04-20-07 @ 1:52 pm EDT

Well...based on the overwhelming response my last entry got, I doubt this one will be much more interesting. :/ I must become much more boring when I reach epiphanies or something.

Anyway...I hope to keep this short because I really don't feel like blathering on for ages anyway. Grandma B. (the one who can drive) had to drive me as Ma wanted to eat lunch (or something), and I ended up getting there pretty early, even earlier than I like to get there. >_< The lady behind the window brought out a satisfaction survey-type thing for me to anonymously fill out and put in an envelope. I put down that I was mostly satisfied with their services, at least at the moment; several times I wanted to answer with "Unsure," but there wasn't that option. Ugh. It had additional space on the back to fill in written answers but I left that blank and stuck it in the envelope and handed it back. I think I actually dozed off for a while. Then my appointment came.

Psychologist seems to actually recall where we left off in previous sessions, unlike the former one, though that made it kind of awkward because I didn't know where to go from there. At the beginning and end of the session she started prodding at me again to try to get out and meet people in the real world, as opposed to online, because online friendships don't seem completely satisfying, though I honestly don't see, at least in this point in time, how such a thing would be possible. Driving was brought up and I told her how I took driver's ed but didn't get to take the final test because my mother had to work that day, but also how I never really WANTED to drive--I don't trust myself with the huge responsibility of a car, even if we could afford another one! I have no clue what to do if it breaks down--and I could get lost easily--and I'd have to pay for gas and insurance--I'd always be afraid of getting in an accident--the list goes on and on. It might sound weird, but I don't WANT to drive. So, she asked, if I had some other way to get places, would I go? Well, yes, but it depends on the place. If there are lots of people there, chances are I wouldn't want to go! If I know the place well--like Mackinac Island, I mentioned--I could just be dropped off there and I'd be fine on my own because I know it so well. ("So you're kind of experienced there," she commented, and I nodded.) If the area was pretty isolated, like a nature area, but there was a specific trail or map to follow, I probably wouldn't mind being dropped off and left to myself GRANTED that somebody I know would be not too far away in case I need them, or would at least be waiting at the end to pick me up. But if it's a place I know absolutely nothing about, or if I'm expected to interact with people, no WAY would I want to be left on my own. I didn't get to go over all of that but if it comes up again I'll be sure to do so. That's just how I am--if I know well enough what I'm doing and where I'm going, I'm perfectly fine on my own, but otherwise, I'm a nervous wreck.

Recall last year's trip to Mackinac Island? I was going along just fine until my batteries died. Then I just froze up in panic and had no idea what to do!! I'd fortunately brought a good map (as I always do) and noticed that they had gift shops at Surrey Hill Square, not too far from where I was, but even going there was a terrible drain on me, having to find my way around and ask for help. Ugh. But once I was way out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but caves and trees I was as happy as a clam.

DAMN how do I always make these things long?? >_<

Well, anyway, I don't see it as being feasible (sic?) right now, to make real-life friends--maybe in the future, if getting out of the house or finding a means of transport (not to mention a PLACE TO GO TO where friends might be made--face it, you're not going to make many friends wandering around the forest on Mackinac Island!) is taken care of, it could be done--but not at this point in time. I'll have to bring that up with her. It's not a mere matter of knowing how to drive. I'd have to have somewhere to GO, a place to MEET people, not to mention the frigging social skills to do it. Which I don't have, of course.

If I'm sounding cynical here I'm not, just practical. I don't want to get into the same issues I had with the last psychologist of putting the cart before the horse. I need to be more vocal and make my real problems and needs met. Right now, at this point in time, I feel my real needs are in believing in myself, and that means not relying on the affirmations of others so much, whether in real life or online. I don't want a real-life friend who just takes the place of the affirmations I currently need online, because that's just throwing one crutch away for a nicer, shinier one. It's still a crutch and I'll still be crippled without it. I want to learn how to walk on my own--albeit with a pretty bad limp, I admit.

Ah, so that's why these entries run so long. All the metaphors I always have to use.

Well anyway, we didn't really get anything resolved as far as what I should do to feel more of use in getting out in the community or any such, seeing as I have no clue where to go or what to do. I'd like to talk to her more about Mackinac Island some time, though it's kind of a silly idea. I'm tempted to print her an article about Constance Fenimore Woolson and bring that to her. Remember when she told me to look up troubled writers? I'm surprised I didn't even think of Woolson. Sure, she was popular in her day, and by now almost nobody's heard of her, but she did some things that I wish I could do--including popularizing Mackinac Island so much that they dedicated a memorial to her there. I love the island so much, that I would love for it to love me in return. If I could do something of benefit to that island, I would love it. Woolson didn't change the world, not by a long shot, but she dedicated part of herself to what she adored and was adored in return, even if not forever.

Woolson's death was a likely suicide...

Anyway, I guess we went over that a bit, then she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. There was a long awkward pause. I finally made myself start to hesitantly speak up. Recall the idea I had about going over the bad experiences I've been through with "friends" who left me hanging, and trying to gain some perspective from her? I decided to try that. I explained to her that the people who DO like me online have been saying all along that none of the bad experiences were my fault, it was the other parties, it was just bad luck or bad people and nothing horrendous on my end. I said how their words are nice, but I could never quite believe them because they don't know me very well, they didn't witness the situations, and no offense, but none of them are qualified to say if I'm reasonable or irrational on such things. The people who DON'T like me have been telling me all along how irrational and selfish I am, and for some reason, I just tend to find that easier to believe, because people who said they were friends just kept disappearing. The problem had to be on my end, right?

I asked her if I could explain such situations and, seeing as she's licensed and qualified and such, maybe she could give me her input on things? Because I'm not good at putting these situations in perspective on my own. My voice cracked and it was hard to talk as I asked this, I was so anxious. She agreed, much to my relief. So for maybe ten or so minutes straight I explained the situation I'd had with P./Poet, who I used to write about praisingly in here, but no longer since HE'S AN ASSHOLE. I've probably already gone over that somewhere else in my journal so I'll spare anybody who reads this all the details--I gave them to her. I finally finished and awaited her input.

She said that he sounded like a typical guy who "can't make up his mind"--"Do I want to be friends with her? Do I not want to be friends with her?"--and just couldn't figure out a way to end it properly. Perhaps this had happened, or something else had caught his eye ("flavor of the day," as she put it), and like people sometimes do, he dropped me for whatever new and interesting came along. I expressed my surprise and disbelief that people can be such a way, can care so little for the feelings of others that they can just drop them or ignore them without a word of explanation--"I know it happens, because I've seen it, but I never understand it--that's something I try not to do." (I'm aware that I HAVE done it and will probably do it again in the future, but I always feel guilty about it and wish I wouldn't. What I can't understand are people who just write someone off seemingly without a care. How do people do that?? Even online??) Psychologist said that this was a virtue in me, to see things this way, because not everybody cares that much, and especially online where "No one is accountable." "In real life, you can ignore somebody, but it's a lot harder," she said, to which I nodded. "Online there's this anonymity, and people don't have to be accountable for their actions. It's too easy to just pretend someone doesn't exist."

She said that she thought I sometimes put an end to things before properly giving them a chance--something which I willingly admitted. She said she'd been about to say this about the car issue, but considering that I gave P. FOUR YEARS and he then bailed out, she modified her stance on this and said that it's obvious that at least in some situations, I DO give things a full chance. I know that I sometimes bail out of things far too quickly if they seem too difficult or fearsome, but on the other hand there have been a lot of times when I gave my all to something and it still didn't work out. Anyway. When I told her of how I sent P.'s Christmas gift back to him she said, "Good for you!" so at least I know I wasn't psycho on that account. She also understood why his contacting me after ten months of silence hurt so much more ("At this point when you're finally putting it all behind you"), and that made me feel a little better too. I was shaking and crying with fear when I got that gift in the mail. I sent it back in total disgust that P. had torn my wound open again like that and then departed AGAIN without an explanation, which was all I ever wanted anyway.

Hmmm, what else, I know there was more...oh. I brought up how this was just one of many such experiences and she said that she could live to be seventy, and could have had five hundred people she would classify as "friends," and only a few of them might last long--she was saying that I'm still young yet, and still have a lot of my life ahead of me. Again, people have been telling me this for ages, but as I said to her, "I'm the kind of person who needs some sort of proof, some sort of time limit on things--I need to actually see results." One reason why I don't diet or exercise (much, until recently)? Because I can't actually get on a scale the next day and see any results! If I can't see results, I feel like something is not working. And I've been trying to make a friend that lasts for THIRTY YEARS with no results (yet), so that rather had/has me believing that it won't happen. Thirty years is a LONG TIME, especially considering that just about everybody I know has friends that they trust implicitly, no matter how long they might have known them.

Well, I explained that to her, and said, "So you think that perhaps I just haven't given this enough of a chance yet to really say?" and she nodded. She said how friendship is a thing that can happen at ANY point in life, so it's hard to say just when it will happen--when one is young, when one is old, who knows. I mentioned how, whenever I had a bad experience with another "friend," I would always tell myself, "That's the last time I'm ever going to try that, it's not worth it"--then I invariably go and try again, and this always pisses me off because it makes me feel stupid. I was going to say, "It just seems there's a very fine line between being persistent and being stupid," but I trailed off at, "It just seems there's a very fine line between being persistent and being..."

"Stupid?" she filled in. o_o; It felt like a mindreading moment. I nodded and she agreed--but she also said that whatever one does, they have to keep trying. I said how it just feels like I'm battering my head against a wall, another thing to which she vehemently agreed, and additionally suggested that whenever one gets to feeling that way, that they're just running into a wall, perhaps it's time to try something different.

"Even if it's online," she said, and seemed to suggest trying out different sites, though I didn't really understand, I already hang out on all the sites I really like--writing sites, art sites. I didn't mention how I've tried penpal sites with no luck, maybe that was what she meant? And there's no way in hell I'll try those "friending"-type sites, those are a sham too. I made a simple "MySpace" page and all I get from it is crappy Spam. Now everything that comes from MySpace I just send into the trash. Ugh.

So I've been trying to think of what other "different" things she might mean. One idea that came to mind was contests. I used to once in a while enter contests online, but I quickly gave up when I realized that I wasn't terribly talented at them--it just hurts a lot to win last place, or not even win at all, or to win only because you're one of like three people who entered and you're the only one who can spell. But they're something "different," that could lead to more exposure and contact. I don't know though; while I feel I've gotten a LITTLE less thin skinned in such areas as criticism, it doesn't help the ego much to get lose after lose after lose. So I'm still kind of stumped for ideas on trying "different" things. Truth be told, some of the things I've been doing lately ARE different from what I used to do. I never used to post actual art, for example. (Well, not that I'd call it ART, but there's no better term available right now.)

And I've AGAIN tried offering comments on other people's writing, something which I keep telling myself I'll stop doing forever since it seems to irritate writers more than encourage them, so that's kind of different too. I'm trying to point out errors in general rather than point out every single one in a line edit because number one, writers seem to hate that, and number two, I don't get paid for it so I shouldn't waste my time on it. Writers are more interested in hearing if their stories are good and intriguing and interesting--I admit, that's more like what I'm seeking too. (Probably the reason so many of my efforts at contact with other writers have gone wrong over the years.)

So I don't know, I guess I have to mull things again. Psychologist said several times that I was "so smart" and "perceptive" that I guess she doesn't get many patients like me. :/ It's hard to type that because it sounds bigheaded. "So, do you want to schedule another appointment despite the hard truths...?" she queried at the end, and I nodded, thinking, what hard truths? Almost everything she went over was things I already knew, I just needed further input on them from someone more qualified. Before I got up to leave, she said, "I enjoy our sessions!" I found that comment kind of odd; why enjoy a therapy session with a patient? :/ Maybe because I actually agree with many points she makes (well, they were true) and I don't argue over every one of them? She did say she hates arguing, the main reason why I was so scared to bring up my bad experiences for discussion, I was afraid she'd think I was whining and seeking sympathy when the truth is, I just want to understand the mechanics of why things keep going wrong.

Then Grandma drove me back home and I went to bed, the end. I miss my sparrows, I haven't seen them today. :( I love hearing their twittering. *sigh* And so far I've done 80 miles on the exercise bike. *wish it showed results*

One of the things I'd like to do, to try to contribute to the community--build a REAL site about Mackinac Island. With my own domain and a lot of space. Put my photos/tours on it from the Radioactive Playground, of course, but also my experiences, history I can glean, info, all sorts of stuff. Not a professional, official, Parks Service-type deal with all facts verified like at Wikipedia but just...a fansite, for want of a better word. I'd love to build the greatest fansite to Mackinac Island that I can, and have travelers and islanders alike visit it, and share in all I know. And maybe publish a similar book, more memoirs than factual writing, you know, stuff like that since I suck at fact checking/references and there are a million books and sites out there like that anyway.

That's all kind of a silly dream so far though, seeing as I don't have the right contacts on the island or in the Parks Commission, nor the funds or skills and such. But when she talked about contributing things, that's something I found I would like to be able to do, which might actually serve a purpose (more so than my writing, which doesn't seem destined to live down the ages like something like that might).

Well...it's late and I have to hurriedly post this and go to bed. The people I owe e-mails and replies to must think I've forgotten them by now. -_- I hope anybody who reads this is doing well, I'm okay at the moment, though my mood seems to swing from time to time. I'm working on my Manitou Island portraits a lot; those are still going up at DeviantArt. (Which isn't a porn site, BTW, despite its weird name--trust me--it has nudes but you can't see any of them if you're not a logged-in member, and porn isn't allowed. I thought I'd say that as I've had at least three people so far question the site based on its name, and I can't really blame them. They call members there "Deviants" and the actual works of art/writing "Deviations." :/ )