10-04-06 @ 7:05 am EDT

I don't even know if I remember what happened in yesterday's session, my mind is so fuzzy. -_- I went into my room to doze and then read and ended up dozing, reading a few paragraphs, then dozing again...well...at least maybe I'm caught up on sleep now. They had to schedule yesterday's appointment for a half hour later so I only got about four hours of sleep afterwards.

I notice I'm just sitting here staring blankly and examining my fingernails and wondering if the wind is going to send a tree branch crashing down on the computer. o_o Ugh, my memory is lousy. It wasn't very eventful anyway. She asked how I was feeling lately and I said depressed; she asked why and I said it was the usual reasons. Asked if I'd done anything with my photos yet and I mentioned the framing and uploading I've been doing at DA. Doing anything else? Writing, as usual. She said she'd wanted me to write some things and started looking through her notes so I summarized what it was she'd wanted me to write down, and had to tell her that I'd come up blank for two parts of it, the ways to boost self-confidence and what I think about certain attributes of mine, but I'd typed up what I remembered from childhood. So I gave her that. She commented on the font size. O_o I hadn't even noticed it was smaller. It was just the default. I did notice as I printed it out that I'd forgotten to narrow the margins, though, but I figured I was the only person who ever noticed dumb things like that.

She remarked that I seemed to remember quite a bit from Head Start. Well, compared to kindergarten and first grade, I suppose, seeing as all I remember of the former is the cardboard blocks and a sandbox, and all I MIGHT remember of the latter is a dim memory of walking down a dirt path in the country and that might not even be a real memory. It's like kindergarten and first grade (and to a lesser extent second grade) are a big nothing. *shrug* As she read over what I'd typed up she made several comments about certain parts of it, regarding Mya, how I'd felt typing up the memories, if I'd recalled more since then, etc.... She asked if I recalled any emotions I'd felt during my elementary school years and I mentioned that every time school got out for the summer I was sad because I liked school (geek that I was). So overall elementary school was a positive experience? I guess. She kept commenting that I seemed very curious and liked learning...I said, well, about some things, not so much about others. "You don't seem very curious about other people," she said, and I shook my head. :/ Well...I'm curious about them when we have things in common...otherwise it's just like any other subject, people are nice to chatter to a bit, but I don't want to ask them all about their lives.

She noticed I'd cut off after sixth grade; I did this as that's where my memories are pretty much established and it would have been far too tedious to keep going, plus, age twelve is around where puberty begins so I figured that was what she meant by childhood, up to age twelve. She saw my comments about age eleven being when I was last happiest and how I had outside confirmation of this; I told her of the guidance counselor in high school browsing through my yearbooks and saying that after elementary school, "You lost your smile." She wanted to know if anything prompted this; I told of how Mya had moved away when I was in junior high and I'd never really made any other friends as good as her. Was there any other reason? Not that I could think of. She asked if I would pick up with memories from junior high for the next time...I don't really see the point, but I nodded. I think I'll be more general this time because I can't remember things class by class and teacher by teacher without a list of the classes and teachers I had, which I don't have on me. She'd wanted to know if I'd felt anything during gathering all these memories and I'd said no, but it was kind of difficult gathering them in any semblance of order. Junior high is going to be even harder. >_< At least in elementary school you have only one teacher a year...

I just paused to save this file and completely lost track of where I was...

Well...she might have had a few more comments on that but I can't remember. She asked if I could think of any ways to increase my self-confidence and I again said that I honestly couldn't think of anything. About the self-attributes, she asked if I could list anything good about myself and I shook my head. "What about intelligence?" she said. "I already know you're curious and you like learning about things. Do you think that you're intelligent?"

"Not any more than anyone else," I mumbled.

"Well, surely there are more intelligent people out there, but there are also people not as intelligent as you."

I shrugged; yeah, so? o_o My (unstated) point is that I can't think of a single thing in my character/deeds that sets me above or apart from anyone else as being necessary in the world; everything I do is something somebody else could do, probably a lot better. I guess it's vain to want to be capable of something that stands out, but at least I would have a reason for being here. In any case, that's why flattery and compliments don't really work on me much. Somebody says that I'm nice, or talented, or whatever, and all I can think is 1. yeah, whatever; or 2. and somebody out there is a LOT more nice or talented than I am, so, so what? I can't seem to put a positive spin on anything...

Oh. I just remembered she asked if I'd ever thought of visiting places other than Mackinac Island, and I said yes, but the places I want to visit, my parents say are too far away. She was surprised by this and seemed to find it hard to believe, but truthfully, the Pictured Rocks and Estivant Pines, etc., ARE much further away than Traverse City (and it's not like we go to Traverse City every year). They've said that we'd have to rent a motel room and stay the night just to see these places and we can't afford that. Was there anywhere I could go that wouldn't depend on my parents taking me there? No. I don't know why she finds that so hard to believe. I have no car, I can't afford one, I can't afford the insurance, I have no license, and I don't even trust myself to drive a car right; I don't feel safe taking control of such a big thing. So no, short of my parents taking me somewhere, I can't really go. I didn't mention how in addition my parents just don't like walking around like I do, so even if they could drive me up to some sort of nature place, what would they do, sit and wait for hours in the car while I wander around alone and end up lost...? I could only do Mackinac Island because I already know it so well.

She asked if I felt I'd done anything to take any steps lately and I shook my head. This is where I sensed her impatience and irritation with me; she was as friendly voiced as ever but said that I was going to have to start taking such steps if I wanted to improve. Uh-huh, this is where I automatically feel like clamming up and just giving up on the whole thing. I don't know if she's not the right therapist or if therapy in general is just a stupid idea, I've told her a billion times that making phone calls and eye contact etc. won't make me believe in myself as anything other than worthless, if she doesn't get it by now she never will. I'm really getting tired of this. I was probably better off before therapy; at least I did all my crying to myself and didn't bother other people with it, if I could help it.

So she reiterated about typing up things about junior high so we could "figure out what went wrong" or something like that. I don't think there's really much to figure out; after elementary school, which is a friendly environment where individual students are praised for their abilities and making friends is relatively easy, you learn that the rest of the world isn't like that, that your talents are a dime a dozen, that you're virtually nothing in the vast sea of other people, and that as soon as your best friend moves away, you have no one left who really believes in you...and bad run-ins with one false friend after another gradually wear down the belief you had in yourself. It's as simple as that. In junior high, I got a taste of what the REAL world was like...and it was a world that had no place for me. Still doesn't seem to.

So I guess that was about it...I didn't cry as much but I don't feel any better or more accomplished or anything. It's again just that feeling of why am I even bothering with this.

Cripes, my cat just bit me for no reason!! >_<

I'm drawing blanks again... :/ Well...I got these two CDs on eBay recently, and really like them, so I guess I'd recommend them...they're some kind of Latin-chanting-dance-beat-type thing. The second CD, which has no samples available, is better than the first.

ASIN: B000007ODM Era Product Type: Music List Price: $ 13.98 Amazon's Price: $ 13.98 [Buy Now!]

ASIN: B00004UFYU Era, Vol. 2 Product Type: Music List Price: $ 28.49 Amazon's Price: $ 28.49 [Buy Now!]

I had to wait for them to come up from a seller in Quebec because all the other ones I've seen are being sold from like Argentina and Thailand and stuff. Ugh. They have a third CD but I'll have to wait to get it. I just wish I knew what they're saying, it's mostly in Latin so I have no clue. :/ And lyrics sites bring up total idiots' GUESSES at what they're saying...you wouldn't believe how off they are on the English lyrics alone, ugh. I got the most coherent lyrics to one song from a RUSSIAN site, go figure.

Ma and Dad are mad at each other about airplane tickets... -_- I hope they don't end up giving each other the cold shoulder for days. I hate the cold shoulder. It's the most juvenile way of reacting to any situation. I think I'd rather be yelled at than get the cold shoulder, because at least when you're getting yelled at, the other person is acknowledging your existence. When they disagree about things why don't they just discuss them rather than wait for them to blow up and then ignore each other? :( When I blow up or ignore people it's immature, but when parents do it it's just fine...?

And Ma said the ATM ripped her off of my money; it didn't give her the money, then when she tried withdrawing it again it said it HAD been withdrawn. So she tried contacting the ATM people, who told her to contact the card people, who told her to contact my caseworker, so she's going to have to call Gretchen to see if she can get my money back. She was very upset about this and kept wondering if she'd done something wrong, but there's virtually nothing you can do wrong with that ATM other than try to withdraw too much, and even then it'll tell you. She said another girl used it right after her and it worked just fine; stupid piece of junk. So I'm out $60 or $140 or something, I don't know, and we'll have to see if the caseworker can do anything about it. I said to Ma, now do you wonder why I get pissed off and hit things so often?

I know I'm going to hate saying this...because EVERY single time I express any sort of gratitude, I soon enough regret it...but I may as well say that I appreciate the comments and such that were sent over my last entry. I've just felt so lonely lately. -_- And you think I'd just be used to it by now, but it never goes away.

I typed all the above offline and now I'm online. Just wanted to say that I'm not feeling terribly lousy right now, especially because of the comments I've received; I liked reading them. I just always seem to sound way pissier whenever I'm writing about sessions for some reason. *shrug* I felt kind of invisible lately and that always makes me feel rather lousy...and I think my hormones are acting up... -_-