10-11-06 @ 6:39 am EDT

I get the feeling I'm really making Psychologist struggle to think of something to even talk about during our sessions. :/

She asked a few of the Standard Questions, to which I gave the Standard Answers, and she eventually asked how I'd been doing with my writing. I didn't know if she meant my fiction, the writing I was supposed to do for her, or both, so I could only answer something like, "Same as usual." Truly, when someone asks me how I'm doing with my writing, they should be specific because there's just so much of it. I thought that was pretty clear but I guess not...

She asked if I'd done the writing about junior high and I handed it over. She asked if I'd felt anything while writing it up and I shrugged and said not really. I think she's trying to pinpoint where I feel specific emotions in regard to incidents in the past, in an attempt to figure out what specifically, if anything, triggered my anxiety. If that's what she's looking for, she's not going to find much. I've always been terribly shy; it just didn't show as much in elementary school because bla bla bla, look over previous entries to see why. Mya's moving away in junior high was a big turning point which she's already aware of--and she saw this again when she browsed my writing--so if she wants a reason for why I'm so withdrawn now, that's as close as she's going to get to anything. "It looks like in junior high things rather changed and started going downhill," she said, to which I nodded; of course it was. I've said that already. I said it way back when I first started applying for disability. I think I know when things went downhill.

In case I sound bitchy in this entry, rest assured that I'm not. I don't feel bitchy right now, at least. In fact I feel itchy. My nose. I seem to have acquired yet another head cold. >_<

Anyway, she commented on a few things in what I'd written, nothing portentous. "Did things get better in high school?" she asked, to which I murmured, "Not really." How about college? I shook my head. I did have a few kinda-friends in high school but nobody like Mya, and nobody I hung out with outside school. OH! Except for the few times I spent with Desirae and/or Eric, and anybody who frequently reads this journal knows how THOSE went. In college, I shared a couple of classes with Dianne, but that was all. One can't really call any of that "getting better."

Would I be willing to write up what I recall of high school for next time? *sigh* What is she hoping to get out of this? I nodded anyway. I feel kind of sorry for her now because she's really digging hard to find SOMETHING to pinpoint and work on, and I'm just not giving her anything to work with. You can't really pinpoint something when you've just always been this way.

She asked if I'd had any dreams? I nodded and told her about the one in my last entry ("Advanced Art"). She seemed to think it was telling me to...take art courses! >_<; And again she asked if I'd ever considered taking more classes, such as online ones. "It's too expensive and I don't really know what I would do with it," I answered. I mean, honestly. I even told her again that I only went to college in the first place because I didn't know what ELSE to do after high school--I could hardly have gone out and gotten a job. Why does she keep pressing me to consider taking more college classes?? I think (but am not certain) that she believes that if I "get out" there and take more classes, I'll increase my social contacts and perhaps improve somewhat. But I know already, from EXPERIENCE, that this is not so. Did I not already take two years of college, both here in town and out of town, and not make one single contact or improve one bit? All I did was focus on the learning material. There was ONE occasion when a lady in one of my classes tentatively offered to have me come over to her place so we could study together, and all I could do was stare at the floor and shrug a lot. She never talked to me again, and in fact, I think she dropped out of that class shortly after because she stopped showing up. I hope that my inability to talk to her didn't drive her to give up, it wasn't anything personal. But aside from the couple of classes which I shared with Dianne, that was the extent of my social contacts throughout two years of college. I didn't chat or hang out with anybody, I didn't befriend anybody, and when I worked in groups it was only for the sake of the class; in fact I sometimes just ended up working alone rather than in a group because it was easier that way. Every day, I went home alone and did my work alone, and showed up alone at class the next day, ate my lunch alone, went home alone again. It was just about taking classes for the sake of taking classes because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't go to college because I WANTED to, I just couldn't think of anything else. And it certainly wasn't for the social interaction! Out of all the schools I've gone to, college was the least social. Truly, when all you do is take classes, how is one expected to make friends? I don't get it. It's not like I could chat people up while taking my Anatomy notes. :/

So...why all this emphasis on taking more classes? Especially ones I can't afford, and honestly, don't WANT to take? She said I seem to be curious about learning things. Well, yes, but that's what books are for, isn't it? :/ When I want to learn about something, I just look for a book or a website. I think I've learned a LOT more from my reading, and browsing the Web, than I ever did in college--a lot more that I can actually remember, at least. I really can't think of any classes that I want to take to really learn something I can't learn from a book or a website. Except for Ojibwa language, and there's no way I'd ever be good enough for that, and can you imagine Stupid White Girl showing up at an Indian college just to learn the language?? Eegh.

Cripes, I sound really pissy and I don't mean to. I'm just puzzled about the things she's putting such emphasis on. It's almost like she's niggling at me to take more classes when in all truth I don't want to and don't even see the point of it. *shrug*

She asked if I was interested in taking art classes and I probably shook my head. Did I like drawing? Kind of, but I don't do it much. Why not? Because none of it ever turns out the way I want it to. So I felt my drawings had to turn out a "certain way"? I nodded. This led to a big discussion about my OCD. o_o She seems to still be laboring under the perception that I'm actively minimizing my symptoms or "holding things back" regarding this, so I kept trying to mention that I'm not. She asked about my various obsessions and compulsive behaviors, rituals, etc., and I went over a few. Funny thing is, when she'd ask how often I'd do them and I'd answer, she would say they didn't sound that serious! Well...why focus on my OCD if she doesn't think it's that bad? Just strange. "I feel you don't like touching things that belong to other people," she suggested, which puzzled me; well, I don't like touching doorknobs and shopping cart handles and such, but other than that... She brought up how whenever she offers me a tissue for my crying, I refuse to accept one--she thought that was a sign of my OCD! o_o I told her how I just don't like taking/accepting things from other people; it embarrasses me. That's why I bring a paper towel to every session and use that instead. So if she were to offer me a tissue, she asked, could I take it? Confused, I said, "If I needed it." ??? I just haven't needed one yet because I always come prepared, so I don't HAVE to need one. I think my not accepting tissues is more a sign of the social anxiety than the OCD. I have no trouble touching a clean tissue. I might be obsessive, but I'm no Monk. :/ I just don't like having to rely on other people for things; it's like my trouble asking for help when I need it. It makes me feel bad.

Were there any things I wasn't telling her about the OCD? I said it wasn't that, it's just that I'm so used to most of my rituals that I can't think of them off the top of my head. This is one case where I think she might be better off talking to my mother, because a lot of things that to others would be considered "rituals" (and rightly so), to me are just "normal" behaviors. I forgot to mention, for example, how I set my alarm clock to wake me up every hour so I can go to the bathroom. To ME, this has logic in it, because I prefer that to waking up like twenty minutes before it's time to get up, having to really use the bathroom, and missing out on twenty minutes of sleep!! And I also just LIKE waking up, seeing I have yet another hour or so to sleep, and then going back to bed. So :P But to others, yes, that's a weird ritual behavior. So even though my mother misunderstands a lot of my rituals, she might be better equipped to describe a few of the ones I would otherwise miss, and THEN I could explain what they mean and why I do them. In a half-hour session there isn't really time for that though so I didn't suggest it...she asked me to write up some stuff about my OCD to bring in (*SIGH*), so I nodded.

She asked if I felt my OCD was a bad problem and if I wanted to work on THAT, or if I felt something else was my main problem. I reiterated that I'm pretty much used to my OCD and it's my social anxiety that truly bothers me. Again, I sensed her seeking something else to focus on because the social anxiety stuff is getting nowhere. Maybe she feels OCD would be easier to work on? Sorry I let her down on that one...but even she said my OCD doesn't sound that bad...truly, I could live with fussing about my hair all the time, recording TV shows endlessly, setting my alarm clock every hour, etc., rather than agonizing every waking moment over what horrible things people must be thinking about me, and me thinking about what an awful person I am. If you could pick one of those to live with which would YOU choose? I really think most people would choose the annoying rituals over the endless agonizing any day.

At some point, she asked what I thought of the season. O_o Where did THAT come from?? "It's okay but I prefer summer," I replied. Why do I like summer? "The trees are green and you can open the windows at night." So, what did I think of winter? :? "It doesn't bother me as much as it used to but I don't much care for it." Wha...?? Does she think maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or something...? I can safely say that I don't...I mean...I sleep during the day, and I like it when it's gloomy outside. I just don't like the coldness and barrenness of winter, that's all. Those questions really puzzled me.

Next came a barrage of more questions that seemed to be struggling to focus on something to talk about. Had I heard back from Dianne yet? No. Had I gone out and done anything the past week? No. Had I put my Mackinac Island pictures up yet? No. Had anything happened during the last week which I felt like talking about? No. Did anything good happen when we went shopping? No. Anything bad? No... She asked if I could think of anything that I would like to talk about, and just like a hundred times before, I mumbled, "I can't think of anything." "I think it would be making progress if you could think of something you want to talk about," she said, to which I could only stare at the floor, and that was about it.

I didn't mention how the only thing I ever really FEEL like talking about is my writing, writing, writing--but I can't talk about that because number one, she's not interested, and when somebody's not interested, I may as well be physically mute; and number two, talking about my writing doesn't have anything to do with me "getting better" (yes, in quotes), so monopolizing sessions yapping about my writing, even if I COULD overcome my muteness, wouldn't do any good or make any progress in the way that she's thinking of progress. So...no...I honestly have nothing to talk about.

Several years back, a WDC member suggested that I have Asperger's syndrome. I looked it up at Google and read it over and even typed up an entire entry about it way back then; too lazy to look it up, I doubt anybody could wallow through it anyway. In short though, I went over all the symptoms and concluded that no, I definitely do not have that, and based on a couple of TV actors' portrayals of people with it, I still believe I don't. But now I think I know why that person suggested it in the first place. I just can't seem to relate to people on a close level outside very strict, narrow boundaries--namely, within the context of my writing. Beyond that, I just can't seem to form any close relationships and I really don't have much interest in doing so. This lack of interest in forming relationships is probably what led Psychologist to believe early on that I'm schizoid or schizotypal when I'm not. But I think I see where she got the idea. I'm very self-centered and have a very narrow field of focus, and beyond that, it's like...eh. :/ I can be chatty with people in e-mails and such but I just never form that feeling of "closeness" that I had back when Mya and I shared each other's characters and stories. For some reason, I can't relate well to others unless it involves my writing, and that's showing up even here, in sessions. Since I know that she isn't interested in my writing, I won't/can't open up or talk much to her, and as a result we spend sessions just sitting there, her throwing pointless questions at me and me just shrugging and staring at the floor.

It's probably best this way, in a sense, because I don't WANT to get close to her; I got close to my last psychologist only to have to break it off, and that still hurts finding out that she probably only cared because she was paid to. Patients aren't supposed to think of psychologists as friends. It's for the best that she's not interested in my writing because when people express interest in what I write, I tend to leap all over that and get really desperate to make a friend. Never works out. I probably scare people off when I beg them to e-mail me again after they say they liked a story of mine. They were just, after all, saying they liked one story, not that they liked ME personally. Thing is, I'm so wrapped up in my writing that I often don't even see the difference. In a sense, my writing IS me.

So that's why her asking me to think of something to talk about is pretty fruitless, because the one thing I want to talk about is the one thing that I know won't help in sessions and that I can't talk about anyway. That's the Catch-22 of this, I love yapping about my writing, but I'm so used to people losing interest in it that I CAN'T yap about it to anybody anymore. I wish she understood that this is why I just sit there mute. I used to want to talk (she should really ask Mrs. R., my old psychologist, for my old records--I was a chatterbox back then), but after enough times getting burned, words don't come.

So NOW I have to type up stuff about high school (ugh...), my OCD, and prepare myself for yet ANOTHER session of her asking me a bunch of questions to which I have no answers...after which I can return home and go to sleep and prepare myself for another week of the same...how many weeks do I have left now? Six? Seven? This is frustrating and saddening, because it would have been nice to at least feel comfortable talking to her, even if it didn't help me become more social. I can't even do that anymore. Well, like I said, it's for the best that I don't get close to her, so it won't hurt as much when it's over. Do you know that if she were to cancel on me now, it wouldn't even bother me? That's how useful these sessions strike me as being now; I'd rather go to sleep than show up for another round of pointless questions and staring at the floor.

I do feel rather sorry for her because after yesterday I really feel she's struggling to think of SOMETHING to talk about, SOME way to break through to me, when the truth is I already know what would break through to me and it's the one thing that it's useless to talk about and I can't talk about it anyway. I thought I'd made this all clear in the things I'd written to her before, but maybe she didn't get to read those, or maybe I was just too wordy. Or maybe she thinks I'm wrong and there's some other way through. Anyway, it's too bad that I'm wasting so much of her time like this. I wonder what she's writing in her notes, that I'm terribly stubborn and refuse to open up, or that I'm painfully shy and can't open up? I do hope it's not the former. :/ I always imagine her seeing me sitting in the waiting room or looking at her schedule and thinking, "GOD, not her again..." -_-