09-27-06 @ 6:57 am EDT

I'm always so frigging tired! >_< I wish I had more energy.

Well...I decided that, rather than hand over my last entry, I would try to type up something shorter to explain why it is that I can't ever answer Psychologist in sessions, and what I think might help me more rather than trying to get me to be more social and such. Her approach of coaxing me to get out and do more things like make eye contact, speak up to people, do things on my own, etc., seems backwards to me, because even when I DO do these things, I never feel any better about myself; even when I succeed at something, I never feel the success is anything significant enough to count. I have this underlying problem of not believing in myself whatsoever, that needs to be addressed before doing things like making eye contact can ever help me. To use a stupid simile, her approach to me seems like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound without stitching the wound shut first. The Band-Aid might make it look a little better but it doesn't take care of the underlying problem...and a Band-Aid can do only so much for so long.

I first ran the idea past Ma even though I generally don't like asking for her opinions on such things; she agreed that it seemed like a good one, so I guessed it was the only thing I could think of. I managed to keep it to two pages. I briefly explained all the bad experiences I've had whenever I've tried opening up to people too much, and how now I just can't seem to answer anything at length, and how I'd prefer to work on believing in myself rather than in being more outgoing, though I have no idea how to accomplish that. I tacked an apology at the end because I always feel stupid doing these things. -_-

She asked if I'd been doing any writing and I said I'd started working on my story again; she asked how that made me feel and all I could do was shrug. I don't know. She asked if I liked writing on it and I said kind of. *shrug* Had I put my Mackinac Island pictures up on my Powow site yet? Not yet. (I finally started going through and trying to select which ones to put up, though it's going to take a bit and some weeding, then I have to write the text and code the pages, bla bla bla...) I would have to let her know when I do that. I wonder why she wants to see them. :/ Whatever. Had I done any journal writing? I managed to mumble, "I did something else instead," and when she asked if she could see it I handed the two pages over. There was a BIG LONG SILENCE while she looked at them, and I shrank in on myself and kept my eyes nearly shut and glued on the floor, feeling utterly stupid. -_-

I wonder if she thought that I believed she hadn't been reading ANY part of my entries at all, because she mentioned having read what I'd had to say about God (ugh) and dug that out. She wished to know what I'd meant by "bad experiences" with organized religion and I told her of how my parents had told me of what the priest said when he was supposed to baptize me. She found this story surprising and seemed to doubt it; perhaps she thought my parents had told it to me teasingly or something, but I recall that when they told me they were as casual and serious as anything. She asked how that had made me feel and I said that back then, I hadn't cared, but over time it had made me feel angry. She offered a few suggestions as for why a priest would say such a thing, but I've never really been interested in the why; simply the fact that it was said is enough for me. She asked if we'd ever practiced or gone to church and I mentioned when Desirae had brought me to her Lutheran church a couple of times when I was in high school, and how I hadn't really liked that either. I also briefly mentioned how many of organized religion's main tenets just seem so hateful toward so many people; mix all that together and of course I don't want to be associated with such things.

She saw how I had explained that I would prefer working on my own belief in myself rather than on being more outgoing and said that in her experience, learning to do such things as speak to others, do things on one's own, etc. can help build up someone's self-confidence. I felt like sighing at this, because it's just been my personal experience that this is not so. Even when I DO manage to succeed at something, whether it be finishing a story, or talking to someone on the phone, etc., I just never feel like the "victory" is worth it. As long as I feel that I myself am worthless, it doesn't matter how many steps I take, they all feel worthless too. The Band-Aid and the gaping wound, remember? So I wondered if my point had been lost or...well, pointless. -_- She did ask if I could think of any things I could do that might help to build up my belief in myself, but that's my main problem--I can't think of a thing. Nothing I've tried has ever helped. I didn't mention it, but the ironic thing is that it was my INCREASED CONTACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE which I believe made me lose belief in myself in the first place! From 1997-2000, I had virtually no meaningful contact with the outside world. I have no real memory of those years, but I don't remember being terribly miserable. I didn't do much writing, but on the other hand, I still believed in my own writing and its possible worth. In short, I believe I had SOME belief in myself. As soon as I went online in 2000 and had bad experience after bad experience after bad experience...my self-belief just wore right down and disappeared. See what good opening up to others and trying to be more social (albeit online) did for me...?

I'm willing to concede that maybe, MAYBE, if I had some SUCCESSFUL interactions with people--meaningful ones that last, not just a person saying something nice to me and then vanishing immediately after--I might start believing in my worth again. MAYBE. BUT...and this is a BIG but...it would have to be a HELL of a lot of successful interactions, AND I would have to have a lot fewer BAD interactions, because as it currently stands, even when people stick by me and say nice things, the lot more people who completely vanish or lose interest just seem to keep cancelling that out. You can redeem a beaten dog with love and kindness but do you really think it'll help much if that dog is still being beaten on the side? I know, my metaphors are really stupid but I can't think of other ways to put it...

So for the next time she asked if I could try to think of some ways to build up my belief in myself and write those up, though I honestly can't think of anything, otherwise I would have already been trying it! I was kind of hoping SHE might have any idea...something other than advising me to make eye contact or conversation or something...

One thing she suggested for improving my feelings about myself concerned my appearance. This really irked me. >_< She just had to bring up the fact that I usually wear the same clothes to the sessions. The reason (and I told her this)? They're comfortable. That's honestly it. She asked what I thought about this and I said I don't really CARE about clothes as long as they're comfortable. She asked what I thought about my appearance and I said I didn't like it. She asked if I could think of any way to change this and I said I didn't think so. So she asked me to maybe write up some things about different aspects of myself, like my appearance, my feelings, and other things...cripes, I can't even remember by now, it was kind of vague even then...for the next time. I didn't mention how I don't like my appearance BUT I'm not motivated enough to do much about it, because even if I did lose like 90lbs tomorrow, and suddenly turned into some kind of sexpot, I still would not feel better about myself as a person! As long as I have no self-belief it doesn't matter HOW I look, guys could be catcalling and telling me how attractive I am and I'd never buy a word of it--I'd still hate myself. Sure, it'd be nice to lose some weight, but I already know it won't address the underlying problem--I felt this shy even back when I weighed 128lbs, the lightest I remember being. Back then I didn't care much about myself either. I didn't say it but I'd far rather look exactly like I do now, and have belief in MYSELF, than lose a whole bunch of weight and get really attractive and still think I'm worthless. Band-Aid and gaping wound.

I REALLY hate people bringing up my appearance so that made me feel irked and peeved but I didn't mention it.

She asked if I'd had any interesting dreams lately. This is where it got kind of...weird. :/ I remembered a dream I'd had a couple of nights ago which I've tentatively titled "Bad Help." Haven't posted it to my DJ yet, I need to get caught up in that thing. She asked me to tell it to her and I couldn't really think of how to start so I said, "It's kind of confusing." It wasn't a terribly detailed dream or any such, and I didn't have much trouble typing it up for my DJ, but telling it aloud was another story.

"Where were you in the dream?" she prompted.

"I was in our house, only it didn't look like our house," I said.

"And what was going on?"

"My mother and brother were talking."

"What were they talking about?"

"They were talking about me."

"And what were they saying?"

:/ ... I felt very awkward and unsure of how to say it aloud because it's a word I really, really hate saying aloud or even typing. So I sat there for a moment or two really trying to think of how to put it. I decided that the only way I could was by telling it as it was said in the dream. "My brother was saying something to my mother like, 'Do you remember that help you hired a long time back? That was the guy who raped Rachel, wasn't it? I believe it was.'" >_<;;; *grimace*

"And how did you feel when they were saying this?"

"I felt surprised." I didn't mention how, in the dream, I was more surprised by the fact that we'd had hired help than I was by the fact of what that hired help had supposedly done! o_o

"Do you think something like that might have ever happened in real life?"

"Not that I know of."

She nodded. "I was just thinking, if something like that had happened, it would help explain some things."

o_o; ... "That was what I thought in the dream," I managed to say. That comment really creeped me out--because that was EXACTLY what I'd thought in the dream, virtually word for word. I typed up the dream the day before the session and it'll be posted soon, you can see it right there.

"So you were even thinking this in the dream?"

I nodded. We went over a few other details like how, in the dream, my mother and brother had been as casual as anything and I hadn't been involved in the conversation, and how I knew that it was something that had supposedly happened long ago. She asked if anything else had happened and I described the next part, where Ma and I had gone into the basement and she'd tried writing something down for me, and I had seen water rising past the window, and knew that some guy was trying to drown us, and of how we'd gone running outside to escape this fate--and how I'd been a little girl in that part for some odd reason. :/ She asked if I knew what that meant and I had nothing really to offer, just that I don't know if that guy had anything to do with the other guy, if they were in fact different guys. *shrug* I didn't mention how I'm afraid of water...oh well. I already felt weird enough, didn't want to get any weirder.

She asked if I remembered my childhood well and all I could do was shrug; not really. Did I feel like I have any "blanks"? Not that I'm aware of...I don't feel a presence of "blanks"...I just don't remember things well. I've always had a lousy memory. I have some disconnected memories here and there, mostly concerning school, but that's about it. Nothing particularly odd. She asked if in addition to the other things I could try to write down what I recall about my childhood and maybe I could have Ma help me (she didn't mention Dad, I found that odd); I didn't say how Ma probably remembers even less of my childhood than I do! *seriously* (I half-jokingly asked her later on that night, "Well, Ma, do you remember anything about my childhood?" and her answer was, "Well, I think you were a child then." *rimshot* Honestly, she really did say that.) So I nodded; it won't be much of interest. I guess I'll have to go year by year, or more like grade by grade since most of my childhood memories are associated with school. My clearer memories honestly don't pick up in any number until late elementary school, around age 11-12; most stuff before that is just...pfft. Who even knows what the hell I was doing. I can't even remember 1997-2000! My memory is like a sieve. If I didn't do like the same thing every day, I don't think I'd have any memory of what I do week after week. >_<

That was pretty much the session.

I know what she was getting at though, and it's slippery slope territory. :/ Which is why I feel so uneasy now. It's a topic I think about a lot (just look at my writing...I won't even mention the books I read), but I've always been careful to keep MYSELF out of it personally, because I know I'm impressionable and tend to look for explanations when none are forthcoming; it's all too easy for me to latch onto things that might not be true. I've read about therapists who get all gung-ho about this thing, and lives get ruined because of it. I'm not a skeptic by any means--but that's just the point. I feel like if I look into something like this too much, it'll REALLY royally mess things up. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes people are anxious and inhibited just because some brain chemical is out of whack...and they've had some bad experiences on the Internet.

So I feel like I have to tread very very lightly from now on, and be careful not to suggest things that are just that, merely suggestions. :/

Though I honestly do wonder what SHE was thinking of, in particular, when she said "it would help explain some things." I always figured it was just me who thought that. Oh well.

So I have to type up some stuff about ways to build self-confidence (I honestly don't know of any), some self-impressions of different aspects of myself (not sure if I really understand that...), and my childhood, as sketchy as it is. You know what my earliest memory is? Of looking at a callus on my finger when I was four. That's what my childhood memories are like--just still snapshots. Why the hell would I remember something like looking at a callus on my finger...? O_o

I promptly went to Wal-Mart afterwards and got the new Enigma CD. It's rather eh. :/ The songs have nice beats, but that seems to be all they are, is dance beats. Most don't have lyrics and the ones that do are just...eh. So I'm kind of disappointed about that. Maybe I'll like it better as time goes on, but it's definitely no Screen Behind The Mirror or Voyageur.

I had some sort of ocular event the other morning and my eyes itched like crazy so I rubbed them and rubbed them and rubbed them...when I went into the bathroom a while later it looked like somebody had given me two shiners. o_o They were THAT swollen and discolored. The conjunctiva was just about popping out and...yurgh. Took them all the rest of the night to get relatively back to normal, and they're still bloodshot and somewhat itchy. How weird. I wonder what caused that.

I finally finished uploading and captioning all my Mackinac pictures at Yahoo! and made them public in two albums, so, they're there if anyone wants to see them. I plan to hang out at DeviantArt more often now that I have time. I've been framing my better pictures and posting them there and I plan to upload some nature pictures that I don't plan to post at Yahoo! any time soon, if ever, because there are just too many and it takes so long. I've been taking some really cool macro photos with the camera and they look nicer with frames around them, and are big enough to be used as (1024x768) wallpapers. I'm doing some of my Mackinac Island shots right now but when I'm done with those I hope to get to some of my random nature shots. I like take a picture of tree lichen and it looks like some alien landscape. And I actually got a shot of a spiderweb glinting in the sun. Interesting. So those will show up at http://tehuti.deviantart.com/ if anybody's interested. *shrug*