10-03-06 @ 7:22 am EDT

I feel like an utter fool. -_- I managed yesterday to type up what snippets I remember of my childhood up to sixth grade (I remember virtually nothing from kindergarten through second grade), and sat down just now to type up ways to increase my self-confidence and what I think of certain self-attributes of mine, but I can't think of anything. For improving self-confidence, all I can think of is what I've already said a million times. I honestly believe that if I had just kept to myself, and not tried making any contact or friendships whatsoever with other people after getting out of school (i. e., online, since I don't go anywhere in real life), I would at least believe in my own worth toward myself, and would believe that I could have worth to others, IF I could only reach them somehow. Six years online has pretty much destroyed that belief. So short of turning back the clock, and retreating into my shell completely and giving up on the world, I can't think of any way I could gain any of my bit of self-confidence back. It's simply too late. I can make a hundred phone calls, order my own dinner week after week, make eye contact every day--it still won't matter because I'll never believe those things matter. It just seems to be an endless circle and I can't see any way out of it.

And it's even worse trying to write what I think of my self-attributes. Even if I did completely understand what to write about, I couldn't do it. I sit and no words come whatsoever. It's not just a mental blank--it's like running hard into a wall. I literally can't type up any words. Just sitting and thinking about it has made me start crying. I can't be sure why. It's just that talking about my self-attributes, I have to sit and write about what I like and dislike, and I can't seem to do that. I can write in general what I hate about myself, but I can't ever flatter myself. And I just can't sit and talk about lofty things like my mind and my creativity and whatever the hell else she means by "attributes" because...I don't even know. I just can't talk/write about myself like that.

I remember when I used to see my old psychologist she wanted me to make these things called "I statements"--sentences starting with "I," in which I guess I was supposed to tell things about myself. I couldn't do it at all. All I could do was cry. This feels just like that. I don't know why it's such a problem when it's obvious from here that I have all sorts of things to write about, and have no problem writing about myself, but these particular things, I can't seem to do it without crying and coming up blank.

So all I wrote down was my stupid useless memories and a stupid comment about how I can't think of any way to increase my self-esteem and a stupid comment about how I can't write about my self-attributes. One out of three and it's the most useless one of the three. A lot of good that did me. And I'm in such a poor mood now that I don't think I can get myself to write any fiction today either, not that it matters.