04-03-07 @ 1:57 pm EDT

Ugh, winter should be returning tonight or tomorrow. -_- Poor plants. I tossed some tobacco but I really don't think it'll convince Kabebonikka to stay in the north just yet.

Anyway. I came to the computer, wondering what the hell I want to do before I go to bed, and figured I might as well finally type up about my psychologist appointment which was way back on March 30th. Granted, I've forgotten a lot of the details by now. But I guess I can summarize. I've just been busy thinking it over, and sleeping, because I'm so frigging TIRED all the time. I finally broke down and got an exercise bike to see if EXERCISE *horror* will give me any energy, because I've tried energy drinks, energy vitamins, decreasing my meds, changing my schedule, etc. etc. etc. to try to not be so tired and none of it works. After I get offline at night, I just go to my room and ZZZZZZ for a few hours. I know I get too little sleep as it is, but I hate never having the energy to dance to my music, or draw, or read more, or whatever. So we went to Wal-Mart and I got the last exercise bike there...I guess exercise bikes are going out of style, as it was the only one that moderately resembled a bike, and it's a weird one at that. The handlebars aren't stationary--they move in tandem with the pedals, only in opposite directions, so I have to forego using the handlebars because whenever I do it completely trips me up. If they went in the same direction as the pedals then maybe I'd be able to get it. :/ But that was the only exercise bike they had. Everything else looks like huge weird scary ski machines which I just know I'd kill myself on. My legs are strong, but short, and thus can't stretch that far. Even the bike is a challenge and MY BUTT HURTS!! My legs can go just fine for 20 minutes or five miles or whatever but AAAGGGGH MY BUTT!! >_<;;; I was going to go eight miles to simulate biking around the island but my butt was killing me so I had to stop at five. UGH stupid seat. But anyway, I REALLY hope this helps my energy increase because I'm just so tired of being tired. -_-

And I felt kind of guilty because only AFTER getting it with my money did Ma say that the governor has thoughts of cutting whatever that is that I get as payment, Family Assistance or something, OF COURSE. The ONLY reason I haven't been worrying as chronically about bills being late and such because I'm finally able to help with them or with things breaking down. God I hope she doesn't cut those benefits. Stupid governor. I thought she was a Democrat. I guess they're all the same.

ANYWAY...now that I've shared with you my aching butt... >_< ...I had to fill out more forms in the waiting room, because of the expiration of a year of therapy, and then a guy came in and fell against my chair. He seemed to have something wrong with his legs and after Ma and his friend helped him back up (he seemed mildly embarrassed in an amused way), remained standing, shaking his feet every so often. Poor guy. I wonder what he was there for. Finally Psychologist called me in. I can't remember most of it, but she asked how I was feeling lately and I told her about how I feel okay most of the time but sometimes in the mornings after logging offline I get to feeling lonely and such. She herself saw this as an improvement because at least I wasn't feeling lousy ALL the time, but eh, I still don't care for it. -_-

She asked if I'd tried any ways to combat the loneliness and I told her again of my failures making close friends online. I told her, "I remember you saying that when I put my pictures and writing up, I present myself as being unreachable, perfect, but actually it's not that at all. I keep an online journal and I'm pretty open in it," and when she didn't seem to be getting why I hadn't been successful in making friends--she kept stressing things like "To have a friend you have to be a friend" and "Give and take" and such--I elucidated a bit. She didn't seem to understand that I have had a LOT of bad experiences with this. I mentioned people's habits of just not getting back in touch with me, to which she said, "That seems to be pretty normal, online." This comment kind of irks me, because it SHOULDN'T be normal, anywhere! If someone says they're going to get back to you, whether online or off, then they SHOULD. As I said to her, "It would be a lot less trouble if they'd just not promise it in the first place!" and it was really hard not to burst into tears at that moment, and she agreed.

When she asked for specifics on other bad experiences I'd had (I think she thought I was being too vague when I just kept insisting that I'd TRIED making friends lots of times and some times it had gone REALLY badly), I tried to explain, as briefly as I could, the incident with II. (See my "Burning Bridges" entry a while back, I think that's what it's called. If you're really interested just e-mail me and ask. Whatever.) I got upset and cried again during this, of course. I don't recall what her reaction was but I mentioned that this hadn't been the only time such things had happened.

I can't remember what sparked this; maybe she asked what it would take to make me happy and not so lonely and useless feeling. What would it take to give my life "meaning," as I put it? I probably mentioned my writing, of course, how people like it but nobody seems to LOOOOOVE it. It's nice to be liked but I'd like my writing to really change someone's perspective, or make someone think, or really EXCITE somebody--"OMG, I just read the best story, you have to see it!!"--I want to write things that people talk about and think about. I want to change someone's life. I didn't say all of that, but maybe I hinted at it, or she did, or whatever. In any case, this led into a monologue from me, about SS, the most recent disaster I had in trying to befriend somebody.

SS is a HUGELY popular artist at DeviantArt. I tried befriending her because her art, which hints at a story she wishes to write someday, really interested me, and that's rare. After a few false starts and misunderstandings, we got in touch via e-mail and she said sure, she'd love to be friends, and I was so happy! However, as you know, with great fame comes great misfortune, and SS has her share of stalkers and such too. So in my reply e-mail to her, which was 7kb long, I sent her a short list of ways to avoid stalkers. And her response was basically, "Thanks, but it helps build character. And please keep your e-mails shorter, okay? :3 "

:/ ... At DA, to cheer her up, I'd sent her the text of the nasty messages the people at CrushYiffDestroy had posted about TAC without even reading it, thinking it would make her feel a little better about her own situation. She had responded to that with, "I couldn't read it all, but it looks good. XD " Er...what?? It was a bunch of insults about my story. It "looked good"?? I was willing to overlook that as that mail WAS kind of long, but a 7kb e-mail of suggestions to avoid stalkers, and--she tells me to keep them SHORTER?? We'd just gone over getting to know each other--I guessed she must have a WAY different idea of friendship from the idea that I have. I didn't reply. Though I should have. With, "Sorry, I guess I misunderstood when you said you wanted to be friends. I won't bother you further." Because, cripes, if somebody can't make it through a 7kb e-mail, then they sure as hell will never get to know ME.

*deepbreath* Well, that incident made me feel horrible and insanely angry and jealous. Suddenly, some of the insulting things SS's stalkers have been saying about her were proven true. And I have one to add myself--if she has trouble making it through a 7kb e-mail, she's CERTAINLY never going to be able to write that epic story she has planned. I'm not the only one who's noticed it. Her fans are asking all the time when she's going to write it and she NEVER RESPONDS to them. She only responds to negative comments she gets. How thoughtful! Plus I've seen her other sites, she has a habit of starting stories and never finishing. And her writing skills are, well, crap. One of my reasons for wanting to befriend her was in the hopes of helping her with her writing, but seeing how she responds to the slightest criticism at times ("OMG why are you all picking on me?!!"--granted, she's gotten better, but still), I figured it was for the best that it didn't work out. But I was and am still very jealous. Here I am, hundreds of chapters of writing already finished out there, and I'm just now producing art for it too, and people at DA barely notice, I have just under 5000 pageviews in the 5+ years I've been there; meanwhile, here she is, producing nice art but no story, her fans are willing to wait until DEATH for her to produce it, she has over 5,000,000 pageviews for the 3+ years she's been there, and just gets more and more and more fans every day. And hardly responds to them. I realize I'm far from perfect in the latter regard, but cripes, if I had dozens of people begging to know when I'd start a story, I'd sure as hell at least post an announcement! The only time she ever seems to post journal entries is to draw attention to her art which already has like 1000 faves apiece. I only came across her in the first place because I kept finding scads of her art in the "Most Popular" section. She regularly gets over 100 faves per piece within the first hour or two of posting it--even if it's a scribble of a guy picking his nose. I KID YOU NOT. She actually had that as her avatar for a while.

I came to the conclusion that, despite her protests that she often misses comments on her page, she watches them like a HAWK, and despite her protest that "I hate my huge retarded fan base!" (no lie, she actually said that), if the hundreds of comments that she gets were to trickle to even a tenth of what they are, she would be lost. She feeds off the feedback like I do--and it's not keeping her happy. Someone posted the text of a chat session she held with some other artists online, and it just verified my suspicions. Although she seems to spend countless hours roleplaying with people online, she claims that she has "no friends" except on the Internet, and even among them she feels like a burden, and just wants love. She was actually upset that an online friend's fictional character broke up with HER fictional character!! O_o

I know it was mean, but that text session made me feel a bit better. All this time SS had been posting nothing but "Love!" and smilies on her page at DA--but in the meantime, she was moping and crying in chatrooms about how unloved she felt, DESPITE the scads of gushy compliments and fan art she gets! What the hell else does she NEED? I figured that she must not have any DEEP, MEANINGFUL friendships, the kind like I've been looking for--from what I gather she doesn't even KNOW that's what she needs so she tries to fill the void with comments on her art and hours spent in chat sessions. No wonder she's unhappy. And I admit, that made me feel better.

Anyway...I started to explain this to Psychologist, and I went on at quite a length. I explained the situation above, then said, "It makes me so frustrated and upset that she gets so much attention, and I try really hard and can't get even a TENTH of that attention, but it also helped put things in perspective. I mean, here she is getting all these compliments and she's still unhappy. If I had even a fraction of that popularity I'd be grateful! But I get the feeling that she doesn't have any CLOSE friends she can talk to about anything, the kind of friend like I want. I want somebody who's into the same things I am, and I like what they do too, and we can tell each other injokes and never bore each other. I'd LIKE a lot of popularity like she has, but I don't think it would make me truly happy like a friend would. She's one of the most adored people on that site, and she seems so miserable all the time. I envy her, but I don't think that what she has would make me happy."

After I'd finally finished blathering on and on, starting to mentally cringe that I was taking up too much time, there was a brief pause and then Psychologist exclaimed, "You don't need me!

"Rachel, you are just so smart," she said when I must have turned bright red. "With most clients, I can tell them a simple, 'All you need to do is go to So-And-So and apologize...' but with you, you've already analyzed this situation from every angle. You're a thinking type, and here you've managed to tell me the entire situation before I could even START to get at the problem!"

That was the part of the session that really made me pause and think, and I'm still thinking about it. But I'll save that for a bit.

We tried thinking of ways for me to not feel so lonely and useful. Obviously, "getting out there" isn't the solution, so I admitted that I had no ideas for how to solve this problem of feeling meaningless. Psychologist started talking about finding meaning in something that I already like, and developing that interest--for example, going to a bookstore and hanging out there, and meeting other people who like to read. Well, there are no bookstore/cafes in Cheboygan so in my mind that point was pretty moot! But when she stopped talking I tentatively said, "Well...I like going to Mackinac Island and learning about it."

"What do you like about it?" she asked.

"The natural history of it, the geology and the land formations. I like walking the trails and stuff. I go there every year--last year was the first year I was able to go completely by myself, even on the ferry, so I hope to go more than once this year. I've put up a website about it and people sometimes sign the guestbook saying that my pictures bring back memories."

"Good for you!" she said in response to me going there alone. "You see, that's EXACTLY what I meant! You can take this interest, and develop it, and perhaps along the way you meet other people who are interested in this same thing, and the friendship builds up from there."

"I do want to learn more about it," I admitted, "but I figured that if I wrote to the Parks Commission or something, they'd never respond to a nobody like me."

"But you see? You're not a nobody--as soon as you reach out, you become a somebody who wants to learn more, and this is how friendships are built." I was full of questions, but she looked at the clock and said, "And...I'm really running late. You know what, you schedule the next appointment--whenever you want. It's fine with me."

I left her office, dabbing at my eyes, and in the waiting room asked Ma what was better, two weeks or a month; she said two weeks, though I guess the soonest (is that a word??) slot is April 19th. Oh well, I'm not going anywhere.

The session really made me think, though. Firstly, I always thought it would be so cool to be some sort of "unofficial" Mackinac Island historian, not working for the Parks Commission or anything, but just somebody with a lot of info to share about this place, somebody who could be helpful to others. And even if I couldn't do that, I've always wanted to at least contact somebody who IS an expert on it and ply them with questions. Somebody truly in the know. I'd love to browse photos and literature and archives...but I just figured they don't let you do that unless you're an official from some historic society or something. I always figured that if I were to e-mail or call and say, "Hello, I'm an unemployed nobody who lives at home and only visits the island once a year, I run a personal site with photos on it, I was wondering if you could give me all the info you have..." I'd be laughed at and told to buzz off, if not outright ignored. And so I've just never tried.

I still find it hard to believe that the Parks Commission or anybody in the know would bother helping me for free. They must have so much more important stuff to deal with. And it's not like I have contacts or anything.

But about the other part of the session...it really got me when Psychologist called me a "thinking" type. I NEVER considered myself a thinking type. I already KNOW I'm a feeling type, and while I know I think a lot, I never really considered myself that "type"--I'm too emotional, too hysterical, too intuitive (though I usually, unwisely, ignore it), too naive and gullible to be a thinking type. Recall the Four Board where my very name became a synonym of "hysterical, overemotional, irrational person." Other encounters I've had which haven't gone well have only reinforced this belief that I'm overemotional and irrational. II's girlfriend herself pretty much told me how "stupid" I was. Even SS rebuked me for getting upset when she at first didn't reply to me, and she's about as irrational and overemotional as they get.

This isn't to say that I've NEVER had anybody tell me I'm a thinking type, that I'm good at reading myself and others and at analyzing situations. People who like me have told me that. But that's just it. I figured they were just being nice or were biased, like I was toward SS at first, and that if they REALLY knew all the irrational stuff I think, they'd quickly rescind those comments. And even if they wouldn't, none of them are licensed psychologists, they're just people who like me.

To have a licensed psychologist tell me that I've thought my own situation over so well that "You don't need me!"...that really made me stop and think. She even said in the session, when I was talking about my failures with friends, "You're not doing anything wrong." I've heard it all before, but it was always easy to brush off as merely polite comments from people who couldn't possibly say it with any authority. Now, though, I really don't know what to think. Am I truly more balanced and reasonable than I thought, and I really just HAVE had an unreasonable number of unpleasant experiences with jackasses?

I remember her mentioning that certain types of people feed off of vulnerable, needy types like me, while others flee in fear--she asked me numerous times if she was making any sense or hitting the mark and I kept nodding. I know I'm needy, and come across as grasping. I know I've fallen prey to assholes, and have scared other people off. It was just the ones who, when I asked, insisted that everything was "just fine," hurt and confused me the most when I never heard from them again. "You're not doing anything wrong," Psychologist said. Is she right? I've just had the terrible misfortune of meeting all the wrong people?

I'm not ready to totally believe that just yet...but hearing a psychologist, a licensed therapist, tell me the things that others have been telling me all along, contradicting the jerks who've insisted that I'm completely irrational and too selfish and a lousy friend, made me really stop and think over it rather than just brush it off as "They're just being polite."

I don't know, though. As I said in my DA journal, where does one draw the line between healthy self-confidence and just plain arrogance? I hate coming across as arrogant. That's why I've always believed the people who insist that I'm irrational and overemotional and too needy, and could never believe the ones who insisted otherwise. If I were to come out right now and exclaim, "I'm normal, it's all the people who left me hanging who are messed up!" I could quite easily be accused of assholery, and I'd probably believe it.

So despite all that I've said to the contrary, I'm sitting here and thinking a lot. :/ I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

It's very late. *sigh* Maybe I'll have JUST enough time to post this and get to bed. But it hasn't been checked for typos at all. Urgh. I'm going to hate looking over this later, both for that and for whatever arrogance has seeped its way through. >_<

None of this was aimed at the people who are actually friendly to me.

Sorry I've been "ignoring" everyone lately. I just feel so anxious and I've been a little busy, plus my ISP seems to be acting up and connecting me at terribly slow speeds. :( But I guess that's all.