12-05-06 @ 6:49 am EST

Well...yesterday, after spending the early afternoon upstairs screaming while wild squirrels leapt around me -_-; ...it was time for an appointment with Psychiatrist, Dr. K., whom I haven't seen in a while now. When I last saw Psychologist I heard her talking to someone in the front office asking that an appointment be scheduled for me to see the doctor because I hadn't seen her in ages and I guess nobody had bothered scheduling that yet. They scheduled it for 3:30 PM. I swear, the next time they do this, I'm going to have Ma call them to try rescheduling because these people KNOW I sleep during the day, couldn't they fit me in a teeny bit earlier??

Dr. K. feels "distant," as psychiatrists always seem to to me, but maybe that's why talking to her about what's been happening came a little easier, because she wasn't directly involved. I get ahead of myself. My memory is lousy anyway. She asked the questions she usually asks, and came to the point I'd been expecting, asking me if I was still taking my Lexapro.

"I was, but I ran out and they wouldn't refill it."

"And how long ago was this?"

"A little over a week, I think."

"Ah. Did you miss any doses before that?"

"No."

"While you were on it did you notice any difference?"

"Ma says there was a difference, but I didn't really notice one."

"How about when we increased the dosage, was it different then?"

"Not that I could tell."

"How have you been feeling lately?"

"I started feeling kind of depressed again but that was before I went off the Lexapro."

"And how were you feeling depressed...?"

"I just felt lonely."

"Do you still cry often?"

"I started to cry more when I started feeling depressed again."

"Do you find that you start to feel more depressed when the winter comes?"

Ah. She was thinking SAD. "Not really."

"Have you noticed much difference now that you're not on the Lexapro?"

"Not much."

"Were there any negative side effects while you were on it?"

"Not really."

She looked at some papers. "It turns out Jean (the nurse) called in the last time you were here so you'd have enough Lexapro to last you until today, did you call in and get it?"

o_o ? "I didn't know that," I said, confused. Nobody ever told me they'd partly refilled the Lexapro! Ma had even said she'd gone there to check.

"Oh." Dr. K. looked at her notes again. I stared at her cowboy boots the entire time. There was some kind of noisy construction going on just overhead. "I guess that was never communicated...it was just enough to last until today. Well, would you be interested in going back on the Lexapro?"

"Ma said it would be best if I did."

"Did the Lexapro ever do anything for your anxiety?"

"Not really."

*looks at notes* "I recall I had you on another med for the OCD, the Risperdal; did you actually take any of that, or no?"

:? That seemed a little rude. I might have agreed to try the drug and then changed my mind, but I'd never say I took it if I hadn't. "I took it for about a week," I said.

"Did you notice any difference while you were on it?"

"Not really."

"Now, I remember you had some concerns about the side effects, was that why you stopped taking it or was there another reason?"

"That, and I thought it was prescribed for the wrong reason."

"Why did you think it was prescribed?"

"Because people thought I thought people could read my mind, but I never believed that."

"What was it that you actually meant?"

"That I feel like people can just look at me and tell that I'm a loser, I'm stupid, and stuff."

"So you don't actually think that anyone can read your thoughts? Have you ever thought that?"

"No."

"Well, the Risperdal was actually prescribed to help with some of your OCD thinking." (Well...the emphasis had seemed to be placed on me thinking people could read my thoughts. And from what I read of it, Risperdal isn't YET approved for use on OCD, they're just testing it. Plus I don't want tardive dyskinesia.)

I didn't really reply; I hadn't been aware of this, plus I just didn't care to take the Risperdal.

"What about people trying to hurt you or take your things, do you ever feel that way?"

:/ I've noticed that when discussing paranoia with therapists, you have to be really careful. It's obvious to readers of Skew that yes, I occasionally entertain paranoid thoughts of people who could hurt me. But IMO most of THOSE beliefs are rational. So say I see a truck parked alongside the road with a man sitting in it as I go out to check the mail and he just sits there for a half hour or so. (Really happened.) I start thinking he's watching me and considering breaking into the house and doing less savory things, so of course I lock the door, close the blinds, maybe get a knife down, and keep peeping out until he's gone. Is that unwarranted paranoia? Seeing as violent crime is so rare here, maybe a little. But nobody can ever be too safe. And there's no logical reason to sit in a truck just staring for a half hour or so. If anybody's being irrational here it's the weird guy in the truck, not me. Maybe somebody should ask HIM what his deal is.

For the most part though, my paranoia focuses on people thinking I'm stupid, people laughing at me behind my back, everybody hating me, people having an ulterior motive when acting friendly toward me, things such as that. And these are beliefs that come with being so anxious and with having had so many bad experiences with people. So...I couldn't really come out and say 100% that when I see a guy sitting in a truck near the house, I have thoughts of being raped and murdered and yadda yadda, because I know it would be taken in completely the wrong way. I'm NOT psychotic...I just worry too much, and some of it is just being safe. So I said no, not really.

"Are you hearing voices, seeing things that aren't there?"

"No." I always find that question funny; if I heard voices what are the chances I'd say yes? ^_^

"Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself?"

"No." I was a bit untruthful there...

"Hurting others?"

"No." Except maybe those damn squirrels. >_<

"Is your OCD still a problem?"

"It doesn't really bother me that much...I'm pretty much used to it." Again, I get irked that people try to focus such attention on my OCD. Really, HONESTLY, I can live with it. I wouldn't mind feeling skeeved about other people's houses and having to wash my hands etc., as long as I felt I was worthy as a person. The OCD is just a flyspeck compared to the rest of my problems.

She looked at her papers some more. "So this anxiety, how often would you say you feel it?"

"Just about always."

"You have Medicaid now?"

"Yes."

"Have you found that helps, paying for medication?"

I nodded.

"Would you be willing to try another medication strictly for anxiety?"

I nodded. There--now they know I'm not just being stubborn and noncompliant.

She shuffled through some things and started describing clonazepam (generic Klonopin) and how it works, letting me know that it could end up acting as a sedative and making me drowsy, and that I should NOT go off it cold turkey. (*sigh*...) "It could potentially be addictive to people with substance abuse problems," she added, "but I don't think that would be a problem with you. In any case we'll start you out on a very low dose and you can take .25mg twice a day. If you find out that it makes you too sleepy, you can just try one half a pill before bedtime, and we'll just work along from there."

"Is this the same thing as Paxil?" I asked as she handed me the consent form.

"Completely different," she said. "I think you said you'd been on Paxil before and it didn't work."

"No, that was Prozac." Well, as long as it wasn't Paxil, or an antipsychotic (and she kept emphasizing that it was strictly an anti-anxiety med, so I think she finally got what I was saying), I was willing to try. Not that I expect it to do anything but if it will prove to these people that I'm not malingering or just being stubborn, then I'll take it and zonk out or whatever. One little concern I have is if she remembers that I take diphenhydramine to sleep? Well, I guess I'll find out what happens if I slip into a coma this afternoon. *shrug* At least it's not tardive dyskinesia.

*nominate this entry now for most casual uses of the phrase "tardive dyskinesia"*
*tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia tardive dyskinesia*

So I signed the consent form and handed it over, and she gave me a copy. "Now, I was told there'd been some concerns regarding you and Psychologist," she said, and I braced myself. "Your mother said that the two of you aren't getting along? Could you explain that a little?"

"I don't really feel like I can talk to her," I murmured.

"Do you have a reason why...?"

"I feel like she doesn't really 'get' me."

She nodded. "Had you decided what you wanted to do then?"

"I'd like to keep trying therapy, just with a different psychologist," I said, shrinking into my coat.

Dr. K. nodded and asked if it would be okay to call my mother in to fill her in. I nodded. Ma came in (she seems to like trying to chat while Dr. K. is musing silently over things, like telling her her boots are nice, or asking if she likes Windows 2000) and Dr. K. explained the new medication, the continuation of the Lexapro, etc.; Ma explained how she'd noticed a difference on the Lexapro while I hadn't, and Dr. K. said that was normal; then Dr. K. brought up Psychologist again.

"She just could not talk to her," Ma said. "She kept writing things to her. But the two of them didn't really seem to click, you know?"

"That sometimes happens," Dr. K. said. "In which case we can take it up with Jennifer, she's the supervisor here, and see what can be done. She said she'd be willing to try with a different psychologist; would you feel okay with a man, or do you think you'd prefer a woman?" she asked me.

"I think I'd feel better with a woman," I said in a small voice.

"All right, it would probably be Jennifer then," Dr. K. said. "Do you feel that you could discuss this with Psychologist yourself...?"

I winced and shook my head, starting to squirm. "She just really doesn't want to hurt her feelings," Ma explained.

"That's understandable," Dr. K. agreed. "Though she'd definitely handle it professionally and not take offense at it, because sometimes it just happens, a therapist and a client don't really mesh well. We'll look into that and see what we can do to get her case transferred. Until then, here's a new prescription for the Lexapro, and for the clonazepam...and I'm going to have you see the nurse in a couple of weeks to check up on you, all right? Any questions?"

I shook my head and took the two prescriptions along with the consent form copy. So that was pretty much it, and we went home and I went to bed. _-_

"Jennifer" was the first name of the psychologist Dianne recommended to me in one of her letters a while back, when she said that her friend hadn't gotten along with Psychologist either. It must be the same person. I do hope it goes at least SOMEWHAT better than the last time, even though I still expect no real change. I hate the thought that they probably stuck me with Psychologist in the first place because Jennifer is probably way busy. I hate being a burden. -_- I'm going to be incredibly frustrated if/when it doesn't work out, but that has to be some sign to them that I'm at least trying...it's not like I WANT to play musical chairs with a therapist...or whatever analogy works better...

Well, I took the first half dose of the clonazepam last night...I think I might take the other one soon because I don't like the thought of taking it before bed when I take my sleeping pill. I don't feel any drowsier than usual, though the truth is I almost always feel drowsy, so there might not be a noticeable change...

You know, a couple of days ago I went online to look up the withdrawal symptoms of going off Lexapro. And I found that EVERY single symptom of EVERYTHING I have EVER had in my ENTIRE life could be a symptom of that. *rolls eyes* Of course, most of this was from a site that was decidedly anti-meds ("Try our safe all-natural alternative!"), so you know what they say about what you read on the Internet...

Wikipedia seems to say though that clonazepam is a relatively weak sedative compared to others in its class so I guess I'll see. When Dr. K. compared it to Xanax and Valium my eyes must have gotten very huge. VALIUM? I don't think I'm THAT poorly off... I noticed though that it seems to be used more for seizures and such than for anxiety. Hm. Oh well...

I also read at Wikipedia that some people slightly overdose on diphenhydramine to induce these kind of "waking dreams." Interesting. I just thought it made you sleepy.

I need to stop looking at Wikipedia.

I can't remember if I took my Lexapro or not. :/ Ugh.

Well...in unrelated news...I'm trying to redraw a few of my earlier characters, with mixed success. I did a new version of Tooth, which looks much better and closer to how I envision him than the second version did, and I redid Red Bird, and even though she doesn't have the same sweet look as the original she's more in keeping with the style I seem to be developing. (I recall wondering, when I started this about a month and a half ago, if I'd ever develop a distinctive style...it looks like I'm kind of leaning that way.) Shadow Water and Francois keep somewhat eluding me, though...will have to keep tinkering around with them. And drawing full figures in dynamic/realistic poses is still eluding me, despite me trying all sorts of different methods (the wooden mannequin, stick figures, curves, geometric shapes, etc.), but I did a couple yesterday by focusing on the torso shape in whole and on the shape of the neck meeting the body and it seemed to help, so maybe I'll keep working on that. I have images in my head, of pictures I'd love to produce, images I've had up there for ages but have never bothered with because I'm just lousy at drawing my characters. But now that I can draw at least 3/4 pics of some characters, it'd be nice to try a real picture someday. Like:

* In this one, Charmian's standing in the front middle, her head upraised a bit so she's looking slightly upwards with a thoughtful expression; behind her, all in a row which curves to surround her a bit and hazes out into mist at the bottom, are Ocryx, Moon Wolf, Francois, and Stick-In-The-Dirt (not necessarily in that order), each looking off into space with various expressions (Ocryx probably looks vaguely pissed, Moon Wolf probably looks vaguely pensive, Francois probably looks vaguely amused, and Stick probably looks vaguely worried, as fits with their characters); the picture is entitled, "You Remind Them Of Their Daughters."

* A simple head and chest shot of Charmian, staring at her upraised hand with wide eyes as flames leap from her fingers; this could probably be entitled "Elemental."

* A frontal view of Moon Wolf, torso and up, with his arms spread out and down somewhat to his sides and his head tilted back somewhat, eyes shut and blue flames surrounding him; behind and somewhat above him is Chakenapok in a similar pose (though maybe his arms curve forward a bit as if to embrace Moon Wolf), with his head tilted forward slightly, yellow fire surrounding him, and maybe the two colors of fire are merging them together; this somewhat spoilerific picture would be entitled "Embodiment Of Fire."

* Lt. Barrington in full Redcoat wear, lying on his belly on the ground with his gun propped up and aimed directly at the viewer, his finger on the trigger and one eye squinted shut; standing over him so his legs straddle his back on both sides is Black Elk Horn, his head thrown back somewhat and his arm raised, a hatchet grasped in his fist as he gets ready to strike seemingly at the viewer; this would be entitled "Red Men." (It always amuses me that the Indian characters in EFMI keep referring to Lt. Barrington as the "red man.")

And I'm sure there are more, I'll just stop here because anyone reading has probably had their brain glaze over by now so...summarize by saying it'd be nice to make some real drawings and not just concept sketches, someday. If I could ever be talented enough.

I had a comment on one of my sketch albums at WDC the other day and the commenter suggested I should go into illustrating children's books because my characters aren't "edgy" enough to cut it in adult fantasy. :/ I understand her comment, but it's a little frustrating, because people keep assuming I must write children's stories, and my drawings only seem to confirm that belief. I stopped writing "children's stories" years ago, and wrote them back then only because I was a child myself. My writing is just far too violent and adult to be aimed at children. At the same time though, I worry that it wouldn't appeal to adults either. And it's true, it seems most of the readers I get, even for my adult writing, are teens. It's very rare that I hear from somebody who's out of school and in their twenties or more. The Manitou Island stories have implied incest, infanticide, mass murder, mind rape, all sorts of bloody fighting and impaling and cannibalism and stuff like that...I'd REALLY not like people under thirteen reading this stuff. But at the same time adults don't seem to care for it, probably because of my "non-edgy" characters and my kid- or teen-friendly tone. I don't get it. I just write the way I write and don't really aim it at anybody in particular. But I do wish it could be considered more adult than it seems to be. I appreciate what few readers I have, but it'd be nice if some of them were older.

Maybe this is why I was so flattered when somebody once described RTMI as being considerably "darker" than MI. I took that as a big compliment back then...and I seriously hope EFMI comes across as even darker than RTMI. Not that I'll probably ever know...

The truth is (and I'll have to reply to tell her this), I didn't intend the sketches to serve as illustrations for my story, just references for myself and for readers to know what the characters GENERALLY look like...I'm sure somebody else could do a much better job on making them look more "edgy." (BTW, why must adult fantasy be "edgy"? What really IS edgy, anyway? I thought edgy was R-rated stuff, and while I want to appeal to adults, who ever said that PG-13 is teen territory only? I don't watch many R movies myself...) I also thought that if I had some sketches, the story itself could garner more attention seeing as people who start out as artists first and give spoilers for their stories while describing their art seem to get all sorts of people begging to see the actual writing (which they probably never even write, *hint about the person I complained about in my last entry, at least I bother writing some of my stuff eventually*). That doesn't really seem to be happening--since I put up the new pictures on my website that page has gotten all of like three hits :/ --but...well...those were my reasons. It's my hope to someday draw better so that I CAN provide a few illustrations that aren't so kiddified, but I can't promise it. I never thought that my cartoony style of drawing would make people think that my characters are cartoony themselves; far from it, I had thought. I just wish I understood why everybody thinks I write stuff for kids. It makes me feel kind of disappointed that I'm not "edgy" enough to appeal to adults. I don't think I should have to raise the gore and sex quotas more just to appeal to non-teens. I'm an adult, I don't watch sex in movies. :/ I can't be the only one.