02-07-07 @ 7:02 am EST

Ugh. I just haven't felt like journaling whatsoever for quite a while, as every time I start an entry, I know I'll have to stick with it for about an hour or so, and it's so draining. -_- So I've put this off and put this off and put this off until I probably don't remember much as it is anyway. Oh well, less to write then I suppose.

Yes, I had my appointment on Feb. 2nd, even though I kept expecting it to be cancelled. I wasn't in a good mood and didn't really feel like going. *sigh* And the weather was so bad that when we got there it looked like EVERYBODY was leaving but I guess that was for lunch or something.

Anyway, New Psychologist said that she'd cancelled because one of her kids had been sick, and asked, "Can you forgive me for cancelling on you?" I nodded mutely and didn't bring up any of my ranting. At least she'd mentioned it. Old Psychologist, after the first cancellation, didn't say a damn word and that really hurt me, like nothing had happened. I understand life gets in the way. But sometimes forewarning or explanations go a long way toward helping.

I can't remember most of the session by now. I didn't think we were going to get very far as it was because when she asked me why I hadn't been doing affirmations for the past several days and I answered that it was because I'd been formatting pictures to post online, she wanted to see them, RIGHT THEN. So I had to spend a few minutes navigating her computer to get her to my DA gallery to see my pictures. Ugh, I hope she doesn't figure out how the rest of the site works, my links to EVERYTHING are there. -_- At first she didn't seem to understand that these were my pictures and that I'd taken them; when I told her they were mine she seemed very surprised and started browsing around. (Her: "You say you're not a photographer?" Me: "I just take pictures.") At the time I'd just started uploading my Signal Mountain pictures I think, and there were two of those, and a bunch of pictures of clouds taken from the airplane, and everything that comes before that--my October storm photos, winter, autumn, etc. Plus my occasional drawings. She was amazed by the pictures I took from the plane, and liked the ones of trees; when she came across "Talk To Niskigwun!" she looked at me and said, "Now how did that get in there?" as if it didn't belong. I said I was learning how to draw pictures for my own stories and I uploaded those on occasion too. She kept looking and came to "Smile For Noko" and I guess the drawing puzzled her--it's a drawing of an evil infant (Chakenapok) swaddled up with one hand sticking out, and blood is dripping from his claws and he has an evil smile. She asked what his story was and I said that he'd just killed his own mother after being born, and that was blood dripping from his fingers. She couldn't quite understand why his hand was out :? so I told her it was protruding from his wrappings. *shrug* She asked if what I wrote is stuff like Lord Of The Rings (BLECH) so I shook my head and said no, it was more like mythology. She stared at the drawing for a moment then looked at me and asked if I like anime. O_o ? I said it was okay, but I wasn't terribly crazy about it. That's two people now who have thought of anime when looking at my drawings...I don't get it. I'm not going for an anime style at all.

Anyway, she browsed a bit more and then turned away from the computer and said that it looked like I had this HUGE, HUGE universe inside me that I was just pouring out on the Net to share with others, just an entire elaborate world that I wanted to show off, was she right?--I nodded and she said, "And it just seems so surprising to me, because here you are, and you're wrapped up in this tiny cocoon."

She thought that perhaps some of my problems online stem from the fact that I present all these photos and all this writing and I come across as so perfect and unreachable, that people can't see the real me that exists...I was tempted to tell her that, hell YES people do see part of the real me, in my journal!, but I didn't even want to bring that up--I do NOT want to start bringing journal entries in again! >_< So I kept silent. I mentally disagreed with her on that matter (I have notes begging and pleading readers to please get in touch with me on my writing sites and everywhere else, so I don't exactly make myself unapproachable, at least, not intentionally), but based on what little of me she saw, I guess I can tell where she got the idea. "What exactly is it that you hope to get out of sharing all of this with other people online?" she asked...I can't remember how it all went. But eventually it came down to the fact that I wanted a friend, somebody who recognized me "on my level" (her words), and that's true--as I said to her, "I'd just like to have a friend who likes me both for what I am AND for what I do"--because aside from Mya, I've just never managed to find somebody like that. I don't mean to make anyone who reads this feel like chopped liver...it's just that there's nobody out there who I can both talk about my daily fears and problems with, AND talk excitedly about my writing with, and they'll care equally about both. "It's always just one or the other," I said to her (usually the former, practically never the latter--at least, not more than once), and she nodded.

She said that Cheboygan is a very small, limited town, and I'm unlikely to meet somebody around here who fulfills those requirements. Oh yes, I just got ahead of myself. She said that I needed to take what I share in such a "safe environment" as online ("safe"...ha ha ha), and share it with the world instead, because to do otherwise would be a waste, and would I really want to live my life knowing I had never tried? But as she said, this is a small town and I'm unlikely to meet any fulfillment here. To which I fully agreed. Mya was the only one who ever understood, and even she moved away and changed and stopped caring. NONE of the other friends I had in all my years of school, no matter how much I liked them, cared about both sides of me, myself and the writer. At least not for long, or not sincerely (witness Eric V., GAGMEWITHASPOON).

Anyway, to summarize all that, she said that I needed to stop holing up in my cocoon, and start putting myself "out there"--in the world. I think my therapy might be threatening to go astray again but I'll get to that in a bit.

I said that the affirmations just don't seem to be sinking in (and I don't think it's just me, writing them down just seems like rote repetition to me--like I'm learning the letters of the alphabet or something, not trying to reprogram my brain), and she insisted that this is something that it's foolish to think it takes so quickly to work. I agree, but still, these particular affirmations just aren't doing squat for me other than filling up journal pages. I need to think of something else to do. Anyway, she said that I need to fight--"Do you think you still have any fight left in you?"--to which I mumbled, "I must have, otherwise I wouldn't be here," and she agreed, though not all her talk was inspirational or "Go you." She said I have to stop wearing my hurt like it's a "badge of honor"--"Do you know what I'm getting at?" she asked, because she seemed to be at a loss for words more than once in the session, and she must have been wondering if I was even understanding her sometimes.

I didn't really get it so I tentatively said, "That I'm making my hurt all that there is to me...?"

"That's not what I meant," she said. I felt terribly embarrassed right then and hurriedly shook my head and said that no, I didn't know what she meant. Ugh, that's the only thing she said in the entire session that I wish she hadn't said. She could have at least lessened the blow by saying, "That's a good thought, but it's not exactly what I meant." I felt so stupid getting that wrong. -_- And it made me not want to try answering things when I'm not certain of the answer anymore, so I guess in the future, if she asks me something and I don't know the answer for certain, I'll just say I don't know. Anyway, she said, "What I mean is, you seem to think that NOBODY ELSE in the entire world has ever felt the pain you feel now--nobody can understand you, nobody can feel what you feel, this is all unique to YOU alone, and you wear that like a badge of honor."

-_- I really don't MEAN to come across as "special" like that. I broke down crying even harder and managed to say that I know other people have felt the way I do, I know I'm not the first, it's just hard to take other people's experiences and apply them to my life. And she said, "And there you go again--NOBODY understands how you feel but you. Like you're the only person who's ever felt this way."

I felt very hurt, but knew that arguing wouldn't serve any purpose. On the one hand she's right, but on the other hand I feel somewhat misunderstood. I know I DO get to feeling like nobody can possibly understand and all that, I just wanted her to know that I AM aware that other people DO feel this way, that I don't consider myself SPECIAL or anything--anything but! But I knew that she would just see this as arguing so I kept quiet and just kept crying.

I guess I would rather be seen as a self-centered crybaby than as somebody who considers myself "special." :/ Being weak, being a coward, even being selfish, those all seem like better, more acceptable things than being arrogant or prideful. I guess I just learned a bit about my Shadow there. I didn't care if she thought I was in a cocoon or was weak or narrow minded, but I REALLY didn't want her to think that I found myself "special." *sigh*

At some point she got around to asking me what, if anything, I would do out there in the world? What one thing? And it didn't even have to be big. "I had a patient once," she said, "who always wore black, every single time I met her. One day she said, 'You know, I'd really like to wear something flowery. From then on, she started wearing things with flowers all over them. And then--that was it, she didn't need to see me anymore. For you--what would it be if you could do one thing that you wouldn't normally do, but really want to? Go to a movie, buy a nice pair of shoes? What's one thing you'd like to do out there in the real world?"

"I can think of only one thing," I sniffled, "and it's a big thing, not a little thing."

"Well, what would it be?"

"Be published," I said, feeling terribly stupid.

"Well then," she said, "next time I want you to bring in a tip for a beginning writer to help them get published. You might have to research it. But I want you to bring that in."

She also brought up the topic of struggling authors and asked if there was anyone who had struggled to get published, say like JK Rowling, anyone who inspired me? I shook my head; nobody I could think of, and I can't compare myself to published authors anyway since they've done the one thing I haven't done--get published! "Well," she said, "I want you to look up the biography of an author who struggled to get published...have you ever heard of Virginia Woolf?" I nodded, but I didn't know anything about her. "Try looking her up, and reading her bio." I can't recall all else she said, but I guess the gist of it was to try to take inspiration from other people who had been in the same spot as me, in order to break out of my cocoon into the real world a bit, and stop thinking I'm so "special" because surely nobody has been in the same situation as I am.

Again, for the record, I've never believed that. It FEELS like it, but I don't BELIEVE it. I know other people have felt the same way I have--I just can't seem to apply THEIR feelings to MY life. And it's kind of a strange double standard I see in psychiatry and elsewhere--*start tangent*--say you're writing a story and you feel it's lousy and you say, "I can't even bother finishing this, So-And-So is so popular and hit it big, I'll never be as good as them!"--and your friend comes along and says, "Oh, don't compare yourself to So-And-So, that's hardly fair! You're your own individual person, as long as you keep comparing your work and worth to others you'll never get anywhere! Just focus on YOU and your OWN work, and stop comparing yourself to others. You'll get there someday!"--*end tangent* Okay, so, now why am I being asked to COMPARE myself to others?? I don't get why one moment I'm told to stop comparing myself to somebody much better than I am, then the next I'm told to compare myself to people who've been in the same place as I am. Either way it's comparing, and either way it's not focusing on me. I really don't get it.

Anyway, I looked up Virginia Woolf at Wikipedia and I have NO clue why she told me to look her up! Sure, Woolf had mental problems, and committed suicide--but where's all the struggling author crap? She had her own circle of friends, her own niche in society, her own confidence so that she published herself, her own fans, romantic relationships, she was critically recognized, bla bla bla--AND?? How was that supposed to make me feel better? If anything that made me feel lousier. Virginia Woolf has nothing to do with my situation, other than her depression. So I have no idea why the hell Psychologist sent me to look HER up. *steam*

Anyway...I guess there was more but I don't recall it all. *shrug* She did ask to see the book I was holding (Meeting The Shadow, a book on the Jungian concept of the Shadow), and said, "A-men," and pointed out where on the back blurb it says to "Defuse the negative voice that erupts in everyday situations" or something like that, telling me I should focus on that part, then handed it back. I was sniffling and crying a lot and she said she knew she'd been hard on me, so she wasn't sure if I'd schedule another appointment, but I knew what to do if I wanted to. We both stood up, me still wiping my nose and such, and I managed to gingerly bring up how she'd asked me to bring in some of my writing. >_< "That's right!" she exclaimed in surprise, and I handed her the chapter that I'd had folded up in the book, the real reason I'd brought the book in the first place. I hastened to tell her she didn't have to read it because it was long, at which she seemed to laugh (earlier when she'd asked how much I've written and I told her, "Four novels, two serials, and I'm working on two serials now, plus short stories and novellas," she'd just stared at me mutely, as if she couldn't believe it), and that was basically the session. I had Ma schedule another appointment, so I guess I'm going back, though I still don't know what direction this is all going in.

I mentioned earlier the therapy possibly going astray, and that's just in as far as she seems to be hinting at me "getting out of my cocoon and into the world." AGH. In truth, it'd be nice to have a friend or two, but other than that, I'm fine in my cocoon! I don't WANT to get out in the world, at least not much, based on what experiences I've had so far! I really don't mind sitting at home by myself, writing, drawing, reading. It'd be nice ONCE IN A WHILE to get out and do something more, and it'd be nice to have a real-life friend I can meet now and then and blather about my life AND my writing with, without making their eyes glaze over, and they'd have the same interests too--yes, another Mya, I guess--but other than that...all I want is a reason to feel meaningful in this world, and I would be set. And if I had that friend perhaps that itself would give me a reason to feel meaningful. In any case, I was hoping the therapy itself would help me figure out how to give meaning to my life, WITHOUT having to get out in the world and such. Because even if I did get out in the world, all I'd be doing is tossing away my shaky crutch of online affirmations and replacing it with a shaky crutch of real-life affirmations--and I'd still have the wound, unhealed and untended. I hope she comes to realize this. Getting out in the world isn't the solution to my problems. I need to believe in MYSELF first and foremost, and stop relying on affirmations, whether they're from online or offline or what. I don't want to trade one crutch for another, I just want to learn how to walk on my own.

I'm coming to think that yes, I AM schizotypal, and proud of it, so there.

http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/schizotypal.html
http://www.ptypes.com/schizotypalpd.html

Why should there be anything so damn wrong in wanting to live in a cocoon? Aside from the loneliness and lack of meaning, I have nothing against it. It works for me. Even when I did have friends, like I've said before, I was never a social butterfly, and all the best times I had, they were spent RIGHT HERE at home, with Mya hanging out with me. Being published would be nice but 1. I doubt it happening and 2. it'd just be me relying on more crutches after all.

I found another Jung quote the other day that brought me to tears:

Trust that which gives you meaning and accept it as your guide.

I wish I knew how to apply this to myself.

Anyway, I'm almost done with my Shadow book, and bought a couple of related books off eBay, Mirrors Of The Self and Dreamtime & Dreamwork, and those should keep me busy now. I tried at last to write up some affirmations of my own, and as expected, most of them are about writing -_-; , and I feel very stupid with them as they feel like nothing more than bragging, which I hate, but...I guess I'll have to try them. I've found that one of my hugest peeves as a writer is seeing the popularity of people who keep PROMISING to write that Big Story of theirs (and never actually DO), and they have fans up the wazoo flocking around them begging to know when the story will be started, and meanwhile here *I* am, writing away and writing away, and only a person or two reads, and I'm always wondering how much they really like the story or not, and even if anyone else shows up and says they love it they get bored quickly and wander off. How come it's only the Wannabe Writers Who Never Get Anything Done who get all the screaming fans who are willing to stand by them FOR-EVER and meanwhile the People Who Actually Write Stuff sit and collect dust and bore readers away? It infuriates me no end. *sigh*

That wasn't aimed at anyone who reads this, but was mainly inspired by the girl I recently tried to befriend on DA (Gawd what a mistake on my part THAT was), and by a lot of other hugely popular people who've written, like, two chapters of something before deciding it was too hard to keep it up and they STILL have clamoring fans while I'm lucky to get one or two hits to something a day. RRRGGGGHHHHHH.

And I haven't even been writing lately, so why am I ranting about this anyway.