didn't say anything about the Mackinac Island entries; I guess they were too long to read. She did mention where I'd talked about hating folding up what I'd written and said I could bring things in a folder if I wished. :/ I'll feel kind of stupid carrying in a folder... My memory's going hazy. Crap. Well, there wasn't much anyway. I gave her that, and she asked if I wanted to draw anything, and I shrugged, because it's her session, if things are left up to me it would be a half hour of just...sitting and shrugging. >_< When people leave decisions up to me I tend to just freeze mindlessly. She said she had crayons and wanted me to color and that made me feel rather embarrassed because it made me think of what little kids do, and I felt suddenly like a little kid or something, and not in a good way. -_- I'm sure that wasn't intended because adults use crayons all the time, but I still felt terribly self-conscious and wondered if I'd conveyed this impression of being a child or something. I probably do, but it's still embarrassing.

She handed me a pad of paper and I used my own pencil...she told me to draw a big heart. :/ I got an odd look on my face but obeyed. She then handed me a box of crayons--"The color selection is kind of sad, but there's some different colors in there"--and told me to write down five emotions I was feeling right then, and color them in in the heart. I might like to make a key to keep track of them. I felt REMARKABLY stupid right now >_< but she's the psychologist, so I obeyed... First I had to write down five emotions (she'd listed a bunch of them as suggestions--I noticed most were negative)...I think I picked "emptiness," "embarrassment," "anxiety," "stupidity," and "uselessness" or something like that--I'm positive of the first three, at least. I wondered if these would even be counted as emotions, since "uselessness" or whatever isn't really an emotion but more of a state of being. Oh well, who cares, I can't even remember if that was one I picked. I wrote these down below the heart (I wondered if my placement of the key on the page said anything about me, psychologically) and then looked in the crayon box. I'll describe what I did and leave commentary off for a moment.

I picked black first and colored in a gaping black circle in the middle of the heart, then surrounded that with a wide band of silver. The two top sections of the heart--where it's bifurcated or whatever--were colored in pink/red, then below those on both sides I used green I think, and the bottom pointy section of the heart was colored in turquoise/blue. On the key, black was "emptiness," silver was "anxiety," the pink/red was "embarrassment" I believe, and the other two were the other two emotions I picked. The colors/emotions were supposed to be where I felt these things. "Emptiness" came easiest, and I guessed that "anxiety" would just be around that; I put "embarrassment" on top because that's how I was feeling as I made the drawing. The other two were relatively random.

I think she was browsing my latest entries while I was doing this. I finished and thankfully she noticed and asked if I was done; I handed the drawing over, still feeling incredibly stupid. I had no flat surface to color on and so my coloring job was pretty rough; plus I'd done it pretty hurriedly because it takes an inordinately long time to color things in with crayon!! I'd never realized that until now; it's a wonder I didn't go way out of the lines with how I tried to hurry just coloring the thing in. >_< She took the drawing and remarked over how nice it was...ugh. I felt so childish. >_<;; She did ask if the relative proportions of the colors indicated how much I was feeling those emotions and I wasn't sure; she also asked if they were always the same or if they changed proportions/positions at all; I could only guess that they shifted around at times. *shrug* She asked what I thought of the drawing and I said that was how I usually felt. Not always to such extremes (I didn't mention this), but basically.

She wanted to know if I'd ever tried filling the "emptiness" in the middle and I shrugged. I probably have. But have never succeeded. I wasn't sure which she meant. I needn't go on about all the times I've tried using writing and helping others and seeking friendships to fill that void, without success. She asked if I thought it could ever be filled and I shook my head. I've already tried; nothing fills it.

She asked me if I would title the drawing and I took the paper and stared at it a moment before writing the first only moderately stupid thing that came to mind, "Black Hole." >_< I was so embarrassed because this all seemed so terribly trite. More on that in a bit though.

She took the drawing back and looked at it and commented about how some people try to fill their "black holes" with things like food, and drink, and relationships...even writing (to which I won't argue, it's obvious I've tried that), etc....she asked if I thought anything could fill it up and I shook my head. Not in my case, at least.

I wasn't entirely truthful here. I briefly mentioned it in my last session entry, that I feel the only thing that would ever be able to make me happy is for me to be happy with MYSELF. Experience has shown me that relying on others, on writing, etc., won't ever work anymore as long as I don't like myself. These things make me happy but only for a brief time because then my hatred of myself cancels them out. As long as I'm unhappy with myself, that will always happen and that black hole will always be there. I remember a time when I was lonely but I still believed in myself and at least that was tolerable. I haven't believed in myself in a long time. It's not so much that I believe the black hole can never be filled or that nothing can ever fill it. I just don't believe that I can ever believe in myself again...thus I'll never have what it takes to fill up that black hole and keep it that way.

After her listing of what other people unsuccessfully used to try to fill up that black hole, she said that she believed the only thing that could fill it up was God.

This set off alarm bells inside me and I immediately tensed up. I still feel very uncomfortable remembering it. I didn't nod or shake my head or anything, so I didn't invite any clarification on that, and I'm glad I didn't. She asked if I had any thoughts or ideas about God and I managed to say, "I believe He exists, but..." and that was it. I was unable to say anything further. I couldn't say, "I believe He's everywhere" or "I don't believe in the Christian idea of God"--nothing else would come out. I just shrugged. I felt very ill at ease and didn't want to talk.

She asked if I could write some about what I think about the subject and I nodded, so that was basically the session. After this I had to see the nurse, who asked me an inordinate amount of questions about how I sleep during the daytime (why is that of such interest to them??), how I'm doing on the meds, how my depression is doing, how I liked my trip to the island, etc., before Ma took me home and I went to bed.

And now the commentary. Why was it that I felt so remarkably stupid drawing and coloring in that heart? I already mentioned how childish it made me feel; I realize that my maturity is stunted, and basically I AM childish in many ways, but I still hate conveying the impression that I'm a child. I guess there's nothing really I can do about that though; everything embarrasses me, why would this be an exception? Rather it was the symbolic part of coloring in the heart that made me feel even stupider. It's obvious to anyone who's been reading this journal for quite a while that I'm interested in psychology and have done some reading on it. I took psychology classes in school and college and enjoyed them. I'm by no means even MODERATELY knowledgeable on the subject...but I worry that I know just enough to "taint" any things I might do in my sessions or interactions with therapists.

For example, I felt that the big black hole right in the middle of the heart was SO OBVIOUS as to be incredibly trite and expected of someone suffering from depression. What else would they have but a "black hole" in their heart? On a more symbolic level I even wondered if the black circle would be reminiscent (sic?) of a mandala. *rolls eyes* You see? That's how much reading I've done. I was worried that she would see my drawing and think, "Cripes, it's like she read the Psychologists' Manual On The Symbolism Of Psychiatric Disorders--there's that big black circle, yep, right there where it should be. How predictable." When I further entitled the drawing "Black Hole," I got the same feeling--black hole--SO OBVIOUS! I couldn't have been more obvious if I'd drawn a picture of a person with a black dog following them, or a person with a big ape on their back. In short, I've fiddled around so much with this subject that I'm afraid it's going to influence everything I do in these sessions, and I will come across as somebody who read the textbook on the subject and is just parroting everything in it. It's a very real possibility. Even I feel that a big black hole in the heart is terribly overdone. Ugh, now that I think of it, I use a very similar idea in my Manitou Island stories...cripes, I hope they don't come across as so trite. -_-

What made me even more anxious though was the mention of "God" being the only thing able to fill up that hole. I know I'm likely misinterpreting this, but that's a very dangerous thing to say. What if I were an atheist? One can't tell an atheist that they can fill up their emptiness with God. I'm not an atheist and I believe in God. But I find myself doubting that even He could fill up that hole. I believe God HELPS us help ourselves. He's there, but He's not a fix. He might give us strength but only we can fill that hole. Relying on God to fill it is just the same as relying on my writing, or on friendships that don't work out, or any other number of things. If you rely on outside things to fill that hole then you'll be waiting forever because it won't happen.

Of course, this is if her idea of God is the common one...I don't know what she thinks about Him and didn't wish to find out. I felt threatened because I've had some bad experiences with organized religion, and when people bring the subject up it just sets me on edge. To the point that even the very vague, general word "God"--which could mean ANYTHING--makes me very anxious and uneasy. Just writing this brings that feeling back. I'm certainly not irreligious or whatever, but when the subject comes up, I feel angry, spiteful, frustrated, anxious, hateful, bitter, all kinds of bad things. I couldn't even begin to mention all this in session, it just strikes me totally mute. Even here, in my own journal, I feel unsafe bringing it up.

I had a very bad fear she was going to try to convert me or sermonize or something...she probably wasn't, but that's how I feel whenever people bring up the "G word." And I did feel pretty leery at the suggestion that God was the only thing that could fill that void, because I don't think I agree. Unless an unfailing faith in God is the same as self-confidence...I honestly don't know. I know they're intertwined in a way but it's obvious I've never been good at the blind faith thing.

So I guess I have to kind of summarize my ideas about God. :/ Ugh. I've done this in the past, I realize, but it always makes me feel so flustered and frustrated, like I can never get it right or say all that's on my mind. Not without meandering terribly. I guess all I can do is try to keep it to short brief comments because if I start meandering and going into detail I'll probably get all pissed off like the topic tends to do to me. Yes, it's already obvious that I'll fail miserably. >_<

To people who've read this in the past, this is all old news.

*I consider myself a panentheist. Panentheists believe that God is in everything around us, and everything around us is part of God, but in addition, God is more than everything that exists. This is as opposed to pantheism, which holds that God is everything around us and everything around us is of God but that's it, that's all. I believe God is more than all of this. From what I've seen most pantheists and panentheists don't really subscribe to the idea of a "supernatural" or personal God who influences events--they come across as more atheistic than anything--but I'm not of that school, I do believe He's out there and still poking around at things. *shrug*

*Building on the idea above, I believe everything that exists has a part of God to it because He of course created it all. Meaning that even the most ignoble things that one would never normally associate with God are part of Him. No, trees and rocks and roadkill aren't GOD HIMSELF, but they're OF God. Hence I don't see a separation between "sacred" and "profane."

*I do not believe God cares who we fall in love with, how we worship Him, if we even worship Him at all, if we even believe in Him, etc. etc. A God Who says, "If you don't do this, you're going to Hell" or "You must do this or you'll never reach Heaven," etc., sounds more like a dysfunctional parent than a loving god. I honestly don't think God is up there thinking, "*gasp!* Those two men are in love with each other! No Heaven for them" or "AGH!--that person didn't go to church on Sunday!--SMITE!" because that would be remarkably petty. Likewise, if one doesn't genuflect properly, or eat the right kind of wafer, or attend the right church...I honestly don't think He cares, just as long as we're doing our best to be kind to those around us. I'm coming to think that's humanity's real purpose here, to be kind to those around us, because everything else is very trivial compared to that, and when you look at it most "sins" seem to be based on the idea of being cruel or unfair to others anyway. *shrug* IMO, I think God would be far sadder or more upset about somebody who breaks a promise they made or calls someone a name or kicks a puppy or something than He would be about two women getting married or somebody becoming atheist or somebody forgetting to go to church.

*Lest anyone get the wrong idea from the above, I did NOT mean that God doesn't care if we do bad things or hurt others etc. etc. In fact that was the whole point I was making. I feel God cares most when we fail to treat each other kindly. IMO the greatest sin is the betrayal of trust, and you'll see that most (maybe even all) sins outlined in the major religions are based on betrayal of trust--adultery, murder, theft--all involve treating others unkindly and breaking their trust. So no, I'm not here thinking that we could all go out and cheat on each other and get in fights and molest kids and bla bla bla and God won't care; far from it. Just thought I'd clarify that. The concept of "moderation" is a good point.

*I believe God is neither male nor female, yet is also both. Contradictory, yes, but that's how God is. I just refer to Him as a He because it's easier. I believe He has no form, and yet has countless forms. I believe that the "God" and gods/goddesses of most religions are all just various aspects of the same Whole, because it's too much for me to believe that God would allow SO MANY people to be so wrong. God is so huge and unfathomable that surely He has so many sides, none of us can ever hope to see them all, so we capture them as best we can in our imperfect little religions. That's why we all see something so different. God could create a rock so heavy He can't lift it just because His totality is beyond our comprehension. It's not even worth pondering over because the only one who would ever understand Him completely is God Himself. (This is why, for so long, I thought I was agnostic.)

*No sins are unforgivable, IMO, and just because someone's dead doesn't mean they can't still be forgiven. The idea of a God who puts a time limit on forgiveness doesn't sit right with me.

*Likewise with the idea of Hell and eternal damnation. That makes no sense to me either. I no longer really believe in Hell. Maybe there's a sort of temporary Purgatory, but no place where someone is condemned FOREVER. No matter how awful their acts while alive. I know this idea won't be remarkably popular considering what some people do in their lifetimes, but it's what I feel. Even the lowest scum of the Earth can "see the light," so to speak, after death (perhaps after a taste of that Purgatory); and what kind of loving God would still deny them forgiveness? Punishment, maybe, but not eternal. So no, I don't believe in Hell. Though I do sometimes get pissed off and like to think "there's a special place in Hell" reserved for certain people. That just means I hope they eventually see the harm they've caused and feel remorse for it, even if after death.

*Heaven is incomprehensible and beyond description or understanding, so it doesn't bear any attempts at explanation. *shrug*

*Reincarnation, possession, certain other supernatural phenomena--no real idea or opinion one way or the other. Maybe they happen, maybe not.

*If Satan exists (unsure about this myself), he's just another creation of God, and more of an ally than adversary. Why would God create him if he couldn't control him? Everything has its Shadow side, even God, without which everything would be terribly out of balance; and this is merely Satan's role (whether he's real or figurative or what; not for me to say).

*On a more personal level now, regarding what I in particular do and believe...I do not like organized religion, or even most sorts of "religions" period, because of their exclusivity and rigidity. You MUST do this, you MUST not do that, in order to gain God's favor. You must do this in EXACTLY this way for it to count. Sorry, you, but God deems you unfit to belong here. None of that sits right with me so that's why I gave up religion. I found myself growing far too hateful and bitter to keep at it, and those feelings still haven't gone away. I feel bad that I still feel that way toward a thing that brings so many people comfort, but it's something I guess I'll have to work through on my own. Maybe I'll never get there. *shrug* This applies not only to the big religions like Christianity but to much smaller ones like Kemeticism and Wicca, as well. Any sort of religion that has rules and regulations and a certain mode of conduct to follow; I don't hate them, I just can't be part of them. To each his/her own; whatever works for the people involved.

*I detest the idea of participating in strict ritual because of my OCD and the feeling that I would "never get it JUST RIGHT." Ritual is good and has its place, just not for me. Also see above, regarding how I don't think God really cares if we do something JUST RIGHT or not; it's the SPIRIT in which something is done that counts.

*I don't believe there's a right or wrong religion, just right and wrong religions for various people. No wrong paths, just paths that aren't for us. They all end up going the same way in the end.

*I've found some of the more general beliefs of the Great Lakes area Indians to be in fitting with how I envision God being in things around us. This is not to say that I believe in all aspects of Ojibwa spirituality, or that I follow their rituals, or anything of that kind. (For the record, the natives have their own rituals and exclusivity as well.) I just find that some of their ideas really resonate with me more than the ideas of, say, Northwest Indian tribes, or Shintos, or Christians, for that matter. The primary idea among them being the concept of the manitou. Don't worry, I'll keep this short. "Manitou" refers to both an individual spirit, as well as to a sort of spirit that pervades everything around us; it's a word with no easy definition. The idea of a spirit that pervades everything around us, the idea of a "Great Spirit" (Gitchi Manitou), and the idea of the possibility of numerous "lesser spirits" (just parts of a greater Whole) all around us, appeal to me. These three different ideas aren't necessarily contradictory, just different aspects of the same thing. From what little I can tell the natives didn't see any contradiction in this, and neither do I. I really don't think a manitou is going to pop out of a tree someday and say hi to me, but I do like the thought that there MIGHT be one there. It gives things around us a meaning, and makes us not feel quite so alone. It's like being closer to God because He's never really far away. I've read that no, the Ojibwa don't believe EVERYTHING has a spirit in it, but they believe that everything has the POTENTIAL to have a spirit in it. One can never know.

*Some places seem "closer" to us or more important possibly because of such a spirit inside them. It sounds hokey but I feel a lot more comfortable among trees, and on the island. So I honestly wonder if I might not be closer to "manitou"/"manitous"/God in those places. Could just be me though. *shrug*

*In lieu of strict rituals and obedience to commandments, I think God much prefers us honoring Him in a way that has great meaning to US personally. I went through a phase where I hoped that, since nobody seemed to be interested in my writing, maybe it meant something to God because I was doing it with all my heart. I feel stupid about thinking such a thing now, but that's the idea. If it came down to me going to church every day and following every Catholic ritual without fail, yet detesting every bit of it, or me staying at home all the time writing yaoi and fantasy with non-Christian mythological figures, and enjoying every bit of it, I think God would prefer I do the latter. But again, that's just me.

*Being kind to others and realizing our full potential...I guess those would be our main reasons for being here, and the failure of which would be the only things to make God very sad. *shrug*

I know I have other ideas and thoughts but this has gone on much longer than intended and I'm getting tired. I guess if there's anything else she'll ask, I'm not even sure if she would be able to read all this drivel.

I think the primary reason why the mere mention of God or religion makes me so defensive and ill at ease is the fact that so much of religion, IMO, is based upon glorifying that which obeys the rules, rejecting that which doesn't fit, and reviling the "other" which we fail to see deep in ourselves--it's based on exclusivity, I'm-right-you're-wrong, I'm-good-you're-bad, and I've faced enough of that in my own life to not want to face it in what RELIGION I choose. I got enough teasing and being told I was defective and unwanted growing up and even to this day; I hardly need my own faith telling me that. Yet this is what I see to some extent or other in most religions, even the lesser ones (even something as innocuous as "You must say this particular phrase" or "You must do this particular ritual" comes across this way to me), which is why the topic makes me so uneasy even if it isn't intended to. So there's my explanation of why something so seemingly innocent can set off alarm bells in me.