01-14-07 @ 7:16 am EST

Okay, so here's a new entry.

Firstly, I want to thank the people who left me the notes on the previous entry. I really wanted to reply to each individually, and tried to a few times, but I felt like I'd end up parroting "Thank you, I appreciate it" to every one and I hate sounding like all my replies are form ones. :( So I hope the people who noted me understand that. I did read every one of them and truthfully, I was surprised by what I read because some of those things, I just don't see myself as. I picture myself as one of the lousiest, most ungrateful and whiniest people one could (not) want as a friend...and while I still think that's how I am most of the time, that's kind of the reason why I asked for those notes in the first place. There were a few people I expected to hear from and didn't (interesting), but there were also some people I never would have imagined hearing from and did, so I appreciate that. The fact that some people repeated certain things makes it look like I'll have to look into those further.

What brought this on? I saw the new psychologist on the third, and basically was given an ultimatum: If I'm going to be all defeatist, "I'm nothing, I'm worthless, I can never change," then after six months, she said she would be forced to cut me loose because it's "unethical" to continue seeing a patient who refuses to work on themselves. Some of the things she said kind of hurt ("After you leave this office, another person just like you comes in and I have to deal with them"), and she seems rather more strict than I'd like, but I managed to make myself talk to her a bit more to try to clarify exactly where it was that I feel things went wrong with the old psychologist. And in truth I think part of it's my fault. In fact maybe most of it. You see, with Old Psychologist, I did make it seem like my primary goal was to become more sociable and outgoing, when that's not what I really want after all. No matter what anybody says, I do not believe I will ever be fully better, and I do not believe I will ever be sociable or confident enough to hold down a job, hold conversations with strangers, and do most of the things that normal people do. I simply do not believe that will ever happen. But I made the mistake of making it seem like this was my goal anyway, and what else could Old Psychologist have been expected to do but try to get me to be more outgoing?

Though I'm not backing down on my belief that she missed a WHOLE lot of cues...

Well...when New Psychologist asked what it was that I was most afraid of, I gave the answer I'm used to giving, and now I think it was the wrong one. I said, "Looking stupid in front of other people"--and it's true--that's a huge fear of mine. But even greater than that is my fear of being useless, of having no worth in this world. By now I'm used to being dependent on others and not holding down a job or having a family like normal people--the thought of doing such things is so foreign to me that it's silly to contemplate it. If it takes me keeping away from society to avoid looking stupid, then so be it; I've been doing it most of my life anyway. I kind of like my solitary lifestyle, doing the things I'm interested in, not being bothered by other people. (Though a friend or two who share a lot of my interests would be nice!) But the thought of being useless is something I can't bear. If I'm going to be a recluse, I could at least contribute SOMETHING of worth to the world. This is why I'm so sensitive about my writing and its lack of popularity, why I tend to equate that with my personal lack of worth as a person. Most people would say, "It's just writing! Do it for yourself!" and they have a point. But when you figured it would be the one thing you would contribute to the world, the thing that would give you a sense of self-worth, and it doesn't do so, then you see why I keep getting so upset.

Well...I cried a WHOLE LOT during the session...but I forced myself to talk because I was just so desperate. I told New Psychologist how I wasn't terribly interested in "getting out in the world" like Old Psychologist had thought, but what I really wanted was to just believe in myself again, in my own worth. And maybe, if that happens, then the unconcern of others won't hurt me so terribly as it currently does. I know there was once a time when I believed in myself despite what others thought. I want to be that way again. If what I do doesn't matter to others, then I'd like it to at least matter to me enough for me to be happy with that.

New Psychologist said that she can help me, but I'm the only one who can change this mindset. "You've been telling yourself for years that you're worthless," she said, "and you need to counter those thoughts. That's the only way you'll ever get out of this rut. You have to reprogram the way you think." (IT IS ABOUT TIME A PSYCHOLOGIST SAID THAT!)

"I tried writing down positive affirmations lately," I said (I bought a book on anxiety recently and started repeatedly writing down some affirmations in my paper journal every day), "but every time I do, it feels like I'm writing down lies."

"Well," she said, "then that means you're not trying hard enough."

That comment hurt too--how much harder can I try?--but I think maybe what she meant was I have to work harder at BELIEVING what I'm writing down. And I am trying, but it still feels stupid and like a waste of time writing down things like "I love myself just the way I am" (if I do then why do I want to improve??) and "I am an attractive, intelligent, worthwhile person" (okay on the second two, but the first--wha??). I find myself thinking, how many times do I have to write these things down before they start to sink in?? I know--I've been telling myself for most of my life, for YEARS, that I'm worthless--writing down positive affirmations for a few weeks isn't going to cut it. But still, I feel like I need SOME confirmation that this is going to eventually do some good. Does writing down these silly things, which I don't believe in, really make a difference? This is why I've never tried positive affirmations before--they just seem so...well...stupid.

"You seem like a rather intellectual person," she said. "Do you consider yourself intellectual?"

Well, not really; I consider myself smarter than average, but not really intellectual. Still, I know what she meant and I said, "Kind of."

"Then you know that this is something you can't just get over overnight. You're going to have to keep working at it. I'm going to tell you right now--I'm not going to argue with you. I get people coming in who say, 'I'm nothing--I'm worthless'--and no matter what I say to them, this is what they always believe. I'm not going to argue with you over how worthless you think you are, because if you don't work at this, it would be unethical for me to continue seeing you."

By now I was practically sobbing. Her warning, to me, sounded like, "If you aren't 100% better within six months, I'm cutting you loose"--just like the last psychologist. Just like the people who've offered to help me in the past and never came through. "Lots of people have said they'd help me," I cried. "And they never did."

"I'll help you," she said, "but you're going to have to do the work."

"Most people give up because I'm so slow, it takes me so long to make any progress that they just get frustrated and give up on me. I've been this way all my life--I can't get better in just a few months."

"Well," she said, "if you work at it, and show just the tiniest bit of improvement, then I'll keep seeing you until you're ninety--as long as you need."

I kept wiping at my eyes and nose. It took me forever to force the words out of my mouth. "Can I ask you something...?"

She nodded.

I tried asking what I needed to, but it wouldn't come out. So I just said, "I need somebody to believe in me."

"The only one who can do that is you," she said.

"I know," I said. "I know I'm going to have to believe in myself--but I need somebody else to believe in me and help me."

"Well," she replied, "I'll believe in you."

I probably talked more in this session than I've ever talked to anyone, all of it through a veil of tears. She said that she sensed that I really did want to improve. She elicited three goals from me for the next time--to keep writing the positive affirmations (and I have been...as lame as it seems), to try to counter my negative thoughts with positive ones whenever they arise (she asked what I thought I was good at and when I said writing, she said, "Just tell yourself, every time you get a negative thought, 'I'm a damn good writer'"), and to bring in a sample of my writing for her. -_- Well, for the last at least, when I give it to her I'm going to try to mention how Old Psychologist asked the same thing, and never seemed to read anything I brought her in its entirety--I need to know if that's going to be an issue here. Because I know psychologists are busy, but if they ask a patient to bring something in for them, they should at least look at the whole thing. The reason I stopped communicating with Old Psychologist was because she stopped completely "listening" to what I had to say. The moment I sense disinterest or lack of time from someone, I clam up immediately. And New Psychologist should probably be told this. If I can work up the guts. -_-

Oddly, since that appointment I've been feeling...kind of better about things. I asked for you (readers) to tell me the positive things you thought about me because I honestly have no grasp of anything positive in myself--I'm so used to seeing only the negative. While on the one hand I can't rely on what other people say (because I'M the only one who can make myself believe these things), I hoped it would give me a bit more perspective because at least according to her, my perspective is skewed. So that was why I asked for the notes, and I do hope I didn't come across as terribly egocentric doing it. I didn't ask for the negative things people think about me because it would crush me to hear those, and besides, I'm pretty sure I believe all of those already.

But for the MOST part, since then, I haven't felt as crushingly depressed as I've been feeling. I went to WDC and removed the note I'd had attached to EFMI, saying that since nobody there was interested in reading and commenting on the story, then I was no longer posting it, and posted up to where it's currently posted at GeoCities, even though still nobody is currently reading or commenting on it. In a weird coincidence, a (unrelated) story I've had posted on the site for almost a year now, which had NO comments or ratings, just got two in the past couple of days. I'm trying to force myself to believe that even if nobody is reading the stuff I write, there must be some purpose or use to it...though I don't fully believe that yet...I'm hoping that I can ask Psychologist about it next time or so. I'm still working on things. I still need outside affirmations at this point.

I did break down recently, on Monday when our furnace finally died for good. We called Harry & Jerry's or whatever (Gratitude) and Harry(?) came over again to look it over. Ma came home from work as I'd called her (I let Harry into the house, showed him the thermostat and the other entrance to the basement, and the button on the furnace, and explained the situation to him easily enough, but after I left him alone and went back upstairs I paced back and forth chewing on my fingers and in tears because I never know what to do when other people are around, I wanted Ma home so badly!!), and he told her that she could either buy a new control panel from a different guy, and that might last the winter, but it would nickel and dime us--or we could just install a new furnace. It would be around $2000. I admit that this news actually RELIEVED me because I'd thought a new furnace would cost around $10,000! And Ma had recently won some money on a scratch ticket and at the casino, and I had $420 saved up, so we could likely swing it. Ma told Harry she'd consider it, and he left; she then called Dad, and the decision was made to just get a new furnace. Harry was called again, and said that he was very busy but would be able to get it for us by Friday. Meanwhile, we were having the coldest, most blustery week we've had this winter so far. -_-

So this past week we've been bundling up, and shivering, and keeping the oven open and on in the kitchen...at its lowest the thermostat registered 59 degrees, and at its highest the oven managed to get it up to 68 degrees (we keep it set at 70--75 is my comfort zone). Thing is, my bedroom happens to be furthest away from the kitchen, with two westward-facing windows (the wind was coming from the west), AND I have to keep the door closed so the cat won't get in--so of course, my room was positively FRIGID. I was fine as I slept under four blankets (five, as one was doubled up), but getting up to go to the bathroom and then go back to bed, and going to my room at night just to do my regular nightly things, was torture as I yelped and squealed every time I had to touch the frigid bed! I finally set up a booby trap in my doorway--using pillows and my bottle of sleeping pills--to alert me whenever the cat tried getting in, just so I could keep my door open and let in a little heat. It turned out that Harry and his son were able to stop by and tear out the old furnace on Thursday, but weren't able to install the new one yet, and they shut off the power to the furnace, which also shut off the power to the bathroom and both bedrooms! So that night I just sat on my bed in the dark with a quilt draped over my head and dozed like I was in a nice warm cave. I was so cold, the cold seeping into my pores and refusing to leave, that I'd resigned myself to not getting anything constructive done this week anyway. We kept the hamster cage in the kitchen (Invisible Hamster had the best seat in the house), and I rarely ventured outside, I was so miserable. The first day was okay but UGH!--I am so cold intolerant. At least the water in the bathroom still worked! And we were fortunate to have the oven, and electricity...I kept trying to tell myself about the poor people out west who have nothing. It didn't make me feel warmer though...

Well, Harry and son showed up again on Friday morning to finish the work, and again there were all sorts of awful noises from the basement as they installed the new furnace...eventually the floor vents started blowing, and I went and checked all of them to make sure they were working. The main one in the living room, directly over the furnace, was the last to kick in. I kept looking at the new thermostat Harry's son had installed (I'd answered the polite knock at the basement door, when he came up to install it and left muddy bootprints all over the hallway rug o_o ), watching the temperature go up degree by degree, and I kept pacing from room to room just to see that everything was working. Ma called several times to keep up on progress and I kept filling her in. Cosmas even crept out of hiding for a moment to peek around before disappearing again. At last Harry came upstairs to make out the receipt (he must think I'm a little slow, as he asked if I knew the address :/ ...well, what other reason for an adult woman to be hanging about at home alone all the time, doing nothing, I guess), and I was able to count out the money to him as Ma insisted I do (and she thinks I'M the paranoid one), and that was that. He said he had a few more things to do before they'd leave and I went to type on the computer. Though a few moments later I got up to go into the living room and a voice from the hall suddenly said, "I'm just checking the thermostat to see if it shuts off properly," and I jumped and let out a yelp, I'd had no idea he was there!! >_< (Earlier that day or Thursday I'd waited until the son went into the basement to go out to check the mail, but he went back outside, and I kept waiting and waiting, then heard noises from downstairs and couldn't figure out how he'd gotten by me, so I went out to check the mail and only then realized that he was outside the house, working on the chimney or something >_< --thank God these guys have better things to do than wonder how weird I am.) "Well, at least I got a laugh out of you!" Harry exclaimed when I started laughing in embarrassment. _-_

So, we got a brand-new furnace installed (a Trane, which Dad says should last like a hundred years), and as I was happily on my way to bed with only three blankets, my big toe caught in my down throw and I pitched forward and it felt like somebody had set my toe on fire. AAAGGGHH!! It's all plum purple and red and swollen now, looks like it's from a dead body. XD But it looked worse before. Oh well. I tried getting to sleep but--I was still cold! So I ended up getting the doubled-up quilt and sleeping under five blankets after all. I guess I still haven't gotten all of the cold out of my pores yet.

This new furnace and thermostat are weird. :/ They're HYPER sensitive, and the thing is coming on like every ten minutes, only it doesn't run as long or as hot as the old one. I miss being able to sit on a nice hot air vent for ten minutes, but at least we're not freezing anymore. Whereas the old furnace seemed made to get the temperature back up after it had fallen a couple of degrees, this one seems made to maintain the temperature as it is. Hm. Plus it sounds different.

Dad refused to let me use my $420 toward the furnace, saying I would "need it." :( Well, I honestly didn't WANT to spend it on that, but that's what the money's for, isn't it? I never did get to ask him what I'll need it for.

Anyway...that's what's been going on since my last entry. New psychologist, new furnace, that's about it. I'm still working on my 100 Picture Challenge, don't forget to keep checking back at http://tehuti.deviantart.com/journal/11112522/ , or you can just check out http://tehuti.deviantart.com/gallery/ to see those and my nature photos, whatever--but I put it on hold during the furnace thing because I was too cold to draw. I really need to rework my current theme, "Misfortune," because Mishosha's body is all messed up; how frustrating. I haven't been writing in quite a while as I just haven't felt like it, though I hope it kicks back in sometime soon. I'm re-reading Meeting The Shadow, a book of essays on the Jungian concept of the Shadow archetype (something which interests me a lot, particularly the Golden Shadow, which has a bearing on what I've been doing lately), and for some reason having thoughts of trying to resurrect my childhood characters and stories to rewrite them so they make more sense. My old "King Kuts" stories. It'd be nice to reinvent those so they aren't so mortifying to look at, so they're fun again.

I also had some thoughts on an issue which had me terribly depressed before I met with the new psychologist, regarding somebody online I tried hard to befriend--it apparently hasn't worked out--but events since then have made me think that perhaps I was lucky it didn't work out, because I think I SERIOUSLY overestimated this person's worth as a friend. But this entry is already long enough and perhaps that would be a good topic for another entry soon. If anybody's interested. It all might just be my pathetic attempt to play the part of the fox with the sour grapes, but who knows.

And I'm trying out those One-A-Day all-day energy multivitamins or whatever they are to see if they'll help stave off the sluggishness I'm always feeling lately...too bad I can't think of a good way to exercise, too.

The red squirrels, meanwhile, appear to have moved into our basement, where they now knock things over and make an awful racket, so much so that Dad and I both thought Harry and son were back.

Dad said he saw crows chasing a barn owl at work the other day! Barn owls are so rare around here, I've never even seen an owl before. I heard one, once, but that was it. I did see a rose-breasted nuthatch ( http://www.michigannature.com/gallery/birds/B_Rose_breastedNuthatch_8 ) for the first time at our feeding bowl a while back, though. I bought a new bird book and mammals book along with my anxiety book just to keep up on these things. It's about time I had a new bird book, I can't find my other ones and they weren't very good anyway. I never even knew there was more than one kind of nuthatch before.

I had a dream recently that I got lost in the city of my birth, wandered into a strange Catholic church, and was ushered out by what appeared to be a female priest who insisted that I did not belong there. But I didn't get a feeling of rejection or judgement, just a feeling that it was not where I belonged, that I needed to be elsewhere. I then got help from Gil Grissom and a glowing crow. Strange. (That's at http://tehuti.dreamjournal.net/ for anyone interested.)

I have a new favorite quote:

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.--Carl Jung

Isn't that a great quote?? Jung had so many good ideas...I try using them in a lot of my writing, especially my Manitou Island stories, but I'm not sure if anyone notices something like that...

I guess I'm done now. Again, I really thank everybody who left me a note on the last entry, they gave me something to think about.