10-25-06 @ 11:51 pm EDT

I originally intended to type up an entry a day detailing how things are currently going (I'm typing this up on my sister-in-law's computer in Georgia), but the first night I was too exhausted, and by now I don't really feel like going to the trouble of outlining every single day anyway. So for now this will do.

First off, I want to reiterate a longstanding request regarding my journal, based on an anonymous note one version received. I post in my journal to vent, to rant, to complain, and, yes, to WHINE. I can't complain about most of this stuff in real life so here it goes in my journal. As I've said before, that was the original purpose of me keeping an online journal in the first place. I never even INTENDED to post about my daily life or any such.

I do NOT post in my journal to seek advice. I know how people feel inclined to give advice now and then, so that's why for the most part I tolerate it. However, when people get pissed off that I don't TAKE their advice, and that I just keep whining, that's when I get fed up. I'm not obligated to take anyone's unasked-for advice. And I shouldn't have to feel like an ungrateful bitch because I don't. If somebody reading this feels inclined to give me advice, be prepared to accept me NOT accepting it, and please do so in good grace. Because if I keep getting people telling me to stop whining and get out there and do something, or that I must enjoy being so miserable because I don't do what anyone else says, etc. etc. etc., then I'm just going to quit posting in here period. That's not a threat like it might have been in the past. That's my irritation speaking. I no longer feel it worth the trouble to have to defend myself and be made to feel like an ingrate just because people get pissed off when I don't take their advice.

So okay, if it makes you feel better to think I'm whiny or I enjoy being miserable or I'm lazy etc. etc., fine, go ahead. But PLEASE don't bother telling me so because this is my JOURNAL and the most such comments will do is make me just shut up, period. I'm sick of defending myself, and continuing to post in here under such circumstances just isn't worth the trouble.

Never mind the fact that for all the complaining I do, I often later on GO AHEAD AND DO THE VERY THING I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING TO DO. Here I am in Georgia and how many times have I been HUGGED already? Just because I say I don't want to do something doesn't mean I haven't done it. Just the same as just because I HAVE done something doesn't mean it's gotten any easier. I still DETEST being hugged.

All of the above was in response to one anonymous note, so if you weren't the one who left it, don't worry. A couple of other people have expressed similar thoughts, but it was that particular one that got me fed up. I realize these people have valid points but I never posted in my journal in the first place to argue such a point. I write in here to VENT, to whine, and to possibly receive commiseration and/or encouragement in response. There, I admit that I'm looking for commiseration or encouragement. I don't mind people offering advice because it's only natural, I do it too, but if I don't take that advice, and continue to whine, I'd really appreciate not being treated like an ingrate who enjoys being miserable. It's fine for people to think that I am. I just don't need to be told it. I find it amazing that people expect me to think higher of myself even while they're telling me I'm lazy and enjoy being miserable and etc. etc. Commiseration and encouragement goes a lot longer toward helping me feel better about myself than "You must be addicted to being miserable."

And do you know what? I feel like I have to apologize now for all that lest I have hurt somebody's feelings or pissed them off. But SCREW THAT. It's my journal, I admit that I whine in here, readers are free to feel I'm as lazy and ungrateful as they want, and I reserve the right to just clam up and let Skew go stale if such comments continue. I never claimed my journal was some sort of effort at bettering myself. I've always claimed the opposite. If anybody's disappointed about that...too bad. My journal isn't here for your purposes.

On now to the entry, if I even still feel like writing after all that, which I don't really...

Cripes. And I do mean not really. After all that, typing up anything else just feels like blah. Well, the flights were uneventful. The planes were ridiculously small though; I actually felt tall on them. Stupid things. The Traverse City airport, where Dad dropped us off, was really nice and posh and we sat and waited in an area that looked just like some den in a hunting lodge, only without dead animals decorating the walls. :/ So okay, I have no description. When we went through security we had to remove our shoes. O_o Things have changed since I last flew in 2000, I guess. I felt very weird walking barefoot in an airport, and nearly lost my pencil when it fell off my jacket while going through the X-ray. Ma gave her hand cream to Dad rather than worry over how much it weighed because of the new limits on what you can carry on planes. On the plane I took some nice pictures of clouds, using zoom to try to avoid the ever-present wing (Ma asks how we always end up on the wing; I say that EVERYBODY is always on the wing, it's a strange scientific fact), but they might be blurry because I had to turn off the flash; I won't know until I get home as there's no drive on these computers for a camera card. *shrug* Oh well. We had a long layover at O'Hare (butt-ugly airport) and it seems Ma and I are like the only people left on Earth who do not have cell phones. Then we got to Chattanooga, and were picked up by Eric and Shannon, the end.

I say the end only because I don't feel like going into details like I usually do in here. They drove us home and Rayne, the aforementioned niece, was waiting there. Bla bla, we got settled in, ate, I slept on this air mattress and woke up every two hours almost exactly, having to really use the bathroom. And had a couple of strange dreams which I've typed up but won't post until later. That was the 24th. The 25th, which is still today I guess, we went to the mall (I got a couple of Cirque Du Soleil CDs in a music store but I'm not sure if I'll like them, they sound kind of odd :/ ), where Rayne had to jump on the bungee (sic?) thing...it's this harness thing over a trampoline-type thing and you strap in and jump up really high. Rayne really likes it and the guy running the thing seemed familiar with her. After that we went to Books-A-Million (not in the mall, it appears), where I couldn't find any interesting books on Indians (poo :/ ) but bought one on Egyptian mythology and one on character development in writing, and bought Ma a beading calendar because she was interested but didn't want to spend her money on it. Everywhere we went the cashiers offered us frequent buyer cards and discounts and we had to keep informing them that we were from out of town. Must be a mall thing. Ma then went to a craft store but it was so overwhelming that she got to explore only part of it. We drove away, only to discover that Rayne had forgotten her doll there, so we had to go back to get it. Oh, we also ate there. I would have had a cappucino (sic??) or latte or something because they had this GORGEOUS-looking coffee/tea place called Barnie's, I think, but didn't get the chance, oh well. Came home, Shannon made these nice sandwich-thingies, I finally had a chance to go online for more than a few minutes to type up my dreams (I don't want to save things in Notepad or anything on somebody else's computer so a while back I opened up a private LJ where I've backed up all of my important writing, I could even be working on EFMI right now if I wanted...which I don't), totally missed Criminal Minds and CSI:NY so decided to finish that and come in here and finally type up a proper journal entry. Bla bla bla bla, that's about it, now I have to look forward to another night on this dumb air mattress...I miss real mattresses. *sigh*

I can imagine myself scratching Coz's ears and giving him noogies. -_- I miss him. I've instead been scratching Magni's (the big black Lab's) ears and giving him noogies. He has a lot in common with my cat. Scaredy-dog. He has some sort of sores or something on his back so I won't let him lick my face. :/ I've been pretty skeeved out sleeping and living in someone else's house; everything feels "dirty." It's not as bad right now as the first night, but it's still there; it gets worse at night. I'm okay as long as it's daytime and we're out of the house but when we come back here and hang out, or in the mornings before we leave, I feel lousy. Probably because it reminds me so much that I'm not just on a trip to the store or something. And I've never liked sleeping in strange places, using the bathroom in strange places, making my home in strange places...it's not awful here but I can't wait to get home. Our home is a total mess, but it's OUR mess. And there are no children.

Lest anyone get the wrong idea...Rayne is a sweetheart. She CONSTANTLY says, "Mema (Mima?) (her name for Ma), I love you" and "Aunt Rachel, I love you," and she's constantly (CONSTANTLY >_< ) hugging and jumping on people and patting them on the shoulder and climbing over them and AAGHH. My first night here when I was sitting at the table, before I'd formally acknowledged her existence, she sidled up to me and stood at my knee, hands folded, swaying back and forth and then clearing her throat, and when I finally looked at her she hugged me. >_<;; She's sweet, but I still detest being hugged. All I can do is tolerate it and try not to cringe too much, and say "I love you too" in response even though I hate saying "I love you" to anybody but pets. She's a good kid, but...kids just aren't my thing.

And I don't feel like I should have to apologize for saying or feeling that.

So no, I don't hate her, lest anybody

(She just stepped in on me and showed me her "eye-ring"...she had two googly-eyes on her finger...I couldn't understand most of what she just said. O_o Nobody understands most of what she says. Pretty much we nod and say, "Mm-hm!" and that seems to suffice.)

lest anybody get the wrong idea. I DON'T HATE KIDS! What I do is FEAR them because they're even more difficult for me to approach than adults. I have GREAT difficulty talking to people who aren't on the same "level" as I am. I've noticed that I can talk to Eric and Shannon just fine--I

(She just came in to inform me that a computer picture of a green witch with a cauldron is her picture of me dressed up for Halloween, then she had great fun jumping up and down on my air mattress before Shannon came and threatened her out.)

I don't make eye contact, but I can reply to them, and make comments of my own unprompted. But when Rayne tries getting my attention or saying things, I'm literally TERRIFIED and have no idea what to do. I don't know how to approach kids, how to respond, so I just panic mentally. All I can do when she talks to me is parrot what she says or let out a stupid terrified laugh, which so far seems to satisfy her, please let it keep satisfying her. I dread the thought of saying something to a kid and earning the blank-kid-stare in response. So I just give stupid nervous-as-hell laughs and pray that they'll go away soon. Ma and Shannon keep bailing out on me to go smoke on the porch, and I keep ending up alone with Rayne, and I dread those moments. It's not out of any hate toward Rayne. I just panic and can never think of what to do. Kids are blunt and honest, and won't politely pretend that your inadequate responses are adequate. That's what I fear from kids, their bluntness and honesty. Kids lack tact, and I value tact highly in people.

So I HOPE that clarifies any mistaken ideas I may have given people, leading them to think I'm some kind of kid-hating monster. Just take my anxious feelings toward adults, and magnify them tenfold, and you have what I feel about kids.

That, and they put their hands all over you... >_<;;

Ugh, I seem to have caught an awful cold and can't stop sneezing and sniffling. It's almost midnight and I took a sleeping pill tonight but it doesn't seem to be kicking in yet. And Rayne is still up. I thought she was going to bed. -_- They run things very weird in this house, they don't even cover their windows at night--there are NO CURTAINS here in the computer room where I sleep, and it feels terribly exposed! Ugh.

I do hope I don't have to keep going to the bathroom like yesterday but I drank a lot of tea tonight...

I probably had something else I originally wanted to write but don't feel like it now even if I did remember. And even though I still feel like I should apologize lest I hurt somebody or pissed them off with all the early part of this entry, I'm not going to. People keep telling me to take a stand and show some guts, well, there they go. It isn't what they wanted but I never said this journal is what other people wanted.

Maybe I'll read a little or something. This is not proofread in the least because I have no MS Works with spellcheck on it here, and I don't feel like proofing it by now, because it doesn't feel worth the trouble. I don't know when my next entry will be, or if. So I guess that's it.