11-15-06 @ 6:40 am EST

I don't like my psychologist. I know it sounds rude, I'm pretty sure she's a decent person overall, but as my psychologist, I don't care for her, and I'm decided.

She just completely does not "get" me. A few times in early sessions she started off on right tracks that I would have been willing to explore had SHE been more persistent and seemed genuinely interested. I know she's a psychologist for poorer people and has a heavy caseload, but she could have feigned interest or something. She couldn't even do that. Now all of you who still read this know that as soon as somebody shows they're not really interested, or that they're too busy, I clam up with them and don't want to talk further. SHE should even know this, because I've written it down a million times and surely it was in some of those entries I printed out for her! But she still doesn't get why I don't talk, why I won't open up, and if she's going to continue to be so clueless around me I don't want her as my psychologist. All I felt in yesterday's session was irritation. If I were a far ruder person, I would just get up, say, "Screw it," and walk out. This is honestly time I could much better spend getting more sleep. Sessions are so pointless and inane now that all I feel is irritated, and while I know therapy isn't meant to be pleasant, still, how useful can it be for you if all you feel is irritated?

She didn't do anything in particular yesterday to piss me off. But that's just it. Everything was the SAME as it always is. She always asks me the same dull questions! How many times am I expected to answer them? And she asks the big open-ended ones ("Tell me about your trip to Georgia"--CRIPES, woman) that leave me mute, and then she had the gall to say, "Do you not feel like talking to me today?" If I'd been ruder I would have said, "I never feel like talking to you, haven't you noticed??" But that would have concealed the real fact of the matter that I CAN'T ANSWER OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS, something I've even written to her in my entries. Like I said--it's like it all goes over her head.

"How was your week?" What do you honestly expect me to keep saying in response to this, "It was terribly shitty and awful!" or "I did a million wonderful things, here they are in no particular order"?

"Could you tell me about your trip to Georgia?" It was TWELVE DAYS. Cripes, I won't even bother explaining this one.

"Did you do anything on your trip?" See the above, I'm sure that if you've read like ONE other therapy entry in here you'll get where I'm coming from.

"You don't seem to have trouble writing about things, why do you have such trouble talking about them?" I don't mean to be snotty with this but...she's a psychologist?? And she asks me this??

"Is the medication helping?" How many times does she have to ask this? The Lexapro hasn't suddenly started doing something weird. It's the same as last week, the week before that, the month before that, and before that... When I started the drug, I was going through something with someone I knew, and so I was crying a lot. I'm not currently going through something like that, so I'm not crying as much. If I end up going through that something again, I could very well start crying every day again. This is why I get so fed up when people ask me how the medication is doing--I REALLY DON'T KNOW. For all I know I'm crying less because I'm not currently having a really bad issue with someone! I can safely say that no, it's doing NOTHING for my short temper and irritability, but that's kind of obvious, isn't it? Perhaps not so strangely, nobody I've been in contact with in therapy has thought of asking anything along these lines.

"How often are you crying?" I keep a running count of the times, I guess I just forgot to bring it. (One of her missions for me next time, to keep track of how often I cry! It's not exactly something I love DWELLING on...)

God, I'm so bored with how the session went, I won't even bother spending time thinking up any of the other inane questions, you get the picture, all the same as always. I managed to show her my drawings I've been doing and she said they were very good (the Generic Compliment always gets my heart soaring), then asked if I'd ever thought of going into animation or anything like that...oh CRIPES already. I'm not being modest here. I'm not even one-TENTH as good as many other people I find hanging out on an amateur art site, and THOSE people don't even have jobs as animators. While I'm mildly happy that I've at least got some halfway decent sketches of a few of my characters, to think that just because of this I should go into animation is just...CRIPES! I would laugh if I hadn't been so irritated. Have I ever envisioned my story as an animated movie, she asks? Yes, I also envision myself having wings and flying around or being an Egyptian god (not really, but), let's just wait and see that happen. When she asked that, I honestly couldn't tell if she meant REALISTICALLY (I hope my story to be a movie someday) or just figuratively (I daydream, like EVERYBODY else), so I felt very stupid answering!

She asked if I'd brought her anything to read from my trip in Georgia and I shook my head. "Well, that's the kind of thing I like to read!" she said. Oh really...I'm surprised by that. Considering that I have more than enough evidence to believe that she hasn't read the majority of the stuff I've printed out for her in the past--that's why I didn't bother bringing it! Like I'm going to print out every entry I wrote while in Georgia so she can glance it over in session and then stuff it away somewhere and never look at the rest? Ink cartridges cost $30. Paper costs too. And it's insulting to print all this crap out, have like 10% of it glanced at, and the rest overlooked. So no, I didn't bring any. She wrangled the promise out of me that I'll bring it next time, but I'm still pissed off about that. I didn't mind bringing her things to read, as long as I had the thought that she would READ them. Not just browse. For her to keep asking me to write stuff and bring it to her just irritates me no end. Now I have to waste MORE ink and paper on this.

And I suspect she doesn't even thoroughly look over her notes from previous sessions because she frequently forgets the things she told me to do for the next session. Recall how last time she wanted me to write up what I'd like my life to be like? "Dream a little"? Well, I DID print out that little bit I wrote up in response and I had that in my other pocket. She never asked for it or brought it up. Like in the past when she had me type up all that crap about my OCD, I can't recall her saying much or at all in response to that, if she did it was minimal; and when she had me print out all that stuff I wrote about Mackinac Island, I really WAS hoping she would read that and be interested in it, but beyond glancing at it in that one session she never said another word. There have been other times in the past when she asked me to do something for the next session and when that session came around I would have to remind her of what she'd told me to do! Surely she takes notes? If she doesn't look them over thoroughly before my sessions, then what good is all of this doing? I have to stop guilting myself with "She's overworked and doesn't have much time for you, live with it." Yes, I believe that, but she herself--and everyone else--keeps saying that MY session time is for ME. And it just doesn't seem like good psychologist behavior to be so neglectful. If she's overworked, she shouldn't have taken me on. I'm sorry if it wasn't her choice but it wasn't exactly my choice either. And she wonders why I won't speak up when she asks me things. I don't speak to people who have no time.

Oh, I forgot to mention how last week I didn't write about session because she cancelled again. It worked out okay because I didn't want to go that day anyway, but that would have been the FOURTH time she's cancelled on me in half a year. How good is this for a client...?

So all this has me fed up. She again brought up how review time is coming along--do I want to continue therapy or not? And how am I supposed to answer that?? I don't want to stop therapy but at the same time, I DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE IT WITH HER! I'm sincerely hoping that she's a better psychologist with OTHER people, just not with me. That it's just a personality conflict. She seems like a nice person, just not good as my psychologist. So I'm sorry that all my frustration comes out as such snitty sarcasm, that seems to be how I react when I get fed up. :/ She said we could decide that next time. So now I have to decide once and for all what will follow.

I really hate even the thought of it, but I wonder if I should try another psychologist. At the same place, of course, since all I have is Medicaid. Dianne suggested a different one in one of her letters and said I should try asking for her instead. And early on, when I mentioned this to Ma, she was supportive and said we should do it if things didn't work out. BUT, when I brought this up with her last night, she had changed her view and said, "What makes you think a second psychologist will be any different from the first?"

You know what? That's one of the concerns that makes me reluctant to even try it. What IF the next psychologist would end up being exactly the same? Worst case scenario, I learn that NOBODY out there will be able to help me out...but it's not like I ever believed anyone could, anyway. Everyone, Ma included, seemed to be saying that it was at least worth a second shot. But now of course she seems to have changed her mind. This frustrates me too. I need people with firm opinions to help me make decisions. I depend on her to help me out with such things. So when she changes her mind, it really confuses and bothers me. The same thing happened with the Risperdal. At first, she agreed with me that it didn't seem right to take it, and I took strength from her agreement. Then when I decided firmly that I didn't want to take it--she said maybe I should keep taking it after all! How come when I finally make up my mind, the other party changes theirs?? And people wonder why I don't like giving things a second shot. This is why; I have enough trouble making up my mind, when the other person offers their support and then withdraws it, what am I supposed to think? It makes me wonder just how wise my decisions are after all.

So I replied to her with, "Do you think I should give it another shot, or just give it up entirely??" I honestly don't know anymore. Up till now, everyone was saying that if things with Psychologist didn't work out, I should at least give it another shot with another therapist. Now when decision time comes, she withdraws that advice. The only other option is to give up entirely. Is that what she wants me to do? Because I don't see any third option available.

*deepbreath*

I'm HOPING we can rationally discuss this sometime before the next session, and come to a decision...but I can't help but vent in here because it really frustrates me. I've finally decided that Psychologist is doing me no good, and the person I look to for advice pretty much leaves me hanging on my own; so of course that's upsetting. I could really use her support, I wish she understood that. It's not easy at all for me to say I want to give something that, to me, is so pointless, another shot. I really DON'T believe another psychologist would make any difference. I hate possibly irritating Psychologist by saying I want to switch to someone else. And the thought of going through this crap all over again with yet another person bothers me. But I was willing to at least try it. Her indecision on this matter makes me doubt my own judgement and think I should give up after all.

What really happens if/when I give up, anyway? Do they take me off my medication and stop considering me for disability (if they even are, the state won't hand over my records to the lawyer)? The disability thing was the only reason I went through with this crap in the first place...

So that's how yesterday's stupid session went, and I don't even want to bother writing about it more. I already spent way too much time on something that was so inane and pointless. God, I am so irked by all this.

The backup battery for our computer was apparently fried in some power surges so we had to get a new one; so far it seems to be working, knock on wood, though that really had me upset because the old one kept turning off and taking the computer with it whether the power was flickering or not. I couldn't even use the computer to write much less go online. *sigh*

I'm taking notes on my writing again. In a different way this time. In that character development book I got at Books-A-Million, they mention a thing called the "character notebook." This was their name for a book where you write down details about your characters in development before you write a novel, but I just couldn't get that phrase out of my head, character notebook. Doesn't that sound like the most intriguing thing?? Now, I don't sit down and say, "I think I'll write a story," and then set about developing characters for it, so the book writers' idea of the character notebook doesn't really apply to me. I have most characters already existing in my head, percolating all the time (yes, I am totally misusing the word "percolate," I more correctly mean "brew"); even with characters I create for new stories, I don't just say, "I think I'll create a new character!" *jots down details* They slowly morph into existence and start percolating in my head too. Then they all continue developing as I write. My character Damien is the best example of this--I must have created him, like, in 1989-90. He's been in my head for over fifteen years. And I'm STILL finding out new things about him! So the idea of setting up a notebook to write down all the details of my characters, and leaving it at that, is a fruitless one because they are always growing and changing. But I liked the idea enough to modify it some.

I decided on composition books rather than my big notebooks because they're nicer and easier to find and are like real books (though wouldn't you know it, as soon as I decided on this, Wal-Mart ran out of composition books, GO FIGURE). I've started out with Manitou Island--this is the first time I've read this story since I wrote it, from 2001-3. UGH CRAPPY WRITING. I'm going through each chapter and devoting pages to individual characters as they show up. If a character needs more than a page, I just start another page. For example, if Charmian's had seven pages already in earlier chapters and I need to start a new page for her for Part 6, I label it "Charmian: Pt. 6, Pg. 8." I jot down notes about all the important things, putting an asterisk each to next one. Then I color code them all with markers--one color for character descriptions, one for actions (e. g., character abilities or important things they do in that chapter), one for important bits of history, one for their interactions/relations with other characters, etc. etc. As expected, sometimes these areas overlap and I get all confused trying to figure out what color to use, but I have to mentally slap myself and say, "JUST PICK A DAMN COLOR ALREADY" so then I do so. I have to force myself to not be so damn anal and want to use like two or three colors for one thing. It's my own character notebook, it's going to still be somewhat messy, surely I'm allowed some leeway. So it's not the most PERFECT system in the world, but it's better than nothing, and better than what I did before for the Ameni Chronicles and EFMI (i. e., jotting down tons of notes on index cards or in Notepad, in no particular order or pattern, then having to sift through mountains of notes to find out what color somebody's eyes are or how many kids somebody has or who knows what about something else).

So far I'm only through Part 6 and have taken up like a quarter of one composition book already. o_o; Ugh, this is going to take forever. Oh well. I've never kept comprehensive track of my characters, so maybe if I ever "finish" this (i. e., catch up) I can start. It's not something that will ever be "done," but I hope I can at least start keeping up with my own writing. The characters who already exist in my stories? They're just the tip of the iceberg; I have slews of characters who've never made it into finished stories yet. And the characters who have, only a little bit of their entire history has ever been shared in writing. If you went into my mind your head would probably explode.

It'll only take me, like, the rest of my life and 11,479 composition books to catch up with myself.

I found at eBay a book about the Ojibwa and Cree worldview and how it conflicts with the Canadian justice system; I hope it proves to be interesting. The seller is all the way in Saskatchewan (sic?). That's pretty far away.