11-30-06 @ 6:00 am EST

Well, it was yet another lousy appointment, no big surprise. I'm getting so tired of typing up about how lousy all my psychologist appointments go that I truly hope this doesn't go on terribly long. After this I'm not even sure if I want to continue keeping track like this. It seemed like a good idea when I started, to try to track progress, but when you're not really making any progress and in fact just seem to be slipping backwards it gets very frustrating and tedious. By now I dread even having to type up these entries; it feels just like a bothersome chore.

She'd wanted me to print out my Georgia entries so I had. 21 pages of them. She glanced at them for a few moments and offered barely any comments, and I believe she'll just stick them in a folder and never give them another glance, which makes me irate to waste so much ink and paper. Oh yes, and the first thing she said when I handed them over? "You wrote a lot!"

*reallypissedoffangryemoticonface*

For anyone who doesn't know by now: Quick way to piss me off at you supremely: TELL ME THAT I WRITE A LOT OR THAT WHAT I WRITE IS SURE LONG. I f**king KNOW that I write a lot, and I KNOW that my writing is long. So when people have the odd urge to inform me of this, I really do not understand their motives. Maybe they mean they're impressed by how much I can write? But the first impression I get is "Holy crap, you write too much junk, nobody will ever be able to read all that." Because in truth, most people CAN'T read all that, and she's no exception. Now if somebody were to say, "You write a lot, I'm impressed by your output/prolificness/whatever!" that would help clear things up, but for the most part, no, nobody ever says that. People say they admire my tenacity, my stick-to-it-iveness, and even that irks me at times because I don't see the point in admiring a quality that serves no use--yeah, so I write a lot, people aren't reading it, where is the compliment in that? But back to the original comment that "I write a lot." OKAY. I KNOW IT. I'M THE ONE WHO SITS HERE WRITING IT. So that's my stance on that, and why I always explode when people approach me with that comment. Well, this doubly pissed me off because SHE was the one who ASKED for me to give her that writing, who has asked for me to give her ALL the writings I've given her, and who keeps saying that gee, it sure is long or I sure wrote a lot. And then she doesn't read much of it at all. And then wants me to give her more. This is one of the big reasons why I'm so irate and detest these appointments and by now look forward to cancellations.

Remember the days when her cancelling got me pissed off? Yes, now her cancelling seems like heaven to me.

I'm really trying not to judge her as a PERSON. She is a nice PERSON, and if this weren't in a therapy setting I'm sure she'd be okay to get along with. But in the therapy session she just pisses me off no end, so it's the psychologist side of her that is making me so irate and bitchy. I just want to stress that. The main reason I got so upset yesterday was because, even with how angry and irritated I am simply being in her office, I really don't want to be insulting toward her (I know, I did really well with that!) or be rude or mean. That's also probably one of the big things that is making this go nowhere. I can't really criticize her to her face or tell her what I think is going wrong. So whenever she asks me how I think things are going, all I can say is, "I can't think of anything." She asked me to describe something, anything, from my Georgia trip--I was there for TWELVE DAYS--and all I could keep saying was, "I can't think of anything"! I said that because I can't go on at length about anything. I've told her this in the past, yes, but I guess it didn't sink in; more on that later.

After some brief flipping through the pages she asked if I felt I could read some of it aloud to her. She made a mistake here although I'm sure she couldn't have known it. This got me very upset--hell no could I read any of it. She kept needling at me and needling at me and I just started crying harder and harder. She then asked if I would be able to read something that somebody ELSE had written, would that be easier? No, I could not do that right then because I was too upset. But yes, THAT would have been just a tiny bit easier. She should have suggested, before I got all upset, that I read something SHORT that somebody ELSE had written. Something I have distance from, something that wouldn't require me to talk at length (like my writing), and something that wasn't personal to me hence didn't come with all my personal judgements as to its worth (again, my writing). Perhaps if she had asked me that, I could have done it, albeit reluctantly and with much prodding. I can't say for sure, but MAYBE. Unfortunately, she asked FIRST if I would choose a part of my own writing to read to her, that got me upset, and no, I ended up reading nothing.

There were several mistakes committed here, in fact:

1. She asked ME to choose which part to read--I can't choose like that, I get completely stuck. There were 21 pages to choose from!
2. She asked me to read my own writing. That's far too embarrassing.
3. She asked me to read my own JOURNAL writing. Even more embarrassing than my fiction.
4. She asked me to read my writing PERIOD--it's long and I really can't speak at length in any fashion, that's why I'd rather say "I can't think of anything" instead of give a real answer.
5. She asked me to read someone ELSE'S writing--only after I'd gotten so upset that I could read nothing. Once I'm upset, that's it--I'm practically useless for doing anything--well, useful. I thought that was obvious by now too but I guess not.

I figured that, as a psychologist, she would be able to pick up on these things--that when I get upset and start crying, I really can't make any progress during the rest of the session, and that I can't give long answers--the latter point I have even EXPLAINED to her, in speech (as much as I could) and in writing. It's her inability to pick up on these things that has made me not want to trust or talk to her further. I feel like she just "misses" me completely. I could be wrong, and perhaps all psychologists are like this--perhaps I'm expecting people to know too much that they can't possibly know. But the only way for me to be sure is to perform a miracle and start blathering my head off at her, or try another psychologist. And the former certainly isn't going to happen.

*deepbreath* I really wanted this to be shorter. -_-

So...now I was all upset and crying, and no, I didn't want to read anything. She asked me why I couldn't read and I said I felt too stupid. Here she angered me again by asking me why I felt stupid? She honestly had to ask?? I'm anxious around people--EVERYTHING I do around people makes me feel stupid! When I post this journal entry, I'll feel stupid. When I write mails, I feel stupid. When I buy something on eBay and have to notify the seller, I feel stupid. When I write fiction, I feel stupid. When I draw pictures, state my opinion, post on a message board, buy something in a store, check the mail, go outside, I feel stupid! Feeling stupid comes with being anxious! If I knew WHY I always feel so stupid...couldn't I be a psychologist myself? I felt very angry that she asked me that. In early sessions, it was okay, because she was getting to know me; but six months down the line, to ask me why reading my own personal journal entries out loud would make me feel stupid, this is like covering ancient history here. This again made me feel she wasn't "getting" me.

Well, most of the rest of the session consisted of her pushing at me to decide what I wanted out of therapy because the time for review had come up. Was I still taking my Lexapro? I said I haven't taken it for the past several days. It's because they refuse to refill/renew my prescription, as I ran out on the weekend and I guess the doctor isn't in or something. She asked why I hadn't called her. I honestly hadn't known I was SUPPOSED to. She pelted me with a barrage of questions about how the medication had been working, was I feeling any side effects being off it?--honestly, no, I kept shaking my head no no no. Nothing noticeable. In fact, I started feeling terribly depressed BEFORE I (involuntarily) went off it, so that proves, in my mind, that it wasn't really doing anything good or bad. And do you know, they say in a commercial that 70% of people still feel depression on the first antidepressant medication they take?? I can't believe nobody has thought to suggest, "Well, do you want to try a DIFFERENT antidepressant?" Honestly--NOBODY has suggested that. They just keep asking me how the CURRENT one is working.

She told me it wasn't safe to go off a med cold turkey. OH MY GOD. I KNOW THAT ALREADY. FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP TELLING ME THAT! I didn't "go off" my meds! I ran out and the idiots refuse to REFILL it! Okay?? She asked me then, hadn't I gone off a med in the past? Yes, the Risperdal, because I didn't want to take an antipsychotic. Would I be willing to try an antianxiety med, then? I said I didn't mind. Based on the questions she was asking me, it seems she and everyone else in the system think I'm against drugs period. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE NEVER SAID THAT. Just because I went off ONE drug--the Risperdal--and because when they ask me how the Lexapro is working I answer truthfully, I notice NO DIFFERENCE--everybody thinks I'm anti-meds! For cripes' sake, it's TWO DRUGS! How many drugs are on the market, total? These are the people who have for some reason never thought to say, "Well, if the Lexapro isn't doing anything, would you like to try a different antidepressant?" or "Well, instead of an antipsychotic (since HELLO, I'm not psychotic), would you like to try an antianxiety med?" and they think I'M anti-medication. This pisses me off so much. I'm FULLY WILLING to try a drug if I feel it's in line with the symptoms I exhibit, and if the side effects don't scare me. I'm not psychotic and I don't want tardive dyskinesia, thank you very much, so no, I don't want Risperdal. I was willing to try Lexapro but sorry, it's doing zilch, I don't care one way or the other if I keep taking it. Would I try something else? YES! If you people would bother to bring it up! I do have Medicaid now! Just suggest a drug, tell me what it does, I'll look into it, and if it seems appropriate I'll try it. Do I think it'll HELP any? No--not really. No med in the world can magically undo thirty years of negative conditioning to hate yourself. But if it convinces these people that I'm not malingering and gets them off my back, yes, I'll try one. I'll even try two or more! If only to prove to them that no, the meds aren't doing squat, there, I tried it, move on. It's taken someone this long to suggest trying a different drug. This is another reason why I'm rapidly losing faith in this whole system.

I really get the feeling that they think I'm just being stubborn when it comes to the Lexapro. That when I keep saying that no, I don't notice any real change, it must be something wrong with me, and not with the med. All I can say is, until the past several days I've been taking it, every single day, the right dose, just as prescribed, and have noticed NO changes whatsoever to my behavior or emotions. There was a correlation at the start, when I didn't feel as depressed, but I've explained already how I was going through friend troubles then and those happened to clear up as soon as I started the Lexapro--so it looked like the drug did it. Well, shortly before running out, I ran into more friend troubles--or more like, wannabe friend troubles (yes, I tried befriending somebody online yet again, and yet again it went terrifically wrong, I wrote up an entry about that but haven't posted it yet because it's even whinier than this is)--and I'm back to crying almost every day. That was while I was STILL taking the Lexapro. So that correlation goes out the window. And all this time my anxiety, the main problem, has remained unchanged. So I don't know what else to tell them--I took their drug, it's done zilch, why do they keep giving me looks like I must be doing something wrong?

And I really wish people would stop telling me it's bad to go off a med. I know that. I'm not completely stupid. I ran out, and the stupid system saw fit not to refill my prescription. Psychologist didn't exactly help here either, but more on that soon I hope.

She said she couldn't help me if I didn't help myself and that REALLY made me feel good. I understand that I have to work on myself too. But I feel like she's expecting miracles and leaps and bounds, to undo THIRTY YEARS of negative conditioning in six months of therapy. After six lousy months (and not even the entire six months at that), she wants me to make eye contact, read out loud, talk to people, hold conversations? To me that's asking far too much far too soon. I know! Maybe try working on me not hating myself so much before trying those. Maybe, I don't know, teach me to crawl before you insist I learn to walk. I know I need to take steps, but undoing thirty years in six months is ridiculous, even I see it. And I'm angry that she seems all exasperated that I'm not making miracle bounds already. Well, I'm SORRY that I'm so anxious. Even a psychologist can't seem to believe that somebody can be so terrified; I must just not want to get better. Telling me so really helps a lot; really makes me want to try harder. That was sarcasm BTW. See the entry "In Georgia" for more on that if you're new here and are about to bark at me to snap out of it or grow up or try harder bla bla bla, you'll find your answer there, bye-bye.

*deepbreath*

Add to all this the fact that she's made so many mistakes with me personally since starting therapy that I no longer feel safe trying to open up to her. Recall my early entries? I really DID want to open up to her, and she did, for her credit, take a few steps in the right direction. But just as quickly she misstepped every time, and every time that happened it made me trust her less. I realize psychologists are only human and must be forgiven for their missteps. But add in a bunch of cluelessness about what sets a patient off, and add more cluelessness, and of course the patient will get stubborn and not speak up anymore. (And this is seen as "not wanting to get better.") She cancelled on me and didn't even mention it that one time and that was the start. I learned to accept that, but then she didn't persist in wanting to look at my fiction, and what's worse, that bit which she did look at, all she had to say of it was that I write well--well, ANYBODY can say that, I can pick up a book by Stephen King and say he sure writes well, I don't even have to read it. Telling me I write well isn't much of a compliment, I'm sorry, because I've heard that from lots of people who never even read my work. That was a big misstep that made me mistrust her, because anyone who regularly reads this knows that once I feel somebody's not sincerely interested in me or what I do, I don't want to open up to them anymore. And when people say they're going to do something and then don't follow through, that's another big no-no. All that writing I printed out and gave to her, ON HER REQUEST, which she had barely any comment for--that's just made me more and more irate as time has gone on, right up to the 21 pages I gave her yesterday. I don't recall how many times she said she would read something later; for all I know she's tossed all those printouts away. In those entries I sometimes even pointed out steps that I thought I had taken, big steps, for example the buying of batteries on Mackinac Island, and standing up for my beliefs in Georgia, but she'll never see them, as she doesn't even bother reading that stuff. She SAYS she reads it, but she doesn't comment, not even on the things that would suggest that I'm taking steps forward, so why should I believe her? I'd think a psychologist would leap at the chance to bring up such things but she never does. Another big misstep. And all the unspoken cues I have given her, even in writing, which she somehow hasn't picked up. I was sure that a psychologist would pick up on how angry and sullen I was in the appointment after she'd cancelled on me. She didn't, not until she directly asked me later on. She doesn't read my cues, or else can't see them. A lot of how I communicate lies in how I DON'T communicate. She hasn't picked that up--a misstep that tells me we're out of sync with each other as therapist and client. Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I thought therapists were trained to notice even the absence of certain things, what people don't say as well as what they do.

Imagine if I really do have borderline personality disorder, as I often believe? Borderlines are the MASTERS of unspoken cues. How do therapists deal with borderlines?? If I'm one of those and she's not picking up on all this, I feel really concerned about continuing to see her, as it's so obviously not helping. In fact all I feel since starting therapy is worse. I'm not sure; maybe therapy is supposed to make you feel like shit before you feel better, but to me it's obvious that this is just stuck and going nowhere.

Damn it I wish this were not so frigging long.

To finally summarize, she asked what I wished to do. Continue therapy? Just try a medication, without therapy? Both? Or take a break? I said I didn't want to stop therapy, but I didn't feel like it was working here. That was one of my attempted cues, my attempt to tell her that it wasn't working out with HER. And...she missed it. She thought I meant therapy in general. -_- In response to everything else, I said I didn't know. Oh, I KNOW what I wanted, but I couldn't tell her to her face! I actually had thoughts of getting up and fleeing the office in tears--that would show her I was really upset with her--or of asking to talk to my mother before the session ended, and having Ma tell her my plans. Well, Psychologist effectively quashed those thoughts by saying she wouldn't schedule another appointment, and I could write her a letter and mail it to her to tell her what I wanted. Oh, and from the gist of it I think they aren't renewing my prescription either. (So much for "Going off a med cold turkey is dangerous!") She would put my case on hold, and if she hadn't heard from me by Christmas, she would close it. And that was it; my therapy had been put on hold and I was left in limbo.

On the one hand I was relieved because GOD I am sick of seeing her. On the other I felt even worse because just like always, here I was, put on hold just because I couldn't speak up. Isn't that how it always goes? I realize this was my decision to make, but hasn't anyone noticed that when it comes to decisions like this, I need advice and counsel? "Hey, Mental Person, do you think you should continue therapy?" Mental Person: "I don't know..." "Well, let's put you on hold and let you decide, goodbye!"

If I were actively suicidal they'd never think of doing such a thing...

Writing comes easier to me, but how is one expected to write a letter to their psychologist saying, "I want to continue therapy but you totally do not get me, I want to try somebody else and probably end up failing with them too"? Because, no, I really don't believe another therapist will make any difference; they were all trained the same, the next will just do the same things she did. But it's either that or just give up. Because I'm hardly going to take a med and not be in therapy--that's stupidity, AND dangerous, especially when a lot of your disorder is conditioned and not physiological. Putting a socially anxious person on a med and sending them along sans therapy is moronic.

She followed me to the waiting room to tell Ma what had been "decided," so to speak. Ma nodded and I was given a card with Psychologist's address and that was it. The cord was cut and I was left in limbo.

As I cried on the way out I said to Ma, "I do NOT want to see her anymore. I want to see SOMEONE ELSE."

It turns out that Ma had talked with the desk clerk or whatever, and had already brought this up, that the two of us just hadn't clicked and I'd like to try another psychologist if possible. *sigh* So I think they have to get back in touch with us about that. In the meantime I think I still have to write that letter to Psychologist, which I don't want to do; I only agreed to it to get the hell out of there. I feel awful asking to try someone else. The mere thought of sitting in the waiting room and having Psychologist see me makes me cringe. And this therapy is free for the most part, the therapists are overworked, I feel like I have no right to pick and choose like some spoiled brat. AND Ma again brought it up, what makes me think another one will be any better? I don't think another one will be any better--in fact I'll just feel worse YET AGAIN when the next one, if there is a next one, lets me down. But at least then I can say I TRIED IT, DAMN IT, SO SHUT UP AND STOP SAYING I NEED TO TRY HARDER.

That wasn't aimed at any of my regular, non-anonymous commenters, BTW...I just get sick of the occasional nitpicks who stop by to tell me I'm not trying hard enough. CRIPES! Look at all this drek. This is not trying? I'm humiliating myself going through with this, and when somebody tells me I'm not trying, it really pisses me off.

Just like when I humiliated myself trying to make that friend a short while ago, and did everything right, and fought down my fear, and it still completely blew up in my face and I don't even know why. People CANNOT tell me I don't try. I do, and it keeps going NOWHERE, so that's why I get so irate when others insinuate I'm not trying hard enough. I'm really fighting with myself about posting that entry; maybe if I do I'll make it no notes or something. I'm so tired of being so pissy in here. But short of telling about what the squirrels upstairs are up to, I don't really have much else to post. This is what my life boils down to, lousy therapy sessions, and noisy squirrels. And lots of writing. That's basically it.

And I have to finish this up because I have to get offline earlier today as Ma has to call the lawyer, as the state is refusing to communicate with him re: my disability records and we can't reach my caseworker so we have no clue what to do. One good thing Psychologist mentioned, she's willing to give Lawyer HER records as, in her words, "I don't believe you're able to work, not now or in the near future," but for some reason that's one thing Lawyer HASN'T asked for. Of course. -_-

Why can't something go easily and right for a change?? *sigh*

And I'm okay at the moment, just disappointed in this system, and leery of what crap will come next. I was truly better off before therapy; I'm really beginning to doubt that changing with a change of therapist. But at least I'm TRYING, so no one can say I'm not.

Again, that's not aimed at the regular readers of this, so I apologize for my ultra-pissiness. To the non-regulars who want to carp at me that I bla bla bla hak hak hak bla, please see "In Georgia," goodbye.

Oh yeah. I'm also pissed off that these sessions have made me lose time much better spent sleeping.

And that this entry took me two hours to write.